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Save The Date Drama - Venting

Hi ladies. I wanted to see if my fiancé and I are the only people dealing with invitation drama. Two weeks ago we sent out our save the dates and his family started calling to let us know they received them. Well last Saturday one of his cousins called and asked if she was invited to the wedding. He told her no. We have a set number and have booked a venue where our number is the maximum.Well from there it goes down hill. His Mom calls talking about how his Aunt feels funny about attending a wedding that her daugther is not invited to. And then another cousin who is one of my bridesmaids makes the same comment. He’s not even close with this cousin and he told her “How close are we when I don’t even know where you live?”. I think we should be able to invite people whom we are close with. This is his Mother’s side of the family. Did I mention he’s not evening inviting his family from his Father’s family because his Mom’s family dominates the his whole list. On top of that, they are telling him that he should take off his friends. This is where I draw the line. He’s a Iraq war vet and most of his friends that he’s inviting are military. So he does have a closer bond with most of them than his family, like this one cousin that is not invited. People are just selfish. No one is helping us pay for this so I really don’t want to hear it. Well it’s getting so bad that I just lost the flower girl, because her mother (another one of his cousin’s ) called him today to tell him to get off his high horse and how nasty he was being. So he told her if she didn’t like his decision, please don’t come. Thank god we still have 8 months, but is anyone experiencing this crap? I was thinking about sending out an email, but my MOH told me no. She said that I shouldn’t have to explain myself and plus it would probably make it worst. Any one got any advice? I hope no one is dealing with this at all. Thanks for letting me vent.

Re: Save The Date Drama - Venting

  • edited December 2011
    I feel your pain...just be firm and do what you can.
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  • edited December 2011
    I'm sorry you're having to deal with family drama. Stand your ground. The people who really love you will be there to celebrate with you on your big day no matter what.
  • edited December 2011
    family members always want to add in their two pennies of ideas but like the ladies above, the ones who want to be there will and you will appreciaite them even more for it... plus- you still have 8 months to go and people will calm down and it will pass.... stay positive and dont let them bring you down!
  • edited December 2011
    People never cease to amaze me with how rude they can be! I would never call someone up and ask if I'm invited to their wedding - even if they were family. Take a deep breath and stick with your decision - if people complain to you, tell them tough noogies! If they start saying well if so-and-so isn't invited then I'm not coming, tell them that it's unfortunate that they've made that decision and invite someone else who really cares about you and wants to be there no matter what. You have to draw the line somewhere - I come from a large Italian family so we had to draw a line and say no guests under 21. Unfortunately, this cuts off 2 of my first cousins (1 is my goddaughter) but you gotta do what you gotta do. Turned out, my Aunt was actually thankful that her kids weren't invited. It's awesome that you & your FI are on the same page and he's standing up to them. Just remember that people will always cause drama, but try not to let it suck you in. GL.
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  • calattcalatt member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree with everyone that's posted above.  It's good that you and your FI are on the same page.  If people get upset, that's their problem.  Bottom line it's your wedding, do what you want and invite who you want.  Listen to your MOH - you don't have to explain yourself.  All this will blow over and people will relax.  No matter what your wedding will be amazing and the people you love will be there.  Best of luck with the planning!
  • edited December 2011
    Thanks ladies.  It helps alot.  I read your responds to my FI and it's helping him too.
  • scoettoscoetto member
    Name Dropper First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    So I guess I'm the only one having a problem with this? If they are your family and you invite the brother but not the sister, that's wrong, in my eyes. I understand you need to cut the guest list somewhere but cutting it down to half families isn't the right way to do it. I hope you don't think I'm being harsh, I just think it's a little rude.
  • edited December 2011
    Isn't it super frustrating when you've only sent out the save the dates and you're hearing this now!! And you still have eight months to go! I totally feel your pain.  I'm in the same situation.  By the way--to the person who wrote the rude comment--I just reread her post..I don't see anywhere that she said she was inviting the brother and not the sister.  If you're going to be negative, make sure you read and reread the post.  Obviously she's upset, so there's really no reason to respond if you're going to be negative.  We're all planning weddings here and need support not more negativity especially if she's having a rough time.  Anyways, back to my point.  My fiance has a huge family so he's cutting way down too.  He's a firefighter--so he wants to invite his friends since they're like his family. And we're paying for most of this ourselves.  His mom is paying for the rehearsal.  I did have him ask her if there was anyone she really wanted there--and I did the same with my family and tried to accommodate where I could.  But he has to cut out a lot of his cousins because if he didn't, we wouldn't be able to afford the wedding.  Hang in there girl!  I feel your pain.  I was ready to elope to niagara falls (they have such great background for the photos and it would really narrow the guest list!!).  I made it through...and so will you:)  Don't send any mass emails or emails in general.  Address it as it comes.  If you're inviting 100 people, figure maybe 10 will give you a hassle.  So in reality..you're going to find that the problem people are a lot less in relation to the grand scheme of it all.  Try not to let it get to you.  Realize you have little control over what people are going to say and do, so learn to just chill, breathe and go with it.  Handle it as it comes:)  And in wedding planning...there's no black and white--at least not that I've seen so far.  It all seems gray to me---gray in a way that I see problems I never would have thought of before.  Ok---hang in there:)  You'll make it through.  You have your Fiance for support:) And us:) Most of Us:) Whew---that was like my own Rant:)
  • edited December 2011
    Your fiance and you having a united front is HUGE, and being together on this makes me very optimistic about your future. Most of the time when that kind of problem arises, it's relatives playing one of you against the other, and that's all kinds of bad juju.Your MOH is right - no mass emails. Opens too many doors to a poop storm.I had a situation where a an aunt wanted to know if, when we said "no kids" we meant just small children - her daughter's kids are in middle and high school and apparently very well behaved and she never goes anywhere without her whole family. The question reached me indirectly, but I responded directly to the cousin with a two-sentence email, politely but firmly saying that we'd decided not to invite children, and at this point we can't invite some peoples' children but not others. I could have gone into a lengthy explanation, but the more words you use to justify a decision, the more opportunity there is for people to argue.I would hope that most people would understand if you told them that you'd love to invite everybody, but you can't. I might even suggest giving only one reason - if you invited everyone, you wouldn't be able to afford it. I'd leave out the social hierarchy part if possible, but my own FI has flat out stated that he tells some of his coworkers "I just don't love you enough to invite you." if someone asks why they're not invited. I'm not sure if he's joking or not.
  • scoettoscoetto member
    Name Dropper First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    m_masino, you're right. I got cousins mixed up with brother/sister. But I wasn't being rude. And I even said "I hope you don't think I'm being rude". I am offering an opinion, which is what she was asking for. If you thought my response was harsh, you might not want to go on the national boards, where people are known to be rude over the simpliest questions.Regardless, if she is getting this much negative familiy reaction over the invite of one person, I think it would be in her best interest to invite this one person. She already said her Aunt feels funny attending a family wedding that her daughter isn't invited to. And I get that. So instead of causing WWIII with her family, if the Aunt and part of the wedding party is upset the one cousin isn't invited, invite the one cousin. litbride, it is awesome that you & your FI are standing a united front. Weddings tend to bring out the worst in people and the last thing you want to do is cause a family feud over who can & can't come. We had the same issue. And didn't invite one of J's aunts. And now that side of the family doesn't talk to us. At all. HIS GRANDMOTHER as well as 4 out of 5 aunts/uncles didn't come because we didn't invite one Aunt. Is it petty? Hell yeah it is. But the family was hurt. And now we have to deal with how to make it better. Yes wedding planning sucks and the guest list is the hardest part. Friends can come and go, but family is around for a lifetime.
  • edited December 2011
    I appreciate all the opinions, even if they agree or disgree.  I am sorry, it seems like some family members are around when they think they can get something free.  I just do not appreciate people trying to make my wedding a family reunion.  Ummm...they should take the two years needed to plan the reunion and save.  I refuse to go in debit for one day and them adding more people is not helping.  And there is nothing I can do if they can't understand that.
  • edited December 2011
    ugh--why does this site freeze so much.  Darn videos they have I think...super annoying.  Anyways---yeah---just reread the posts---I totally respect everyone's opinions.  I went too far with my post calling someone else rude.  My apologies:)
  • edited December 2011
    Maybe if they're gonna be huffy and not come he can invite his dad's family!
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