Need to vent!!!! Help!

abdalton

Is anyone else having issues with their soon to be mother in law helping out with planning or lack there of?? Heres my problem: my fiances parents live in TN & we live here in MD.  I don't talk to his parents a lot - it's been hard to get close with them since I've stayed a total of 2 weeks at their house in the over 2 years we've been dating.  My fiances parents are gracious enough to pay for our honeymoon.  We are SO excited to have this as a gift and I would love to get ideas of where we're going to go, but I can't.  My fiance keeps telling me "my mom is keeping her eye out for things to do and she'll send them to us when she comes across things".  Let me explain...we've been engaged since March and we're getting married this July.  We haven't received ONE thing from her yet for ideas.  I keep trying to hint that things are going to go up in cost the longer we wait but he doesn't want to hint to his mom to look more.Also, I would like to get a hotel for my side of friends & family as well as his.  Pretty much almost all of our 150 guests are going to be coming out of town.  My dad and I have blocked off rooms at two hotels, but now his mom wants to look into renting a house for his side of family for the weekend to make it "cozy".  Would anyone else get upset by this?? I'm not fond of our friends & family doing seperate things...isnt the point of a wedding (besides the whole lifetime promise thing blah blah blah) to celebrate friends & family coming together?? I don't know how to tell her I think we should all do something together whethere it's a hotel or a couple of houses rented next to eachother.  His parents also have no idea what they're going to do for rehearsal dinner!! HELP! AGH!  I'm just a control freak and I get selfish when I can't keep something in control.  I feel like the wedding is going to be here before I know it & it still isn't going to be planned!!! Do you guys think I should talk to my fiances parents about it or just let it be??

phkesner

Been there.  Just proceed forward unless someone tells you something concret.  Sounds like she keeps throwing curve balls at you.  Is your family "hosting" the wedding? Especially if this is the case, email or send out your OOT information soon with the hotel info you've reseved as a courtesy to the guests-- if MIL wants to do her own thing there's not a lot you can do, but don't scrap your hotel plans.  Sounds like MIL is "looking" into a lot of things, but with no real plan yet for any.  My husband's family decided to do their "own thing" at the last minute more than once throughout the weekend and in the end, it just wasn't worth the energy to force them to be together with my family and our friends.  Was an interesting wake-up call to him.

PressMe

What does your FI have to say about all of this? I'm a control freak, so I understand your frustration. #1- Don't sweat the hotel. If your FMIL wants to rent a house, let her. It's not worth the hassle to fight her on it. Just include your hotel blocks information with the STDs. #2- Why don't you and your FI talk to her and get an idea of how much she's willing to spend. That way, you can plan the honeymoon within their budget. JMO

m_masino

Well--if it's a big deal for you and you can't let it go, then yes--you need to communicate it.  But---if you're going to communicate it, make sure you are totally calm and ready to listen when you do it.  Most people seem to have their own visions of what a wedding should be. First step---talk to your fiance and see what he says.  If he says it's cool for you to talk to his mom, then go for it:)  If you haven't communicated your vision to her, then she wouldn't know what you expect from her and what you expect in general.  I would play it like this---Hi future mom in law, I was wondering if I could talk to you about some of the wedding plans.  I really appreciate all the help you're giving us, and I am so excited and thankful that you are paying for the honeymoon. That's just really above and beyond and I appreciate it so much.  I was thinking about where we would go...what do you think. I always look at it as---we really don't know what other people are thinking until we ask.  So tell her you'd love her input and ask her if she can email you her own ideas by XX date. And of course communicate why you think it should be by xx date and ask her what she thinks about it.  This way you won't be stressing...you'll know when you're going to hear from her.  Hope that helps at least a bit:)  I'll tell you my whole motto that I've devised from planning my wedding---give up what little control you think you have because in reality, you really have none (i.e. you say no kids at the wedding and then someone brings a screaming baby even though you specifically said no kids).  And--there's really no black and white.  Everything is in a gray area:)

tracy_k

Take a deep breath. Your wedding isn't until July. That's still 9 months away. The rehearsal dinner doesn't need to be planned yet. Neither does the honeymoon.  :)My wedding is in 4 months and we *just* booked the honeymoon (got a fantastic deal too). Our rehearsal dinner isn't planned yet."I'm just a control freak and I get selfish when I can't keep something in control."You aren't in control of everything... you're going to be a lot happier and less stressed out if you acknowledge this and start letting go now. Let your MIL do her thing, just make sure that what you're doing (blocks of rooms and whatnot) is available for ALL your guests, in case she never gets around to actually doing it.

abdalton

Thanks ladies for the help!! You all are right - I just need to take a deep breath & keep telling myself we have PLENTY of time to plan this.  My fiance keeps trying to tell me that - we have plenty of time to get everything figured out. We're going to spend Christmas w/ his fam for the most part so I think some planning will happen then *I hope!*.   I just see all of these checklists showing me "Book the honeymoon now!" at the 9 month checklist & my thoughts are "AHHHH we don't even know where we're going!!".  Thanks again   I feel better now! 

Annluna

Since they live in TN, i assume they are not familiar with the DC area.  So it might help to give them a few suggestions of places that would be good for the rehearsal dinner to give them an idea. I would do the same with the honeymoon.  Just because his parents are paying for it...i dont think that means they decide where you are going and have to plan it.  Tell them where you want to go...then they give you a budget of how much they want to spend...and you plan it.  I think you should do some research before you visit them and have some rehearsal dinner locations selected and some honeymoon ideas too. Good luck!