Anyone else ready to cry?

Poppy101212

This is my first real post, other than a few responses and checks... I'm a shy clam and VERY afraid of being ripped apart (again after asking an Etiquette question), but you ladies all see so nice, and I am at my witts end, feeling rather alone and with no one to talk to.

Origionally FI and I were going to get married in Cuba, invite family and close friends, thouse who could join us, great, and for those who could not we were going to have a small afternoon reception back home. Well this idea was quickly shot down by both our families, so we made other arrangements.

We wanted to get married anywhere but a church, then families had a kanipshon fit, and again we changed our plans.

At this point I would like to point out that it is FI and myself that are paying for the wedding.
 
I thought that wedding planning would be a blast! In reality it really isn't. I'm not sure that I have really had one moment that I enjoy. I have had a few that I though were nice/productive, but when I share my excitement with anyone (BMs, parents, future in-laws) they all seem to have an oppinion on how what I am doing is wrong and how I should be doing it *this* way.

I am aware that a wedding is not really about the bride and grrrm, but more about two families coming together. I am not one of those that think it's MY day, and that everything should be MY way.... but does someone really need to fight with me about everything? I do quite literally mean everything. Someone has fought with me about: the dress, flowers, desserts, dinner selection, venue, BM dresses, colours, the song I want to walk down the aisle to, the song I woudl like to dance with my father to, guest favours.... everything!

The latest one is that FMIL insists that we put the word 'presentation' (which means money instead of gifts... I am learning that this may be a geographical term) on our invites. I feel that this is tacky and rude, and really am quite against it. On top of that my family has very little money and I in no way want them to feel about about not being able to give. I explained this to FI who stood beside me, and then explained to to FMIL who accepted it at the time, but is now insisting again, that it be on the invite. I told FI no again, and then FMIL got FFIL to call and tell us that we NEED to put this on the invite. I've talked to several people who say it is not necessary, but she will not give it up. She went as far as to pull out her own wedding invitations, and several others from the last 30 years and make a list of who's invitation said presentation on it.

I am just so over this. When I try and do anything that is wedding related I want to curl into a ball and sob, this feels like it is so much more stress than it's worth.

Is anyone else in the same position, or have any words of wisdom?

I really needed to get that all out.

Thanks ladies.

aimee58

Oh my....it sounds like your FMIL is tough to deal with. My FMIL can get pretty persistant. I think it's important that you make your stance known, but if she's keeps pushing, make sure that your FI puts his mom in her place.

I also think you need to tell them that it's your wedding, and you and your FI will do what you think is appropriate. I have to remind my family and FILs often that it's OUR wedding, not THEIRS. Maybe it would hlep to sit down with everyone and tell them exactly what you envision and how everything will piece together.

Also, if you are paying for it, remind them of that. They don't really get a big say unless they're going to put some money towards it. They can't tell you what to do with your money.

I hope this helps....I know it's kind of everywhere.

brainybrunette

First of all, I'm so sorry that wedding planning has been so stressful for you.  It sounds like your wedding is turning out to be nothing like how you invisioned it to be : (

I think it's time your you and your FI to stop trying to please others.  Clearly no one is happy with whatever you propose to do, so I'd say to just do your own thing at this point.  I'd tell your family and friends that you and your FI have decided on doing x, y, and z because it is your wedding and that's what your wishes are.  Everyone is entitled to have the wedding that they want, not the wedding that someone wants for them.  When your FMIL, friends, etc got/get married, then they get to decide what kind of wedding, music, flowers, etc they would like.  It sounds like no matter what you do, someone is not going to be happy.  I guess I'd rather be not be the one who's not happy LOL!  

As far as the "presentation" thing....I've NEVER heard of that.  If it means that you are asking for money, I think that is extremely tacky.  I'd tell your FMIL that a lot has changed in 30 years, and that's simply not the way things are done anymore.  Also, is she the one hosting your shower?  If not, then I don't really think she gets a say in what goes on the invitation.

achiduck

Yikes, what a mess! Since you and your FI are paying, you two get to make the decisions. I think you should sit your family down and let them know how much stress this is all causing you. Wedding planning is supposed to be fun!

If that doesn't work, then just stop telling them things. If they don't know about stuff, they can't complain/change it, etc.

cbear215

I'm so sorry this has been so stressful for you!!  I would second what achiduck said and stop sharing wedding details with family/friends.

Cathryn4

i totally agree with the PP Don't tell them your decisions. Just sit down with ur FI and make all the plans then later you can tell others. If FMIL is so insistant about the invitations tell her they have already been purchashed and thank her for her input.  You might need to be blunt and tell her she needs to butt out. It sounds like they are all trying to control your wedding!!!!!!! I agree that weddings are about families coming together, but that does not mean you and your FI should get lost in the process. My best advice if for you to make all ur decisions solely with you and your  FI. Wedding planning is stressful enough you poor thing! You will get a lot of support on these boards! we are always here if you need to vent!

minionlover

I am not in the exact same position as you are but I am not having a great time planning my wedding right now because of some issues with my family.  Since we are supposed to be getting married at their home in FL, I have put booking things on hold to see how thing pan out. 

That being said, I think that you shold stop talking about the wedding plans with people.  I know that its hard but it will stop them from putting in their opinions.  When they do put out their opinions, simply say thanks.

ktelizabeth86

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_october-2012-weddings_anyone-else-ready-to-cry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:56b9bcef-1e34-456e-81f5-cfaa107456b2Discussion:769bb894-132e-4957-b31a-e9a474873465Post:10ac2424-2d76-48aa-8d0c-dc049fd9363a">Anyone else ready to cry?</a>:
[QUOTE] I am not one of those that think it's MY day, and that everything should be MY way.... but does someone really need to fight with me about everything? Posted by Poppy101212[/QUOTE]

Maybe it's not YOUR day, but it is you and FIs day. I think you need to do what makes you both happy. If you try too hard to please both your families . . . well you might not ever be able to do that. Your parents and his parents already had their day. It's your turn now.

Also, you aren't totally alone. Sometimes I like wedding planning and sometimes I wish we were just married already and this was over. I remember getting the estimate from the caterer and sitting at the computer and crying.

In the end it will be worth it . . . just keep telling yourself that.   :)

I hope things get better.

trawas01

You've gotten alot of great advice already...

I'd just like to say it is yours and your FI's day! Your obviously being considerate of family, now be sure to also make youselves happy

And for the record, wedding planning isn't all I thought it would be either. Sometimes its just a lot of stress, tension and drama. I'd say that's fairly normal.

steveandta

Im sorry your wedding plans are not turning out the way you planned. Remember it comes down to what you and your FH want. Its a day to celebrate your marriage. Wait your your FMIL birthday to make her happy.

I wanted to have a beach wedding, but because of my FMIL health my fiancee wanted to have a wedding close to home. I was not crazy about the idea but it all comes down to compromise.

Another hurtle was when i chose not to have my cousins in my wedding. my one cousin understands that i want to keep it small. my other cousin made a big issue out of it and caused a big fight in my family. I had plenty of crying fits over it but it all comes down to our wedding and our vision. You cant make everyone happy, but make sure you make yourself happy.

SteveAndSara2005

Ugh!! I'm so sorry you're going through this! I also have NEVER heard of 'presentation' most people give money as a gift any ways, there is no need to tell them too. That's just rude, your FMIL needs a reality check. Mine is the same way.. "well when I got married blah blah blah".. I'm sorry but things are totally different 30 years later! 

I think you and your FI should stick up for yourselves and your decisions, especially since they are not contributing and maybe their persistence will tone down a little bit.

We're here for you! 

lv2011

I'm so sorry for you!

Honestly, if it were me and my fi, we'd probably take that as our cue to elope and never look back. We're not fans of pushy obnoxious people. So, more power to you for having the incredible patience to continue planning the day despite the terrible bickering and behavior of your families.

Really, the day is to celebrate your marriage. It's about you and your fiance making that lifelong commitment to eachother. Sharing it with family is a bonus, as is everything else. Make that clear to them.

And, from past experience, if you let your fmil step all over you now, it will never end. Make your strength and character known--- do not let yourself be pushed around!

Best of luck to you! We've got your back

jonesma204

elope? hehe, just kidding... 

the girls already gave lots of good advice... When it comes down to it, you and FI are paying so you call all the shots, opinions are just that-opinions and you SHOULD NOT feel like you need to please everyone else AT YOUR/FI's EXPENSE...

hang in there and welcome to the board- the girls are all awesome, supportve and fun

violakat03

Yes. Very very much yes. I have sort of the opposite problem as you - my FMIL pushes hard to try and change what we want but I am too stubborn and won't keep my opinion to myself.

My FMIL and FBIL both keep trying to commandeer our wedding plans. I'm actually glad my FI gets in the middle of it because I would have caused a big fight by now! I'm not one to hold my tongue, and they've presented a couple ideas that I would have laughed in their face over.

First insane idea: they want us to move our ceremony AND reception from our venue we've already picked out and paid for, which we picked because we loved, to their house!! Keeping in mind that they aren't contributing a dime! His mom lives on a farm and for some reasons thinks it's no big deal to just have the ceremony in the back yard and she'll feed everyone hamburgers and hot dogs afterward. Uh... NO.

Second insane idea: They think I am supposed to pay for everything! Not us, not my parents, not them, ME! FI said he has heard at least a hundred times that "the bride is supposed to pay for the wedding." When he asks what the groom is supposed to pay for, she says his tux and the rehearsal dinner. Okay, for one, I've always heard that the bride's family traditionally (key word, traditionally) pays for the ceremony & reception and the groom's family pays for the honeymoon. Neither of our families are contributing a dime. We are paying the whole thing. So tradition just went straight out the window. Two, where does she think I am going to come up with the money for it? I'm a full time college student. I work part time delivering pizzas and make just enough to cover my bills and put a little towards the wedding each month. I bought my dress using my tax refund, but that was a one time thing! So again ... uh .. NO.

Third insane idea: His mom is getting very upset over the prospect of us not inviting every single blasted member of his family. Our guest list is about 50-75 people over what we can do at our reception and we could easily get it under control if we cut a chunk of his distant family out. I've never met at least half of them, and part of the remaining half I've only met once, at his dad's funeral last fall. FI even admitted that was the first time he'd seen many of them in a decade. When most of them didn't even recognize him until re-introduced (or if they did, they didn't pay any attention to him - his older brother is very much the favored son), why are we inviting them to come party on our dime? One last time. Uh .. NO!

I wish they'd both just BUTT OUT! Or if they insist on sticking their nose in where it doesn't belong, they could contribute to the cause.