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I want to cancel the big wedding in favour of a small one..

sarahnzsarahnz member
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in Wedding Woes
Hello "the knot" world :) i am a new poster here, and i am just after some venting space feel free to share advice/opinions if you like.
So... The big day is in March 2011 and its getting bigger and bigger as everyone, namely the mother in law to be, puts in their ideas etc. Originally we were going to get married overseas, come back and have a party, until we casually mentioned this to said Mother in Law who blew her top and wouldn't have it. So here we are planning this big day and i am dreading it. (we decided the work of planning a wedding wouldn't be as bad as the back lash of getting married while on vacation) I really cannot wait to be married to mr. fiance, but i am really not fond of the big day, big money, big performance. Don't get me wrong I love going to weddings and i enjoy them, it just isn't my idea of wedding bliss! 
Anyway, to cut the babbling short, I really want to can the wedding, and do one of two things, have a very small wedding with family and close friends and then have a bit of a celebration or do the Surprise wedding thing at a party...Fiance not keen. He was keen but his mum came over and wanted to talk weddings, she has some great ideas apparently...so now wants this day (he wont admit it but i think its because she may get angry if we change plans, i have no idea why though as she doesn't have $ involved or anythign...grrr).
I am so annoyed. should i be? perhaps i am being dramatic?? all i want is marry this man, the big hoopla isn't necessary for me....anyway, thanks for the vent.
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Re: I want to cancel the big wedding in favour of a small one..

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    kayakrunhikekayakrunhike
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_want-cancel-big-wedding-favour-of-small-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:f9937e99-b193-4520-9d59-5c8a96bd0cb1Post:e84aeebb-b483-422d-960f-957ffa3644cd">I want to cancel the big wedding in favour of a small one..</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hello "the knot" world :) i am a new poster here, and i am just after some venting space feel free to share advice/opinions if you like. So... The big day is in March 2011 and its getting bigger and bigger as everyone, namely the mother in law to be, puts in their ideas etc. Originally we were going to get married overseas, come back and have a party, until we casually mentioned this to said Mother in Law who blew her top and wouldn't have it. So here we are planning this big day and i am dreading it. (we decided the work of planning a wedding wouldn't be as bad as the back lash of getting married while on vacation) I really cannot wait to be married to mr. fiance, but i am really not fond of the big day, big money, big performance. Don't get me wrong I love going to weddings and i enjoy them, it just isn't my idea of wedding bliss!  Anyway, to cut the babbling short, I really want to can the wedding, and do one of two things, have a very small wedding with family and close friends and then have a bit of a celebration or do the Surprise wedding thing at a party...Fiance not keen. He was keen but his mum came over and wanted to talk weddings, she has some great ideas apparently...so now wants this day (he wont admit it but i think its because she may get angry if we change plans, i have no idea why though as she doesn't have $ involved or anythign...grrr). I am so annoyed. should i be? perhaps i am being dramatic?? all i want is marry this man, the big hoopla isn't necessary for me....anyway, thanks for the vent.
    Posted by sarahnz[/QUOTE]

    Here's how it works:  whoever is paying gets to decide what is happening.  So, if you and your FI are paying for the whole thing, you get to make the decisions.  End of story.  However, if your parents or his are helping out, you need to take their opinions into account as well.  Your FI should be dealing with his mother and her tantrums over wedding issues, and not backing down bc he doesn't want to deal with her getting angry.  He should be on your side. 

    No, you're not being dramatic, but once you and your FI decided to involve other people, it was no longer just about what you two wanted. 
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    goodheartedmommygoodheartedmommy member
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    edited December 2011
    I can't tell you what you should do, but to this day, I completely regret our big wedding. It's just not us. We wanted a small wedding, but were talked into a huge wedding. I had the big wedding to please other people, and as a result, I have literally no fond memories of our wedding day, at all. Not one. I love my husband with all my heart, but the wedding was ridiculous.
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    Sara_18Sara_18
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You and your FI need to get on the same page, make a plan and stick to it. 

    If you and FI are paying for it - then no one else gets to dictate. They can make requests, which you can either agree with or disagree with. 

    Now, if the family is paying for it - then you have no leg to stand on . 
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    MotherBuckerMotherBucker
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Is MIL paying? If she is, then she gets to dictate.

    When it comes down to it, it's YOUR wedding. If you don't want the big wedding then don't have it.

    After 7 years, there are things that I still regret regarding my wedding. And I'll never get a do over.
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    VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    You and your FI need to get a backbone re: his mother and fast.

    I'm not keen on the "pay = my way".  But have either of you told her that you'd prefer something smaller and intimate or are you just letting her talk away?  Find a venue that is what you want and take her.  Tell her what y'all see in your head.  Words are an amazing thing in all reality.  And if she is paying and simply refuses to listen to any reason, tell her thank you so much for the offer to pay, but you'll be taking it over from here.

    I don't like the surprise wedding idea.  You are not celebrities.  Hell, it's stupid even when you're a celebrity.
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    elizb137elizb137 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You and FI need to sit and have a chat about what you both really want. If he wants to do the big wedding, you need to compromise if that's not what yOU want. it's both of your days ya know? When it comes down to it, you want to remember the wedding as a great day, not a day you dreaded.
    And if you decide you both want a smaller wedding, you both need to sit and talk with MIL about why you've decided this and ask her to tackle something for you so she feels a part of it...maybe ask her to take over the shower, or favors, something like that. If she has jobs to do, it'll make her feel important and get her off your back probably!
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    ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I'd rethink marrying a guy who has one opinion when talking to you and then changes his mind completely whenever his mom butts in.  This isn't going to stop after the wedding is over.
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    MrsChiklisMrsChiklis
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I just want to know why mothers of grooms think they have ANY fvcking say in a bride's wedding.  Money or no money.  WTF ladies.  If you wanted to plan another wedding you shoulda had a daughter and THEN fork over the per plate fee too.
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    ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I'm not sure why mothers of the bride think it's their show, either.  People lose track of who the party is for, and instead hijack someone else's occasion to throw themselves a party.  It's rigoddamndiculous.
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    MrsChiklisMrsChiklis
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    well, as a mother of 2 girls, I am looking forward to playing an active part in my daughters' "special day" (assuming they get married).  But in a supportive and helpful way of course b/c I'm perfect. No really, I can see a mother of the bride getting involved, but mother of the groom...no way.  Stay back.
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    ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    My MIL thought we should have our officiant dress up as the Phantom of the Opera, so, yeah, I'm inclined to agree.  But my mother wasn't any more help either.
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    MrsChiklisMrsChiklis
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_want-cancel-big-wedding-favour-of-small-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:f9937e99-b193-4520-9d59-5c8a96bd0cb1Post:05cb8b14-fb37-4dcb-822f-86493722b44f">Re: I want to cancel the big wedding in favour of a small one..</a>:
    [QUOTE]My MIL thought we should have our officiant dress up as the Phantom of the Opera, so, yeah, I'm inclined to agree.  But my mother wasn't any more help either.
    Posted by ReturnOfKuus[/QUOTE]

    Tell me that's not true about your MIL
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    ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    It absolutely is true.  I did use two musical selections from Phantom in the ceremony, so it's not TOTALLY random, but still... yeah.
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    MrsChiklisMrsChiklis
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Music is one thing, officiating a wedding with a half white face mask and cape is QUITE another.

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    ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Or having the officiant dress up as a character that's a psychotic serial killer.
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    MrsChiklisMrsChiklis
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    yes, right, of course that too.
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    katorigasukikatorigasuki
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_want-cancel-big-wedding-favour-of-small-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:f9937e99-b193-4520-9d59-5c8a96bd0cb1Post:dc2a7685-84bd-4f55-bd0f-21fff3d48de0">Re: I want to cancel the big wedding in favour of a small one..</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'd rethink marrying a guy who has one opinion when talking to you and then changes his mind completely whenever his mom butts in.  This isn't going to stop after the wedding is over.
    Posted by ReturnOfKuus[/QUOTE]
    ditto this.

    FI-dearest needs to be on your side.  not mommy's. 
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    sarahnzsarahnz member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thank you thank you thank you. all of your opinions and advice have been so helpful. given me a couple of *duh, why didn't I think like this* moments! the FI and I are going to have a "wedding" chat today, it totally needs to be done. MIL needs to butt out, she isn't contributing and i think the advice of telling her we want something different is so obvious but so true, and yes...need to get a back bone! I am such a people pleaser, too much of a yes man.
    I guess i am grateful my officiant is not going to be dressed like the phantom of the opera...that made me giggle, thanks lovely knotties x
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