FMIL Drama! (venting)

MustangSally67

Hi Ladies, so I really don't know how to deal with this situation. FI & I have had a very strained relationship with my FILs since about January when we bought our house & started living ("in sin"!) together without being married. I thought things would improve now that we're engaged but low and behold FMIL has barely eeked out a small "congrats" to the two of us, heaven forbid being happy for us. So in a moment of weakness I let her know we had set a date, thinking maybe this would help improve relations (wrong again!). Instead, her response was "that's awful!" (gee thanks) because they have plans to be out of town that weekend. So I've spent a week stewing over this and kinda feeling bad and wondering if we should move our date, until she tells us today (in an email) that they have plans every weekend from early July to late August. She just "needed us to know". I dont even know how to respond to this...now I'm just mad, bec ANY of the dates we were considering would obviously not be convenient for them. Not to mention, that obviously these other travel plans are so much more important than her only son's wedding day! I feel like I have to say something to her (after I calm down).I think its really sad, we had an ok relationship with them for the 6 1/2 years we were together right up until we bought our house together. Now I feel like this is a huge slap in the face, and don't really know how we'll recover the relationship from here. Ok. rant over. any advice?

BrennaGwyn

That's such a tough one and you have every right to be mad at them! I know where you are coming from because my FI is not even on speaking terms with his parents and so won't be attending our wedding. Needless to say, we didn't even send them an invite. I think I would have your FI ask them straight out if the reason they are "busy" is because they don't want to be at your wedding. I would definitely have your FI handle it though and maybe you talk to her once things are more settled. If it turns out that there is no settling things then I would just proceed with your wedding as you want it to be and they can either share in your joy or not. There's nothing anybody can say to really recoup the relationship without an apology from her, but I wouldn't hold out for one! And it's not unusual for parents to have "issues" when wedding bells start to ring. I know that doesn't help you being upset, but it is pretty common.

Aimee8314

I agree with the PP.  I would let your fiance handle it.  Perhaps one way to go would be for him to sit down with his parents and tell them that you'd both like for them to attend the wedding - and ask them if the real reason they are "busy" is because they don't want to attend.  If that's the case, then I would proceed with the time frame you want.  I think if they respond well and say that it's just a really hectic time for them - you might consider changing your date.  HOWEVER,  know that if you change the date and they still are a no show - you have to accept it....you don't want to be angry on your wedding day.  But definitely sic your FI on them first. 

sm23

That's a tough situation and I'm sorry you have to deal with it.Honestly, it sounds to me like no matter what you guys do or when you have our wedding, they will act snotty about it because they aren't really happy about the marriage/house/whatever as a whole. So I'm not sure I would go out of my way to accommodate people like that. It seems that nothing will really make them happy.I think it's pretty unreasonable for them to say that they are unavailable for two whole months, and that they can't possibly change any of those plans with the nine months of notice you're giving them.If it were me, I wouldn't respond to that email -- in this kind of situation, your FI should be the one doing the communicating with his parents.I think you and your FI should sit down and decide a couple of things. 1) What date works best for you guys and the venue you're interested in. 2) How far are you willing to go, how much are you willing to sacrifice in terms of the date and venue, to accomodate them? This is more of a question for your FI. If this were my FI's family, I'd be pissed and say "screw them, if they really want to be there, they'll find a way, considering we're giving them 9 months notice." But he may feel differently - it's his family and I can understand if he'll want to move the date so they can be there.

jackelbride

It's up to you and your FI to decide how important their input is. You might cater to them and they still not show up or you may just blow off her forewarning of being busy and them join in late in the game.My friends mother didn't want anything to do with her or her wedding until a few weeks before the wedding when she joined in, paid their final bills, and was actually happy for her daughter.Another friends parents didn't even go to her wedding after she moved the date for them.Parents aren't always awesome human beings... don't let it bring you down.If I were you I would just move forward with the plans that you and your FI really want and not include them in the planning. If they decide to play nice then that's awesome. If they think it's not important than they have to live with missing their only son's wedding over something stupid. Their problem with you is exactly that THEIR problem.

MustangSally67

Thanks ladies...FI is going to talk to them, but he is completley against moving our date. I never anticipated weddings made even the parents into crazy people!

Equine Osmosis

That is just awful! And I can sympathize because I'm going through the same thing with my parents. They were fine with my bf until we got engaged. We moved our date once already because of all the family drama but now our date is 4 months away (I'm not moving it again!!) and we're hardly even speaking. A friend of mine told me that I needed to have a sit down talk with just the two of them and I. She suggested that I tell them that I really want them both there on my big day, but if they can't be there in the spirit of love and support for *both* of us (not just me) then it would be better for them not to attend. I thought that was great advice because at this point I don't even know if my dad will walk me down the aisle, but I've been imagining how strange and awkward it would be for him to be there in the pews while I walk alone down the aisle. And then what about at the reception?! Do I have a father-daughter dance...?? My friend's point was that it shouldn't be a day of awkwardness or stress for me so by sitting down with them soon, I will know what's coming and what to plan for. Plus, then it will be a huge weight off my shoulders and I will have done everything I could have about the situation. At that point, it's on them and if they decide not to come, it's their choice and they look bad rather than me looking like a spoiled brat for not inviting my parents to my wedding. (Everyone has their own situation. I just know, with my family, that's how I would be perceived if I didn't invite them.) I say, definitely let your FI talk to them alone (at least at first) and don't move your wedding just because they think they'll be busy. Now if they already have plane tickets for out of the country travel, that may be a different story, but other than that, they'll be there if they really want to regardless of what other "plans" they have. IMO it sounds like a bad blind date- "Um, I have this 'thing' and it goes until the end of the summer. I'll let you know when it's done" lol! Good Luck!