Has Anyone Else Noticed....

sarahebrown

A distance growing between you and your single friends since you got engaged??

It seems like the past month or two have really been tough on my friendships. And I'm trying to find balance between my married self and former single self. Meaning, I used to go out and do happy hour once a week with my girls, do hangover breakfast the next day and then shop or do man/pedis together. Since getting engaged and working on our house & wedding, it seems like I have less and less time and desire to do these things with my single friends. And it's awkward a little now when we do get together because it feels like we have less in common now. I mean, they still send me drunk texts about the "hottie" they met and are partying with, it's just I don't seem to want to engage in the same ways with them as I did when I was single. It's hard. Do any of you feel like this too??

PS- sorry for the double posts today, work is slow

rebecca2929

I feel your pain Sarah.  My best friend was married last June and I can count on one hand how many times we've gone out since.  It makes it even tougher since she and her husband have moved to Fayetteville.  We talk much less than we use to because we're both so busy with our lives now.  Our conversations have gone from the hotties at the bar to the things that her husband and my fiance do that drive us crazy...ha.  I hate to say it but it's life and as we get older we grow apart.  My fiance is now my best friend and I love hanging out with him but sometimes you just need that girl time. 

keb2482

I think it always happens.  It happens with different stages of your life.  I am currently recently engaged AND pregnant so there's a HUGE gap with my friends and I.  Hang it there.  You will be able to maintain the friendships that really matter.  Just make sure to also talk about what your friends want to talk about and really try to listen to them.  That is one criticism I received from my friends throughout my life changes.  I'm still working on it myself

Phillyboy06

Sarah, let me let you in on a quick little story.  This is my 2nd go around with walking down the aisle.  I just turned 37 in March.  My 1st, to put it to you bluntly, was a controlling, power hungry, manipulative B!tch! And that's putting it to you lightly.....  I was the first of my "crew" to get married.  I was the first in my crew to have a child(yes, with that controlling ex).  I burned sooooo many bridges with my friends and the two dates I will always have engrained in my head(5/1/05-seperation and 12/1/05-divorce official) were two of the most happiest days of my life! Ok, ok, enough of the "debbie downer" stuff....the point i'm trying to make is that I had to "rebuild" those bridges that my ex basically "forced" me to burn down with my friends.  It took time, but they were there for me and allowed me to do that then, and now, with me being engaged to KSJ10032782, they absolutely LOVE HER!  They are all married now and either have 0-1-2 kids.  It's just that everyone grows up and realizes that you can't do the "party" thing all the time.  "Drunken bar nights" are replaced with couples dinner nights.  Maybe wine and cheese nights.  Things of that nature.  It happens.  KSJ might chime in here, but when I first met her, I was dating a few people and didn't even know if I wanted a relationship.  We never knew it, thankfully, would come to where it's at now.  She lost a few friends that were single at the time and just couldn't understand the happiness that she was experiencing(at least I hope so  ) being in a relationship.  She had the happy hour nights, the shopping trips, etc. too.  She still has some friends that she gets together with, but now there is me, a house we bought, a crazy 11 month old yellow lab puppy, etc.  Life is full of steps and obstacles.  You will be fine.  The friends that "understand" what is happening in your life witll be there for you and with you through thick and thin. 

OBX2011

Philly....what a great story and you drove it home about the fact that everyone grows up at some point and changes from the late party nights to couples nights.  One of my bff's and bm's is the couple that we spent a lot of time with....we do dinner nights, movie nights and have even traveled out of town together.  You tend to let go of all the crazy wild things of your youth and center your life around the more positive people that enrich your life and make you want to be a better person and a stronger couple. 

Most of my friends are married or are planning their wedding...except one of my BM's.  Thankfully, her and I are still very close and I think that has a lot to do with the fact that she is very grounded in her life and has a 12 year old son that she is very much devoted too and marriage just isn't part of her plan right now....or maybe ever really.

And like Keb said, this happens at different stages of life too....college graduation, marriage, children, job transfers out of state, etc.  The friendships that really matter are the ones that will still be around years from now, through thick and thin. 

Philly....we too have a yellow lab that is 7 years old.  She is the love of our life and it's always the three of us...where we go, she goes  

sarahebrown

Philly & PPs,
Thanks for the great advice and stories! I know it's true that your real friends stick around no matter what. It's just been hard feeling like you have the same things in common anymore with single friends.
 
Like, for instance, my single friend that we will call Sally, sent me a text at 11pm on a Friday night saying "Hey, remember that guy Andres? I ran into him and he said hello and he misses seeing you". My fiance was the one, unfortunately, who read the message to me as we were laying in bed (yes, we were in bed on a Friday at 11pm). It didn't bother him but it made me mad. I'm reading it thinking, "why would you text me about some guy from a billion years ago that I don't care about when you know I'm in the company of my guy?" And it's not the first time this has happened. My single friends seem to constantly contact me about guys who they run into that I dated for a short time or just hung out with. It's like, don't they see that I'm happy in my relationship and have no desire to hear or think about any other guy, ever?

I find myself distancing away from them for this reason....do you think I should confront them?

WhitKD711

So I'm sitting at a work training (boooring!!) reading all of these posts and I'm teary eyed because this is EXACTLY what I'm going through. i only have 3 married friends who I feel like I can "talk wedding" to because my single girlfriends seem to always have weird or negative comments to say. It also doesn't help that I'm only 24 (well 25 on July 11 lol) and always said in the past that I'd never get married untill at least 30 and those negative friends keep bringing that up. Very annoying! I've always been kind of "ahead" in the growing up things, graduating college, getting a good job, moving 4 states away from my family, etc. So I am kinda used to it by now. But it would definitely be nice to be able to relate to my single friends a little better, especially now when I feel like I need their support the most. Last month I was up in Boston visiting with my 2 MOHs and ALL they kept talking about was how I won't be so fun and up for anything once I get married. I just don't think I'd ever say things like that to my best friends. Anyway, thanks for these posts everyone. Its making me feel a lot better to know that I'm not alone in this!!

ksj10032782

Geez... glad I'm alone at work today!

Phillyboy06

Sarah that's SOOOOOO tough to call.  Part of me wants to tell you yes, the other part of me want's to say be the bigger person, and just let it go.  I think a couple of things come into play here.  Don't take this the wrong way either as i'm probably the oldest "fart" on this board(37) AND i'm a guy! How old are you?  How old are your friends?  Do you feel as though that you are more "mature" than they are?  Marriage aside, do you feel as though you are at a further point in your life than they are(house,career,etc)?  I mean, i'm not sure what you do for a living, but do you network with people at your job?  Do you work with anyone your age that is married that you might be able to start, if not already, a friendship with?  I'm definitely not telling you to ditch your friends.  But your life is about to change.  Your TRUE friends will realize this and be able to adapt to your situation and respect you and your husband's feelings.  Maybe think about a simple monthly "Dinner night".  I know a month or so back, Kel and me went out with our friends to a hibachi sit down and had a blast.  A few hours there, then back to one of their houses for wine, dessert, and, yes, somehow I got sucked into some beer pong as well. :-) LOL

Oh, and PS*** If I had a dime for being at home in some comatose position on a Friday/Saturday night at 11pm, i'd be so rich i'd OWN a beachfront house in the OBX!!!!  Just part of life sometimes...

OBX2011

Sarah & Whit--I am upset for the both of you that you are experiencing this with your closest friends

Sarah---I wouldn't so much "confront" them but next time they say something about a guy from the past, you could simply say "I don't want you to take this the wrong way or anything, but I really don't care to hear about guys from my past b/c they are in my past for a reason and I'd like to keep it that way"  You know your friends better than I do of course so I'm sure you know what to say and more importantly, HOW to say it.  Would you feel comfortable telling Sally "hey btw, hubby was the one who read that text you sent me the other night"?  Only Y-O-U can be the one to express to them how you really feel.  You are NOT being a selfish brat, you are not being a bad friend, you are not being bitchy....but what you will be doing is telling THEM how YOU feel.  If they are your true true friends, they will take it for what it's worth and move on and again most importantly, respect YOU and FI on this one.  That's the greatest things about true friendships...you are supposed to be able to call them out from time to time, or tell them you agree or disagree or even have a spat.  What kind of friend would you or even myself be if we couldn't tell our closest how we truly feel?

Whit--I feel the same way about one my BF"s that is also one of my BM's.  I love her dearly, I do....but and this is a BIG but....she hasn't been involved with any of the planning really.  She hasn't asked how things are going, what are your centerpieces like, did you get your dress yet...etc. etc.  I KNOW this about her and I have come to terms with it.  I don't want to say it's jealousy b/c I don't want to sound like an a-hole, but really...I think there is a tad bit of that going on.  She hasn't had the best of luck with guys and Brent and I have a very healthy relationship and I think she is envious of that.  Like I said to Sarah, only Y-O-U can express how you truly feel about things.  I always keep this little motto in my head "I can't fix a problem if I don't know that it even exists" So what I mean by that is maybe they don't understand that their not so cutsey comments they are throwing out are somewhat hurtful to you.

I have much love for both of you and really hope this works out.  If not, call me and I will set 'em alllllll straight with a quickness, lol,

sarahebrown

Philly- I appreciate your advice. I'm 28, and most of my friends in question are close to the same age. Although I would say I'm more mature in terms of life experience, they all have grown up jobs, their own place, etc. I think it's more of a jealousy thing to be really honest. They have had a hard time with finding a healthy relationship and they want to put the blame somewhere else.

OBX- You are so right, and so sweet. Thank you.

ChrissieK5

If you're friends cannot be happy for you at one of the happiest times of your life, then they're not a good friend.  I had a friend like this, I've let her slip away because I could honestly care less.  I have too many other important people in my life to worry about friends like that.