Vent: Validation

fsujen18

I don't think I've posted much about my frustrations with my personal attendant...so I'm going to give some background info to get you up to speed. 

My PA and I went to school together and became friends (while living in FL).  So much that I was her MOH in her wedding in Boston (2005).  I went out to visit her while she was planning.  She never came to me.  Then for the wedding, being in Boston and staying there a week, I dropped a lot of money.  I did it though because I knew that's what needed to be done because I agreed to it.  A few years later I was in FL in 2008 for a cruise (an hour from her) and asked if we could meet up.  She told me she didn't want to drive that far...umm...we hadn't seen each other for 3 years!    After the wedding, she communicated less, and less. 

Flash forward to 2009 when I got engaged.  I told her and knew I wanted her in my wedding (not as MOH, but at least some role).  When I asked her to be my PA I told her that I'd like her to possibly be in the BM dress the others are wearing...she didn't want to spend the money.  Okay, I accept...then she can wear a different dress.  I gave her a task of getting the tables ready at the beach reception (literally putting table cloths and starfish on tables)...she said she didn't want to be away from the wedding for that long.  Okay...I'll ask one of my BM's friends who lives locally to do it.  She told me she was a vegan and asked if I could have a vegan cake.  I told her that no one else in our families is...and that there will be some vegan options, but that I'm not going to change my cake for her.  Then, yesterday I e-mailed her to let her know I set up a hair appt if she wanted one and to keep her in the loop as she lives in FL.  She e-mailed back to say that she got into school and can't miss any days...that means IF she has schooling on Friday's she won't be in the wedding and won't come to my AHR.  Now...I know I'm probably sounding selfish, but I've put aside my grad schooling, finances and etc to participate in her wedding...and I'm not feeling any reciprocal actions on her part.  But to be honest...I'm more hurt than anything.    I e-mailed to let her know that I understand...but that I'm hurt. 

Sorry to vent...but I needed to get this off my chest...so now, I guess I'm not going to have a PA, and I've even bought gifts for her...and they're personalized too.  So I guess if she doesn't show, I'll just send them to her

 

JessiiJ

OMG thats horrible! I hate how callus people can be. She's honestly grabbing.. and hopefully you'll see that your probably better off without her being there (I know I know, -gasp- what a b!tch for saying that). Just by reading this she seems like the type to steal someone's thunder in a second flat, and those types of girls are never good to have around at a wedding. Really babe, I stress that your better off. My BM that dropped out was grabbing at every straw she could before I decided enough was enough and that I'm not making any concessions for her and if she cant come she cant come. 

fsujen18

@Jessi...you may just be right.  I'll have to see how it unfolds...but I know, she probably would be a thunder-stealer and God knows...I've waited 12 long years with FI for OUR day! 

Carly245

I know that its frustrating and upsetting how careless and selfish people can be. But, like you said it's you and your fiances day and all that matters is that he is there not someone that obviously could care less!

Miracle520

Just be prepared for things to unfold how they may. I saw a lot of my "friends" true colors come out through this process. I'm the first one in my circle to get married and I've been faced with much more negativity then support and happiness because they aren't ready to be grown ups yet and think anyone who is, is lame and stupid.

I know it's not exactly the same but just know wedding planning can effect relationships. I think it's almost helpful to see how people can really be and figure out where they stand in your life during such an important occassion.

It was hard for me to do but I realized my friends who aren't supportive aren't really people I need to work hard to keep in my life. I'm focusing more on building up my relationships with our mutual friends who want to be a part of our lives.

fsujen18

True Amanda!  I should've known her true colors when she didn't even call me when my dad died.  I guess I like to hold out hope for people that they can change...but lesson learned!

torascho

In Response to <a href="http://forums.weddings.com/Sites/Weddings/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-theme-boards_destination-weddings_vent-validation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Theme%20BoardsForum:54Discussion:a96403f7-6bb9-4f76-a0f0-fbc40051c275Post:6197a3ab-81ba-495f-92e7-80a60c4ef65e">Re: Vent: Validation</a>:
[QUOTE]OMG thats horrible! I hate how callus people can be. She's honestly grabbing.. and hopefully you'll see that your probably better off without her being there (I know I know, -gasp- what a b!tch for saying that). Just by reading this she seems like the type to steal someone's thunder in a second flat, and those types of girls are never good to have around at a wedding. Really babe, I stress that your better off. My BM that dropped out was grabbing at every straw she could before I decided enough was enough and that I'm not making any concessions for her and if she cant come she cant come. 
Posted by JessiiJ[/QUOTE]

 I have to agree with Jessi on this one. If she can't be excited about your wedding and doesn't really want to put in the effort to help out then it may be a blessing in disguise that she possibly won't be there.  Sorry that may be horrible thing to say but it's your day and she could at least return the favor or act like she gives a damn.

breaness

I'm with everyone else. She obviously doesn't seem to care about your wedding and I don't think she's worth stressing over. 

risa1818

Umm did I just read that correctly.....wait, let me go back....Oh yes I did....she did not call you when your Dad died?!?!?!?!?! Jen that is beyond horrible and I am sorry but this girl is not a true friend. A true friend would recognize the sacrifices and efforts that you have done for her and appreciate them and WANT to reciprocate instead of making up lame excuses why she can't do anything!! I know this may be hard, but cut her off. Surround yourself with friends who want to be there for you and FI and WANT to be a part of things. Not someone who sounds very selfish and obviously is inconsiderate. It sucks that you went out of your way to buy her some nice gifts and include her and this is how she reacts....OHH HECK NO!! I am mad over this for you since you seem so sweet and this is beyond rude and definitely not what I would call a friend!

I am so sorry you have to go thru this, but maybe it is best to know now before it got closer to the date and she completely flaked on you. It is very true about your friends really showing true colors when these things happen. Stick with the people who really care about you and will be there for you without having to accommodate them. Lose this girl!!!

NZbride2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-theme-boards_destination-weddings_vent-validation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Theme%20BoardsForum:54Discussion:a96403f7-6bb9-4f76-a0f0-fbc40051c275Post:119a88c3-679e-4b50-8e87-a88d1e2feb31">Re: Vent: Validation</a>:
[QUOTE]Umm did I just read that correctly.....wait, let me go back....Oh yes I did....she did not call you when your Dad died?!?!?!?!?! Jen that is beyond horrible and I am sorry but this girl is not a true friend. A true friend would recognize the sacrifices and efforts that you have done for her and appreciate them and WANT to reciprocate instead of making up lame excuses why she can't do anything!! I know this may be hard, but cut her off. Surround yourself with friends who want to be there for you and FI and WANT to be a part of things. Not someone who sounds very selfish and obviously is inconsiderate. It sucks that you went out of your way to buy her some nice gifts and include her and this is how she reacts....OHH HECK NO!! I am mad over this for you since you seem so sweet and this is beyond rude and definitely not what I would call a friend! I am so sorry you have to go thru this, but maybe it is best to know now before it got closer to the date and she completely flaked on you. It is very true about your friends really showing true colors when these things happen. Stick with the people who really care about you and will be there for you without having to accommodate them. Lose this girl!!!
Posted by risa1818[/QUOTE]

I totally agree!!!!!!  I'm just so sorry that you have to go through.  I've "lost" a few friends over the years from differing opinons and what not, and it's soooooo hard.  I cried for months over one of the friendships.  But you'll get through it, and you and your FI are going to have an AMAZING wedding day that is all about the two of you, and you'll be surrounded by the people that love you and care for you the most.

mylittlekitty

I agree with everyone else! You shouldn't be in any kind of relationship with a person if they're not giving back what you give to them. It's taken me years to figure this out and it's hard to deal with when you've known that friend for so long. But if you surround yourself with people who make you happy and people who are there for YOU (and not themselves), your life (and your wedding) can be great!

*Sorry about your friend, I hope everything works out for the best!

sparklegirl84

Such a bummer that she's ultimately the one missing out! Sounds like you're a pretty loyal & rad friend. I agree with the PP & especially Risa's ...i love the protective mama bear in you marisa (ive seen it in other posts too)

LesleaB

Ah that really sucks! So sorry! It hurts that you give and give and give and get nothing in return. I mean not that we give hoping to get something but being treated nicely would be a good start. You were so patient with her. You bent for her (and that's not easy when its your wedding you are planning). So you deserve a good vent.

fsujen18

He-he...I LOVE you ladies...I just wish I didn't spend the money on her!    I just went out and got my Elfster something rockin'!  I can't wait for her to get it! 

As for my "friend"...I think you're right...if she isn't there...it's her loss!  I needed this so much...you'd think by the time I'm almost 30 I'd stop being a doormat! 

sld0618

Damn, I feel the same way.  I hate knowing you do/would do all this stuff for people and they don't do it in return.  I know you're not supposed to expect stuff out of people, but I'm sorry, I do expect returned gestured when I need them.  If I go out of my way for a friend and listen to them cry for a hr, I think they should do the same.  It is what it is.  Try to keep your head up, if they're not there for you, then you shouldn't waste your time being hurt by it