The Mother to be in law...

LanaSloan

I am need of some friendly advise.  I am newly engaged and at the very begining stage of looking at venues and possible wedding dates.  I have a planner I love and  specific ideas of what we want, but that is really it.

So far everything that we have talked about with our families, mainly my MIL, is getting a negitive reaction since it will not be a traditional wedding. It is keeping us from booking a venue.  We have both told each other that we will be firm in creating the wedding we want, but I am not a confrontational person at all and do not want to put my fiance in that position. I know that I will fold easily and the regret it.

Any advise for how to deal with her nicely without causing hurt feelings. I want her to be a part of this wedding, but not pushing her very traditional opinions on us.  I am already to the point of wanting to call a group meeting and have my planner in on it to mediate if I have too, but I feel like that will be my last resort.

Thanks!

souptin

this depends on who is paying for the wedding...as much as i begrudgingly say that.
if MIL is paying for all or a portion she gets a say.
that doesnt mean that she can rule the wedding-not by a long stretch!
I had a similar concern with my MIL and  it all worked out fine. I suggest listening to her say what she wants, thank her for her opinion and go plan what you want. It maybe wouldnt hurt to try and incorporate some of her traditions in-if you are ok with them, but I found with planning my wedding (which also was not traditional) that it as much your day as it is theres as well and making some small concessions can go a LONG way in fostering a good future relationship with your IL's

good luck!

Jewel224

I agree with Souptin - listen to what she has to say and mention that you'll take it into consideration.  We were lucky that while our wedding was by no means traditional, we had supportive families, some who were first upset we didn't have it in a church, but after it was all said and done, admitted that they did enjoy both the ceremony and the reception despite their reservations. 

Try to keep an open mind with your FMIL and don't refuse any suggestions out right.  What exactly is she having issues with?

estimi

Say something diplomatically, eg: we really want everyone to be happy with the wedding but we also want to have a wedding that we feel is our own too. And [fiance] and I really want to have our wedding [at venue/as a brunch/whatever she is having prob with]. 

If it's important to you guys it's worth saying. Maybe you can show her images of how gorgeous the venue would look from past functions. Maybe she has trouble picturing the venue as what it could be. 

SlothGoals

I agree with what PPs have said the only caveat being that it should be your FI talking to his mother about these things. Since it's his mother be needs to be the one to say something. If you two really are on the same page then it shouldn't be difficult for him to tell her. Don't feel like you're putting your FI in a bad position, it's his mother he should be able to speak to her like an adult.

mattycam

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_canada-toronto_the-mother-to-be-in-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:613Discussion:a13a4657-05a4-49e8-86d2-1b530ac04617Post:8fbc9bf9-4b50-4b64-a6b0-62eab970d324">Re: The Mother to be in law...</a>:
[QUOTE] Maybe you can show her images of how gorgeous the venue would look from past functions. Maybe she has trouble picturing the venue as what it could be. 
Posted by estimi[/QUOTE]

I agree with Estimi. Sometimes images don't do any justice so taking a trip is not a bad idea either (when you guys find the venue you love). No one wants their wedding planning to become a family feud but it's important that FMIL respects what you guys want (especially if you are paying for it whether it's partially or fully).  On the other hamd, there may be some ideas that FMIL may have that you can use or meet half way.

LanaSloan

Thank you all for your time to give imput.  

We sat down last night over dinner and we openly put everything out on the table.  They we let them openly put everything back onto the table... We all made no judgements until we listened to each other.  

It seems like they finaly understood what we wanted and we in return understood what they were looking for. 

We are not out of the woodwork yet, but getting closer to pulling together our ideas to work for all... but I am still not doing a traditional meal or a church service.  We have decided to skip a venue altogether for the reception and host a back yard reception at my MIL house in Rural Caledon, and our vendors that we have hired so far were perfect with the change. We will do the Ceremony at one of the cool venues I have been checking out.

Progress!