Is this wrong of me?

kendra_lyn06

So, Long story short... I dont have a good relationship with my step mom. We have had problems since I was two years old. Her behavior towards me has put a huge dent in my relationship with my father. In fact I havent been allowed to see my father or little brother in 3+ years. I am getting married this fall, actually in 5 weeks, and I am undecided about what to do as far as the wedding. I have tried to call my dad and meet up with him, but he will not because of what my step mother would do. He has never even met my fiance or seen the house that we bought together. My dad asked me to write a letter to my step mom to in order to squash any problems we had. I didnt want to, but I did anyways because I wanted my dad at my wedding and to walk me down the aisle. My step mom was not happy with the letter because it wasnt personal enough for her. She started calling me for weeks leaving me very upsetting voicemails and sending me mean text messages while I was at work. My problem is I REALLY want my dad at my wedding, but I know deep down that he wont come without her and I also know that she would cause a HUGE scene if she were to come. Is it wrong for me to tell my dad that she is not invited to the wedding?

jennbuen16

If it were me, I know I would not be satisfied until I knew I had tried every possible way to get my father to understand how important it was for him to be at my wedding. You have already taken a huge step in writing HER a letter like he asked. I think you should write one to him, too. Pour your heart out. It's often easier to write feelings down as opposed to saying them aloud. Also, seeing it in writing really changes how something can be interpreted. Hopefully, it will break his heart to know he is going to miss your special day and he will step up and be there for you, in spite of what SHE might say. Follow up your letter with a call, or show up in person. Force him to see you and how much your heart will break if he isn't there! Don't take no for an answer. You don't want to think later: I could have tried harder. I wish you much luck and I really hope he can be the dad you need him to be!

myoctwedding09

I feel for you but no wedding will be complete without a happy dad and bride.  I don't know the details but don't assume that your stepmom would cause a big scene..although she might.Do everything you can do to repair the relationship and your dad will pull through for both your step mom and you.  He should really help bringing you two together so that he doesn't have to be in the middle of it all.  You should invite her...unless she refuses!...then it's not worth it...it's your day!  your dad should be there for you no matter what!

jasmine0108

Best of luck. I hope your Dad can understand this is important to you, even if that means him making a sacrifice with his wife. She will eventually get over it, if not then who cares! You will never get married again! well at least thats the plan right!? :)Good Luck!

alexis_glines

I didn't invite my step-mother because I just plain don't like her.  Your situation sounds alot like mine but....I didn't really know if I wanted my dad at the wedding because he hasn't been there for me (sounds like your dad too).  I knew for sure I didn't want him walking me down the aisle.  I sent him a save the date (not addressed to her and also made sure he knew that she wasn't invited last year when I informed him I was getting married).  I have left several messages for him asking if he'll be there (invites out today).  I still haven't heard back from him.  Soooo.... whatever.  That's something he'll have to live with - not me.I know it hurts but he's an adult and it's up to him to decide whether he'll come without her.  I don't think it's wrong at all not to invite her.  Sounds like a bigger pain in the butt than mine is.   

alexis_glines

As far as the other girls' post, I'd have to disagree.  It's not up to you to make the relationship with her better.  You've already tried. 

anglyn

Honestly - He probably won't come if you don't invite his wife. I think you need to try to work things out with his wife. I think that it needs to be a two way street. She needs to be making an effort as well. She obviously is making it worse. Try to write her another letter and hope it works.

kpstowell

This woman sounds crazy....leaving upsetting voice mails and sending mean text messages? This sounds like something a 16 year old girl would do, not a grown, married step mother. And, you "haven't been allowed to see" father and brother? Why not? I can't imagine a woman trying to keep a father and brother away from their daughter/sister. I don't know what the problem is, but it sounds like you Dad needs to step up! You tried to be the bigger person, but she is too immature to handle this like an adult. I think you need to have a serious talk or write a serious letter to your Dad. He needs to be the one to put her in her place.

sm23

Obviously, we don't know the whole story, but based on what you wrote, your step mom sounds like she's got a major beef with you, wants to make you squirm, and is pretty controlling of your dad.I think the PP's idea of writing your dad a letter is a very good one. I would tell him that you are sad you and your step-mom don't have a good relationship, but you did what was asked and wrote her a letter, and it wasn't good enough. It seems that she is set on not having a good relationship with you. Tell him that he is still your dad, you love him and want him to be there on your wedding day. Ask him (and her) to please put the past behind them and come to the wedding.Be prepared that she may be b!tchy and/or cause drama. DO NOT expect your father to come if you don't invite his wife. You will not win that battle - nor should you put him in the middle like that. Think of yourself and your FI - if you were in a squabble with someone and they invited him to an event but not you, and he went without you, how would that make you feel? In any case, they both need to be invited IMO; maybe you'll get lucky and she'll let him go without her... but I kind of doubt it.This is a crappy situation and I imagine the solution will not be perfect. But I hope you come to some kind of agreement everybody can live with. Good luck.

niffycat

This sounds really familiar... I have never had a good relationship with my step monster. Since she came into our lives 9 years ago she has successfully destroyed the relationship I had with my father, and everytime I attempt to reconnect she undermines my efforts. Whether she is included in the effort or not.She also walked out on my step brothers (her sons) wedding after causing a scene. We were understandably reticent about inviting her to the wedding, assuming that she would cause a huge scene. Well, we invited her and my father, and suprisingly she said not a word to me the entire day. She did not make a scene, and made no effort to "ruin" my day. She did, however, spend the entire day with a completely bitter and unhappy expression on her face and sent me several "I wish you would drop dead right now" looks.Ultimately? It was worth it to be able to have my dad see me get maried. (We also have some pretty humorous photos of her glowering in the background. Apparently at one point our photog found it so humorous he followed her around taking shots of her glowering at various people)

Aimee8314

I'm laughing at the last comment about how the photographer took photos of her.  that's great. I agree with the PPs who said that you should write your father a letter.  And I also agree that you have to either take them both or take neither.  I don't think it's a good idea to invite someone without their wife/husband.  It's just in poor taste, in my opinion.  I hope that you get a good response from your father, but in case you don't - know that you did what you could.  And sometimes people just suck, no matter how much you wish they didn't.

carefer

Sorry if I'm being too honest here, but your dad needs to grow a pair. He suggested you write a letter to his wife so that she will let him come to your wedding? Wow. You've done what you could do as far as she is concerned. Maybe write him a letter like the pp's have said letting him know how important it is to you that he is there. Other than that, there's probably not anything you can do.