Reception BEFORE wedding?

wilsonjenny

My fiance and I are in our mid30s and want a small, intimate, private wedding day. Our main focus is to surround ourselves with our close family and friends on our big day. Plus, we are getting married in a small chapel at my college alma mater that only seats 60 people.

However, we want to be polite and include other people extended family, parents' friends, shower / tea hostesses as a part of our wedding celebration. We talked about a very small ceremony followed by a large reception but have decided that's not our vision for our wedding day. We want it to be as quaint as possible. We are not planning a reception after our ceremony. For our guests attending the wedding, we plan to host a brunch before the ceremony.

So, we're talking about mixing things up a bit and having our wedding reception the day BEFORE our wedding. That way, we can include all of the people we would normally invite to a large wedding but reserve the sanctity of the day for us, our immediate family and our very close friends.

I do not personally know anyone who has switched the natural order of things. And I have not heard of anyone doing this. Have you done this? Do you know someone who has done this? How do you think this switch up plays into the etiquette rules?

Avion22

A few things about your plan concern me:

1.  You are planning a tiered celebration.  It's okay to have a small ceremony and larger reception if the ceremony is truly private (parents, siblings, grandparents only, generally less than about 20 people).  Having a 60-person ceremony then a larger reception just tells those other people that they didn't make your Top 60, but that you still want a gift from them.  

Solution: Only have a 60-person reception.   You can socialize with everyone else at a different time in an event that is not wedding-related.  Have a BBQ at your house the following week, or do a fall-themed open house or something, but don't make it wedding related at all.

2.  People are hosting teas and showers who aren't invited to your ceremony.  NOBODY should be invited to teas or showers who aren't invited to the wedding.  Let alone accepting an offer to host from someone who isn't invited.

Solution:  If you haven't accepted these offers to host, then decline.   Otherwise, find a way to make room for these people at your ceremony.

3.  Recpetions come afterward.  Period.  They are a thank-you to your guests for sharing your special day with you.   Hosting a brunch for the 60 people who attend your ceremony is just fine, and would be a lovely way to follow up an early-morning ceremony.  

Solution: If your chapel reservation is the early afternoon, then maybe you could host cake and punch with light apps immediately following?  Or maybe do a light early evening meal.  

There is a reason you have never heard of someone doing what you are suggesting.  There are many flaws in your plan, and if you do this you run the risk of offending a LOT of people.  I'm sorry if this sounds harsh.  But unfortunately, your friends and family will probably just smile and tell you it's okay while they are cringing on the inside, because they don't want to hurt your feelings.   However, chances are if people on TK think this is a bad idea (and you aren't the first to ask about some of these issues), then chances are you will be offending somebody on one of your guest lists (probably the B-listers, I'm guessing).  You probalby don't want to start off your married life by offending your new husband's Great Aunt Sharon....

lyndausvi

A reception before a wedding is just a pre-wedding event.  When you invite people to pre-wedding events they have to be invited to the ceremony.   

Not only that it's just weird.  One thing I love it to see a couple ON THEIR WEDDING DAY.  They have such a glow that you do not find the night before or even sometimes hours before.   It's like something happens after they say their vows that just lights up the couple.  I would be really disappointed to miss out on that by going to a party the night before.  

I say just have a 60 person ceremony and reception and call it a day.  People might be disappointed they were not invited, but really it's not a big deal.  People know everyone can't be invited to weddings.

I'm also not a fan of brunch before the ceremony.  How anti-climatic for your family and friends?  How hard is it to have a morning ceremony then a brunch?  Why the other way around?  I'm going back to the glow thing.  I want to see the couple get married then have a reception/brunch/whatever.  I don't want to see a ceremony and then just go home.

NOLAbridealmost

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_reception-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:ecbfe2ad-b1f5-4521-bc00-b46dba145864Post:76effdf0-23a6-46a8-9841-e43988851178">Reception BEFORE wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I are in our mid30s and want a small, intimate, private wedding day. Our main focus is to surround ourselves with our close family and friends on our big day. Plus, we are getting married in a small chapel at my college alma mater that only seats 60 people. However, we want to be polite and include other people extended family, parents' friends, shower / tea hostesses as a part of our wedding celebration. We talked about a very small ceremony followed by a large reception but have decided that's not our vision for our wedding day. We want it to be as quaint as possible. We are not planning a reception after our ceremony. For our guests attending the wedding, we plan to host a brunch before the ceremony. So, we're talking about mixing things up a bit and having our wedding reception the day BEFORE our wedding. That way, we can include all of the people we would normally invite to a large wedding but reserve the sanctity of the day for us, our immediate family and our very close friends. I do not personally know anyone who has switched the natural order of things. And I have not heard of anyone doing this. Have you done this? Do you know someone who has done this? How do you think this switch up plays into the etiquette rules?
Posted by wilsonjenny[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>PPs have pretty much nailed it, but I want to hone in on one thing in particular. </div><div>
</div><div>If you have a big wedding-related event the day before the ceremony, you're having a pre-wedding party.  The hands-down, number 1 biggest rule of wedding planning is <em>NO ONE gets invited to a pre-wedding party and then doesn't get invited to the ceremony</em>.  Period.  Some people think it's acceptable to have a truly private ceremony followed by a much larger reception (I personally disagree with the practice, but I believe etiquette allows it).  But <em>even in that situation</em>, you have to include everyone in the ceremony who has been involved in a pre-wedding party....and because the ceremony is only okay if it's truly immediate family, there probably shouldn't be a bunch of pre-wedding parties anyway except perhaps a rehearsal dinner. </div>

missfrodo

FYI, please put XP (cross post) in the title if you post the same question to multiple boards...I replied to the thread on the other board, but these ladies said it much better than I.

wilsonjenny

Avion22 Thanks for your candid response. While the chapel can seat up to 60, we do not plan on inviting that many people to the ceremony. The ceremony will be limited to immediate family. We have chosen a small ceremony to avoid hurt feelings. We thought the reception or maybe I should just call it an engagement party would be a way to include everyone else for a longer period of time and thought that was much kinder than inviting everyone to the brunch and then "dismissing" them so we could proceed to the actual ceremony. As far as bridal teas and showers go, only one of those events include nonfamily members. My mom's church and work friends have asked to host a tea, knowing that the ceremony is family only. Since these people would be the first nonfamily people we would invite to a larger wedding, we thought including them the day before was special. After reading your reply, you've given me much food for thought. If you have additional comments, I'd love to hear them.

wilsonjenny

:[QUOTE]A reception before a wedding is just a prewedding event. When you invite people to prewedding events they have to be invited to the ceremony.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]


lyndausvi: Our other option is a destination wedding. How does your rule about prewedding events apply to an outofthecountry wedding?

Avion22

Wilsonjenny, that makes more sense.

If your ceremony truly is immediate family only, then that's cool.  You can have a larger reception later in the day (again, I would still do this AFTER, so you can celebrate your marriage with these people).  

As for showers, if the ladies at church want to throw you a shower, then that's okay.  Work showers and church showers are generally exceptions to the "must be invited to the wedding" rule.  But again, if you're having a reception after the ceremony, and these people are invited to that, then it's okay.

It would be awkward to "dismiss" people from the brunch so you can have your ceremony.  It's much easier and less awekward to have the ceremony first, then have the reception a few hours later.   

wilsonjenny

NOLAbridealmost: The only prewedding event that will include nonfamily members is a bridal tea hosted by my mom's church and work friends. All of these ladies know that our ceremony is private. Aside from the ladies who have personally told my mom they want to host a tea, I do not intend on inviting any additional people. That being said, do I need to invite these ladies to my familyonly wedding? Thanks.

wilsonjenny

Sorry. I'm new.

Avion22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_reception-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:ecbfe2ad-b1f5-4521-bc00-b46dba145864Post:12ff2e41-5e6a-4936-aaa5-37a695a44239">Re:Reception BEFORE wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry. I'm new.
Posted by wilsonjenny[/QUOTE]

<div>Yeah, we can tell by your post count:-)  It's no big deal, the point of the site is to ask quetions and get advice.   Please don't let our (sometimes brutal) honestly come across as snarkiness. We really just want to help make your special day as good as it can be:-)</div>

NOLAbridealmost

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_reception-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:ecbfe2ad-b1f5-4521-bc00-b46dba145864Post:ea367812-cfb4-41e6-abb7-5c6caeb9bbac">Re:Reception BEFORE wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]NOLAbridealmost: The only prewedding event that will include nonfamily members is a bridal tea hosted by my mom's church and work friends. All of these ladies know that our ceremony is private. Aside from the ladies who have personally told my mom they want to host a tea, I do not intend on inviting any additional people. That being said, do I need to invite these ladies to my familyonly wedding? Thanks.
Posted by wilsonjenny[/QUOTE]

<div>The tea is fine, because church and work showers are an exception to the rule.</div><div>
</div><div>What's <em>not</em> fine, is having a big get together the day before the wedding and then having a private ceremony afterwards, and that's what you were asking about doing in your original post.</div>

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_reception-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:ecbfe2ad-b1f5-4521-bc00-b46dba145864Post:91297b88-9756-427a-8197-9e444f5ee245">Re:Reception BEFORE wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]: lyndausvi: Our other option is a destination wedding. How does your rule about prewedding events apply to an outofthecountry wedding?
Posted by wilsonjenny[/QUOTE]

<div>Same rules apply.   </div><div>
</div><div>BTW - I had a DW.  We didn't invite anyone to any pre-wedding events that were not also invited to the ceremony.\\</div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>ETA  - celebrating a wedding AFTER the ceremony is always better than before.  IDK.. if feels like bad luck or something having a reception before an event.  </div>

alithebride

i totally understand the part abotu the small ceremony.

you cannot celebrate something that hasn't happened yet and you certainly cannot slap another name on for convenience-like 'engagement' party. 1st because you dont throw your own, 2nd because it isn't and 3rd becuase that happens soon after you get engaged.