Prenup surprise

Amanda808

so we've been together 5 years. Engaged over a year. We were planning to have our destination wedding very soon when he just now tells me we need a prenup because he "has a good job and a degree", so I guess my job and degree suck. Made me feel pretty awful to know he thinks I'm not worthy of him. We bought a house and I pay half the mortgage and bills. He said he wants the prenup so I don't take his house which completely caught me off guard. It's a first wedding for us both. No kids. I figured that if I pay half the house, in 30 years it's half mine. Besides if he thinks he needs a prenup and is planning the divorce that he shouldn't marry me. I want outsiders advice. Am I wrong to leave after this? I'm hurt so badly by this. I can't believe he thinks of me like this. Also can't believe he just now brought this up.

TheDuckis

Prenups can be very practical, and I'm not necessarily against them offhand. However, the fact that he referrs to a house that you bought together as "his" is worrisome. Did you split the down payment? Do you have a paper trail that shows that half the mortgage is paid from your income? I'd be consulting a lawyer to make sure that YOUR half of the house is protected from HIM. And I'd be rethinking the marriage.

And let this be a lesson to the lurkers: Buying a house together is a bigger commitment than marriage. Don't do it until both rings are on your finger.

AmethystMSU

Is your name on the mortgage and deed to the house? If so, it's already half yours. If not, a paper trail (like PP) said of your payments towards half the mortgage should suffice.

Does your FI come from a family with a lot of money he stands to inherit one day? Does he have a large retirement plan or pension plan? If he's just trying to protect the house, then that seems odd to me. I would proceed with caution.

Amanda808

Nothing for him to inherit. It's literally all about the house. He thinks because he makes 100k and I only make 70k that he needs to protect himself. So weird that I pay my way and have never asked for anything. It's very insulting.

jessicabessica

I'm an occasional lurker on this board but don't usually post.  I have been thinking about prenups a lot with my FI, so here's my two cents. 

I don't think prenups are inherently bad.  They don't mean you're going to get divorced, just like having car insurance doesn't mean you're going to get in a car accident.  Prenups will typically have a section that deals with what happens upon divorce and what happens upon death. 

That said, your FI sounds like he's being terrible about it.  My FI and I are obviously not planning to divorce, and if we do divorce, we hope it will be amicable and that we won't want to leave the other person destitute, so we're not crafting an agreement that would give one of us a windfall. 

I guess if he has a "better" degree than you he probably has a higher earning potential, although I don't see the $70k/$100k salary gap to be so giant right now.  What happens when a couple divorces really depends on the state.  When a couple doesn't bring separate assets into a marriage, it's not really clear why they would do a prenup to me, given how I view marriage and shared finances.  Have you already discussed whether and to what degree you'll share finances after you get married? 

I would have a serious talk with your FI about what he hopes to accomplish with a prenup and what you each think would be a fair outcome if you divorced or if one of you died before the other.  You might want to talk to a lawyer to see if you actually need a prenup to accomplish that result in your state.  If you go forward with a prenup agreement, you will each need separate lawyers.  Don't sign something you're not comfortable with, and if your FI insists, I'd say that's a red flag.

ETA: I just looked at your profile and your wedding is this month.  Your FI just brought a prenup now?  If it wasn't something I was already thinking about, I would not do a prenup 2 weeks before my wedding.  Just my opinion. 

zsazsa-stl

I think you need to talk to him about where this is coming from.  Has he always been careful to not co-mingle anything?  Does he ask for split checks in restaurants?  Did his parents go through a particularly ugly divorce and one or both of them are poinint him in this direction?   

I do agree that prenups can have their place, but this situation seems more than a little petty and disrespectful on his part.  I would be offended by the basic lack of trust in the yours vs. mine thing.  Getting married and sharing everything is it's own form of insurance.  One of you could get sick or be unemployed for a long time or be injured in an accident and guess what - because you have a spouse who takes care of you, you don't starve or sleep in the street.

And ditto Duckis on the house before marriage thing.  I'm pretty sure I know several people who made their way into bad marriages because of premature financial commitments to a non-spouse.

ReturnOfKuus

I wouldn't marry him.  His "what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine" attitude is a marriage killer for sure.

MinM

I'd be pissed that my spouse (in this case, your FI) felt he was worth more than me, as a person, because he makes more money.

I make way more than my H, but I value him as an equal as a person, and as a partner in our marriage. I may bring more money to the household, but he contributes more in other ways. Money isn't everything.

ReturnOfKuus

The divorce rate isn't really 50%.

hmonkey

i doubt that's the whole story.

Amanda808

We currently share a joint bank account in which most of my paycheck is deposited and the mortgage, groceries and all the other bills come from that. 

He's been giving me the silent treatment and I'm devastated and thinking I'll be moving out.

Amanda808

His parents are still together. I asked if his sister got a prenup with her husband and he said "no, they are equal financially". He's acting like he's rich or something. We pay for everything together with our joint bank account that we both contribute to. I've always contributed 50% to all of our finances. Oh, and I was against buying the house before marriage which I expressed many times, but I guess you can't pass up a good deal? 

AuntFlo

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_prenup-surprise?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:f91b7406-2554-46ef-ac12-fd2793871293Post:586638a2-bf7c-443c-adc5-6493ef0f83e3">Re: Prenup surprise</a>:
[QUOTE]He's been giving me the silent treatment and I'm devastated and thinking I'll be moving out.
Posted by Amanda808[/QUOTE]

So I guess your name is NOT on the mortgage??? 

What is it that you're not telling us about the situation?   A guy just doesn't wake up one morning and decide he wants a prenup.    He must want out.   And how.

AmethystMSU

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_prenup-surprise?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:f91b7406-2554-46ef-ac12-fd2793871293Post:458399af-314e-4021-9050-8f4ea3cccdf8">Re: Prenup surprise</a>:
[QUOTE]     Wow. I would certainly postpone the wedding and I would be more concerned over someone giving me the silent treatment and failing to communicate more than anything else. Sounds like there is more to the story like a PP said.     Whose name is the house in? Why would you open a joint bank account with someone you are not married to? Do you pay the bills from that account or does he have full control of that money? Why is he giving you the silent treatment? Is this the first time he has done that?      Sounds like you should get yourself into some counseling to see why you would go against your own good judgement and buy a house with someone before marriage as well as other things. If you continue this relationship you should bring him with you.     
Posted by spikeinc[/QUOTE]

This.

OP, you still haven't said whether your name is on the mortgage and deed to the house. I'm not a lawyer but based on my knowledge, this makes a difference and already the house is half yours.

The silent treatment and lack of communication one month before your wedding would be a HUGE red flag to me. A relationship cannot thrive without good communication. It also is headed in a bad direction if one person treats the other as less of a person based on his/her income level and future earning potential.

We are trying to help you but I feel like you are leaving some details out of the story, as your FI's behavior seems extremely odd with just one month to go until the wedding.

VarunaTT

You know, in all honesty not snark, this sounds like an old boyfriend's trick of breaking up with me.  He's trying to be such a humongous a$$hole that you'll back out of the wedding and he doesn't have to be the bad guy.

So do it.  Everyone deserves better that marrying someone who doesn't want to be with them 100%, money making abilities aside.  If you've made a bad decision, you have a way to save yourself from a worse decision.  You don't sound like you're marrying for money, so get the he!! outta Dodge.

jess9802

I really want to know whether your name is on the deed to the property.

AmethystMSU

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_prenup-surprise?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:f91b7406-2554-46ef-ac12-fd2793871293Post:53b54f09-ad79-4dcd-a21f-ed0acc2d443b">Re: Prenup surprise</a>:
[QUOTE]I really want to know whether your name is on the deed to the property.
Posted by jess9802[/QUOTE]

Same here!!! Because that makes a huge difference.

BTW, we are wedding date twins :)