Cocktail Reception?

scotqueen7

Hello!

I'm hoping someone out there has been in my situation because I am desperate for some advice!

My fiance and I are having a really hard time agreeing on the type of wedding that we are going to have.  I want a very traditional wedding with a church ceremony, all friends and family and "normal" reception.  My fiance however has very little family and hates the spotlight and is really not happy about my idea.

So, I was thinking that we could have a small, traditional ceremony in a church with our very closest friends and family on a Friday night, followed by a nice dinner.  On Saturday night, we could then have a big party where all of our friens and family would be invited.  I was thinking of a cocktail-type reception and also having a DJ so that people could dance and let loose.

Two of the things that I have been thinking about with this idea are: 1) what do I do since I want to show off my dress to everyone, not just those attending the ceremony, so do I wear this to the "party" 2) if I wear my dress to the party, do I have to tell the reception location that it's a party for a wedding or can I call it a cocktail party to try and get a better price???

What do people think of this?  I'm having such a hard time letting go of my "traditional" wedding but really want my fiance to enjoy the day as much as I do.....

Help!

lauralaur

Have you asked him about this idea? The thing is, I feel like having the big party on Saturday will still put him in the spotlight, which is what he wants to avoid. Is it possible to have a different sort of compromise? If you were thinking 200 guests and he was thinking 5, maybe you could meet at 100?

The thing is, if you go through with this idea, you get everything that you want, and he sacrifices. If you have a really, really small wedding, he gets what he wants and you sacrifice, so I don't think this is the solution. I think you'll both need to give up a little here.

Second, I don't know that calling it a cocktail party will save you a lot of money from the reception venue as you're still booking a Saturday night, but even if it does, showing up in a big white dress and tuxedos is going to tip a few people off. Wearing the dress to the party is up to you, personallly I wouldn't do it because I would feel odd, but that's just me.

scotqueen7

Hi!

So the actual count of the guest list that I was hoping for was about 100, most of which were my guests.  So I think a compromise for him would be 50, which I am just not sure I can do.  Ugh.  You're right though, if we go with my idea, he's probably going to feel like he's not being heard and if we go with something super small, that's how I am going to feel.  It's definitely tough and we have had a really hard time talking about it.

Thanks for the input on the cocktail reception.  I just keep thinking that if we end up having a small ceremony, I won't get to show my dress off to everyone! 

Thanks again.

Lasairiona

Nothing wrong with a cocktail reception. It won't offend your vendors to have such a thing as those quite popular for weddings. Be aware that they are much more expensive than plated meals or buffets because you're actually serving more food with a cocktail reception. Unless you go to Costco and get frozen appetizers to DIY.

Either way, the very first course of action you need to take is to sit down with your fiance and decide what you both are comfortable with. Contrary to belief, it's his day too, otherwise there would be no wedding. You're going to have bigger issues to deal with after you are married and you will have no choice but to learn to compromise with each other. If you aren't willing or able to do that, don't get married.

On the same token, you cannot invite more people to the reception than you do to the ceremony. Many people will claim that it is perfectly acceptable to do this since everyone and their brother is taking part but it is incredibly rude. Your guests will be highly offended if you do this, even if they never say anything to you directly. You're basically saying that certain people are better than others who have no worth at all. If you can't treat all guests equally, don't invite anyone.

From your description, it sounds like the only thing you care about is showing off your dress, regardless of how your fiance feels about anything, especially since you mentioned that he doesn't like crowds and that you want him to suck it up and deal with it since "the bride makes all the decisions and the groom is just backdrop scenery" is the mentality that your posts convey.

scotqueen7

Yikes.  Wow.  That's not how I intended to come off at all.  I am really very new to the whole wedding planning thing.  I wasn't the type of girl who had the whole thing planned out before I even got engaged so I feel like I am jumping in with no idea what to do!

But thanks for being pretty insulting.  I had no idea that's what I would get out of these boards.........

Catwoman708

I think keeping the guest list small, and having a relaxed reception where you just mingle with guests, without all the typical "photo ops" might keep him from feeling like he's in the spotlight. 

You can skip the grand entrance, first dance, speeches and toasts, garter toss, etc...  Encourage people to be up and dancing and mingling, maybe with a might finger food buffet, or "stations" spread throughout the room.  Keep the lights as dim as reasonably possible, stay by his side, and visit guests at their tables, or while they're mingling.  Maybe have a "sweetheart table" to retreat to for a little quiet time.

Moscow04

I like the idea Catwoman said.  Its tough because weddings are the one event in your life where you SHOULD be the center of attention and for people who don't like attention (my FI included) weddings can be tough.  That said I almost feel that he should be willing to give into the idea have having a nice reception but do things to keep the attention away like PP said.  You only get to do this once.  That way you both can have what you want but also when you decide to get engaged and to have a wedding he's got to realize that the attention WILL be on the BOTH of you.  Its hard to say "lets get married and have a wedding and not have the attention on ourselves" That's just not how weddings go. See if you can compromise on the little things to make him feel more comfortable because afterall, it's his wedding too. 

PS I am very new to this board here too and there are people here that can be very insulting but for the most part I've found that most ladies here are very very helpful. Don't allow other's opinions to change what you want, this is the most important event of your life and only take the helpful suggestions to heart.  Hope that helps! good luck!

AmoroAgain

Yeah, I would see what your FI is really wanting, and see what he would compromise on.  H and I ended up with a 46 person wedding, with an intimate dinner after at a great restaurant.  It was perfect.  I'd always dreamed of having a huge wedding with all the acoutrements and when we discovered that our budget just wasn't going to allow for that, I had a moment to be sad, and then I realized, it isn't about the wedding, it's about the marriage.  I knew that my H was disappointed that we couldn't do more, and I didn't want him to feel bad about that.  So, I put on my brave face, told him it would be simple, and got down to busness.  Oftentimes, we're so caught up in thinking this thing or that thing is absolutely necessary to make it  A WEDDING that we forget about the simplest and most basic thing that makes a wedding day perfect-- family, love and happiness.  It was such a RELIEF to not have to figure out all these crazy details for hundreds of people that I haven't seen, and won't be seeing again for.... how long?  At the end of the day, H and I were so appreciative of being able to take our time at each table, and to be able to really talk to our guests instead of a hurried hello as we tried to make it to all the dances, do the cutting, saying hi... Ugh.  Just thinking about that stresses me out. 

Anyway, the point of my rambling here is, that you should embrace the small wedding without all the junk.  It makes your life and your FI's life so much easier to just keep it lowkey.  Which doesn't mean that you have to not wear your dress or not make it beautiful, but to have fewer distractions. 

And, I don't think the day after party is a *great* idea.  I mean, it could work, but I wouldn't make it anything wedding-y at all.  Definitely no dress wearing.  Lord, after our wedding, the LAST thing I wanted to do was to put my dress back on.  I loved it and all, but yikes.  I couldn't wait to get it off at the end of the night!

MyNameIsNot

I have another idea.  What if you did a super small immediate family only, 20 people invited to your ceremony on Saturday.  Then, host a cocktail party or dinner reception or whatever you decide you want, and invite the whole 100 people guest list.  Then compromise with your FI by skipping spotlight dances, not doing a big introduction, not being on a raised head table, etc, etc.  You will be walking around in a big white dress, and the bulk of the guests will be your friends and family.  You'd get all the attention you need just from that, but he could sort of let you have the spotlight and stay in his comfort zone.

duckie1905

I answered on the other board, but there are more details here.  Your idea is not a compromise.  You get everything you want, including multiple chances to "show off your dress."

I'd vote for the small ceremony and the intimate dinner afterwards.  It sounds like that is what would make him most comfortable.

As for the party later, just skip it.  

evabee

I think it is perfectly reasonable to want to wear your dress in front of the bigger group. Weddings are supposed to be about the marriage, but they are also a big moment in American culture and I bet many guests would be disappointed to not get to see you in your dress! As for having a wedding one night and a party the next, I think it would be weird to wear your dress to both, but if you had a small ceremony with party/cocktails after, with some kind of definitive line drawn for the ceremony guest list (family and bridal party ONLY is a good way to go), I don't think people would necessarily be offended, as long as you don't pick and choose family members. You could say on the invites "please join us for cocktails to celebrate our marriage" or "for our first evening as a couple" something like that... not "just join us for the reception".

My FI and I are both not ones for the spotlight, so we're having a cocktail reception that emphasizes everyone's love for each other! After we cut the cake, my parents will cut the cake and his parents will cut it, our grandparents, then anyone else who wants to cut it with someone they love. We're not restricting it to couples either, so I will also be cutting the cake with my two best friends. We're taking pictures of everyone "doing the deed" and then including those in our thank you notes. We thought of it to take the attention off of us by including everyone else. We're also toasting other people, so I will be standing up to toast my sister and her husband and he will be toasting his father, etc.

I don't know if something like that would make your FI feel more comfortable, but I think that what you want is just as valid as what he wants. Compromise for sure, but don't let people make you feel shallow or superficial for wanting the pomp and circumstance that is such a fun part of our culture!