XP: Dad has 3-6 months to live; wedding is in 5 months

ginadog

I gave an update on my dad's recent cancer news: (LINK?)


So talking to my nurse sister on the phone today, I asked, "Do we have any estimate of how long?"  Yes, it's 3-6 months, the number given by two doctors.  I think my family is trying to sheild me, but I kind of need to know this stuff.


What on earth would you do?  I am not sure if it's a good idea to proceed with the wedding.  I still have a few weeks to cancel the venue without a penalty.  I probably would need to make up my mind on this in the next month.  I would be out $300 for the photographer and $300 non-refundable for the cabins.  Not really a big deal.


I am more concerned about the emotional state of my mom, sisters and I if dad passed before the wedding.  Thinking of them having to fly after a funeral would be just too hard.  Ugh.


The thought of him passing prior did pass my mind, but now with actual news it's much different and I am starting to reconsider stuff.



I think we all kind of knew dad wouldn't make it to the wedding, even if the wedding were tomorrow.  I kind of thought he'd be sitting in the living room watching it on video or something.  



FI doesn't even know the 3-6 months yet.  We have to have a talk tonight.

AllyG303

What would your dad want you to do? 

If it were me, I would move it up and closer so that I knew my dad would be able to attend, or at least watch me get married. 

By the way, I'm so sorry to hear that he has such a short predicted time left.  You and your family are in my prayers. 

bridetobe71412

What horrible news. I'm so sorry to hear that you're receiving this news now.

My best advice? Get married now.

I'd say, pick the first weekend you can with your father and family around and fly home to get married. I'm talking, officiant, parents, siblings, that's it. You can always stick with your reception plans in July.

As someone who has lost a father, there's really nothing that can prepare you for how you're going to react to it (even if you know a tentative time frame and are somewhat mentally prepared for it). 

We were told 3-6 months and my father lived for 2.5 years after that. (He also had cancer.) The problem is that stuff like this is so unpredictable (and by that I don't mean that it's an annoyance; I mean it in a "this totally sucks" kind of way).  I would do anything to have my father see me get married, even if it were with a JOP in City Hall. So, that's what I would do if I were you.

Just my two cents. I'm so sorry to hear this news.

ashbug142

Have you talked with your Dad about what he would want or is he able to communicate that with you?  

My Grandfather passed away suddenly before my mom and dad got married and they continued with the wedding because thats what he would have wanted. I asked my Dad if that was hard and he said it was but my grandfather knew about it and gave his blessings so they knew that they should have gone on. 

I know every family is different so definitely talk with yours and see how they feel. 

Hope that helps and so sorry about your Dad. 

ginadog

Well, I just learned of the 3-6 months today because I think everyone is trying to keep the info from me, so that I plan as normal and that it doesn't affect the wedding.  That's what I think.

I did the courthouse JOP thing the first time around and I do NOT want to go that route again.  I don't want to speed things up hastily due to sad circumstances.  I get a second chance at marriage and that is not how I want it to go down.  As selfish as that sounds.  I'd rather elope later this year and post pone everything. 

However, I'm not being selfsish in that I'm mostly concerned about my family's emotional status if he were to die in the next 5 months.  That worries me more than having a wedding for family to witness.  I did it before, I lived, although I really envisioned guests at this wedding.  As long as FI and I can make is special with us two and a nice honeymoon to follow, I would be OK.

You know my parents don't really care for marriage - they think it's a stupid thing to do in general.  My mom still can fathom why someone on earth would get married (her marriage was horrible, to my dad).  My dad always encouraged us to elope, saying weddings are a waste.  But then he said recently if he's breathing, he'll be at my wedding.  I don't want him to fly out in all that pain just to see a wedding. 

I don't think my dad would really tell me the truth because he always wants us to put our happiness first.  I have to fish out the truth from my sisters.

ginadog

Then what if he's really at the end at the time of the wedding?  My mom and sisters wouldn't want to leave him.  They are all in the same area, I am not.

You know I fear if he were at the end, he'd probably encourage all of them to fly out and see the wedding and then he'd go and overdose on his pain meds to end it while everyone was gong, so that no one has to see him die.

He would do that.

mekiakoo

I am SO sorry about this. I can't even imagine. Would you like to talk to your dad about this and see how he feels? Talk with your family too. What would you like to do?

Madisonpenny

I'm so sorry.  I was actually thinking of you today and wondering how he was doing.

I'm not about to tell you what to do, but if it was me I wouldn't even care about the whole wedding in July, although I may not cancel it, I would still have a "vow renewal". I never would have done a civil ceremony but in this case I would so do it for my dad to be there and walk me down the aisle (if he was able to). 
As far as vendors, it's only money, nothing replaces memories and no one wants "what ifs"...
I say take a week off work both you and FI in the next few weeks, fly down to your parents and get hitched ASAP.
Like I said before you can still have a big party in July with all your family in friends.

msbdumas

So Sorry to hear about your dad....my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family !

StephanieToBeKeys

I am so sorry to hear your dad is in failing health. That is very hard even without your wedding so close. Personally, I would try to move up the date, but considering your opinion and your parent's views on marriage that may not be the way to go for you. Given your options I would probably move the date back a bit to give your family time to grieve. The only problem with that is even thought they are giving him 3-6 months it could be totally different. If you push it back and he makes it past the 6 months, but then doesn't make it to the wedding would you want to push the date back again?

My aunt and grandfather were both given 3-6 months after their cancer diagnosis. My aunt made it 2 months and my grandfather made it 3 months.

ginadog

My first instinct is that eloping on our own schedule will relieve everyone from the worries and stresses of trying to deal with both events.  I think they'd be grateful if the wedding wasn't something they would even have to worry about anymore.  I know it's already the furthest thing on my mom's mind. 

But I need to have more conversations with sisters and FI.  My dad won't be honest.

BmoreBride311

I'm so sorry that things are getting worse for him. I will keep you both in my thoughts.

As for the vendors, they may let you move the date without a penalty. Some vendors will if you choose another date they have available. We just attended a wedding that had to be moved up at the last minute, and they didn't have to forfeit their deposits. Could you either move your date up, or push it back a few months?

ginadog

My dad was diagnosed 5 years ago.  However, CAT scans show he's got more tumors inside and outside of the lungs as well as in the lymph nodes.  It is spreading and, those were not there 6 months ago.


The doctors will not do any more chemo rounds or surgeries.  He tried to get them to buy more time, but they will not.  He's already lost 10 pounds in two weeks. 

I really think a wedding is the least of my dad's worries right now (as it should be).  My sister confirmed that she didn't think my dad would want us to change the wedding on his behalf (aka have it in Indiana for his sake).

ginadog

OK, I talked to my sister - she agrees that the wedding is the least of my dad's worries and he would not want FI and I to rearrange anything for his sake.  She said she doesn't want to sound insensitve, but doesn't really care to see a wedding but just wanted to say he was going to make me happy.  It's not his dying wish to see me get married.  I already had this assumption.

She said we should resume as planned.

colleenm18

I am so sorry to hear about your dad, I can not even imagine what you are going through.

This is such a hard decision for you, as people said you have no idea how people will feel/ react once your father does pass.  If you truly feel that your family will still be in mourning then post pone the wedding.  Could you push it back to the fall?  Or even better since your dad has said he will be there no matter what can you move it up a month or two and hope that dad can make it or as you said watch the ceremony on video?

This is something you and FI really need to discuss and make a decision together about it.  No-one here on the Knot can really help because even if they have been in a similar situation it is still different with every death. 

MeaganR12

So in regards to the wedding, it sounds like you're most concerned with your dad dying really close to the wedding and how that would affect your mother and sister, correct? 

I think that would be a concern of mine as well. My FI's brother was given 2 years to live this past august, and I constantly stress about him dying or being on deaths door right around the wedding and his family being annoyed by having to attend. 

I really don't want to sound insensitive with this comment so I hope you take it the way I mean it, but statistics show doctors almost always overestimate when giving a timeline like this. So in all likelihood, he will pass away before your wedding, which sounds like might be the best situation to hope for (besides a miracle, obviously). 

I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. I hope you're able to make it out there to see him soon.

michelle11988

I'm really sorry to hear about all of this.  I would say it sounds like you want to just leave it as and take it as it goes.  I would talk to FI but this sounds like the best option for you and what you/your father want.  In a weird twisted way if your dad does die shortly before your wedding it may give some people something else to think about instead of grieving.  

bridetobe71412

Given all of your follow-up comments, I'd say disregard my advice above and just keep plans as is.

Also, although sometimes doctors overestimate, sometimes they underestimate. As I said earlier, my dad was given 3-6 months (Stage 4) and he lived 2.5 years. You never know.

[Deleted User]

I have no advice to add, but you and your family will continue to be in my thoughts.

littlemoments324

Gina! your way!!!  So sorry to hear the latest news on your dad!!  I honestly wouldn't move the wedding.  I know my parents wouldn't want me to do that.  They would be pissed and probably haunt me because I didn't go through with it as planned! 

I hate to say this, but I think you'll understand that I am in agreement with Meagan...With the way that your dad is now, I hope that he goes as painless as possible.    let me know if you need anything!!!

Elinetrouwt

Gina, i have nothing to add, I'm just really sorry you and your family are going through this.  

BeachLover2885

I'm so sorry you and your family are experiencing this. Just seeing this post now, but my advice would have been to talk to your sister, which you've already done.

Sending good thoughts and prayers your way

k8888

Only you can decide what is best for you and your family.  I don't feel right offering advice since I don't know your situation 100%.  My thoughts will be with you and your family, though, and whatever decision you make, just know you made the best decision with what you were given.

bells24412

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this time.

LADY324

I am so sorry you are going through this right now.  If it were me I would probably just leave things the way they are.  You really can't plan this out.  Suppose you rearrange everything and he lives longer? 

Best of luck to you!

butterflyjumper1

i agree with lady. it is impossible to predict the future. you should do what is best for you and your family.

i am so sorry to hear this news. i will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. please continue to keep us updated.

bblouin

What I would do is have a small ceremony now, like family only and maybe do a restaurant after and have the "big" one in July.  That way he can be there and you know how his health is now.  

ginadog

FI and I talked.  There would be no replanning of the wedding for all the guests (which was just our immediate families and friends).  We'd either go through with it as planned, or just elope later on at our own convenience.  We're thinking the latter at the moment.  Make it our honeymoon since we weren't going to have one anyway since we were trying to make a decent vacation for the wedding guests.


So now my mom is saying it's actually 1-2 months.  I need to talk to my dad as she said he can "feel" how long he has.  He did say he would see one grandbaby arrive, which is coming up, but not the second grandbaby which is just 3 weeks apart. 

We need to fly out there soon.  I am hesitant to call him while at work because I always end up crying.  He said 6 months to my sister, but 2 months to my mom. 

Did I mention I'm trying to finish up my thesis this semester, while working FT? 

My mom said do whatever you want with the wedding, it's just not on her radar. She's also dealing with her 94 year old mother who could also die this year.  Yikes.

LandB2012

I think you and FI are right on track with your plans.  As long as you don't have your heart set on one thing, it will be fine no matter how the wedding does (whether it be elope or go on with the wedding as planned).  Regardless, know your father will be there, even if not physically. 

I do agree that people who are close to the end know when it's coming, though sometimes I don't think they want us to know.  Maybe thats why he's given your mom and sister different ideas.

You, your father and your whole family will be in my prayers.  Tell your FI to give you a lot of extra big hugs tonight from all of us here who can't give you one ourselves.

theholograms

I'm so sorry to hear!

My cousin had a similar situation with her mom - they gave 3-6 months so my cousin quickly planned her wedding and made sure the venue was also a hotel which was near the hospital since everyone knew she would not be in good shape by the time the wedding happened.  Unfortunately her mom passed away about a month before the wedding took place.  Her and her husband ended up getting married in the hospital room so her mom could be there, since they knew she would not make it to the wedding.  They did not cancel anything - even though they legally were already married they still had the ceremony and reception since only a few people were in the hospital the day they officially were married.  

I'll be honest, it was a bit sad for them and the family during the wedding day.  The most emotional part of the day was the father and daughter dance because they just held each other and cried.

However, I have never heard my cousin say she wished she hadn't had the wedding, I'm sure she is glad that she did.  With all that said, if you don't mind being out a few hundred and decide it would be best to move everything back, I'm sure everyone would understand.

natlat86

SO Horrible! First off Im terribly sorry about your father. I am going through the same thing with my father only his prognosis is a bit longer. My father wont be able to make it to my wedding since he lives 500+ miles away and will be across the country regardless recieving treatments ( my sister is my MOH and wont be able to attend either since she is the one that travels to his treatments with him). My sister BEGGED me not to cancel for change the arrangments, said it would make him feel worse... But we are having a second wedding reception in my home state.
 But.... If i were you, i would go ahead and plan a very small family thing at your church (or whatever you wished) and do a small thing before your actual wedding. that way he can still witness his little girl get married, but yet later yall can still have your party and wont be out any money....