Help! Mormon and Alcohol

sjl0414

My fiance' comes from a mormon family that does not drink. He is not mormon so he has no problem with alcohol. Heres my problem. We will be serving alcohol at the reception. My fiance's little sister was going to get married and when she mentioned to her mom that there would be alcohol at the reception, my FMIL told her that she would have nothing to do with the reception. I don't know how to handle this situation. I love her dearly but my side of the family does drink. My parents and I decided, out of respect, that we would have a sparkling cider toast. However, I am afraid that she will not come to the reception and I want her there. What would you do?

mrsandersentobe

I was just at a wedding where the groom's family does not drink. They did have alcohol at the reception. The RD, hosted by the groom's family had no alcohol. His parents did contribute to some of the expenses, but they were very clear that their contribution went to "x, y, z", and not the bar. I would think that same as your family is willing to consider their wishes, and have a sparkling cider toast, that they would be willing to come to their son's wedding and just not drink.  Perhaps you and FI need to sit down with his Mom and explain how much you want her there, and see if you can come up with compromises that she would be happy with. (Perhaps the bar is outside the door to the reception room, rather than inside. Seat his mother at a table with others who won't be drinking. Be sure to have lots of non-alcoholic, and possibly de-caffeinated drinks)You didn't mention who was paying...I'm guessing either your parents or you and FI, but FMIL doesn't have as much control over the reception if she's not paying, as she might at her own daughter's reception.GL!

mbcdefg

If she doesn't want to drink then of course that is her right. However, she does NOT have the right to impose her beliefs on everyone else, and you do not have to cut the alcohol for everyone else just because she's judgemental and selfish and wants the world to follow her personal beliefs. It's not like other people will be tying her down and forcing alcohol down her throat. She needs to get over it. My opinion - call her bluff and say you'll miss her at the reception (actually, your FI should be saying this since it's his mother). I'd be willing to bet that she'll still be there and that she's threatening you just so she'll get her way.

Catwoman708

Those are their beliefs, you can't change them. You can have any wedding you choose, and accept the fact the FILs may not attend. Or you can change your wedding to something acceptable for the FILS, and accept the fact that others might not want to attend that version. Or you can find a reasonable compromise. Like have an afternoon wedding with short simple reception (cake and punch type) that everyone can attend. Then have a larger party type reception later (everyone should be invited, whether they choose to attend or not). Then you can have dinner or hors d'oeuvres, drinking, music, dancing, whatever your heart desires, and your budget allows.

DZKathryn

You could try considering the timing of the bar too. Perhaps have an alcohol-free dinner and do the toasts and first dances earlier in the evening so his family can be a part of all that and then open the bar after dinner so guests who don't wish to take part in that can politely excuse themselves.

Leah&Christian09

Does she also refuse to go to restaurants where they serve alcohol? Because this is the same thing. If she chooses not to drink, that's her call, but that doesn't give her the right to impose her beliefs on others. I would say "FMIL, I respect your beliefs and opinions, however, my family has different beliefs and opinions, that I also respect. While you choose not to drink, they choose to drink. There will be a wide variety of n/a bevs available, and no one will attempt to force anyone to drink alcohol. However, if you feel that your desire to avoid any place that serves alcohol is so strong that you won't attend, we understand. You will be missed."

megk8oz

Just because you serve alcohol doesn't mean that every guest attending will be assigned an attendant that ensures they consume x amount of drinks during the reception.I think unless FMIL is paying for the reception (As in: either your family or you and FI are footing the bill) then she has no right to stop you from serving alcohol. If she's paying, you DO need to respect her wishes on the matter.If she chooses to not attend the reception because of this, then it's on HER conscience that she missed her own son's wedding because people were consuming alcohol. You can't beat yourself up over that.Best wishes.

Simply Fated

Unless she's paying, she doesn't really get a say in this. And since she is threatening to not attend, I'm guessing sh eis not footing the bill for this. I totally understand her beliefs, but she can not impose her beliefs on other people, especially when the people hosting the event do not even share her beliefs.

hollieheidi

First, rather than assume she won't be there, ask her.  Maybe her reasoning is because it's HER daughter (still not a good excuse, but maybe) or because SHE would be paying for it and didn't believe in spending her money on alcohol. Just ask, then if she says no the decision will be up to you...FMIL or alcohol.  That's a tough one, but don't stress until you know there's a problem first.

bethak

You could try considering the timing of the bar too. Perhaps have an alcohol-free dinner and do the toasts and first dances earlier in the evening so his family can be a part of all that and then open the bar after dinner so guests who don't wish to take part in that can politely excuse themselves.I think this would be a very good compromise. My family is alcohol free as well, and we are choosing not to offer alcohol to make things less tense. Also, we're saving a lot of money, but that's another thing.

Lasairiona

While I have no problem with people having different beliefs, there is a line being crossed when people force those beliefs on others to the point that everyone's comfort is compromised. There is nothing wrong with your FMIL not drinking but it is not her place to judge what other people do. Does she boycott certain restaurants and other venues because they have alcohol on the menu? If not, then she's being hypocritical in this case because the logic is the same. At the restaurant or other venue, no one is forcing anyone to purchase alcohol, and the same is true for the reception. The fact that your fiance doesn't even have the same beliefs as his family should say something. Really though, it's not her wedding so she does not have the power to make any of these decisions. Have to you talked directly to her (not through the SIL) and find out what is a compromise she will be accepting of that you both can agree on? But in the end, if she doesn't want to attend due to her personal beliefs, that is her choice.