Controlling MOB

bhinkebein

My fiance and I have picked out a location for our reception, but my parents don't even want to take a look at it or try their food.  Instead my mom is shoving other ideas down my throat, and I don't want anything to do with them.  We went an looked at a banquet facility this evening and you would have thought that she was the one getting married and not me!  How can I make her see that this is my wedding and not hers?  My fiance and I want to split the reception cost with my parents, but I think they are wanting to pay for everything.  I am grown and live on my own.  How can I get my mom to listen to what I say?  What can I do?  I am at my wits end and ready to go elope!

mbcdefg

Pay for 100% of the wedding yourself and then they have no say. Problem solved.

megk8oz

"Whoever pays, get the say".If you want your mom to butt out, you and your FI need to foot the entire bill.If you're ok with your parents paying for everything, then that means you're unfortunately going to have to be ok with them making these decisions.

kmmssg

Have a quiet conversation with her when you are not feeling hurt or defensive.  Something like this: "Mom, I really appreciate yours and Dad's generosity with the wedding.  The vision and things you seem to be really pushing are not at all what we envisioned for our wedding.  I'd like to just chat for a moment about what we really are looking for."" and then tell her. If she still keeps up with pushing her ideas and dismissing yours and FI's, you will need to very respectfully decline their money and pay for everything yourselves.  

Julia O'Brien

I agree with PP. The only way to avoid handing over control is to foot the entire bill yourself. My FI and I opted to pay for the wedding ourselves.  At first it seemed really hard, but going through the planning we realize how great it is . The FMIL has been particularly trying hard to have the wedding her way. Suddenly she's offered to pay for things that she wants... but we gave a firm no, and carried on.  

duckie1905

If you pay for your own wedding you get to make these decisions.  Accepting your parents' offer to pay means they get to call the shots.  It is their money afterall, even if it is your wedding.  You don't have the right to tell them how/where/when to spend their money. Pay for your own wedding and all of these problems disappear!

gailpete

I'm a MOB and my husband and I are paying for our DD's wedding.  I do go with her to look at vendors and offer my opinions on what she and her FI want.  However, it would never occur to me to try to force her to do something she was opposed to just because we are paying.  If something is too expensive we let her know, but  other than that, it is their wedding and it should be what they want.As PPs have said, talk to your mom when you are both relaxed and explain your vision of the wedding and why you prefer the venue you selected.  It may just be that she is so excited for you, she doesn't realize what she is doing.good luck

cukimerrydoll

Talk with her.  Be clear and honest with your feelings.If you want, bring visual aids.  See if you can take some pictures of the reception hall you want and gather some ideas on how to arrange it.  If you can make her see your vision, it gets a lot easier to work together.I've been having similar problems with my mom.  My parents are paying the bill, and I thank her all of the time for that!  But once we were able to get all our feelings on the table, it got a lot easier to really crack into the planning.Part of the problem might be the perceived price of the venue - make sure you get an estimate for if you sit down with your mom.With my reception hall, I was really lucky.  It's in my dad's hometown, so he and I were familiar with it.  Once we walked through, he was sold.  And, as always, we let my mom sleep on it.We had a similar situation with the dress... except instead of my dad, it was my FMIL (she rocks, btw).So, maybe sit down with both your parents and maybe another person to help "mediate" or share ideas.  I've noticed that a lot of the time, the "mediators" work in the bride's favor.

kRd1868

the suggested sit-down chat is in order. But also listen to her -- she may have other reasons for suggesting the venues she did and hasn't articulated them well for you.

bhinkebein

So I talked to my mom the other night, and it turns out that my dad is the problem.  Who knew?  I talked to her about what my fiance and I were looking for, for our wedding reception.  She said that she would put a bug in my dads ear and we'd go from there.  She called me back later that night and said that we would at least go and take a look at it.  I told my mom that if my dad couldn't behave the he could go sit in the car!  I've heard of a bridezilla, but a dadzilla?  Lord help me.  Thank you guys for all of your suggestions, as they were extremely helpful!!!