Canada-Ontario

Engagement Party & Wedding party attending

Hi Ladies,

My fiancé and I are organizing a very informal engagement party for either end of August or beginning of September in the Beaches where we live. We are tossing around some dates to see what works best for people and we're finding that some close friends (people we were thinking of asking to be in the WP) don't seem to care about attending!!
I've been told to wait a while before asking people to be in your WP and now I'm starting to see why - do you think this is a sign to think twice or am I just totally blowing this out of proportion?

Re: Engagement Party & Wedding party attending

  • edited December 2011

    I think the people who really care about you & your fiance would want to be there for your engagement party.  Personally I would wait till after the engagement party to choose the wedding party.  That might give you a good indication of who you can count on to support you during the wedding planning.  Maybe the people that you originally wanted to be in your wedding aren't necessarily best choices, especially if you can't count on them.  I had a similar situation happen to me and I'm very glad that I didn't choose my wedding party right away because I decided to make some changes.

    The best advice I've  gotten from people was to choose the friends that will love and support and be there for you throughout the whole wedding process and hopefully the rest of your lives.

  • edited December 2011
    Thanks so much ! I never realized how stressful it is to choose your wedding party! There are so many factors because you don't want to hurt people's feelings, you want to include your loved ones (family) but still do what makes you ultimately happy. My fiancé and I are holding off on asking anyone and I'm so glad we are because I'm now noticing how unreliable some friends are. And I don't want wedding planning to involve getting frustrated with people!!
  • Jewel224Jewel224 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Hi Sarah,

    I agree to a point with tmigas, definitely go with people you think will be there for you no matter what.  As I said in a previous post, your bridal party should be made up of people you know will support you during the day of your wedding and the days leading up to it.

    When you say they don't "seem to care about attending" what do you mean?    How were you expecting them to react?  Did they come outright and say they couldn't make any date you chose?  Did they not offer you any congratulations on your engagement?

    Give people the benefit of the doubt - maybe there are reasons for their hesitations or reactions to the announcement of your engagement party.  Are they single or recently become single?  Maybe this just reminds them of how single they are.  Maybe they're not in the best financial situation.  As well, the time frame you've given, end of August/beginning of September, may coincide with vacation/travel plans.  If they're married and have kids it also makes a difference with their planning.  Keep in mind, not everyone is going to be free on the same dates.

    If they've never let you down before, don't let this be a reason to doubt their loyalty to you now.  Again, I agree with tmigas, wait until after your engagement party to decide who you want in your wedding, but make sure you're not basing it on who is going or not going to your engagement party; especially if they may have prior engagements or obligations you may not be aware of.  Base it on the strength (or lack thereof) of your current relationship.  Just because they can't be there for your engagement party does't mean you can't count on them for support.  And remember, weddings aren't just stressful for the bride, they're stressful for the wedding party too.
  • edited December 2011

    Good point!! They didn't come out and say that they won't attend but mentioned the idea that they would play it by ear and swing by if they could...whereas I have other friends that either gave me a definitive YES or stated that they had a previous commitment which I completely understand.

    I think I'm having a hard time with the fact that I am very much Type A and like to have things organized. Part of me wants a friend that I grew up with to be in my wedding party but I know she is not someone I can rely on from past experience and from her reaction to the engagement party.

    I do not want to become a bridezilla and this is why I enjoy these forums because I can throw out some of my ideas and concerns!!!

  • LittlinLittlin member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Advice above is great.  I am also a crazy Type A person who now sees "organized" as a dirty word when people mention it since it happened so often during the planning process, lol.  I know what they really wanted to say.  I was not a "bridezilla", just had my plans and knew what I wanted (but still polite when getting it).  

    PS - I leave near you - upper beach (Woodbine & Danforth)!
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_canada-toronto_engagement-party-wedding-party-attending?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:613Discussion:c083f65d-3d99-4174-aeef-de674bce3266Post:78a270dd-e07f-4f2b-afbe-51a0978faf4a">Re: Engagement Party & Wedding party attending</a>:
    [QUOTE]Advice above is great.  I am also a crazy Type A person who now sees "organized" as a dirty word when people mention it since it happened so often during the planning process, lol.  I know what they really wanted to say.  I was not a "bridezilla", just had my plans and knew what I wanted (but still polite when getting it).   PS - I leave near you - upper beach (Woodbine & Danforth)!
    Posted by Littlin[/QUOTE]

    <div>Yeah - I'm just down the road from you!!! Did you get married in the city?</div>
  • LittlinLittlin member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Yes - I got married at St.Patrick's at Dundas & McCaul and my reception was at the Royal York!
  • lalap69lalap69 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_canada-toronto_engagement-party-wedding-party-attending?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:613Discussion:c083f65d-3d99-4174-aeef-de674bce3266Post:3c1214e8-d5a6-4eac-b7a5-0fc702da3159">Re: Engagement Party & Wedding party attending</a>:
    [QUOTE]Good point!! They didn't come out and say that they won't attend but mentioned the idea that they would play it by ear and swing by if they could...whereas I have other friends that either gave me a definitive YES or stated that they had a previous commitment which I completely understand. I think I'm having a hard time with the fact that I am very much Type A and like to have things organized. Part of me wants a friend that I grew up with to be in my wedding party but I know she is not someone I can rely on from past experience and from her reaction to the engagement party. I do not want to become a bridezilla and this is why I enjoy these forums because I can throw out some of my ideas and concerns!!!
    Posted by hendersonsarah[/QUOTE]
    What are you worried that you can't rely on your wedding party for?  Honestly there isn't that much that they have to do - just buy the dress and stand up with you on the wedding day.  I'd think that even the flightiest of friends could manage that.  I did pretty much all of the wedding planning with my husband.  We did get help from family and friends with some minor details, which was great, but there wasn't really anything anyone else had to do.  One of my BM's went to Europe for two months before the wedding.  She got back a little over two weeks out.  So she didn't come to either of my showers or engage in any wedding details or planning.  I'm still really glad I asked her.  I couldn't imagine not having her standing with me on that day.

    I do think it's a good idea to wait to ask your WP, but I wouldn't make your decisions based on who can attend your engagement party.  Base it on your relationships.  I asked the people that I could call at 3am to bail me out of jail, the people that would be the first ones I'd reach out when something horrible happened.  I think those are the people that you can really count on, regardless of their excitement for weddings and wedding related activites in general.
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  • edited December 2011
    HI Sarah,
    I think there are some very good pieces of advice here.  You should definitely choose the people you want beside you on your wedding day but you should also choose people that you can count on when you need them. 
    Give yourself some time to think about what you want from your bridal party and the people you think would best suit that. Go with your heart and you won't make the wrong decision!
  • LittlinLittlin member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Definitely pick people you love, but know that they may not be by your side every second for help.  One of my BM's lives in New Zealand and was only there for the 2 weeks before the wedding, one of DH's GM lived in England, DH's best man and brother lived in England up to the few weeks before the wedding before he moved back, and even the "closer" wedding party people lived in different cities (and hour + away), except for family.  The other 3 BMs came to one shower, and my MOH helped when I had to assemble all the invitations, and threw me a bachelorette, but that's about it in terms of help.  Your families are usually a better "go-to" when you need wedding planning help and organization.
  • APW2010APW2010 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    This is a tough time of year for a party, any party - people are really busy with summer plans, and we certainly get a lot of mentions of something happening that may or may not firm up - so I can see how it is hard to commit.
    We tried to have an engagement party near Christmas and ran into the same trouble - we actually gave up on the idea at all so few people committed to attending. But, it made no difference to our WP's commitment to helping us. Be careful you aren't expecting too much of the WP - and there really isn't any reason to rush into picking them yet, either way. I just wouldn't factor attending the engagement party into your decision.
  • edited December 2011
    Great advice ladies! I knew I was being a bit too difficult LOL.
  • lisafalon84lisafalon84 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Wedding partys are so funny. I eneded up picking people from all different aspects of my life. Didn't mean for it to be that way, and didn't realize it until someone else pointed it out to me, but each of these people represent something different in me. They aren't my everyday best friends but each of them bring out a different side of me which I love and think will be very interesting!!! I have my best friend from home, my camp bestfriend who I did the craziest wildest adventures with, my neighbour who I grew up with, my to be sister in law, and my oldest friend from when I was a child :) couldn't ask for a more diverse group but I couldn't be more excited to have them up there with me
  • edited December 2011
    Lisafalon: I totally know what you mean! I find that th emore I think about my WP, the more I find myself thinking about specific people that have had an impact on my life. Not necessarily people I see everyday but ones that will always have a special place :)
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