Dealing with Father who has passed away

kangaria13

My father passed away suddently about 10 years ago. Since some time has gone by, things are obvioulsy easier than when he first passed. However, my wedding is bringing up some emotional feelings. My family and I really don't want to dwell on the saddness that he is not going to be at my wedding and are doing small things that only we know about to honor him. I am very comfortable with this.

The thing that is really difficult for me right now is the Father/Daughter and Mother/Son dance. My FI and my FMIL really want to do the Mother/Son dance. I don't want to deny them that moment, but I am dreading it. Thinking about it brings me to tears and I know that I won't be able to contain my saddness during that moment. And to be honest, I am jealous that he gets this special moment with his parent and I don't. I feel horrible about that.

I have asked my mom and my brother if they would want to do the dance with me. They both said that they would prefer not to, and I would like to honor their wishes.

I have considered doing a dance with my dad's best friend, who has been very supportive over the years. But again, I am dreading the moment of "all eyes on me" during what will be a very emotional moment.

Has anyone else been through something similar? I think I just need to hear that I am over reacting and some assurance that it won't be that bad.

TIA!

GoodLuckBear14

Honey, I am so sorry.

Instead of trying to find a replacement, why not just sit with your mom and brother at a table while your FI and his mom have their dance.  That way nobody will be watching you, they will be watching your FI.  And I doubt anyone will say anything since by the time you get to the reception they will know that you lost your dad.

alithebride

you're right-you should not deny them that.
and it's ok if you cry-most people do during those dances. dont worry about being able to contain your sadness. and it's certainly NOT a reason to deny your FI that dance. if you feel like it will be too much take that time to go to the ladies room and freshen up-you dont have to be there for it if you aren't doing a dance.

Danntom2013

My sister got married six years after our father passed away suddenly.  She was faced with the same situation.  She asked our godfather, who was the patriach of the family, to stand in.  They did the dance and then she went over to a table that had a framed picture of our father on it and kissed it.  Very nice and classy.  (and the danced better than her husband and his mom!!)

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_dealing-with-father-who-has-passed-away?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:5e525bd0-5320-4ae1-920e-224286e37843Post:56d1843c-0ae0-4baa-a5e7-6b8cbbc02c3c">Dealing with Father who has passed away</a>:
[QUOTE]My father passed away suddently about 10 years ago. Since some time has gone by, things are obvioulsy easier than when he first passed. However, my wedding is bringing up some emotional feelings. My family and I really don't want to dwell on the saddness that he is not going to be at my wedding and are doing small things that only we know about to honor him. I am very comfortable with this. The thing that is really difficult for me right now is the Father/Daughter and Mother/Son dance. My FI and my FMIL really want to do the Mother/Son dance. I don't want to deny them that moment, but I am dreading it. Thinking about it brings me to tears and I know that I won't be able to contain my saddness during that moment. And to be honest, I am jealous that he gets this special moment with his parent and I don't. I feel horrible about that. I have asked my mom and my brother if they would want to do the dance with me. They both said that they would prefer not to, and I would like to honor their wishes. I have considered doing a dance with my dad's best friend, who has been very supportive over the years. But again, I am dreading the moment of "all eyes on me" during what will be a very emotional moment. Has anyone else been through something similar? I think I just need to hear that I am over reacting and some assurance that it won't be that bad. TIA!
Posted by kangaria13[/QUOTE]

mlg78

I lost my dad 15 years ago when I was 19 so I TOTALLY understand.  And I'm sorry, but I don't think anyone who hasn't been in those shoes should be weighing in on this sensitive subject...  

I also feel that this wedding planning has brought up emotions that haven't been as significant in the last 10 years or so.  It sucks.  I think my highlight was bawling my eyes out in Walmart while on the phone with my mom.

That being said...what would make YOU feel better about the situation?  I'd hate to see you deny your fiance the opportunity to have this special dance with his mom.  Quite honestly, I'm thinking that might be the perfect time for me to take a pee break with my bridesmaids so I can just escape the situation in hopes of not getting emotional.  I've already asked a couple of individuals who I know are likely to do so to not mention my dad to me on my wedding day (ie - your dad would be so proud...or I'm sure he's with you today) because I know that I'll just start bawling my eyes out and once I start I'll struggle to stop.  

Only you can determine what will make you feel okay in the moment.  For me, I need to eliminate myself from the situation.  

mvance3

I've been dealing with the same thing...my dad died just 6 months ago so it's still pretty fresh.  I ultimately decided that I'm cutting most father/daughter moments totally out...I'm walking down the aisle alone and I'm not doing any kind of father/daughter dance.  FI decided against a mother/son dance for his own reasons, but I planned to simply remove myself to the ladies room while it happened if need be.

You are definitely not overreacting...weddings are one of those special moments where you always picture both parents being a big part of it.  The fact that our dads are not going to be there for us is going to be hard and there's no way around that.

mlg78

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_dealing-with-father-who-has-passed-away?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:5e525bd0-5320-4ae1-920e-224286e37843Post:c0f9c051-f650-4f52-8b0b-b39234333200">Re: Dealing with Father who has passed away</a>:
[QUOTE]This is how you do it:  After your first dance with your new husband, you lead him by the hand over to his mother, and place his hand in hers.  You then watch them dance, standing with hands clasped and a smile on your face, and feel free to shed a tear or two.  Afterwards, your new husband returns his mother to her seat and escorts you back to your table.  Everyone will think you are the perfect daughter-in-law, and your FMIL will be so happy!
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

<div>That is FAR easier said than done.</div>

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_dealing-with-father-who-has-passed-away?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:5e525bd0-5320-4ae1-920e-224286e37843Post:f3b6624d-4548-46bb-8760-2f291a82e184">Re: Dealing with Father who has passed away</a>:
[QUOTE]They did the dance and then she went over to a table that had a framed picture of our father on it and kissed it.  Very nice and classy Please don't.  That is REALLY sad, and could be very upsetting to the mother. I've been widowed, and would NOT be okay with photos of my deceased husband at the kids' weddings.  Believe me, milestone events for the surviving parents are already difficult enough, knowing that the other parent isn't there to see this day. The parents dream together of these days from the moment the child is born. Then one of them passes away.  The grief comes back at those moments, even if the spouse has been dead for years.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Agreed. That is a little over-the-top for me. </div><div>
</div><div>I'm skipping the dances. So, I'm not a help to you. But FI and FMIL don't want to do it anyway. We ARE, however, dancing to my dad's favorite song in memory of him.

</div>

kangaria13

Thank you ALL for your comments. I appreciate your honesty. I am especially grateful to those of you who responded who have lost a parent prior to your wedding. It can be a lonely thing sometimes and knowing that others have been/are going through it is comforting.

You all gave great suggestions. After some thought, I decided that I will just leave the room when the Mother/Son dance takes place. It will be my "freshen up" time with my BM's. I discussed it with my mom and she is okay with it and may even join me. As a family, we have decided not to make any specific references to my dad at the wedding. Everyone knows that he has passed and we don't feel a need to put it out there. I am doing some of my own, private tributes. It is just what works best for us and everyone needs to do what they are comfortable with.

However, my FI was not thrilled about my decision. He says that he will feel awkward having a dance with his mom when I am not having one with a male figure in my life. Sigh. I don't want to be the reason that he doesn't do this with my FMIL, but ultimately it's his decision. He is very understanding of my feelings, so I know it will work itself out.

Thanks again!

mlg78

In Response to Re:Dealing with Father who has passed away:[QUOTE]Thank you ALL for your comments. I appreciate your honesty. I am especially grateful to those of you who responded who have lost a parent prior to your wedding. It can be a lonely thing sometimes and knowing that others have been/are going through it is comforting.You all gave great suggestions. After some thought, I decided that I will just leave the room when the Mother/Son dance takes place. It will be my "freshen up" time with my BM's. I discussed it with my mom and she is okay with it and may even join me. As a family, we have decided not to make any specific references to my dad at the wedding. Everyone knows that he has passed and we don't feel a need to put it out there. I am doing some of my own, private tributes. It is just what works best for us and everyone needs to do what they are comfortable with.However, my FI was not thrilled about my decision. He says that he will feel awkward having a dance with his mom when I am not having one with a male figure in my life. Sigh. I don't want to be the reason that he doesn't do this with my FMIL, but ultimately it's his decision. He is very understanding of my feelings, so I know it will work itself out.Thanks again! Posted by kangaria13[/QUOTE]

Just do what is best for you. If he is understanding he will eventually realize what a difficult moment that will be for you because nobody can ever replacement your dad. Whatever you do, good luck!

kangaria13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_dealing-with-father-who-has-passed-away?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:5e525bd0-5320-4ae1-920e-224286e37843Post:900aba1c-e11b-4304-92ac-0c70c8e20308">Re:Dealing with Father who has passed away</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Dealing with Father who has passed away: Just do what is best for you. If he is understanding he will eventually realize what a difficult moment that will be for you because nobody can ever replacement your dad. Whatever you do, good luck!
Posted by mlg78[/QUOTE]

Thanks, mlg78. I sent you a PM.