I wonder...

PhiMuLady7

Hi guys! I've been reading posts on other boards and the responses. When did weddings become what they are today? A wedding used to be such a special time for a man and a woman. Now, everyone has to have the perfect colors, the perfect food, the perfect etc, etc. And everything has to be sooo proper. I just don't understand why there is so much pressure on a bride to have the perfect wedding. Many even go as far as to spend their life savings. As long as my groom is there for my wedding day, I could care less about everything else. It's about the bride and the groom. It's a sacred time. I reckon maybe it's because I'm from a small town, but I'm sure glad I'm not one of them brides. 20 years from now, those flowers will have died and those decorations will be trashed. I believe what I'll remember most, is the memories you shared with your family and friends; the laughter, the tears, the embarrasing moments.

Calypso1977

probably in the last 10-15 years.

it used to be that your wedding reflected the financial status of the bride's family.  so, if the bride was rich, you had a fancy wedding.  if they werent, then you didnt.

now, even the people who flip burgers for a living feel entitled to a wedding that costs more than tehy even make in a year.  its asinine.  i have friends who are STILL paying off their weddings several years after they took place and a friend who is currently borrowng money from family members to finance hers she makes $35K a year and her wedding is $25K. 

im convinced taht weddings are just another way to keep up with the joneses.  for years you saw people buying fancy cars because their neighbors had them or taking trips because their friends did.  now you see people with weddings that have to top their friends weddings. 

lisa89760

I agree it can get out of hand but I also think the wedding and the receiption should be a reflection of the couple.  (which i don't believe happens very much any more either)  My FI and I spent money on what we believe is important for our wedding day and then saved on the things we didn't want.  We aren't even having a cake because we thought it was crazy (we are having desserts though!)

I totally agree it gets out of hand but I enjoy going to weddings that are truly the reflection of the couple and not just what they think they are supposed to do. 

Riss91

I think there are people that are trying to show-off for guests and have lost sight of the purpose of the day.

But I don't think that spending a lot of time on the details necessarily means the couple's actual wedding/marriage is any less special to them. I'm sure many would think we had an extravagent affair - but that wasn't our motive. Our ceremony and marriage-prep were extremely important to us and we don't feel like they were overshadowed by our attention to detail for our reception.

I make sure I dress nicely for church each week - and I don't do that to show off to anyone in my congregation. I do it because I feel like I should put in effort to look my best for God. It doesn't distract me while I'm at mass and it would be upsetting if others thought that my choice of attire was solely to keep up with the joneses...

bibliophile2010

As usual, I pretty much agree with Riss.

What saddens me about many people is when they treat the wedding ceremony as the throwaway part of the day when, really, it's the only part that matters. We're putting lots of thought, effort and prayer into ceremony planning, just like we did for marriage prep.

I'm skipping some of the silly parts of the reception to get down to what really reflect my FI and me: lots of friends and family, dinner and dancing (but no games or tosses or silly stuff). He wanted a more "traditional" reception, and I think that, all things considered, we have a nice balance between the expected and the low-key. I think it will be a lovely evening. Will there be some nice details? Yes, because I'm that kind of person. Will there be every bell and whistle the wedding industry has dreamed up? Not by a long shot.

ootmother2

I don't think that many couples go overboard for their weddings.

For me, the wedding is first and the reception second but the reception is where family & friends get together to celebrate the new union.  There's nothing wrong with giving your guests a great reception to thank them for celebrating with you.

I do, however, think that going into debt for your wedding is pretty immature.

mica178

I'd like to think that most of the brides on CW believe that the ceremony is the most important part of the wedding (after all, what's the point of a wedding?  It couldn't exist without the part where the couple exchanges vows).

I agree that the couple should not be going into debt over a wedding.  

However, there's a huge difference between going into debt over a wedding and being a poor host to guests.  I hope that most of the brides find a nice happy medium.  Here on CW, I recall that most of the regular posters advise that if a couple is on a limited budget that they consider a daytime wedding or very small reception.  H and I planned the wedding we could affort, but we did make sure that we had a wedding that would make our out of town guests feel like the trip across the country was worth the journey.  If we had had a smaller budget, we probably would have limited our guest list and reduced the number of out of town guests so that we wouldn't feel that pressure.  I feel blessed that we did not have to do that.

I suspect that on a board like "Reception Ideas" there'd be more of a focus on centerpieces or wedding colors, but that is expected, since that's the theme of the board.  I suggest that while planning your wedding you visit a variety of boards on TK or elsewhere to find the right balance for your planning needs.

Calypso1977

pretty much every wedding ive been to in the past 5 years has been overboard with the exception of my own and that of a friend who was marrying for the second time.  but then "overboard" is a subjective term.  what is overboard to one person might not be to others.  for me, huge WP's, fancy transportation and photobooths  (among other things) is overboard.  but those could be norm to others, particularly those who run in high income/affluent social circles.  the weddings ive been to in the past 5 years have easily been $25K+ and the couples dont have a pot to pee in in terms of owning a home or saving for retirement.  one gal even owes $120K on student loans!

Riss91

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_wonder?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:032f99cc-1e53-443e-951d-d21ee90c8f9ePost:8e63637f-a57f-4b40-adf5-1289480eb06a">Re: I wonder...</a>:
[QUOTE]pretty much every wedding ive been to in the past 5 years has been overboard with the exception of my own and that of a friend who was marrying for the second time.  but then "overboard" is a subjective term.  what is overboard to one person might not be to others.  for me, huge WP's, fancy transportation and photobooths  (among other things) is overboard.  but those could be norm to others, particularly those who run in high income/affluent social circles.  the weddings ive been to in the past 5 years have easily been $25K+ and the couples dont have a pot to pee in in terms of owning a home or saving for retirement.  one gal even owes $120K on student loans!
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

Yeah, I wouldn't risk my financial stability for a fancy reception - that is foolish! We own our home, and have relatively low school loan payments, so we weren't in that type of a situation. But I don't see anything wrong with some of the things mentioned, as long as the couple is being responsible about it. I think my biggest pet peeve is exorbitent amounts of food but mainly because I feel badly that it isn't remotely needed and is going to be wasted.

Calypso1977

well, even when you own a home, $20K could make the difference between whether or not you have to pay PMI or could allow you to refinance to a shorter term mortgage.  so really, if you are paying $300+/- a month towards PMI, that $20K wedding in theory costs you a lot more long term.  and of course, a longer payment term on your mortgage costs more than a shorter one.  so sure, many couples pay cash thinking they are doing really well on their wedding (which they are, by cashing rather than charging) but it still doesnt necessarily mean its a wise use of funds.  i could well afford a $1000 designer pair of sunglasses.  i have cash in the bank for them.  doesnt mean i should actually spend the money on them.

as always, it really comes down to what an individual couple (or their parents) see as priorities.  for me, id rather save as much as possible so i can pay off my house in 20 years and retire at 58 rather than 65+.    id also rather spend money on things like life insurance so that if i die, my husband wont lose our home (and vice versa).  saving for retirement and life insurance are two big things that many couples say they "cant afford to do" yet they have large weddings (or drive a new car, take trips, buy the latest phone/gadget, etc.). 

but i think OP's point is why.  why do they feel a need to prioritize this way.  society and family pressure is strong.  we got a lot of side eyes and grief for not doing our wedding "the right way" and while it bothered us slightly that our wedding was not taken as serious as other family weddings, we still felt good about the way we did it because it was smart for our personal financial situation.  i think many just cant be strong and defy society "norm" or you get many girls who have the "ive always dreamed of my wedding day since i was 5 and i have to have x, y z at any cost".

ootmother2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_wonder?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:032f99cc-1e53-443e-951d-d21ee90c8f9ePost:55fcb7e9-a369-4738-ab28-ca0d2d7e586a">Re: I wonder...</a>:
[QUOTE]I think there are people that are trying to show-off for guests and have lost sight of the purpose of the day. But I don't think that spending a lot of time on the details necessarily means the couple's actual wedding/marriage is any less special to them. I'm sure many would think we had an extravagent affair - but that wasn't our motive. Our ceremony and marriage-prep were extremely important to us and we don't feel like they were overshadowed by our attention to detail for our reception. I make sure I dress nicely for church each week - and I don't do that to show off to anyone in my congregation. I do it because I feel like I should put in effort to look my best for God. It doesn't distract me while I'm at mass and it would be upsetting if others thought that my choice of attire was solely to keep up with the joneses...
Posted by Riss91[/QUOTE]

I agree Riss. 

mica178

I'd like to think that most reasonable people spend what they can afford to spend on their wedding.  I don't think anyone on this board or on most of the boards on TK would advocate a big, fancy wedding over a timely retirement or PMI vs no PMI.

We planned the wedding we could afford.  Was it bigger and fancier than others that I have attended?  Well, yes, but H and I are not fresh-out-of-college kids.  The most important things to me were the ceremony itself and taking good care of my guests (their comfort and enjoyment of the day).  That's pretty much all that I advocate to any poster on TK.  You'll never see me posting that I think a bride should opt for a fancy reception site in exchange for good food or a big limo or chair covers over proper seating at the ceremony.  Does that make sense?

Meg1036

Ditto Mica, 100%.  We're having a fairly expensive wedding, but we can afford it.  We may or may not have fancy transportation (haven't decided if that's worth it to us), but we are having a big wedding party, premium open bar, etc.  And 250 guests.  And sometimes it is crazy to think of all we are spending on one day, but its a pretty significant day in our lives, and we want to host our guests as well as we can within our means.

I somewhat resent the implication that everyone spending $25k on their wedding could or should spend it elsewhere, but definitely not the message that you shouldn't spend money you don't have.

katetw

I think something else to consider are the people besides the marrying couple who are contributing financially, and their opinions. My fiance and I are having a big fancy wedding -- and I'm still in grad school, and a nanny. I'm sure there will be people attending who will wonder how we afforded it, or think that we drained our parents dry. However, we actually wanted a tiny wedding; our parents wanted the big fancy day, for our families and both their and our friends. Do we think the large sum of money could be spent more productively elsewhere? Sure! We own a home, but have plenty in student loans to pay down. We would have loved to have a tiny restaurant dinner and call it a day, spending the money more wisely. However, that wasn't our money to do whatever we want with - it's their money, and they are choosing to spend it on a wedding, not gifting it to us for whatever we want. Therefore, we're having a pretty extravagant wedding, costing more than I make in a year, but I don't think that makes us crass or foolish, or that it will be any less meaningful or special.

ootmother2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_wonder?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:032f99cc-1e53-443e-951d-d21ee90c8f9ePost:6dbf6d9c-9233-4b33-823c-c180c8792dc2">Re: I wonder...</a>:
[QUOTE]I think something else to consider are the people besides the marrying couple who are contributing financially, and their opinions. My fiance and I are having a big fancy wedding -- and I'm still in grad school, and a nanny. I'm sure there will be people attending who will wonder how we afforded it, or think that we drained our parents dry. However, we actually wanted a tiny wedding; our parents wanted the big fancy day, for our families and both their and our friends. Do we think the large sum of money could be spent more productively elsewhere? Sure! We own a home, but have plenty in student loans to pay down. We would have loved to have a tiny restaurant dinner and call it a day, spending the money more wisely. However, that wasn't our money to do whatever we want with - it's their money, and they are choosing to spend it on a wedding, not gifting it to us for whatever we want. Therefore, we're having a pretty extravagant wedding, costing more than I make in a year, but I don't think that makes us crass or foolish, or that it will be any less meaningful or special.
Posted by katetw[/QUOTE]

Kate, don't let anyone make you feel bad or guilty about the gift your parents gave you.  Trust me, it's making them very happy. 

There's a special happiness when you give someone you love a gift that you know they will love and appreciate. 

Enjoy it!

Riss91

Id also like to add that if you were going to spend money to celebrate a special occasion, its much better to spend it on celabrating receiving a sacrament, than say My Super Sweet 16....