Extra Party AFTER Destination Wedding??

VlnVlaLove

My fiance and I are thinking about having a destination wedding to which we would only invite 20-30 people. But, we could probably invite 100 people if we were to have our wedding locally, and I feel badly that many wouldn't be at our actual wedding. Any ideas about how to include everyone else in another party of some sort without breaking the bank? Is it rude to have an "after-wedding party"? Should we just have a big engagement party and then a very small wedding? Help please!!

aegrish

Actually a lot of brides on the DW boards have AHR's with those that they could not invite to the wedding.  Whether it's proper etiquette or not is a debate for another post...  That being said, you need to send out marriage announcements immediately after you are married and keep the AHR low key.  Low key as in the wedding reception is not 'recreated', but rather a way for family/friends to congratulate you, have some food/drinks, etc. 

aegrish

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_extra-party-after-destination-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:d9189705-c36a-469d-a7b2-19b81034bb78Post:c55d8d59-620a-4633-969b-993e222332cf">Re: Extra Party AFTER Destination Wedding??</a>:
[QUOTE]Actually a lot of brides on the DW boards have AHR's with those that they could not invite to the wedding.  Whether it's proper etiquette or not is a debate for another post...   That's why I said it was rude to do so. Of course you are physically capable of inviting people to AHRs who weren't invited to the wedding, but it's not polite. I'm physically capable of kicking puppies and small children, but it's not politie to do so, so I don't.
Posted by cfaszews25[/QUOTE]

I wasn't meaning to contradict you.  I somewhat agree with your PP as well.  I think you can make a AHR look <em>less </em>gift-grabby if you invite non-wedding guests by keeping it low key,.  You can also just go ahead and invite everyone to the wedding as we did, but then you risk that people actually will COME, and if you want or need to have a small, intimate wedding, that's a risk you shouldn't take.  It also depends a lot on your local setting.  In my FI's hometown, it's common for couples to go away for a DW with a small group and then just invite everyone (usually by word of mouth even) to the AHR/bbq. Half the town usually shows up and it's very informal (jeans and flip flops).  In my hometown, no one that I know has ever had an AHR much less one where they invited non-wedding guests, and it would be considered rude and unlikely that very many would attend.

VlnVlaLove

"Low key as in the wedding reception is not 'recreated', but rather a way for family/friends to congratulate you, have some food/drinks, etc." 

This is exactly what I was thinking about, but cfaszews25, thanks for putting everything so frankly--I wouldn't want non-wedding guests to feel second rate. Hmm.. 

Currently thinking Florida. But we're probably 18 months out from this. We each have about 10 people from our families (including very close aunts/uncles/cousins) and most of his extanded family is from out of the country. The rest of mine we don't keep in touch with. Then, our only friends would be bridal party and their spouses--about 8 extras, one of which is his brother. 

So, we do have around 50 other friends (parents friends, our friends, neighborhood friends)... Maybe the total would actually be under 100, but still it's more than we'd prefer to invite to a destination. 

It sounds like we will end up deciding huge hometown or small florida! Ahh!

courtney1188

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_extra-party-after-destination-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:d9189705-c36a-469d-a7b2-19b81034bb78Post:265473f7-b309-4eb6-b2aa-533c5824aef1">Re: Extra Party AFTER Destination Wedding??</a>:
[QUOTE]"Low key as in the wedding reception is not 'recreated', but rather a way for family/friends to congratulate you, have some food/drinks, etc."  This is exactly what I was thinking about, but  cfaszews25 , thanks for putting everything so frankly--I wouldn't want non-wedding guests to feel second rate. Hmm..  Currently thinking Florida. But we're probably 18 months out from this. We each have about 10 people from our families (including very close aunts/uncles/cousins) and most of his extanded family is from out of the country. The rest of mine we don't keep in touch with. Then, our only friends would be bridal party and their spouses--about 8 extras, one of which is his brother.  So, we do have around 50 other friends (parents friends, our friends, neighborhood friends)... Maybe the total would actually be under 100, but still it's more than we'd prefer to invite to a destination.  It sounds like we will end up deciding huge hometown or small florida! Ahh!
Posted by VlnVlaLove[/QUOTE]

I was stuck in a very similar situation, and we decided on a large hometown wedding. As much as I would of loved the setting and feel of the Florida wedding I wanted, it was more important to have everyone there, and I'm not a fan of AHR's following destination weddings.

aegrish

IMO,  if you're not In Love with the idea or setting of a DW, don't do it.  It can be just as much work, stress and cost as a hometown wedding. And it is very hard to exclude people or keep the guest list small. trust me! 

kate3246

I'm doing a AHR after my sort of destination wedding. I'm going to have around 50 people at my wedding, which is only 4 hours from home, then do the reception back home about a month later. I've been letting everyone know about the reception, and I've only invited family to the wedding, with the exception of 3 super close friends. All of my other friends and family who aren't invited are totally fine with the AHR, I actually talked about not having one, and people got upset because they wanted to be able to celebrate with us, even if they couldn't come to the wedding.

So, if you let people know ahead of time that they will be invited to the reception I don't think it is rude, most people wouldn't travel to FL even if they were invited, because it's a bunch of money and planning involved. I'm from a small town of very friendly people, so it works for me.

elizajane519

I can't weigh in on whether it is rude or not- I am not Miss Manner.  But, I was invited to a friend/co-worker's AHR and I was excited to go.  She had a small destination wedding with her family and had a party in DC after they returned.  I was not invited to the wedding but I was invited to the bridal shower and AHR.  It never occurred to me that I was being slighted.  I was happy for her and I was happy to celebrate her wedding with her.  I didn't feel like a second class guest or that she was trying to gift grab- I think she requested no gifts at the reception.

I actually plan on doing something similar.  I am getting married in my hometown with basically just mine and my fiance's family- which is already 80 people if we limit it to blood relatives and the people my parents NEED to invite. My parents are paying so probably more of their friends will be at the wedding than my friends, so I am also going to throw my own party after we get back to DC and explain that it is not a gift grab but that we want to celebrate with the people close to us in DC without making them spend money traveling to a destination wedding, with the hassle of hotels, using vacation time, and traveling with small children.  It will be low key with cocktails, heavy appetizers and dancing on a Friday night and I will wear a party dress-not a wedding dress.  The guest lists will overlap for my two maids of honor but I already told them why I am doing it and they understand-they are to come to party not buy me anything else.

I had two choices- I could do low-key and cheap at the destination and invite everyone or I could limit my parent's expenses and let them throw the fancy shindig they imagine and then have my low-key party in DC.  I couldn't in good conscience invite people to travel 5 hours and not give them dinner-which is what would work in the budget-  so this is my compromise.  
I don't know the etiquette and I keep meaning to ask Carolyn Hax during her chats but if someone thinks I am rude for inviting them to a convenient party to celebrate my marriage then I don't really want to be friends with them.

momnbride2be

My FI and I are going to Jamaica to get married. We have a small budget so we are doing the wedding/honeymoon all in one. We didn't invite family or friends. Everyone understands that we want it to be private. We sent out save the dates for our post-wedding celebration for family and friends. We having that 3 weeks after we get back. At the celebration we are showing a slide show of our pictures so that everyone can see it. So many people have told us that we are doing it the smart way and they wish they would have done that.

Personally, it's my wedding and I am the one getting married. It should be what I want and what is going to make me happy. It's not about making friends and family happy. They should understand if your going away for a small wedding and coming back to celebrate.