Step-Parenting for dummies...?

mrshall1027

So FI and I were exausted last night after a full day at work, making dinner, feeding the kids, running some errands, cleaning up, and then putting the kids to bed.  He asked me "And you are sure you want another baby" and I responded with "Yes, of course.  Why?"  and he said, "Well, we already have two and we are worn out and we only have them half the time" and I said "Well, I don't want one right now but I do want one eventually because then it will be mine."

That last comment hurt his feelings and brought up the fact that I feel like his two daughters will never be "my" kids.  There mother is huge figure in their lives and I don't feel like I am anything close to what she is to them, and I never will be.  Of course, I love them and I care for them and would do anything and everything for them, but I will never be there mom.

Am I out of line for feeling this way?  It's not because of any lack of love or care for the children; it's more of me not feeling like I could take the same or equal position as their mother.  I feel like there is a bond that is immediately formed with a parent when a child is born and since I wasn't there, can this bond really be replicated?  Maybe it's my own insecurities about being a good parent figure that are holding me back...

Are any of you in this same position or maybe grew up with a life long stepmother/stepfather?

achiduck

I am not a step parent, nor will I be one when I marry FI so I have no advice to give. But I just wanted to say that I don't think you're wrong for watning a child of your own. I think perhaps you and FI should have a private, calm talk and reassure him that while you love and adore his children, they're not yours and you feel like that part would be missing for you.

minionlover

I don't think that you are out of line at all.  I grew up with a step mom.  My mom passed awat when I was about 2.  My step mom always treated me like she was her own but there were times when it was really hard for both of us and I could always tell that it was really hard for my older brother too. 

I know that your situation is different because their mom is in the picture which in my opinion makes it even harder.  I can understand wanting your own children.  Do you think that FI doesn't want anymore children or that you will treat his kids differently than your kids?

chilover27

My FI has a ten yr old son I to have said things along those lines as well and it hurts his feelings. I try to explain to him that I'm not meaning it in a negative way but he doesn't understand. I have also expressed that I want 3 children he feels that if we have two his son makes 3. It's something that I have accepted over the years. BUT when the time comes I know he will see it my way ; ) good luck I know it is not always easy

trawas01

I'm not, nor will I be, a step parent. But my sister married into that position.

For her it wasn't easy. In the begining my brother in law's sons were young and they had a good relationship. As they aged, due to the relationship my BIL had with his ex, things deteroriated rapidly. Both are adults now and after a long hiatus they are only begining to repair their relationship with his youngest son.

Having kids was a struggle for him. I can vividly remember my sister sharing conversations just like yours. Sharing them, even while loving them, didn't make them hers. And she really wanted that. Through many converstions it eventually came out that my BIL's issues were complicated, he was afraid having more would seem like he was abandoning his existing kids, or some how lessening that relationship. He also had fears of if his marriage with my sister ever ended going through not having his kids with him all the time, like he had gone through with his ex.

I guess what I'm getting at is it took them a long time, past being married, to really open the lines of communication on how they both felt about having kids. And how, even if it wasn't logical, there were barriers being put up. Keep having those conversations, and be ready for bumps. But if you guys keep talking you'll work it out.

And for some peace of mind, while I have two step-nephews, I also have two amazing biological nephews. It took some time, but she got him on board.

mrshall1027

My FI is open to having more kids, at least one more, and I would be happy with that.  It hurts his feelings because he feels since they are still pretty young (2 and 5), they will remember me being there their whole lives.  While this is true, I feel like they will remember their mom more or she will be a more significant figure.  And I am totally fine with that and I understand that.  And the kicker to all of this, is that when FI and I first met, he made it clear that he wasn't looking for a mother for his kids because they already have one.  I guess his feelings about this have changed since we've been together and moved into a serious and committed relationship.

Maybe he interpreted the statement to mean that I wouldn't care or love them like they were my own children, which is not true.  I do love them and I am so happy to have them in my life.  They are a lot of work, but so worth it.  I just don't know how to get him to see my point of view without seeming heartless.

lv2011

Being women and having children is something that we are biologically hard-wired for, both physically and emotionally. True, not all women want children, but nobody should fault you for wanting to have children of your own. Feeling a life grow within you, and nurturing that life with the person you love, is a natural desire and does not in any way mean that you are less capable of loving other children that are not biologically your own. Continue to have conversations with your fiance and help him understand that loving his children is no less important just because you wish to bring another life into the world with him. There is absolutely nothing wring about this.

I have one child from my ex, and my fiance has said he definitely wants children "of our own". I know he loves my daughter, but I know that there's nothing quite the same as having and raising a child that is fully biologically your own. I know it will never mean he loves her less. Luckily, I also want more, and my daughter keeps asking when she gets to have a baby brother or sister. Not all kids are the same, but chances are that if his kids are genuinely loved, they won't have a problem with having another sibling.

Keep working at it. And good luck