Momzilla

samiam87

Any advice for dealing with parents who are paying for the wedding, therefore think it is THEIR reception?  My mother apparently believes that the groom's job is to just show up, but my fiance and I both want him to be involved in the planning and preparation.  We'd bankroll the wedding ourselves if we could, but that would put off the wedding for at least a year and we really just want to be married.  Plus we're both religious and (despite the fact that we're in our mid to late 20s) our parents would have a HUGE problem if we lived together before we got married.  I would rather elope than spend the next 10 1/2 months dealing with my mother, but that's not an option.

em01092

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_momzilla-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:fe0060d1-f250-4d35-941e-c3a45e6e6d86Post:4b7a059b-bb21-4a9f-9031-7bd0f4c81af9">Momzilla</a>:
[QUOTE]Any advice for dealing with <strong>parents who are paying for the wedding, therefore think it is THEIR reception?</strong>   My mother apparently believes that the groom's job is to just show up, but my fiance and I both want him to be involved in the planning and preparation.  We'd bankroll the wedding ourselves if we could, but that would put off the wedding for at least a year and we really just want to be married.  Plus we're both religious and (despite the fact that we're in our mid to late 20s) our parents would have a HUGE problem if we lived together before we got married.  I would rather elope than spend the next 10 1/2 months dealing with my mother, but that's not an option.
Posted by samiam87[/QUOTE]

<div>Sorry to say, but if they are paying, they get a lot of the power. It is unfortunately one of the problems with accepting money from others. You really have to either a) go along with what they want, b) hope they will compromise/come around, or c) decline their money and pay for it yourselves so you can do what you want. </div><div>
</div><div>Have you tried calmly explaining how you and FI feel? Say, "Parents, we appreciate all the help you are giving us for our wedding, but FI would like to be involved and we hope we can come to some compromise about (what ever issues are bothering you)." </div><div>
</div><div>What exactly are you at odds about with the wedding, just out of curiosity?</div><div>
</div><div>Also, why is eloping not an option? Is it just not what you want deep down? A lot of brides say they want to get it over with, but they just say that out of anger. Some do run off to the courthouse, but then regret it and want their PPD (pretty princess day) and you can't have that without looking uber silly. </div><div>
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ichellemay1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_momzilla-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:fe0060d1-f250-4d35-941e-c3a45e6e6d86Post:30627f10-28fc-4fe7-874d-43570f8992fc">Re: Momzilla</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Momzilla : Sorry to say, but if they are paying, they get a lot of the power. It is unfortunately one of the problems with accepting money from others. You really have to either a) go along with what they want, b) hope they will compromise/come around, or c) decline their money and pay for it yourselves so you can do what you want.  <strong>Have you tried calmly explaining how you and FI feel? Say, "Parents, we appreciate all the help you are giving us for our wedding, but FI would like to be involved and we hope we can come to some compromise about (what ever issues are bothering you)."</strong>  What exactly are you at odds about with the wedding, just out of curiosity? Also, why is eloping not an option? Is it just not what you want deep down? A lot of brides say they want to get it over with, but they just say that out of anger. Some do run off to the courthouse, but then regret it and want their PPD (pretty princess day) and you can't have that without looking uber silly. 
Posted by em01092[/QUOTE]

This.

kcgrl

I have heard many stories about parents who find it their right to control the wedding because they are paying. In all fairness they are only half right. I have never seen or heard this situation work out for the happiness of all involved. My friends didn't win because ultimately the dollar spoke more. Their parents wouldn't compromise. I'm not saying don't try - that's the first thing you should do - communicate. But in the end if they won't budge and you really want your FI involved (and make your own decisions about the guest list, decorations, etc) you have to let go of the nice things they are doing and pay for the wedding yourself. Ask yourself if the stress for the next 11 months would be worth it when all you might have to change are the decorations to save money or shorten the guest list/location etc. Are you wanting a PPD that only mommy can afford? Or are you willing to dial it down?   Hope for the best and Congratulations on getting married

run4funjb

I am going through the same thing. They say that its all about us, but our opinions don't matter. Its adding unnecessary stress.....

LD1970

Sure I know how to deal with it.  I had the same issue with my mother.  So we said, "thanks, but no thanks," and paid for our own wedding.

It's really the only way.

DG1

Why is eloping not an option? 

Your parents don't want you to have the wedding you want, and they don't want you to live together before the wedding, and they don't want you to elope. 

Just who is running your life, anyway? 

BriannaMMariani

In defense of OP some mothers would be extremely offended and possibly disown a child for eloping..I have seen it happen.

salto3

My mom is acting like this as well.  She seems to want this to be her wedding and she keeps saying that the MOB is the 2nd most important person, the groom is just there as a prop...  She's getting very "high and mighty" about this whole thing - she wanted me in a ballgown (which is not me) ans now she wants to do a receiving line after the ceremony and wants us positioned so that she is 1st in line and my FI's parents are last.  She obviously doesn't like FI's parents and thinks that she's better and smarter and her little snips about them are really getting annoying.  She even made a big deal about table numbers "we have to be at table 1 and they can be at table 2"  Oi.  Mother thinks she's way too important.

As for advice, I would say that you should let your parents have their way with the stuff you don't really care about so that you can have your way on the stuff you do care about.  I'm going to let her have that stupid receiving line, but I am not wearing a ball gown.  It adds a lot of stress if you don't just let them have something.

fauxfaux

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_momzilla-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:fe0060d1-f250-4d35-941e-c3a45e6e6d86Post:b86714c6-b3bb-4462-b490-b5856e32e1bc">Re: Momzilla</a>:
[QUOTE]Why is eloping not an option?  Your parents don't want you to have the wedding you want, and they don't want you to live together before the wedding, and they don't want you to elope.  <strong>Just who is running your life, anyway?</strong> 
Posted by DG1[/QUOTE]

I can understand eloping not being an option. My brother eloped and it took a long time for my mom to get over it. I'd rather not deal with parental drama so I started saving to pay for my wedding years ago. I've also decided to have a surprise wedding, because again... I am not putting up with it. <a href="http://community.theknot.com/cs/ks/user/default.aspx?membershipid=7662293870026099&plckUserId=7662293870026099" target="_blank" class="username_knot">salto3</a>, you are a far more patient soul than I. Thankfully, I don't think my mother would ever go that far but she's already (I assume jokingly) threatened to wear a t-shirt stating she wasn't involved in the planning if I have a wedding registry (because it's tacky). In short, the Momzilla tendencies are already there.

samiam87

Eloping is not an option in the church we attend.  As far as the $$ goes, FI and I want a smaller, more intimate, and more handmade wedding than my dear mother.  As for how she's earned the nickname Momzilla, FI and I were hoping to keep the entire wedding under 200 people.  My parents put together a guest list of 200, and made 170 of those people non-negotiable including ex-relatives whom I haven't seen in over a decade (and the list does not include the groom or his family or their friends or even my friends).  Also, I found shoes I really like (strappy flats--I want to be comfortable on my wedding day!) and my mother told me they aren't respectable because she doesn't like the color (silvery-gray).

dragonwagon

I feel that when people offer to pay for a wedding, it should be a gift and not a way to have all the power and control of the wedding.

However, if I am putting down some cold hard cash on something, I'd probably have some stipulations myself.