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What would you do?

Hey ladies, So, the planning for a Colorado wedding is well under way now. My mom and I are visiting venues this coming week. I am very excited. I have talked to a few caterers and feel pretty confident about 1 in particular. My sister is doing our photography, my cousin will be our DJ, my aunt will be our Minister, and my FSIL's BFF will be doing our flowers (for wholesale price). I am confident that we will stay under budget or right at our budget. My one issue is that FI's parents have not mentioned anything about adding to our budget OR hosting a rehearsal dinner. My parents are happy to offer us their budget and want to give me the world. I was discussing venue and catering costs with my mom today when the topic of alcohol came up. The venue I am looking at gives us the freedom to bring our own alcohol.. but that means it has to be an open/hosted bar. My mom thinks buying the alcohol will put us over our budget and mentioned that FIs parents should pitch to buy the alcohol. Now, I completely understand where my mom is coming from. Having the freedom to bring our own alcohol will make the alcohol cheaper so is it a bad thing if we ask FIL's to pitch toward our budget for alcohol? I assume FIL will host the rehearsal dinner. Is it too much to ask for them to pitch 1000.00 toward the wedding to help cover alcohol and misc things? I know there are a bunch of "rules" that say who pays for what but if all we're asking for is 1000.00.... What do you all think? How would you ask your FILs? I don't want to start a fight with my FI about this but since half of the guest list is his family... is it rude to ask them for money? Emilly

Re: What would you do?

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    edited December 2011
    I think there seem to be such a wide range of parental contributions when it comes to weddings these days, and I am not sure how many people still go with the traditional rules of the bride's side paying for everything and the groom's side paying for the rehearsal dinner. There are so many other factors that go into what is right for each person's unique situation. Sometimes it's the age of the bride and groom- say if they're just graduating college versus someone who has been in the working world a decade like me. Sometimes parents are in a good spot financially and have planned to contribute to their child's wedding day since the day they were born, and other times parents just don't have the means to contribute. I personally couldn't imagine asking FIL for money to contribute to the wedding, unless at some point they've insinuated they wanted to gie us money toward our wedding. I view parental financial contribution as more of a gift. A part of me can understand where your mom is coming from, but also think asking anyone for money might come off as rude. My parents paid for a few small things, unofficially, here and there, and my in-laws didn't pay for anything due to their tight financial situation. We never asked them if they were going to contribute, though. I assumed if they had even a little bit of money to contribute, they would have brought that up to us in the beginning of the planning process. To ask and have been told, "Sorry- we can't afford to pay for the rehearsal dinner." would have created an awkward situation. Or even worse- what if they said yes, even though they couldn't really afford it, and ended up putting it on their credit card? Instead, we just cut corners on other things- like simpler food, minimal amount of flowers, and grilled out at our apartment for rehearsal dinner in order to make things work.
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    skiingstarkskiingstark member
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    edited December 2011
    Okay first...Well what ever you do, do not post this on P&E Board or any of the national boards. They hate this question.So I am going to start off by saying have the wedding you can afford. You can cut down the guest list, or cut back in other areas etc... DIY board and budget board has great ideas.Make sure when that your FI ask his family if they want to pitch in for anything. If they ask where you guys need help let them know but just be grateful with where ever they contribute. They technically do not need to contribute anything at all, so if they choose not do not get upset about it. Also make sure FI asks about the rehearsal, do not assume anything. It is probably best he your FI does this alone. If they choose not to contribute cutting back on the guest list is the best way to make the wedding affordable. And if they ask why they cannot not bring Aunt Jane, tell them cause of budget reason you cannot pay for everyone you would like to come. If They really want them let fi tell them they then can pay the cost of the extra guest. Hope this helps.
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    edited December 2011
    This is really touchy, so proceed with caution.  Your FIL do not have to contribute anything, despite what traditional rules say.  I, personally, would not outright ask them for money.  Maybe fish for some support by casually bringing up planning progress and see if they offer.  If not, let it go and plan as if you won't have any additional funds for booze or a rehearsal dinner.  If you must ask outright, have your FI do it since there could be personal reasons associated with their lack of contribution that they may not be comfortable sharing with you and/or your family.
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    ekurtenbekurtenb member
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    edited December 2011
    Thanks girls. I really appreciate your input. I will just drop it and continue on planning within my budget. Thanks for helping me realize what it is I should and shouldn't do!
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    edited December 2011
    you don't need a fancy RD...pizza and some beer would be great!  and cheap too
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    katylady09katylady09 member
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    edited December 2011
    I would bring it up in casual wedding conversation...like if you future MIL asks what the menu will be or something, you could say "Well we want to get ... but we don't think we'll be able to afford it because we don't want to go over budget". That's a good way to invite her to say "Oh, we can pay for the difference" or something like that. You could do the same thing with the rehearsal dinner...just say, "I don't if we'll be able to afford (insert wedding detail here) because we have to have the rehearsal dinner." If there's no offer for money after you do that, I would definitely drop it and just go one planning on a smaller budget. You could always cut down on the guest list or do a more simple menu. You seem to be doing great on your budget as of now. Also, I thought I'd let you know that we did a limited bar for 125 people where we provided the alcohol for about $400.00. We served 4 types of beer, red wine, white wine, margaritas, and we had a champagne toast so you could do something like that. We bought enough for 100 people to have 3 drinks, and the other 25 to have 1 and we still had some left over. Just an idea if you need another option!
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    edited December 2011
    Like the other ladies said, don't assume that anyone will contribute anything unless they say so. Onto the liquor aspect, if you don't want a cash bar because you think it's tacky, you can still provide alcohol without breaking the bank. First, buy your own (don't feel like you have to buy a huge selection, get one white and one red wine, one light beer, one amber beer) If you keep away from champagne and hard liquor you will save a bundle. You could always do one speciality cocktail if you want something to offer, or buy a few bottles of champagne (you would be surprised how many people opt to drink something else). GL!
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