QOTD 4/27

minionlover

I saw this topic on another board and was wondering others opinions...

Would you be okay with your FI having a best female friend that he had been intimate with in the past?  Would you FI be okay with that if the rolls were reversed?

lehc723

I guess it depends on the level of intimacy? FI and I were friends in college with a girl I knew he'd made out with a few times when they were in high school together, but they never really had feelings for each other. If emotional intimacy was involved, then I'd have a problem with it, and I think FI would too if the roles were reversed.

trawas01

Earlier in our relationship FI was still pretty friendly with his high school ex. The fact that she was quite honestly dumb as board, kind of obnoxious and so well beyond anything that FI was even remotely interested in anymore meant them being friendly didn't bother me much. They still talk on occasion, and now she doesn't bother me in the least. The girl is kind of a trainwreck, if talking to FI helps her out on occasion so be it.

Now another ex was a much different story. This one was from college and created some fairly serious issues between FI and myself early in our relationship. He tried for a while to keep that friendship up but to be honest it irritated me so much (and to be honest turned me into a completely illogical raging lunatic of a girlfriend) that he eventually let it go for us, or me. Either way that friendship ended a couple years ago.

If it was flipped, I don't think FI would care but to be honest I don't have a relationship with any of my exs so we've never had to test it.

Heath66

I honestly have no idea how I would feel about this. Luckily I will never have to worry about it happeneing because we have only been with each other.

But if I were in the situation, If I knew he had no interest in her what so ever I might be ok with it. I don't think I would be okay with them being alone, only because I doubt I would trust her. My FI on the other hand would have a big problem with it, he is quite territorial.

achiduck

I don't know. I guess it would depend on how long ago it was and what the relationship status was of the woman.

I've never been good at remaining friends with ex's. The only person I'm friends with is the guy I dated when I was 15 - we were so young and it was so long ago that it doesn't matter. Besides nothing too intimate happened anyway.

cbear215

I agree with PPs, I think it would depend on the type of relationship they had and how long ago it happened.  I think I would be okay if they were friendly, but I don't think I'd be okay with "best friend."
I stay in touch with one of my exes...we are friends on FB and we chat every once in a while.  FI is okay with this but I know if it were anything more, he probably wouldn't be.

mana8503

Here's my rule - if you have to hide it, then it's inapproriate. 

He had a friend that they hooked up with once.  They keep in touch, that's fine.  She doesn't start drama, and he tells me when they talk.  Same with me, although I don't really hang out with exes.  There's a guy I used to date in college, and he ended up marrying my roommate's HS friend... we run into each other, we catch up when we do.   

mana8503

I will add I don't like him being friends with ex wife.  I know they have kids, but she has proven time and again that she's crazycakes... like last weekend... keep it to the kids and that's it.

ktelizabeth86

Best friends - yes I would have a problem. I think remaining best friends, hanging out and talking all the time seems like you aren't over each other. I have never wanted to be best friends with any of my exes.

Friendly - not a problem at all. We live in a small town and we grew up together so we know all about each others past. I'm friendly with my exes if I see them out and he would be too. No reason not to be.

mpjf1001

I am fine with FI maintaining a friendship with an ex, idk about best friends however.

FI had two ex's per se, one he dated for 4 years starting in HS and then a little afterwards and they were friends when we started dating, i was fine with it up until (bc im a girl and im not stupid) she would start sending him pics of her feet after she got a pedicure, or "accidentally" text him with something random so he would text back with "what?" and get a convo going, i knew she wanted more when one of their mutual friends from HS wanted to date her and called FI for his permission and he was like i dont give a crap and she got all pissy over it...their relationship ended when she told him it was either me or her, well duh he chose me and they dont speak anymore!!!!

The other one lets say she was more of a stalker and used to call him when she was drunk and curse him out and try to start stuff b/t us....FI is more passive and lets things slide, thinking if he ignores it it will go away, and im not, so i told him he needed to put a stop to it and when the stupid girl called on the night we were out to dinner for my parent's anniversary and i answered the phone and she started ranting about something i had had enough and he finally told her they werent friends and to leave him alone!!! she was crazy!!

I'm not sure if the shoe was on the foot how it would go, i have plenty of guy friends just not that close and I dont talk to any of my ex's so i guess we will never know!

BrittneyRN

Probably not. I am the least jealous person.

FI definitely would be.

snuff9861

I would definately not be ok. FI is one of those guys who is too nice to a lot of people. He had a friend, a girl who I knew was bad news, and it caused a lot of problems. He didn't even realize how bad it looked until my army of girlfriends literally had to spell it out for them. 

That being said, it would probably be the same way if the roles were reversed. FI knows my ex, and they didn't get along before I dated either one of them.

pockysquirrel

Due to a couple relationship disasters that occurred before we met each other, FI and I are both of the belief that exes are exes for a reason and should stay that way. Trying to be friends or anything else with them is just asking for drama.

MelyndaRyan

Thats a HUGE NO
Intimacy plus having that friendship no no no no no - I feel like there would be the instance that perhaps there aren't resolved feelings.

geieran

I would not be ok with my F having a "best friend" who is a girl. I think your spouse should be your best friend. My F is so sweet, though, that it wouldn't be an issue for me. He won't even go to lunch with a female co-worker by himself because of how it might look. I wouldn't mind something like this or if there was a female from his past that he was still cordial with, but he won't hear of it.

My F would have a problem with my best friend being a male. As far as the other things I mentioned, he wouldn't mind me going to lunch with a male or being friends with a male. However, I don't feel that he should be held to a higher standard than me so I wouldn't do it simply because of that.

ReyesToy

I'm totally fine with that. In fact, his ex before me was one of his closest friends growing up...they're still really good friends because she's part of his close group of friends. There have been times when he's hung out with them + her, without me. She's super nice, I like her and she's invited to the wedding.

He's the jealous type so it would not be okay if it was reversed.

Ividian

I admit with shame that I am a jealous person. However, I trust my fiance completely, but would be uneasy if he were close friends with an ex. I believe he would feel the exact same way. At this point neither of us are friends with any of our ex's and therefore it is thankfully not an issue.

aimee58

Best friends with a girl, okay. Best friends with an ex, heck no!! I'm not a jealous person, but I'm not overly trusting either. I think it's hard to be intimate with someone and have a connection, but be friends later like nothing happened.

I know FI would hate if I was best friends with an ex. He hates the idea that I've had exes, much less that they'd still be a part of my life. Luckily, we don't have that problem. Neither of us talk to our exes anymore.

Ali092011

I wouldn't have a problem with FI having a female best friend, as long as they had never been more than friends. If they had been physical, even if there were no emotions attached, I would not be okay with it. I work hard to not be a jealous person at all, but that would be somewhere I'd draw the line.

I am fairly certain FI would feel the same way. Two of my closest friends are guys, and FI really likes them, but he also knows there's no way I have ever or will ever be physically involved with them.

violakat03

I'm actually dealing with this situation right now. FI was engaged in the past, but she broke it off before the wedding. They were together a total of 7 years, including most of high school, plus they'd been friends since elementary school, so they have a pretty long history. When she broke it off, they broke all communication. She ended up moving to North Dakota a year later with her family.

After she moved, she started going to a new church and her pastor encouraged trying to mend broken bridges of the past, and her friendship with my FI was one of those bridges. This was maybe 6-8 months before we got together. She rekindled the relationship with FI and now considers him her best friend.

The problem is, FI does not consider her his best friend. He probably would have been just as happy with her not talking to him still. Every time they talk, he's reminded why they're no longer together, but he knows that she needs the emotional support of having him to talk to. As a PP said, she's kind of a trainwreck, so she probably really does need that connection with someone she's known for so long, and he's ok with that. I was ok with it at first too, but lately I've really become not okay with it.

First off, she did some serious emotional damage to him when they were together. She had him thoroughly convinced that if she didn't want him, no one would. He has major self-esteem problems because of things she'd said and done to him during their relationship. Second off, she calls him constantly. I don't get to see FI that often because of our work schedules for the next month, and every time I'm with him, she calls at least once. Third, she doesn't seem to differentiate between "ex-fiance" and "best friend." There IS a difference. It's like she tries to gloss over the fact they were together and she shattered his heart, and that now things are all just sunshine and rainbows between them.

As FI put it once, she seems to think that if she ever gets married, it will be to him. Regardless of the fact that he and I are getting married, she still seems to think this way. The fact that she is still calling him constantly, and still acting as if he is her best friend, is really starting to get to me. FI just blows her off, and often will ignore her phone call because he doesn't want to listen to whatever drama she has going on right now, but then she'll text. Then she'll call his house, or message him on facebook, and whine about him ignoring her. I've been trying to get him to put her foot down with her and tell her to back off, but he's such a softie that he just couldn't do that to her. I'm wondering how much of a b**** I could be to her and just tell her stay away from my man.

I really didn't want her at our wedding. I think it would be WAY too awkward. But FI insisted, and so she's on the guest list against my better judgement. I really just want her to stay the heck away from FI.

So to answer the original question, yes I have a real problem with FI being friends with his ex, and it's nothing to do with him and everything to do with the fact she doesn't know what being an ex means. If the rolls were reversed, he wouldn't have a problem with being friendly with an ex (he's encouraged me to try and reach out to my XH if I want to - I don't speak to anyone I've been in a relationship with, but it's been their choice) but I think he'd also have a problem if our situations were exactly reversed from now.

Thanks for giving me a chance to rant about it!