Bridal party Woes - My MOH might not make it to the wedding ;(

venus909

I’m a little sad today.  I just received an email from my MOH saying that she might not make it to the wedding.  She said she is trying, but some things came up for her daughter’s school that she needs to pay for that she wasn’t expecting and so she doesn’t know if she will be able to make it.  She was supposed to put her deposit on her dress tomorrow (she is the only one the bridal store is waiting for so they can place the order) and it doesn’t look like she will be able to do that.  I offered to help her with the dress, but she said she doesn’t think she will be able to pay for the trip.  BUT what disappoints me is that she told me a few weeks ago that her, her boyfriend, her daughter and daughter’s friend are all going to Disney world at the end of January…  She just planned this trip.  Granted, who am I to tell people how to spend their vacation, but she knew about my wedding since May of last year and she knew that she was my MOH since that time as well…  AND I changed my wedding date originally because she couldn’t make it on the 22^nd so I changed it to the 29^th so she could… soooo it’s a little disappointing.

My MOH is in New York.  She is the only one in the bridal party that is out of state and really hasn’t been available to do much wedding anything… and now hearing this I can’t but feel like maybe I should have asked my one of my other good friends to fill that role. 

So I wrote back to my MOH and told her how I understood, was a little sad and disappointed and told her that although I would never ask her to back out of being in the wedding, that I would understand if she could no longer commit to the added responsibilities.  I told her I needed to know soon so that I would have time to process.  I hope that if she does back out that she would still try to make it, but at this point I don’t know.

My question is, if she backs out, what do I do?  I feel horrible thinking about replacing her, BUT I also feel that I really want a MOH there.  I would want to ask my friend (who is already a bridesmaid) if she would step up and fill the roll but I don’t want her to feel like second best.  I actually originally thought about have 2 MOHs but since I have such a small bridal party I decided against it and picked one over the other.

Also, do I ask someone else to be a Bridesmaid or do I just deal with an uneven bridal party?  All of the sudden I feel sooo confused!

If you made it through all of this you definitely deserve a drink and/or a cupcake! 

What would you do?

BMcLeodTeam

I would just deal with an uneven bridal party. Anyone that you ask now is going to feel second best if they know the rest of the party has known for that long. Also I would leave it at just bridesmaids, and not replace that title. Not only will you have a friend feeling like she's second best, you'll have a friend feeling like she's that easily replaced in your life. Its a touchy situation where you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings

rmontpas

I am sorry Jen.  I don't have any advice except for what Britt has already said.  I hope things change for your MOH and she can at least come to the wedding even if she can't stand up for you any longer.

BMcLeodTeam

I hope that she can still come! I know that you want her there, and it means a lot to you! *hugs*

jtoly

Oh Jen that's rough! Did you see that coming? It seems like she was kinda backing off with not putting a deposit in for her dress, maybe she's been thinking she couldn't make it for a while but couldn't tell you. That would upset me too about the Disney trip! Maybe one of your bridesmaids will offer to step up to the MOH role.

saric83

Aww...that sucks! : (  I'm sorry!

Ditto PP's advice....Please do NOT ask someone else to be in the wedding, nor ask one of the other bridesmaids to be the MOH.  They'll know that they were the second choice. 

DH had a groomsmen who didn't make it (and didn't tell us until the month or two before), so we had an uneven wedding party, and it was totally fine! 

minionlover

That really sucks. I would be upset too. In the end, I really think that it depends on the situation and I think that it's up to you on whether you want to pick someone else. I was asked to be in a wedding party after everyone else was picked. I didnt feel like I was a replacement at all. I had met this friend after we had both gotten engaged and picked the wedding parties. We became very close and so she asked me to be in the wedding.

venus909

I guess what bothers me is that I was originally going to have a Maid of Honor and a Matron on Honor but didn't because i wanted my MOH to feel special.  BUT the girl who I would have picke to be the Matron of Honor has been the one that has helped me with everything wedding so far and is always offering and asking me how things are going that I truly feel she deserves the recgonition.

I guess my idea was to still recognize my MOH as that, but also give my other friend the recognition she deserves.  I'm not bothered so much by the uneven bridal party... but I am super bothered by not having a MOH in DR with me. Maybe that sounds a bit selfish, but I'm just being honest.

rmontpas

Jenn, why don't you talk to her and tell her exactly what you just said and see how she feels.  I probably would not feel second best myself. Good luck!

BMcLeodTeam

You might be able to make it work if you use Maid vs Matron of honour... so that your Maid of Honour knows that is still technically her role, and then you have a seperate Matron of Honour...

venus909

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-theme-boards_destination-weddings_bridal-party-woes-moh-might-not-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Theme BoardsForum:54Discussion:1689e50e-3b76-449d-9642-b54e02f9ca94Post:0351c33a-f833-4d97-9fb2-67b36b5d1bc0">Re: Bridal party Woes - My MOH might not make it to the wedding ;(</a>:
[QUOTE]You might be able to make it work if you use Maid vs Matron of honour... so that your Maid of Honour knows that is still technically her role, and then you have a seperate Matron of Honour...
Posted by BMcLeodTeam[/QUOTE]

yeah that's what I was thinking... I don't want to replace my Maid of Honor... she will always be one of my best friends and have special importance to me... but in the same token....  I don't want to go without an "Honor" attendant... if that makes any type of sense :(

jtoly

I think that would be ok to ask your friend to be a matron of honor. She's already in the wedding party and has already done a lot to help you it seems. I don't think I would be bothered by it personally unless I wasn't in the wedding party at all and then asked.

11beck

Boo!  That really stinks.  I agree about telling your friend what you were originally planning and say that she's been helping out a ton and want to give her some recognition.  If it were me I would understand. 

prettyfacegal

Its better to tell you know than to wait. Just have the uneven numbers it will all work out. She may just cannot afford your wedding trip after planning her family vacation. Also, you are a good friend to change your wedding date.

kimmykupcakes

I'm sorry! I would be crushed if my moh couldn't be there. You'll be fine with an uneven bridal party. As for asking your other friend to step up, I think you should talk to her. Let her know your original plan, how you feel, what's happening with your other friend and what she thinks about everything. It sounds to me like she will step up on her own once she knows the whole story and it'd be nice to honor her in some way for that.

WinstonsGirl

That sucks!!  I know how you feel.  It's hard to understand why people who want to go aren't, but are making other financial decisions that mean they can't come.  We have a super close friend who probably isn't coming to the wedding, but has just bought top of the line speakers.  We're super disappointed, being that he had over a year's notice, but you're right, you can't tell people how to spend their money.  It's just disappointing.

As for your question, is there anything special of different that your MOH would be doing that is different from the BM's?? While I understand that you want someone there, are the jobs different?