Need Advice re. Walking Down the Aisle

StacyAndGreg

Hi, everyone.

I need some advice with a sticky personal situation. I've always thought that both my parents would walk me down the aisle. My father has been very abusive and controlling to my mother, sisters, and me. I know this sounds overdramatic and cliche, but he really does view us, at worst, as his property and, at best, as his trophies. So, the idea of walking down the aisle alone with him makes me feel incredibly sad. However, I do want to show him and my mother love and appreciation on my wedding day, so I felt like having both my parents walk me down the aisle would both honor them and make me more comfortable.

However, my wedding gown is quite poofy. Plus, I never realized how narrow the aisle at our church is. My mother, my fiance, and I took a little practice walk down the aisle a few weeks ago and, even without the poofy dress, it was quite clumsy. My fiance kept hitting his knee on the pews on his side. Realistically, walking three across is not going to work.

I really don't kow what to do. I've pitched several options to my parents:

-They could walk right behind me. This could symbolize that they're behind me every step of the way and they could also then have the honor of "giving me away."

-They could procede down the aisle in front of me and wait at the altar with the pastor, my fiance, and our attendants. This way, they would be able to see my joy as I walked down the aisle and still have the honor of "giving me away." (This is my favorite option.)

-I've even considered not wearing the somewhat poofy crinoline that I bought to go under the skirt of my dress. My dress would still be a ballgown shape, but not quite so poofy. However, I've already had my first two fittings with the crinoline. I could have the seamstress redo the dress, but would this really help much? We found it clunky to walk down the aisle in jeans.

My father hates both options. My mother is pressuring me to just let Dad have his way and walk me down the aisle by himself. This makes me so uncomfortable. (I'm not using the words "abusive" and "controlling" lightly here.) As far as I'm concerned, him walking me alone is NOT an option. Period.

Does anyone have any ideas for me? I'm so upset about this, I've been sick to my stomach the past few days. I've cried about it. I've been angry. But I just don't see a solution.

I just wish my Dad could find his joy on my wedding day from knowing that I'm happy and in love and not from showing me off like something he's accomplished (when everyone tells me I've succeeded in life despite him, not because of him). And I wish my mother would stop trying to appease him and "keep him happy" and stand up for me.

Okay, sorry for the novel. But really any advice on configurations and set-ups that might work as we walk down the aisle would be much appreciated.

Thank you,
Stacy

licibee

Stacy,

I have a very similar family situation to yours, and I know how it can make even simple things in the planning process more difficult.  My sister got married on my Dad's birthday and didn't even invite him!! 

I'm too sentimental for that so, despite how I feel about him, he and my mom will both be walking me down.  Fortunately, we are setting up chairs, so the aisle can be as big as I want.

For you venue, what if you had your mom walk you for the first part, and then meet your dad half-way and mom follows behind (?) That way each of them would get a moment in the spotlight with you, and they would both arrive at the front together to "give you away".  Do you think your Dad would be okay with that?

For myself, my dad HATED that I wanted to walk with both of them.  I put my foot down and told him that the day wasn't about what he wants, and if he felt uncomfortable I would understand if he chose not to walk with me... mom was non-negotiable in my book!!  In the end he realized that I wouldn't budge, and he put on his big-boy pants and is dealing with it.
 
I can completely empathize with what you are going through!!  Please remember that this is your day, and you should be able to ask for what you want.  I know it's cliche, but the people who mind don't matter and the people who matter don't mind!!

I'm not sure how long you've been on TK, but there is such an overwhelming amount of support available here, so keep posting whether you just need to vent or you need advice 

Cgidds

Personally, I think your favorite option is best. It eliminates the pressure of having to be with him alone. And it prevents any other fighting about the way everyone is positioned and stands. Do what feels comfortable because this is your day and you need as much of that stress and sadness away as possible.

Aimee8314

I think any of the options would work - and that you should do whatever you are most comfortable with.  That's what's important.  I hope that once the day arrives that your dad will simmer down and realize what the wedding is all about - and he'll put aside his needs for one day (doesn't sound like that's his style, but I hope it happens for your sake). 

lthom17

I'd just walk down the aisle by myself and have your parents seated at the beginning, so people can see them that way.

I assume you're not doing a father-daughter dance, so why worry about your dad walking you down the aisle? 

leolyns

I walked down with my husband on our wedding day. We did a first peek w/the photographer, which helped both of us relax and entered in after our wedding party walked down the aisle. you do what you want to do re: your dad walking you down or not and stick to your decision (whatever that may be) and don't let others influence you to sway otherwise.

Tanq&Tonic

Make of it what you want, and don't give in to any expectation that someone gets the honor of walking  you down the aisle without having earned that right in real life.  That's the wonderful thing about growing up -- you get to make the decision to do what you want and not simply give in to tradition.   You really should not be crying over this -- if there's ever a time to assert your independence as a grown woman, this is it.  Your favorite option sounds like a good compromise. 

Equine Osmosis

Go with the option YOU want!  Put your foot down!  It's a 2 minute (or less) ordeal anyway and your father will be forced to A) Do what you want or not participate (and if he chooses not to participate then *he* looks childish) and See that you are an independent woman and he doesn't have any control over you anymore- especially not on your wedding day!

Your mom (no matter how much you wish it) won't support you over him because at the end of the day she has to go home with him and take his abuse for not supporting him.  Things are easier for her if she shows that she supports *her* husband.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but this is a concept I've had to accept myself over the past year.  Btw- I'm walking down the aisle myself.