January 2012 Weddings

Head of the house

Who is the head of your house you or your husband/wife? Meaning, who takes care of the bills and other major things that go on? In my house it's me. I take care of everything, or so it seems. I pay the bills, the corresponding with the landlord, most of the cooking, the taking care of the cat, most of the cleaning, travel plans, and all of the applying for jobs for my husband and me!

Yesterday I was on hold with the gas company because I had thought they shut off our services and I started crying. I was thinking that I can't take care of all this by myself! It's too stressful. 

Now yes my hubby has more of the passive personality and I'm definitely more dominate but I just wish things were a little bit more even. Any advice on how I can make it this way? Or maybe I just need a better system so I don't get so stressed out.
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Re: Head of the house

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.weddingchannel.com/main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_january-2012-weddings_head-of-the-house?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:5a1804e7-e8c8-4829-9e61-b9d49f3a9b5fDiscussion:ec61fc09-4fcf-4d28-afb5-c97f7525a3d9Post:68ef5e96-4fee-4bf6-8364-7848f58e074b">Head of the house</a>:
    [QUOTE]Who is the head of your house you or your husband/wife? Meaning, who takes care of the bills and other major things that go on?
    Posted by TaraW1979[/QUOTE]

    For the most part me, but we share a lot of things.  I do all the bill paying and financial management.  I also make all the travel plans and decisions regarding health insurance (I did ask her, she said just pick what I thought was best).

    We both do dishes, help with laundry.  She cleans the house.  We both take care of the outside.  I fix all the cars or take them to get fixed.  We both work.
  • edited May 2012
    I can honestly say we are 50/50 for the most part.  However, I do most of the cooking but: 1) I love to cook, and 2) I DO NOT WANT TO STARVE TO DEATH (he can't cook worth a damn Wink).  He does the dishes afterward so that evens it out for us in my mind.

    ETA: Talk to him about how you feel overwhelmed and ask him what things he would be comfortable taking care of on his own.  At first, I was doing everything, but we talked about it a couple months after we moved in together and it has worked well.  Once in a while we have to gently remind the other about some things, but once we started functioning as a team it's been pretty smooth.
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  • Its me.  Only because I am a bit of a control freak and way more organized than J.  I do everything that you listed.  J takes care of the cars.  He does help with laundry and does cook sometimes.

    I would suggest sitting down and listing everything you do.  Then asking him if he can take the lead on some of it.  I usually tell J- "baby, it would really help me out if you can..." That usually works for me. Then I comment on how helpful it is.

    Did you get your gas turned back on?

    Also, he should be applying for his own jobs.  Since I am home now all the time, I will apply for a few for J. but I mostly just send him the link, so he can do it.  I think that sometimes with men (no offense here) when we think we are doing something nice for them, they sometimes just assume that its expected.  (This is true in my house). I make damn sure that J knows that I LIKE to do things for him, but it is no where near a MUST.
  • Great advice! I think I will ask hubby if he can take over some of the responsibilities. Making a list is a great way to start. Jen, I too, am a little bit of a control freak but I need to let go of somethings or I will drive myself crazy! 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_january-2012-weddings_head-of-the-house?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:5a1804e7-e8c8-4829-9e61-b9d49f3a9b5fDiscussion:ec61fc09-4fcf-4d28-afb5-c97f7525a3d9Post:71dd7bc6-5714-4240-b837-9f23b239c788">Re: Head of the house</a>:
    [QUOTE] Did you get your gas turned back on? 
    Posted by hippolover[/QUOTE]

    <div>It was never turned off. I thought it was because I was a month behind and there was a zip tie on my meter but I was wrong. Thank God because it would have been about $50 in fees to get it turned back on. </div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_january-2012-weddings_head-of-the-house?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:5a1804e7-e8c8-4829-9e61-b9d49f3a9b5fDiscussion:ec61fc09-4fcf-4d28-afb5-c97f7525a3d9Post:71dd7bc6-5714-4240-b837-9f23b239c788">Re: Head of the house</a>:
    [QUOTE]Its me.  Only because I am a bit of a control freak and way more organized than J.  I do everything that you listed.  J takes care of the cars.  He does help with laundry and does cook sometimes. I would suggest sitting down and listing everything you do.  Then asking him if he can take the lead on some of it.  I usually tell J- "baby, it would really help me out if you can..." That usually works for me. Then I comment on how helpful it is. Did you get your gas turned back on? Also, he should be applying for his own jobs.  Since I am home now all the time, I will apply for a few for J. but I mostly just send him the link, so he can do it.  I think that sometimes with men (no offense here) when we think we are doing something nice for them, they sometimes just assume that its expected.  (This is true in my house). <strong>I make damn sure that J knows that I LIKE to do things for him, but it is no where near a MUST.</strong>
    Posted by hippolover[/QUOTE]

    J and I went through counseling, and this was an important part for us to learn. I did way too much for him. He would really not be able to survive the more important sides of living by himself. He can keep a house though, cook and clean and that sort of stuff though. It is really hard to say who does what at this point, because we are still living with my parents.

    He really should be applying for his own jobs. He is actually better at this than me.
  • I think sometimes we as women just would rather do it than worry them doing it.  I agree that he should be applying for his own jobs... but what have I been doing for the past 2 hours? Apply for jobs for J. Why? cause he is feel unmotivated, possibly depressed and I am sick of worry about him being unemployed when we move.

    Maybe I should take my own advice....

    Awarm---good to see you back.
  • Here's another thought....if you didn't do any one of the things you're talking about, would he eventually do it?  Maybe not on the time scale you'd like to see it done, but would it get done?

    I think sometimes when something doesn't get done as fast as we'd like it done, they we all have a tendency to just do it ourselves and then be upset that we're doing everything. :(
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_january-2012-weddings_head-of-the-house?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:5a1804e7-e8c8-4829-9e61-b9d49f3a9b5fDiscussion:ec61fc09-4fcf-4d28-afb5-c97f7525a3d9Post:3af93cbb-88aa-481a-919f-52744cd7c533">Re: Head of the house</a>:
    [QUOTE]Here's another thought....if you didn't do any one of the things you're talking about, would he eventually do it?  Maybe not on the time scale you'd like to see it done, but would it get done? I think sometimes when something doesn't get done as fast as we'd like it done, they we all have a tendency to just do it ourselves and then be upset that we're doing everything. :(
    Posted by jtmh2012[/QUOTE]
    <div>
    </div><div>Well as far as cleaning and cooking, yes, he'd do them, but as far as the jobs---no. He has actually forgot about applying for certain jobs  and missed the deadline. This made me so angry! My hubsand forgets things very often. He gets wraps up in one thing and forgets about the other things he has to do. This drives me crazy because I always multi-task. But, I'm gonna have to get used to it because I knew this before I married him.</div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.weddingchannel.com/main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_january-2012-weddings_head-of-the-house?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:5a1804e7-e8c8-4829-9e61-b9d49f3a9b5fDiscussion:ec61fc09-4fcf-4d28-afb5-c97f7525a3d9Post:ef65706d-f964-45aa-acbd-f0e8277cd630">Re: Head of the house</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Head of the house : Well as far as cleaning and cooking, yes, he'd do them, but as far as the jobs---no. He has actually forgot about applying for certain jobs  and missed the deadline. This made me so angry! My hubsand forgets things very often. He gets wraps up in one thing and forgets about the other things he has to do. This drives me crazy because I always multi-task. But, I'm gonna have to get used to it because I knew this before I married him.
    Posted by TaraW1979[/QUOTE]

    I'm having a hard time applying for jobs too.  I just feel so beaten down right now.  I'm miserable where I'm at, but when I look at stuff online to apply to, I just lose the will to do it. :(
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_january-2012-weddings_head-of-the-house?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:5a1804e7-e8c8-4829-9e61-b9d49f3a9b5fDiscussion:ec61fc09-4fcf-4d28-afb5-c97f7525a3d9Post:749e1902-1f68-4696-91e5-c6c725ecce2a">Re: Head of the house</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Head of the house : I'm having a hard time applying for jobs too.  I just feel so beaten down right now.  I'm miserable where I'm at, but when I look at stuff online to apply to, I just lose the will to do it. :(
    Posted by jtmh2012[/QUOTE]

    This is my husand....
  • Also. yes and not on the time thing.  Cooking and cleaning... I can wait for somethings. Like lat night I asked him to do the dishes. He does them all wrong in the dishwasher but since I asked him and he is doing it, I cant evaulate it (outloud.) but then he got all huffy and puffy because we pretty much have 0 counter space to put clean dishes. So rather than deal with his attitude, sometimes I just do it to avoid a talk about how are you feeling...Which leads to a fight at times becuase I am all about feelings, I am a counselor for heaven sake. but he is not.

    Blah, I hear the first 3 years of marriage are the hardest.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_january-2012-weddings_head-of-the-house?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:5a1804e7-e8c8-4829-9e61-b9d49f3a9b5fDiscussion:ec61fc09-4fcf-4d28-afb5-c97f7525a3d9Post:749e1902-1f68-4696-91e5-c6c725ecce2a">Re: Head of the house</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Head of the house : I'm having a hard time applying for jobs too.  I just feel so beaten down right now.  I'm miserable where I'm at, but when I look at stuff online to apply to, I just lose the will to do it. :(
    Posted by jtmh2012[/QUOTE]

    This is me right now too... It is good to be back! Thanks Jen.
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