Am I crazy? *Long post* Sorry!

pumpkin32311

I am still new to the whole message board thing, but I am going nuts right now and I figured you ladies would have the most experience and probably best advice in dealing with these situations. 

When we first decided on a DW, I knew that most of our friends and family would be unable to come because of cost and distance (we are geographically detached from ALL of our friends and familly by at least 150 miles). I was fully prepared to accept this. Anyway, we figured a DW would be the best route because it would be a vacation that our friends and family would NEVER take on their own, so why not. 

Fast forward, i decided to have a good friend be my MOH, she decided 4 months in that her childhood friend's wedding was more important (no problem) so she picked a fight with my FI and I so that she could bow out and not feel guilty. So I decided my FSIL would be great to take her spot (she had a wedding planning business for 4 years) and it would help us bond a little more. Everything was fine until 2 weeks ago.  

We gave everyone 17 months advanced notice of our wedding date and location so that they could save/set up a payment plan with the coordinator etc. We've discussed details with everyone montly, and immediate family has made their accomodations. We decided to completely pay for my FMIL portion to relieve any stress from other siblings and to make things easier. We also asked that my FSIL and MIL bring our 3 year old home with them while we stayed and honeymooned in Mexico. This was the plan for 8 months. 2 months ago I ask my FSIL to look at what accomodations she and my MIL would like so we could book (at this point we were 9 months out from wedding). She did not get back to me until I pushed 3 weeks later (8 months out). Finally she panicked because the cost of the trip has now skyrocketed because of airfare, etc. 

My point was this should have been taken care of a LONG time ago. She is complaining to my FI (wont even speak with me AT ALL) that she is not going to be able afford it, might not be able to come, etc. This is supposed to be my MOH/SIL! If she didnt come our cost to bring mom would double because of single occupancy at an all inclusive. So we have been hashing it out for 2 weeks now. And she comes to me and says that she wants us to pay $700 more out of pocket for MIL because the arrangements she has in mind are more convenient for her and work better with her budget. These new plans also do not include keeping our 3 year old during our honeymoon. This now means we have to change our reservations from the adults only to a family friendly property so we can keep our girl with us for the entire trip. 

We are already out of pocket an extra $850 because of her dragging her heels and now its going to be an exra $700 on top so it will be more convenient for HER! Also, I now have to eat the cost of her dress, so another $150-$300, just to keep my wedding party together. I know its not all about money, but those additions account for almost 20% of our total wedding budget! Am I crazy?! This is absolutely insane and I am now at the dilemma of dealing with it just to keep the peace even though it is supposed to our wedding and an event about us, not her. Not to mention that because of her lack of interest in being proactive on actually going to the wedding, Im thinking there will be no bridal shower/bachelorette/any sort of celebration usually taken on by the MOH. 

It is hurtful and not the first time that her convenience has overshadowed our life event, but Im not sure I can let it go. I do have other BM's, but they are all scattered and she is the closest. Im not sure what to do, or if Im wrong by being SOO incredibly angry at the situation. I never wanted to be the crazy "me me me" bride, but I feel like I'm being jipped out of MY wedding. Any advice?

Erinkathleen84

I understand why you are upset, it is always disappointing when important people cannot go. But it kind of goes with having a DW... Maybe your FI could talk to them about the situation ? I feel like she needs to know how it is going to effect you guys.

BMcLeodTeam

I do completely understand you being frustrated, but just a couple things to keep in mind - as you MOH and Bridesmaids they only have to show up in a dress the day of, sober and coherent - anything leading up to the wedding that they do is voluntary. What I mean by this is that, for example, try not to worry yourself about showers/bachlorette parties/etc as they actually don't HAVE to throw you one, they can choose to if they wish. Many brides don't have these, they are just an extra, not worth stressing about. Also, and I may be wrong, but based on what you wrote you seem stressed about needing a MOH for more than just being there that day, just the fact that you added the fact she had a wedding planning business. She doesn't actually have to do anything leading up to it, so if she can't/doesn't, try not to stress about it and work with your FI to do the planning.

The financial side definitely sucks and I would be stressed about that too. I hope that you're able to work something out that's the least additional cost to you and your FI as possible!

jtoly

Sorry about all this. Maybe have your FI talk to his sited about her change in plans and how it affects your plans (resort, honeymoon). Is she supposed to take your dtr or his mom? Can you talk to you FMIL about that? Is there someone in your family that can take your daughter instead so you don have to change plans?

jacquiroxx

Can his mom take your daughter??  I feel like that would be the most annoying part to me: the fact that she agreed to take her and is now backing out.

I agree with talking to your FI to see if he can sit down with his mom & sister to see if he can explain how the situation is affecting you guys.  She's the one who decided to wait to book- you guys shouldn't have to pay for her procrastination.  Maybe you can come up with something that works for everyone.

Is there anyone else who's planning to come to the wedding who would be taking a single room?  Ask others on your guest list- there might be someone who's traveling alone who might want to stay with your FMIL.

nicolej518

Not sure what resort you're at, but I would double check with the cost for a single person in the room. I assumed that having only one adult in the room would still cost the same as two adults because the room had to be paid for regardless. I asked my TA and when the quotes came back I was surprised. Although not directly half, the room was about $400 cheaper (for example One room type for 2 adults would have been $1216 for one week, but the same room with just 1 adult is only coming in at $792). 

My thoughts are this: If she really wants to be there/if you and/or her brother are that important to her, she will find a way to make it work. It is not your fault she waited this long, and you should not have to pay anything above what was agreed upon 17 months ago! Obviously airfare wasn't released that long ago, but I was all over my air prices the day they would be released looking for the best prices. What does FI say about all of this since she made him the middle man?

pumpkin32311

I knew going into it that certain things were voluntary like showers and bachelorette so I didn't expect them so to say. When I did ask her we talked a few times about the ideas she had for each and for things that she and her mom wanted to take care of since my mom is/has been nonexistent for years. So if it weren't for that preface I probably would let that go. The other unfortunate thing is mom and sister share the same brain (not to be rude, but in all seriousness.) one will absolutely not do anything without the other. And this sort of thing did happen before when we had our daughter ( regarding her actual birth and homecoming). At that point I chalked it up to me still being kind of an outsider to them so they wouldn't feel compelled to go out of their way for me. And they play FI's feelings because he ALWAYS has to be the mediator for them. That alone combats any defense for me utilizing him. All of our family is so spread out so only a small group, say 15, will be going and none are geographically close to accommodate little princess for our HM. I expected compromises during planning, I guess I feel like I have 0 room for negotiation.