MOB/FMIL Dress DRAMA..Sorry this post is long

snydera

Leading up to this wknd, wedding drama has been minimal.  I had my first fitting on Sat. and my mother came down from PA to go with me.  As we were walking through the bridal store she mentioned that the print of dress was nice, and I said,  "FMIL got that same style dress in Purple."

Not knowing the drama that this statement was going to lead too....my mother then spent the entire appt. crying because 1.)  my mother's dress is short/cocktail style and FMIL is a long flowing gown 2.) my mother found this to be extremely rude of the FMIL to go out two months before the wedding and buy this gown when we all thought that she was wearing a short blue dress 3.) my mother said that the FMIL is to follow the style of the MOB, not wear a long gown if the MOB is wearing  a short cocktail gown.

So my appt. was a mess and the remainder of the day was not much fun.  In response to my mom's reaction, I sent an email right away to my FMIL about the situation.  I also spoke to my fiance and he said that he would call his mom in the morning and we could discuss, and that he didn't see it as being a problem.  The email was very nice I just said that my mother was very upset to hear that she was wearing a gown, when she had expressed to her that she was wearing a short cocktail dress and assumed that she would follow suit, as is customary.  I indicated to my FMIL that I would greatly appreciate if she could shorten her dress, tea length, and that I would take care of the alterations.

Well come Sunday, FMIL asked my fiance for my parent's phone number.  She phoned my mom and basically blamed the whole thing on ME!  The list of what she said is long 1.)  that she asked me if I had a preference what she wore, color, style, and I said no (this is true, I said she could wear whatever color it didn't need to coordinated) 2.) that I never told her what the BM's were wearing (short black cocktail dresses) 3.)  that she has no memory of having a conversation with my mother as to the fact that she would be wearing a short cocktail dress, but wasn't sure about the color and that FMIL could wear whatever color she wanted 4.)  that her dress can not be altered to be made shorter, is not returnable, etc. 5.)  she never had made a decision 100% that she was wearing the blue dress that we all saw a picture of.

I know what dress FMIL purchased and it is able to be altered and made shorter, it is chiffon and has a basic skirt, so she is being difficult.  I never did tell her what color/style the BM's were wearing bec. she never asked.  If you don't ask me about the wedding, which she hasn't, I am not going to ramble on about it.  FMIL has done next to nothing, I picked out the rehearsal dinner site, I designed and purchased the RD invites, and I am sure I will be sending them out.  The list goes on.........

So to wrap this whole thing up and to see what others out there think.  Was anyone in the wrong here?  Is it customary for the FMIL to wear a short style if the MOB is ? Do you think FMIL will look like the odd one out being that no one is wearing a gown? Should I leave things as they are?  I have enough on my plate then to listen to my FMIL blame me for this!

SwizzleStiX

1. It is customary for the MOB to pick her dress first.

2. It's so not going to be a big deal and I would try not to stress about it!

3. I think you've done what you can and I'd just tell them both to wear whatever they'd like and leave it at that.

4. Believe me, I get it about the F-IL's. Mine have just been like "tell us where to be and what to pay for", which we greatly appreciate, but there are so many other things to be done other than just paying for stuff. I've taken on a lot extra, and they just keep needing constant thank you's. I get what you're going through, I just keep smiling, saying thanks and moving on!

I think the MOG doesn't know how to react because it's her son and not her daughter and they seem akward in how involved they should/want to be (at least that's how it is with my FMIL).

ecsmiles

I don't know - to me, it seems like unnecessary drama.  First of all, both your mother and fiance's mother can dress themselves with whatever they are comfortable in.  If its truly important for your mother to somehow "match" fiance's mother, then she should be the one to buy a new dress.  I think trying to force a grown woman to alter her dress to avoid hurt feelings is really juvenille.  They each purchased a dress that they liked, so its crazy to make one of them completely change the look of a dress that she (likely) spend a lot of money on.

I'm sorry you're going through some un-needed stress, but honestly just let them each wear whichever dress they want to and be done with it.  You'll be happier not having to deal with this, and the mom's will get over it.

janegalt

I feel your pain.  My mother is refusing to settle on a dress (to be fair, she's thin and broad-shouldered, so dresses cut for women with middle-aged spread look decidedly odd on her), so my FMIL has gone ahead and picked out something which seems much more formal than my mother is going to end up wearing.  I mean, I don't care what they wear as long as it isn't see-through or spandex, so why is there so much drama?

OFF

Yeah this definitely seems unnecessary.  My mom and FMIL have very different styles so I didn't make them follow some arcane rules about who gets to choose first and what styles they must follow.  Fortunately neither of them cared what the other wore.  You can't force your FMIL to alter her dress and pushing the issue will only cause unnecessary tension in your relationship.  If it really bothers your mom this much then maybe she should get a full length dress also.  If she doesn't want to do that then I would tell her respectfully and lovingly to man up and let it go.  

2dBride

What you're running into is a difference in traditions.  The old rule was that the MOB bought her dress first, and informed the MOG, so she could get something coordinating.  The more modern rule is that no one has to coordinate with anyone else, unless the couple really want them to.

Trust me, this conflict was making trouble as far back as my first wedding, in 1977.  My MIL kept desperately asking me what my mother was wearing, so she could coordinate.  My mother's reaction was along the lines of, "I'll pick out a nice dress from my closet the morning of the wedding; what's the problem?"

So, it may never have occurred to FMIL that she needed to talk to anyone about what she was wearing.  And now your mother is upset because she thinks she's being required to follow FMIL's lead, instead of vice versa.

I would go with the, "Wear whatever you want," approach.  If anyone ends up out of step, it will be FMIL, and apparently, she doesn't care.  Your mother, who does care, can be as coordinated with the bridesmaids, etc., as she wants to be.

snydera

Thanks everyone for your comments.  Yeah I am going to just let this play out on its own and we will see come the ceremony I guess, since my FMIL also decided to not have her hair and makeup done with the rest of us.  I may not see her until then.

Thanks again!!

sylveste

I had an issue with my MIL and her dress, too.  She kept asking about the BM dresses, so once they were decided I sent her the link.  A few weeks later she tells me how she finally found a dress to match them.  Fortunately it was over email, so I took a few minutes to bitch to my MOH and my mom.  Then I decided not to say anything.  I guess one of her SILs told her that I probably didn't want her to look like the BMs.  She ended up wearing that dress for the rehearsal and bought a new one for the reception.  It all worked out in the end - everyone looked great and was happy!  

Good luck!  

razdazzle

I understand what you are going through.  My FMIL picked her dress out first, and I think that bummed my mom out.  I think FMIL was just really excited since this is the first wedding in her family.

FMIL did ask me about the BM's and if she should wear a certain color, etc. But if she hadn't I would have told her what the BM's were wearing, just so she was in the loop - not because I wanted her to wear a specific color. 

It worked out for me because both moms did pick long gowns. 

In your situation, it seems like there is some unnessary drama - but it is completely understandable for you and your mom to feel the way you do.  It seems like FMIL is being difficult.  But it is her son's wedding too and I'm sure she is just really excited.  I think it's ok for your moms to have different styles, but I probably would also want them to have the same length dress.