NWR: So frustrated with each other *long*

sarlah

As many of you know FI and I recently bought our first home. Well everything was just hunky-dory because the place was in such bad shape, we really had to work together and work really hard to get it to where it is now. It's only been almost a month, but the house is like a different place now. Everything is painted all nicely, we got carpet in last weekend, our couch came, etc. Now we are getting down to the "decorating" aspect of everything and let me just tell you... I think we might kill each other before we're done. I feel like FI hates all of my ideas, which makes me very upset. My being upset leads to me basically shutting down and being totally indifferent. I won't lie, I don't like some of FI's ideas either.Well tonight we were in Home Depot and he points out this particular lamp which he already owns and asks if that lamp will have a place in our home. I reply "I don't know, maybe." Because I... don't... know... right... now. He gets all pissy and asks "Why don't you want to use anything I already own?" And I snap "Because nothing you own matches and we don't live in a frat house!" Then he said something and I said something, and it's pretty much just been silence ever since.From my POV, I have sacrificed things that I thought were important to me. I feel like he isn't sacrificing anything though. We can't even talk about it anymore because we're both so frustrated with each other. Plus I am bad at controlling my emotions and whenever tense convo's come up I always start crying. It's really embarrassing.It's like, I don't want to live in what looks like "his house" and he doesn't want to live in what looks like "my house". We are trying to find "our" style, but it is not easy.The added pressure (for me) is that I know in a couple of weeks I am suppose to be taking b-pics in our house and I am really hoping at least our living room will be done, and maybe our bedroom will be as well. I knew the b-pics alone will be awesome, but I want to do them in our house because I think that will just add a little something extra... I don't know. Plus it's way cheaper than also renting a hotel room.I'm sorry I just need to vent. I'm so stuck right now and I don't know what to do. FI is in the other room working away because he doesn't want to just sit here while we aren't talking. We tried to talk about this a few days ago and I thought I was getting over it, but I guess not. I think it is stemming from earlier in the evening when I showed him some bedside tables I really, really like, and he just shoots them down saying he doesn't like them, and "why can't I just use the one I already have?" Well, the one you already have doesn't match anything in any way. It's not even in the style we like - it's just there & free. Ugh! There I go again! I just have to stop.Thank you to anyone who made it through all of that!ps: I hate feeling like a nag, which keeps me from speaking up a lot. Especially when I know FI just wants me to be happy.

Soon2bMrsNaylor

(((Hugs))) I'm sorry you're going through a rough patch. Maybe you guys should hold off on working on the house for a few days, just to cool down. Then each of you should make a list of things you want and both gather some pictures of styles you like. Seeing both of your styles side by side may help you pick out things in both that you can agree on. If he's more concerned about saving money (which it sounds like from the repeated "can't we use something I already have") you guys may be able to hit up consignment stores or something. I would also suggest that you calmy sit him down and explain that you don't want to use his old things because they are his and you want this new house to reflect both of you. Let him know that you're frustrated too, but getting into fights aren't going to help solve the problem. I hope that helps GL sweetie!

brian&shelli

::: Hugs ::: I'm sure everything will fall into place! Keep your chin up! :::Good luck vibes::: that you get your B-Pics in your home like you want!!

sapphiredaizy

Hopefully you find a way to mesh both your styles and end up with a house you'll both love to come home to. My FI and I went through the same kind of thing because our tastes seemed so different. We've finally found "our" style and now we don't have those fights anymore. Good luck...I know it'll work out. Moving is just a stressful time in general

sarlah

I don't know what to do. I seem to just be making it worse now.

carrieoz_76

I try to be pretty systemic about this stuff. I suggest taking a day at least off from discussing the subject. Then when you approach it, tell him you want to be a team on this issue, not the opponent. Sit down and figure out what you agree on, and list it out. Then list out what you don't agree on, and then you compromise on something, he compromises, and back and forth. Anything you don't agree on together, you need to keep looking for and not keep the other person's thing. We don't buy decorations unless the other person can live with it. If we don't both love it, he get's something he loves that I can live with then I get something I love that he can live with. And that's how we do it. It's hard now, but a little time and being a little calmer will help, I'm sure.

drm6285

I know first hand how bad this sucks because FI and I had the same issues when we first moved in.  It sounds like your FI is like Harry and concerned about money- I'll tell you right now, if that is the issue, you will probably disagree when it comes on investing in your house, etc.  I agree it's good to take some time to cool off, and then maybe sit down and talk about why he wants to keep his stuff and why you are disagreeing, then find a way to compromise.  It will be a lot easier to avoid these fights if you know the meaning behind both of your perspectives. GL and HUGS!  Fighting sucks!!!

caymans_christy

I can empathize.  FI and I had a similar fight this past weekend.  We are tiptoeing around each other even now.  Since I am moving into his house, we have alittle bit different of a dynamic than the two of you but similar problems.  One thing we did is designate one room for me... that is mine to do with however I want - "my" furniture, "my" decorations (yes I plan on flowering that room up!!).  I don't know if something similar would help you guys work through your issues.If he is worried about $, you guys need to figure out what you want to spend money on right now and what you want to use the "frat house" stuff for a little bit longer.  FI doenst want to get rid of furniture (b/c we really dont want to buy new furniture right now) and we have ended up with 5 dining room tables (seriously - 5!!).  Because we can't get rid of anything that someone has given us - they might be offended.  I convinced him to move 3 tables to the basement and will deal with his separation anxiety at a later date... baby steps.  I always thought that the moving in together was going to be harder than actually living together (or planning the wedding!).Good Luck - I know how stressful this can be!

t1nkfan

:: HUGS ::  I am so sorry you guys are having these bickers...  just know that it is normal -  not to mention planning a wedding on top of it all.  I think you've gotten a lot of great advice so just try to hold your composure as best you can

nubiannqween

Yea, arguing is always a rough situation. I agree with the PP. I would even go as far as to call a truce, and drop it for a solid week. At the end of that week, come together and bring your ideas and styles you like to the table. You both should have pictures of items you like. Sit down and go through it together. Just be clear to your FI that you both may have something you may not really LOVE. You both won't love everything you pick out. Maybe you may want to entertain giving him one room that he can decorate himself without any input from you. Maybe the basement or something! ;-) I'm in the beginning stages of house hunting with my FI and we have had a few "discussions" about what we want, how much work we are willing to do to fix up an house, etc...its tough. You will get through this. Just keep calm and get some down time. You both will be OK.

sarlah

Thanks ladies! FI and I talked last night and agreed to just move on from this for right now, not talk about it for a few days, and then try to sit down & talk about everything calmly. I think that's the best solution for right now, hopefully in a few days we can come to some kind of common ground. Again, Thank you for all of your kind words, advice, and encouragement!

Future.Mrs.H.

I'm glad you talked and are taking a break from the situation. I know moving to a new place is overwhelming and if you add the wedding on top of that, things can get rough. ::HUGS::

gabi829

I'm sorry your decorating tastes are not meshing!  One time I told fi that he didn't live in a frat house anymore and he did not like that one bit.  I'm sorry but I didn't think we needed a mirror-plated bottle of Absolut displayed in the living room.Men need time to change.  I think it might help if you sit down and make a budget for your decorating.  Then, if you can, make one room his "man cave."  Men like having an area all to themselves where they can keep all their frat house relics.

chosen175

Well good for you for at least approaching the situation instead of sitting in seperate rooms ignoring each other! I am glad you called a truce and I hope the time away from decorating will help. I can't really offer advice - when FI and I moved in together 5 years ago, our place looked like a frat house. Nothing really matched. I had an entire apartment full of furniture that he said was "too girly." He had been renting a fully furnished apartment so all he brought were his clothes, 3 video game systems, and fugly desk that he wouldn't part with. We picked 1 room at a time and I gave up some of my girly things but we had a very hard time deciding on things. What worked for us was whenever he found something he liked in a store that I didn't like, I would ask him "What exactly about that lamp do you like? Is it the color? The height? The lamp shade?" If he liked the color, I would look for another lamp in that color that I liked. If I found a bedspread I liked, I would tell him "I really like this one, especially this shade of green." and see what he thought. We agreed I could keep my girly purple & white towels (because nobody really saw them) but FI will only use the white ones. Silly, but I learned to let it go. We use the ugly dishes/glasses he picked out but that meant I got to keep my eggplant colored couches. Oh, and I sanded down and refinished the fugly desk, changed the drawer pulls, and added a desk blotter, mail holder, etc and it looks really nice. He got to keep his desk he's had since he was 7 and I didn't have to look at anything fugly anymore. Good luck finding "your" style. And you WILL find it... just be patient and remember to compromise. *HUG*

siba1119

::HUGS:: I'm sorry. It was the same thing for Aaron and I when we moved in together. It sucks. A few suggestions that may help with the decorating is try to incoporate one or two things into the room and if they don't match maybe have them hidden a little bit until you can make them 'disapppear'. Also Aaron knows when we buy a house he will get one room to himself where he can put up all his 'boy stuff'. HTH!