NWR opinions

jtoly

Because you ladies are impartial I need some opinions! To make a long story short. My exH and I were together for 8 years so all our friends are still our friends which means we end up at the same parties etc. FI usually doesn't go to the parties if my ex is there because he doesn't want to feel awkward. Also my ex SIL and I are extremely close, she is one of my best friends. She thinks my FI is great and is so happy we are together even though deep down she wishes my ex and I would get back together but knows that won't happen. She also has hung out at the bar w FI lots of times so everything is ok there. This past summer 4 couples, us, exH brother and SIL went away and it was the first time his brother met FI and said he thought he was nice. The prob is that because of my exH when they have parties they invite only me cause my Ex still wants me back and they don't want to hurt him by having FI there. I guess this is understandable because it is his brother. Anyway, it's now 3 years and I do understand where they are coming from but they are having a NYE party and I'm invited my not FI. Obviously I wouldn't leave FI home to go but it sucks that all my friends will be there and we don't have anywhere to go. So I guess I'm wondering if you think it's understandable for them to do this or would you be mad? If it was any of my other friends FI would be invited, it's just that the party will be at my exH brothers house.

loramarie03

This reminds me of the Friends episode after Ross and Rachel break up and they all feel like they have to hang out with one or the other, and not together. 

To be frank, your ExH is an adult and you guys aren't together anymore. He needs to get over it and move on. Your friends shouldn't coddle him -- even if it is ExH's brother (if anything, he should know how to do the whole tough love thing). I don't think its fair for them to invite you and not your FI, especially if everyone seems to like him. It just makes the whole situation awkward for everyone because like you would seriously go to a NYE event without your FI?  

minionlover

I guess I look at it a little differently.  I will not go anywhere that I know my XH will be and neither will FI.  With my situation you do have to throw in the mix that my XH is engaged to FI's XW.  I actually broke all ties with XH's family when we broke up.  He didn't.  He still maintains a relationship with my step sister and her H and a little bit with my father.  This bothers me and FI alot since my XH and my siblings never hung out before we broke up and other reasons too.

I guess even if I had maintained a relationship with my XSIL's like you have, I would expect them to invite my FI and also let me know that XH will be there.  That way FI & I could make our own decision on whether to go or not.

baker2sn

I think it's pretty unreasonable for them to not invite the two of you, even though I understand why. If I were you and I knew that exH wanted me back though, honestly out of respect for my FI I would stop hanging out with them if I knew he was going to be there. It sucks but sometimes you gotta cut ties, unless you're both comfortable in the situation, but it seems like your FI isn't. Sorry this is happening to you! It sounds tough

jtoly

I've thought about cutting ties but these people have been my friends for a very long time. We have a group of close friends like 30 or so of us so I really don't have many friends outside this group. I've been friends w all them for 11 years now and some since I was 16 yrs old. When I say FI wants me back I must mention that he does not say this to me ever when we are at parties together. It's more like we r just friends like everyone else in the group. If u saw us at a party you wouldn't think we were together 8 years cause we act more like friends. FI always tells me to go to the parties cause they are my friends and doesn't want me to loose them. He knows me and my ex are friends and he's ok with that. Infact for the first year I didn't go to any parties because of this but he started making me go cause he didn't want to see me loose friendships that I had for so long. He doesn't go cause he doesn't want to feel awkward since my ex will be there with all his friends. Most of the time he's had to work and couldn't go anyway. I normally don't go if he's home and doesn't have anything going on. The whole NYE thing is different. I would never go without him and it sucks knowing all my friends will be at the party. I agree that exH needs to suck it up Or perhaps his brother thinks it will bother him and maybe it really wouldn't. It just kinda hurt my feelings.

minionlover

I wonder if it is more that XH brother is bothered that you will all be invited to the same party.  Maybe he thinks that someone will do something stupid.  Either way, I still think that they should extend the offer to both you and FI not just you.

jtoly

Cathy I thought the same thing too. I know ex BIL was very upset when I left his brother because we were very close as well. But it's been 3 years and I'm engaged. We still get along very well, I just can't take FI to their house.

BMcLeodTeam

I agree with the others... your exH is an adult, everyone needs to let this go and move on, you have!

jtoly

I agree. I wanted to make sure I wasn't being unreasonable in thinking FI should be invited too considering everything. I'm really disappointed in my exSIL since we are like best friends. I'm assuming it's more her husband making that decision but I think he needs to realize how this would be upsetting to me and that I wouldn't go without FI. I will just make it a nice night for the two of us with wine and our jacuzzi!! I will miss my friends but all I need is him to be happy!

minionlover

I would tell xBIL that you are declining the invite because you want to spend the evening with FI and since he wasn't invited you decided to do something else.  What you have planned sounds nice!!

kimmykupcakes

It's not ok to only invite you.  You've moved on and are with someone else. If they can't accept that, then you need to tell them that you will not be coming to anything anymore without FI. You are getting married very soon and then what? Are they still only going to invite you? You however, have to stick up for yourself, FI and stand your ground.  Let them know you won't be coming to any events FI is not invited to. It may suck to not get to be with your friends, but it's something you might have to do.

Coming from the other side of things, it sucks to be the person who's not invited. D's parents would always just invite him to stuff.  Such as family BBQs , birthday dinner's etc. His mom would call him up and only invite him.  Even though I didn't really want to go to any of the events, it still sucked to not be invited to them.  Even after we got engaged, D ended up having to tell his parents that if I was no longer invited to stuff, he woulnd't be going.  I've been invited ever since. 

Erinkathleen84

I agree. Do they seriously call you and say hey you are invited to X party but do not bring your FI ?? Like how does someone actually say that ? If you are really a true friend with someone you would not put them in that position. I could understand if they think your FI is a jerk or something like that...but they like him and he is a nice guy. That is just not cool at all. I has been a long time, it is time for everyone to move on and get over it.

jtoly

Kimmy, I agree with you. It sucks that my exSIL is one of my best friends and has a 5 yr old that I consider my nephew so I buy for him every holiday. He even calls me Aunt Jenn, so to just tell them I'm not going to anymore parties at their house without FI will suck cause I will never see my nephew. But things have to change. My exSIL is a very sweet person who doesn't like to hurt feelings so she usually just says that she's "having a party but you know John can't come cause H will flip out". I know it's more him than her. The first year of my divorce he wouldn't even let me see my nephew until after their gram passed away (she was like a grandmother to me so I went to viewing and funeral knowing the family was upset with me). Then he realized what a nice person I am or whatever. Ever since then he treats me like a good friend again....until these parties come along, and they have lots. Like I said other friends have parties and FI is always invited. But I will tell them that I will not go without FI cause it's rude!