My father is an alcoholic, but we don't want a dry wedding

Alesha1023

I was wondering how people have dealt with this in the past.  My father cannot be around ANY alcohol.  There's a good chance that he will not even go to the reception, and just go to the ceremony.

However, if he was interested in going, I would want the reception dry until he left.  Has anyone came across this difficulty?

And, when does the father daughter dance happen?  Could I do it in the beginning before people eat?

QueerFemme

Could you speak to your father and ask him to bring his AA sponsor with him to keep him in check.

You could do the ceremony, and immediately do the "special"dances as soon as you get to the reception so he could leave, but it would probably be a bit awkward.   Usually those dances happen after dinner and after your first dance with your fiance. 

thale0924

My mom/step dad/their friends are in AA and I was running into a problem with the venue.  I just asked there to be no wine on those tables that the AA people will be sitting at.   Although, all of the people coming to my wedding have been in the program for upwards of 15 years so they can be around it...

I would be so stuck if they were knew in the program!  Sorry for this dilemma.

kmmssg

cm has a good idea about seeing if his AA sponsor can go with him to the wedding.  Alcoholism and addiction are rampant in my immediate family and I have not asked nor wanted my girls to have dry weddings.  I can see where having his sponsor right there with him could be a huge help and comfort to him.  Would that work?

angelsong21

If he is in AA working the program, I would also see if his sponsor can be there.  He can introduce him/her as a friend to anyone who asks.  Someone very close to me was out of treatment for less than a week prior to our wedding and insisted we not change our plans to have an open bar.  Friends and family would check on him to see if he needed a refill on soda so that he wouldn't have to make a trip to the bar area.  There were plenty of other things going on at the reception besides drinking so his attention was on that anyway and it was a non-issue.  

I think it would be difficult to hold off on the alcohol at your reception until after he left.  Many who are having alcohol do a cocktail hour so that guests can grab a drink or two while the wedding party and family take pics.  You could come in and do the dances first like pp suggested.  Do your entrance and immediately do your first dance with your H, then do a dance with your father as guests finish up their apps (if you are doing a meal).  Your dad could leave at that point if he needed to.  Oy, that's a tough situation and I'm sorry you are having to make these decisions.

Honestly, I would follow your dad's lead on this.  Ask him what his thoughts are and what he's comfortable with.  If he says he prefers not to be at the reception and that he's okay with this, then go that route.  If he says he can't be around alcohol but he really wishes he could be at your reception, then discuss some possible options (like the ones mentioned in previous posts).  He knows what he needs at this point and what will make him incredibly uncomfortable or comfortable.  Let him take the lead and just be as supportive as you can in whatever he decides is best for him.

insanityofamom

I agree with PP. I am in similar situation. However, my preference is to just to a champange toast for alcohol. We might serve wine only, but that's still up for discussion. Have a talk with your dad. I'll be having one with mine. 

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_my-father-is-an-alcoholic-but-we-dont-want-a-dry-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:228b107c-33c0-4bf9-b5ca-942c854a5311Post:f4d717a7-5a70-46dc-bbd0-918e1dd1a0d1">Re: My father is an alcoholic, but we don't want a dry wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Could you speak to your father and ask him to bring his AA sponsor with him to keep him in check. You could do the ceremony, and immediately do the "special"dances as soon as you get to the reception so he could leave, but it would probably be a bit awkward.   Usually those dances happen after dinner and after your first dance with your fiance. 
Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]

I like the idea of brining an AA sponsor.

Also, most of the weddings I've been to have the dances during dinner.  Bride and Groom during salad, father daughter/mother son during main course.

Alesha1023

Thanks so much for the advice, everyone!

My father is newly recovered.  He has been sober for about 6 months.  I like the idea of his sponsor coming.  I am going to speak to him and see what he thinks about that idea.  Also, he is very socially awkward and may not even want to go to the reception, which I am OK with.  I just do not know how to bring it up.  I think I will ask my Grandmother first (his mother) and see what she thinks. 

In the end, I may have a dry reception.  The only main reason that I do not want a dry reception is that people may ask why there is a dry reception in the first place, and then my father will be singled out for his addiction.  This would be the first time he met a lot of my fiance's family, and I do not want it to be more awkward than it needs to be.  I do like the idea of sticking to a champagne toast only.  We'll see.  I guess the first step is just having the discussion.

Thanks to everyone for their help!

TaraKeeley

It's really cool that you're being so thoughtful of your father!  Of course, you SHOULD be, but not all people are, and weddings sometimes bring out the ME ME ME in people :-X Anyway, just wanted to compliment you on that. My future father in law is a recovering alcoholic. He doesn't seem to have quite the problem with needing to avoid booze at all costs that your dad does, but I understand your sensitivity.

If your dad just wants to come to the ceremony, support him in that. Tell him you'll miss him, but you understand. Make sure to get photos with him before he goes.

I also like the idea of him bringing his AA sponsor or someone else who can help him through the day. Suggest that option to him, and let him know that if he feels overwhelmed by the situation, you won't be offended if he quietly bows out and that you totally understand.

Alesha1023

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_my-father-is-an-alcoholic-but-we-dont-want-a-dry-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:228b107c-33c0-4bf9-b5ca-942c854a5311Post:aa50d1a2-c841-4765-8188-4719d5671af1">Re: My father is an alcoholic, but we don't want a dry wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]It's really cool that you're being so thoughtful of your father!  Of course, you SHOULD be, but not all people are, and weddings sometimes bring out the ME ME ME in people :-X Anyway, just wanted to compliment you on that. My future father in law is a recovering alcoholic. He doesn't seem to have quite the problem with needing to avoid booze at all costs that your dad does, but I understand your sensitivity. If your dad just wants to come to the ceremony, support him in that. Tell him you'll miss him, but you understand. Make sure to get photos with him before he goes. I also like the idea of him bringing his AA sponsor or someone else who can help him through the day. Suggest that option to him, and let him know that if he feels overwhelmed by the situation, you won't be offended if he quietly bows out and that you totally understand.
Posted by TaraKeeley[/QUOTE]

Thank you so much for your input!  And, I appreciate your compliment about my being thoughtful. 

katypeg

Best of luck wth your decision. 

We actually had this conversation with our caterer recently because of a history of addiction in both of our families.  We discussed the option of a list of people not to be served (or overserved) to the bartenders and how the caterer will handle it. 

I think it's best to ask your dad what he is most comfortable with and I hope that his sponsor can help with navigating the reception if that's the route he chooses.