Parents' contributing to the wedding costs

loanbpham

Ok, So FI and I have been very stern about paying for the wedding ourselves. My parents refuse to have this happen and want to pay for half. I seriously, tried to talk them out of it several times but they will not listen. I guess from their prospective, they want do do this for their only daughter. My parents have also let us know that when we buy a house, they will let us borrow money for a down payment. My parents are not rich. My dad has been working in a factory for over 40 years and my mom works in a nursing home. I am so grateful that they are willing to give us so much. Anyhoo....i have yet to year anything from my FMIL's side. Nothing..nada. We didn't get an engagement card..dinner...gift..not even a friggen potted plant.  All I got was "welcome to the family" and which was during Easter..which was the only greeting I got. Sure like I said, we wanted to pay for the wedding and I am so appreciative that my parents are doing so much....I am just irked that his side is doing squat.  Is it normal for the groom's side to not do anything?

cromero49

I don't think there is a normal anymore.  It does suck though that they seem so uncaring, buy they still could offer to help later, you never know.  I'm lucky in that both sets of parents are helping us out with our wedding, but I do know that neither set of parents is under any sort of obligation to be helping out.  It would be nice if his parents could go the traditional route and maybe at least host the rehearsal dinner, but again it's really up to each set of parents to decide if they want to help out at all.Hopefully they'll realize that there are more ways to support you than giving money!  Everybody needs some moral support when planning a wedding .

Beezo23

Sorry to hear that you didn't get a warmer welcome.  But in regards to the money, neither of our parents "offered" to help pay.  My sister had set some ground, so we sort of followed in her footsteps.  We asked both sides of parents for a certain amount, and if they could help, we would appreciate it.  We didn't ask FI's mother because we know she can't contribute since she lives off disability.  For my mom, who is a widow, she wanted to give the same amount she gave my sister.  Times have changed since my sister got married and we only took some of the money that she wanted to give us.  My dad/stepmom and FI's dad were able to help.It's hard to ask for money, but if you phrase it in a way that is considerate of their feelings, I would think you would be okay.  I don't like asking my father for money, but I had to just do it, if we wanted support.GL!

nilaniluv

I actually read this same situation on the other boards two or three times its the same thing the brides side is willing to pay and FI's said absolutely nothing, so you are not alone. Also it is old tradition that the brides side pays for everything but now it seems soo dated due to the cost of a wedding nowadays maybe they still believe in that theory? My parents are willing to contribute as well but I know that FI's parents are very tight with their money and did not agree to give any to his half sister when she got married so they did everything themselves. They were actually offended that she asked for 10,000. We haven't asked them to pay anything. Her wedding was beautiful and it's not that FI's parents don't want to contribute I just know that its a hardship for them as they are pulling money out of their retirement to pay for FI's student loans. FI and I recently decided to hold off a a couple years before the wedding so we can save up our own money and pay for it ourselves and not put ourselves or anyone else in debt. (Now I am searching the most cost effective ways to have a wedding) I did not get an engagement card or anything from them either but I was never expecting anything since they are kind of old school and foreign like my family. I personally think you should appreciate your parents offer, if you can pull off a wedding without their contribution then do it yourselves and accept their offer to help you buy your first home together because a wedding is one day and a home investment can be an investment for a lifetime. This can by far be the greatest gift that they can give to their only daughter. Sorry it was long but I guess I am in the same boat

loanbpham

Thanks for the responses everyone.I included his half sister as a BM which is FMIL's real daughter as a nice gesture. I am not close with her nor speak with her...but I did this because it was the right thing to do since the mom is close with her and FI was too.Part of it isn't even about the money. If she called me or maybe used my FI as the medium and asked if we needed sort of assistance....that would have made a world of a difference. And yes, I am still bitter about FMIL's lack of a welcome. Even though it's not a great thing to have in common, I am glad that I am not alone.

DNichole26

My FI and I are paying for what we can for our wedding and my parents are picking up the rest.  With FI's parents, we have only asked if they would be able to pick up the rehearsal dinner costs - 4 months later and 2 months away from the big day we still don't have an answer.  We didn't get much of anything from them as well and on the other side my parents have been SOOO generous to us.  I know FI's fam supports our relationship and is looking forward to the wedding but I can relate a bit to your frustrations. 

BreeZ1299

Hey Loan,   I am in the identical situation! My parents are very giving and generous. My future in laws have not/will not offer any money to us. In my opinion this is fine...because I would never want it to come back to us in the future.  It took a while for me to get to this place (since FIL's were willing to give to FSIL a month before we got engaged...FSIL is no longer getting married).  But again, I'd rather not accept any money from them, even if they offered at this point.

jackelbride

I haven't heard ANYTHING from FI's family. They aren't helping with anything and have only mentioned the wedding twice in the last 14 months we've been engaged!Oddly enough, FI's mom is mexican and in the mexican culture the grooms family pays for the wedding! So there is no excuse there. But it's no sweat of my back, they can feel like "just guests" at their son's wedding.

BreeZ1299

I'm mexican and have never heard that the groom's family is supposed to pay for the wedding...never.

loanbpham

Wow...it is so sad the brides are getting the shaft from their FILsCan't say I didn't see it coming though. A few xmas's ago, i gave his half sister some cool bath stuff, nothing big. She wasn't there so his mom gave it to her. I didn't even get a friggen phone call to say thanks.I am so grateful my parents raised me right and I am so thankful that behavior did not rub off on FI.

Jen_503

Part of me gets really annoyed when I hear rants about parents not contributing.  Why do people still expect money from the parents?This is your wedding, and it's no one's responsibility to pay except yours. If they offer, then great. But it's not expected. Tradition went out the window a long time ago.(On the other hand, and I know this wasn't an issue you raised, you don't have to invite their guests either).  We are paying 100% (i think) for ours.  FPIL offered to give us some money, but that was 9 months ago and so far all we've received is $100.  We'll take what we can get happily, but I'm not about to run over and ask her if she plans on giving more... 

jackelbride

That's weird that you've never heard of the grooms family paying! Maybe his family is from the same part of mexico as yours! LMAO!

loanbpham

Jen,Thanks for you response. Like I said, in the end...it's not about the money. It's the the lack of offering to help...whether it be help out with flowers or invites, centerpiece..etc...anything. Your situation is different. You FPIL offered.....yes offered. We got zip.... nil....nada of a gesture to help out.  Heck, our engagement/wedding was brought up that one time for a minute during Easter, which was right after he proposed and the rest of the time the FIL talked about the Red Sox and Patriots.

jackelbride

JEN - I told FI not to ask his parents about contributing but we should never ask for hand outs, but he did once after he saw the bill my parents are footing and thought it was unfair considering that his mom alone makes more money than my parents do together. That's his thing.The not contributing isn't just monetary, she has ZERO interest so it also runs into other areas of their lives like how she's was and is never around but still complains that he never calls her on the rare occasion we do see her! I know he stops by her house and she's never home... or how she complains that he doesn't call, step-dad lectures him about it, then he calls his mom and she says "let me call you back!"... um hours go by, no call... I ask the next day "Did your mom ever call back?" Nope.She's just nuts! Some parents can not afford to help out but I feel like the awesome parents out there are going to say "look at my kid, all grown up... let's help them have an awesome party to kick start the life they're trying to make for themselves!"

Lindze75

I agree that it's no one's responsibility but your own to pay for your wedding AND that you have to have the wedding you can afford.  That being said I also think it's very customary for parents to help (especially for younger couples).  My parents are giving us a flat amount of $ which is what they did with my sister as well.  Unfortunately every year things get more expensive so it will pay for a bit less but we are soooo appreciative.  It will cover the reception venue and catering which is about 1/2 the cost of the wedding.  We are being budget conscious and trying to keep it to $20,000 not including Honeymoon.My FILs paid over $50,000 for his sisters first wedding which ended in less than a year.  My FILs have since divorced and his FMIL doesn't have much $ to contribute (doesn't work and had to bail sister out of debt several times, long story!) and my FFIL isn't the type to offer.  Even for dinner or anything, if we don't front cash he will pay but he never offers up money.  To complicate things he married "the other woman" and we are asking that she not be at the wedding so we feel like we can't ask for $ if his new family isn't invited.  FMIL has told FI to ask for the Rehearsal dinner paid but FI feels wierd doing it so we're not counting on anything from them.  I feel like it is so unfair from what they did for his sister but it's not my place to say and FI doesn't think it needs to be fair...so I know how it goes!

nilaniluv

Loan- Now I understand its not about the money completely. It's basically showing they care that its happening or even offering to help make things happen. Maybe you can see if they have any interests or good at things like baking or crafts? FI's mom is wonderful at DIY crafts and she offered to help me with building the alter piece which I have yet to figure out and that seems like a huge task in itself which I am grateful for. My parents as well as FI's mom are very crafty and I know they will pitch in to help with my DIY projects. My mom already agreed to make the favors as well as help with the bouquets as she did her own back in the day. But thats basically all I want them to help me with I can handle the rest. I also agree that parents these days shouldn't be expected to contribute anything or go into debt over it (which I have seen many times) A friend of mine's parents pulled out a loan to pay for her sons wedding!!! If you guys can pull it off yourself then go for it.

jackelbride

I also agree that no one should go into debt and the bride/groom shouldn't depend on family money unless it's promised and paid for.But really my feelings would be hurt if no one showed interest or offered to help in ANY way... even crafts... or even acknowledging that we're getting married! HELLO!?!?!?!

loanbpham

I second it that weddings are not worth it to go into debt.....hence, my DIY projects like the centerpieces and the floral arrangements.  Maybe i'll give her a few tasks to do when she and her new husband fly out for the wedding. Still, it would have been nice if she offered to help.I do want to say that FI's step grandmother is the sweetest. When we went to her Easter gathering the day after we saw his mom, she gave me an engagement card and both of us some dinner ware. It is the the thought that counts. I started crying because it felt good that someone from his side of the family gave a damn. 

anglyn

Aaron's family paid for the rehearsal dinner and that was it. We didnt even know they were doing that until it came down to book the dinner location.My family paid for squat - except for my sister who bought my dress. We paid for it all with the few exceptions.

anglyn

Oh, my aunt bought some stuff - like the tulle for the site and the flowers for the reception - we had thought we were paying them back but they wouldn't let us. So thats something else my family paid for - which was very generous

hmschults

My cousins are mexican and never heard of the grooms family paying..in fact when my girl cousin married her husband whose family moved here directly from mexico, his family didn't pay a dime....I think I would be more hurt by the lack of interest then the money..have you tried to include his family at all in the planning

BreeZ1299

I think all those "traditions" of how paid what is a crock.  I dont know one person who has actually had a wedding paid for by the "designated people"