Guest wants to bring a plus one

JamieG12

We are having a very small wedding. Our list as it stands, is 21 guest total.  13 friends and 8 family members.  We have purposely made this list very small and have only invited our closest friends.  I'm still not 100% sure that we will even invite the 21 that we have listed right now.  No invites, save the dates yet...

We are not intending to add +1s not only because of cost but also because of the intimate setting we want.  There will be singles there either because they are single or their spouse cannot attend.

We have one friend who keeps asking my FI about bringing a date.  He currently does not have a girlfriend.  Granted we are a year away, so things could change, but FI has explained this is a small wedding, everyone is long time friends, there are others coming solo, etc. However, he keeps pushing the issue.  Now all of the sudden, he's dating someone (supposedly).

I have no intention of offering +1s for my other single friends who are perfectly happy coming solo. I would like to stick to our guns on this one, but obviously I'm not trying to ruin my FI's friendship with his long time friend.  Although, I think it is extremely rude that he is not taking into account this is our wedding and we're paying for it.

Any thoughts on what we should do?

[Deleted User]

does this guy know anyone else that would be invited/attending the wedding? I would be concerned that it would be really hard/$$ to travel by yourself if you don't know anyone and are going to another country.

But for right now - I'd just let him know you guys haven't finalized the guest list yet so you can't really discuss it. Then once you get a little more settled on budget/etc you can make a decision and tell the guy.

i think technically (per etiquette) you are _supposed_ to do a plus one for anyone that you know has a significant other but I also think it would be super weird for a random stranger to be there at your small and intimate wedding.

tough one!!

JamieG12

He does know other people that will be attending and I know money is not the issue.  In fact, if he brought someone, I'm pretty certain he would be paying for her as well so it would cost him more.

He wants to bring someone because he sees it as a getaway/vacation for him that he wants to bring someone along. 

I totally agree that if it was a significant other vs. someone he picked up a few weeks before the wedding, I would invite her.  I just feel like he's more interested in his personal needs/wants than what we want for our wedding.

This is really tough because I swear this guy would say he has a girlfriend just so he could bring someone and since we don't see him that often it could be someone he picked up right before the wedding! 

I feel like once the save the dates go out he'll keep asking about it. Plus at some point he's going to have to book a place and buy a plane ticket and he may want to know if he can bring someone before this.

Maybe we can explain if we let him them we have to let all the singles, which I think is 3 more people, and we are not doing that.

Ugh!

Julyet06

A past bride did not have any plus one's at her wedding on Maui.  I think her guests respected that.  I've had one person ask me about bringing someone and heard that one person assumed they would be allowed plus one's but it turns out these people aren't even going to make it out.  I was leaning toward allowing a plus one only b/c many of the resorts at my location (Jamaica) don't allow for single occupancy.  Lots of rooms are charged as a double no matter if one person was staying in them.  Would this be the case for your location?

[Deleted User]

Yeah - it's kind of a sticky situation. I would say - talk to your FI, see how he feels about it. I can see both sides of the situation -- it would be weird and I personally wouldn't be happy to have some random stranger at my wedding (especially when I've carefully selected a very small number of friends/relatives). But I also don't think that we (as brides) get to say what counts as a "serious" relationship and if the guy says he has a girlfriend you kind of have to take him at his word or call him a liar.

Have you guys flat out to him "We want an intimate setting and as such we are not planning to allow +1 for our single guests. We want to really enjoy this time with our closest family and friends." Maybe if you put it out there - with no wiggle room the guy would let up? I have some friends like that - if you don't give them a definite answer they will try to create as much wiggle-room in the situation as possible so they can hopefully get their way but once you make it clear what the answer is they back off and go with the flow. Just a thought.


Sorry - I'm lucky in that we only have two single folks and neither is planning on bringing someone so I haven't had to deal with this particular issue!

JamieG12

Where we are staying is not a resort or an AI. It basically has all different types of rentals from studio sized villas to 1 to 3 bedrooms all the way to large vacation homes. So occupancy in the smallest places is up to or 4 people but the price is the same 1 to 4 people. It just like if you had a hotel room, the price is the same single or double occupancy. Cost is just for the room, no extras food, etc. Plus it's not a cost issue because if he brings a date I guarantee he'll be paying for the accomodations and airfare for both so it will actually cost him more. The only real reason he wants to bring someone is so he can vacation with his date in Costa Rica. It has nothing to do with cost or him being single and not knowing anyone. That's why I feel it's selfish of him and he's not considering this our wedding. The more I hash this out the more I feel like we have to stand our ground because I can't very well allow a 1 for this guest and not the others. I don't think the other 3 would bring anyone but if they did I'd have another 4 people and we don't want that many extras and we're tight on the budget as is. I guess now the question is how do we get it through this guys head without ruining the friendship?

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-theme-boards_destination-weddings_guest-wants-to-bring-a-plus-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Theme BoardsForum:54Discussion:5f7e4c3a-740e-43f7-82d1-cda876eea4cfPost:8b69c33b-4af5-4863-a9f2-922485553b07">Re:Guest wants to bring a plus one</a>:
[QUOTE] I guess now the question is how do we get it through this guys head without ruining the friendship?
Posted by JamieG12[/QUOTE]


See this is going to be the hard part. Since he is FI's friend (right?) I think you will have to let FI  dictate how it is approached since it would be him losing a friend/ hurting a friendship if that happened. Personally - I would just try to be as clear as possible. I wouldn't bring up the whole "if we let you bring someone we have to let every single person bring one and that's out of our budget" that opens the door to further discussion/negotiation ("but friend #3 doesn't even have someone to bring and I could pay for my guest" etc etc) -- I would just straight out say that you two have decided together that you want a small, intimate wedding so that you will be surrounded by those folks you have chosen that you know and love on your day and that additions to that list are not going to be included.
Close it out with a "I hope you understand and can still join us as we would love to have you there to celebrate with us"

Good Luck!!

JamieG12

I agree I don't want to ruin their friendship, so I guest FI will just have to decide how far he wants to push it. My understanding is that he told him already that it was a small intimate affiar with only our closest friends and family members. 

Maybe we'll just wait until the invites go out and then see if he comes back again with wanting to bring someone.  I don't want to ruin their friendship, but I also don't want a stranger at our wedding. 

Thanks for all the advice.  I'll let you know how it goes...

saric83

I would just send the save-the-date addressed to him and see if he's still dating someone at the time the invites go out.  A lot can happen in a year, and he might be in a very serious relationship at that point. 

If he keeps asking, just tell him that you're still finalizing the list and the budget but will let him know by whatever day the invites are going out.  Etiquette-wise, if he has a significant other, they should be included.

kimmykupcakes

I'm the bride who didn't allow any plus 1s and it worked out fine. We let ppl know up front there was no plus 1s and even put it on our wedding website. We also had a very small wedding and didn't want to spend the day with anyone who we did not know or did not have a close personal relationship with. I don't even know why someone would want to go to another's small intimate wedding if they don't know them. To me, that would be really awkward! 

It's completely rude of your friend to keep asking. I'd have your FI sit down with him, tell him there are no plus 1s, no one is bringing one and he needs to stop asking about it already because you aren't changing your mind and it only hurts the friendship when he keeps asking.  As far as etiquette, you do not have to include someone's so called significant other if they are newly dating or have a new SO every other week. You only have to invite serious significant others. 

JamieG12

Thanks Kimmy.

If he is in a serious relationship closer to the time we are getting married then that's a different story. But if he's bringing a rent-a-date, or someone he just met a month earlier, I'm definitely not interested. I'm a little floored that he didn't back off after the conversation with FI. 

I'm going to definitely do the save the dates with just him.  I'll make sure FI explains the situation again if necessary. I don't really want to tell him that we're working on the budget and list still because then I feel like I'm giving him an opening.  It's a great idea to buy some time, but I'm afraid it might back fire in the end.