overwhelmed and want to elope

mariska82

Hi brides,

My fi and I have been engaged for about 6 months after dating for 3 years, and I cannot wait to marry him. The problem is I've been dreading planning the wedding because my parents have made the entire process miserable.

My dad of all people has new requests and demands from his side of the family every time we speak on the phone he has a big, traditional family that MUST be invited and catered to. My dads family even offered to pay for the day so they could have it 'their' way! We're footing the bill ourselves.

My mom has been harping on me nonstop to have a religious ceremony, and when I gently and firmly tell her no, she turns around and tells me I shouldn't be getting married at all if its not in a church.

We have booked a venue for the spring, but I don't think I can endure this harping, demands and trying to live up to everyones expectation but our own.

We would rather have a casual party and 'surprise' attendees with a wedding ceremony, or eloping or having a destination wedding, all sooner than our May 2013 date.

I just hate the typical wedding where people have such high expectations and complain the whole time. If I had a choice I wouldn't invite most of the aging family brood and just have a few family and some friends in a casual atmosphere.

Has anyone felt this way also? What did you do to get through it? Did you go through the wedding of everyone else's dreams, or did you change plans?

I'm thinking of maybe getting people together for a party for some other reason, but am struggling to find a good fake party premise. We just had a birthday/engagement/housewarming party 3 months ago, where all of this harping started.

Help please!!

saturninus

I say do it.

jessa1228

The most important thing here is that YOU are footing the bill, so YOU have the final say in everything. It is impossible to please everyone. No matter what you do, someone won't be happy with a decision you've made.

I wouldn't go the "surprise party" route. As a guest, I would be confused and a little weirded out if I went to a party and the hosts were like "oh btw, we're getting married today!" If you're seriously considering eloping instead, you need to consider the costs of losing the deposits you've already put down and decide if it's worth it.

I understand your frustration. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

laurbar12

I totally underestand.  For the first few months I was completely overwhelemed.  Everyone had their opinions and everytime i talked to my mom about the wedding we would argue and I was in tears by the end.  Finally, I just had to realize that its not about them.  It's not about anyone else but you and your fiance so you need to do what makes YOU both happy, and no one else. 

I made a list of the things that really mattered to me... and I shared that with my mother.  Those were things that I wasn't willing to budge on... I also explained the budget to my mom and she finally realized that the price of things have gone up since she got married (er...40 years ago!). I also made a few small concessions for my mother (for some reason, having persoanlized napkins was important to her - so I was willing to add that) and when I did that, she would chill out about the bigger things. 

Good luck, and I hope for your sanity it gets easier!  

Jeces

I recently talked about this on facebook and someone wrote:

"Don't let anyone else take over. Don't skimp on any traditions that may hurt people's feelings or you'll regret it later. (I didn't let Dad walk me down the aisle and he is upset to this day). Be firm and clear with service providers and put everything in writing. Choose your battles. Above all, have fun   At the time, I did not want to be walked down the aisle because I felt I was not a piece of property to be given away. I also didn't do the father-daughter dance for the same reason. I couldn't stand the thought of being "handed over" to my husband afterward. I felt so strongly about then, but would give anything to go back and change my decision because it broke my father's heart. It's funny how much sensibilities change as we age. If a particular tradition is very very important to one of your loved ones, just suck it up and do it for them. You'll have no regrets later. Trust me, it's not the things you do for yourself that you remember and make you happy in the future. It's what you do for other people."

I've been dealing with the same exact thing. I feel like Im planning the wedding to make everyone else happy. I completely stopped everything over the past week and had to re-evaluate. I think I'm scaling down everything to a point where I can mange it and I've decided not to tell anyone anything. I just keep saying "Thats' a great suggestion. I haven't really made any decisions yet."

Good luck! I hope that everything works out

cmgannett

i know exacty how youre feeling. well, maybe not exactly, BUT I UNDERSTAND!
my parents are the ones paying for the wedding, but they still want my fiance and i to do what makes us happy. we wanted our wedding to be fun...pretty much just a huge party where people can dance, minge, drink good and eat good and have tons of memories. the guest list kept adding up, i wasnt finding a pace that was "wow"....but the big thing was that i wasnt okay with spending an upwards of 30 thousand dollars for all this. would my parents shell it out? yes, they would. and im lucky to have them. but theres no way that makes any sense to me!

so my fiance and i have decided to get married on st. john. we havnt decided if we are going to invite our guests to go on a cruise, and then get married at st john. or if we are going to rent some villas and spend the week there. both, are pretty inexpense ( especcially the cruises)

im sorry this was so long. i guess i had to vent a bit too! when it comes down to it...you and your fiance need to be happy with your decision 30 years from now. your family and friends might be a little dissapointed that they wont be there or be abe to go, but they will get over it! they love you, and see that you are happy and doing something that YOU guys want. thats all that matters!

in conclusion....in you find a good travel agent let me know!

filadelphiafan

That's really tough. I watched my family more or less do this to my sister (at a very small degree in comparison to your story) and I told myself that when I got engaged, that was not happening! I am asking my family for their opinions but tried to make it clear from the start we were doing the wedding our way. We are vegan and athiest so my parents aren't super excited about our menu or our ceremony lol... but I don't care! However, my family seems to be a LOT more flexible than yours =( You are supposed to be happy and have fun planning your wedding... if it's that stressful and miserable I say go for it and elope. It's about you and your fiance before anyone else!