Married in courthouse then catholic ceremony next year? Anyone done this?

vwhelan85

Hi, My fiancee and I are thinking of getting married at the courthouse in 2012 for many reasons: insurance, taxes, sick of family wedding drama........We have already sent out save the dates for our catholic ceremony and reception (huge and $$$) in april 2013. We cant just cancel it because I want a big wedding and also people have booked flights, deposits are paid, etc... has anyone done this? I know we can still have the catholic blessing of our marriage which is similar to the original ceremony but how would guests feel if they knew we were already technically married? should we keep it a secret and just have our family know? our priest said he could have a private ceremony for us this year if we wanted then do the blessing next year....but im concerned people may be upset we were already married? what are everyones thoughts ? thanks so much.

professorscience

The problem with the courthouse wedding is that it is not in compliance with the proper form for a Catholic wedding.  Your marriage would not be recognized by the church, which would bar you from the sacraments (not to mention the whole issue of living in sin).  Also, how is having a courthouse wedding with a big celebration later any different from having a private ceremony and then a big celebration later?  Except that with one, you get married the right way, and with the other, you get married the wrong way.  I'm not trying to be harsh, I'm just laying it out there.

I have a couple of suggestions:

1) Don't do the courthouse thing.  Just don't.

2) Relax.  Try your best to just let go of whatever drama is getting to you.  Politely inform people who are giving you trouble that it is YOUR wedding and they can leave you alone.  Feel free to vent here if you need to.

3) If 2 is not possible, why not go ahead with the private ceremony?  I get that you've already sent out STDs and even put some money down on things (reception, I assume).  But it really wouldn't be that hard to just tell people that you "eloped," which is basically what would be happening.  I think if the priest is willing to go ahead and marry you, you should go for it.  You can either cancel the reception or have it (regardless of what kind of etiquette it is), but I know I'd want to have my marriage done correctly, KWIM?

Tami87

If you want the big wedding, I would just wait. As a guest I would be upset if I was invited to a wedding, made arrangements and spent money and vacation time to attend and then found out the couple was already married. Also trying to keep it a secret is a really bad idea. It will get out, and everyone will be even more upset. Plus do you really want to start your marriage with a big lie?

If you really must get married immediately I would take up your priest on the offer to have a private ceremony this year instead of going to the courthouse so you are still in good standing with the church. But don't keep it a secret and change your wedding plans to a celebration of the marriage and don't try to do a reenactment.

mcda04

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_married-in-courthouse-then-catholic-ceremony-next-year-anyone-done-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:0b98781e-cea5-490c-8a4a-c77c1831e92bPost:296c2b8b-4c34-4c77-bee6-2b5f2e5ae951">Married in courthouse then catholic ceremony next year? Anyone done this?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi, My fiancee and I are thinking of getting married at the courthouse in 2012 for many reasons: insurance, taxes, sick of family wedding drama........We have already sent out save the dates for our catholic ceremony and reception (huge and $$$) in april 2013. We cant just cancel it because I want a big wedding and also people have booked flights, deposits are paid, etc... has anyone done this? I know we can still have the catholic blessing of our marriage which is similar to the original ceremony but how would guests feel if they knew we were already technically married? should we keep it a secret and just have our family know? our priest said he could have a private ceremony for us this year if we wanted then do the blessing next year....but im concerned people may be upset we were already married? what are everyones thoughts ? thanks so much.
Posted by vwhelan85[/QUOTE]

You are trying to have a Convalidation Ceremony. The information provided by "Professor" is absolutely correct. see this link for more info.

<a href="http://www.catholicweddinghelp.com/questions/civil-ceremony-first.htm" rel="nofollow">http://www.catholicweddinghelp.com/questions/civil-ceremony-first.htm</a>

I would also encourage you to wait. marriage should never be rushed, you do plan on being together forever so waiting one more year it not so bad.

agapecarrie

A legal wedding does not make a marriage. Catholics are bound to canonical form to actually make them "married" so there wouldn't be "technically be married" before hand. It would be simply civil, which has no power.

Do not do this. This is a public act of turning away from the church. 

meltoine

I did this. My husband is in the military and we found five months before our wedding that his assignment had changed and if we were not married in the next two weeks or so, we'd spend the first 18 months of our marriage on opposite sides of the world. We consulted with our priest and decided to have a civil wedding that week. We had our convalidation ceremony on the date our wedding was originally planned for. The important difference between what we did and what it sounds like you are preparing to do is this: we did not live together, sleep together, or otherwise purport to be husband and wife until our convalidation. Our parents and siblings were at the civil ceremony, so they knew. We did not purposely keep it form anyone and if it had come up, we would have been honest, but we didn't see the need to advertise it to everyone. Because we did not live as husband and wife until after our convalidation, we did nothing wrong in the eyes of the Church and were still in full communion. However, from the content of your post, it doesn't sound like this is what your looking for. It sounds like you want to live together and act like husband and wife without actually being such. PPs are right, this is an egregious offense against the Church and it's not worth it.

bibliophile2010

I really have to agree with others. Either have your private ceremony now or wait until April. Don't do the civil marriage just because you can. As a guest, I would be annoyed, and as a Catholic, I see it as causing scandal (in the Church sense of the word). If you want to go with a private ceremony now, have your reception, but skip the re-do. Wear a pretty dress and celebrate. I honestly have no problem with that, even if it isn't perfect etiquette.

Mel, I remember you from way back, because I have always been impressed with how you handled your situation. I agree, the difference is that you treated your Catholic ceremony as your actual wedding, including not living as husband and wife in any way. I'd love for you to post more again. Also, congrats on LO #2!!

meltoine

Biblio - thanks! I didn't think anyone would remember me, but I saw professorscience on my BMB and thought I'd see what's going on over here. I will definitely be posting more often

Calypso1977

our priest said he could have a private ceremony for us this year if we wanted then do the blessing next year....but im concerned people may be upset we were already married?

it actually looks like OP wants to have a small private CATHOLIC wedding now then just a blessing later.  they will actually be married.

i dont see the point in doing this tho.

professorscience

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_married-in-courthouse-then-catholic-ceremony-next-year-anyone-done-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:0b98781e-cea5-490c-8a4a-c77c1831e92bPost:cf11e5fc-2a61-4900-b9ee-9130c2a151a3">Re: Married in courthouse then catholic ceremony next year? Anyone done this?</a>:
[QUOTE]Biblio - thanks! I didn't think anyone would remember me, but I saw professorscience on my BMB and thought I'd see what's going on over here. I will definitely be posting more often :)
Posted by meltoine[/QUOTE]

<div>I thought we were in the same month.  =)  TB is crazy.  I get cross-eyed over there.</div>

bibliophile2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_married-in-courthouse-then-catholic-ceremony-next-year-anyone-done-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:0b98781e-cea5-490c-8a4a-c77c1831e92bPost:9509e1ca-e153-48fb-b30c-d4ebdc136e74">Re: Married in courthouse then catholic ceremony next year? Anyone done this?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Married in courthouse then catholic ceremony next year? Anyone done this? : I thought we were in the same month.  =)  TB is crazy.  I get cross-eyed over there.
Posted by professorscience[/QUOTE]

Yeah, I've stuck to lurking over there. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-tongue-out.gif" border="0" alt="Tongue Out" title="Tongue Out" /> It's a little crazy.

vwhelan85

Thanks for everyone's comments. We are leaning towards not doing it now though it would be nice to be done with family drama. I appreciate all the suggesstions/concerns!

vwhelan85

It is crazy how this turned into everyone else's day.. Trying to make everyone happy is driving me crazy and now I am stuck with decisions that make me unhappy.....so yes I will try to focus on the sacraments

vwhelan85

It is crazy how this turned into everyone else's day.. Trying to make everyone happy is driving me crazy and now I am stuck with decisions that make me unhappy.....so yes I will try to focus on the sacraments

professorscience

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_married-in-courthouse-then-catholic-ceremony-next-year-anyone-done-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:0b98781e-cea5-490c-8a4a-c77c1831e92bPost:660bc945-f969-468e-a259-1e58301e5ca7">Re: Married in courthouse then catholic ceremony next year? Anyone done this?</a>:
[QUOTE]It is crazy how this turned into everyone else's day.. Trying to make everyone happy is driving me crazy and now I am stuck with decisions that make me unhappy.....so yes I will try to focus on the sacraments
Posted by vwhelan85[/QUOTE]

<div>You really do have to just "stick to your guns" on a lot of things.  It can be a huge pain, but it's so worth it in the end.  Whenever a family member would suggest something, I would tell them that I'd consider it, but that it was our decision.  We did go with a lot of the suggestions we received, and we're happy that we did.  We're also really happy we stood firm on other things that just really didn't matter.</div>

newlyseliski

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_married-in-courthouse-then-catholic-ceremony-next-year-anyone-done-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:0b98781e-cea5-490c-8a4a-c77c1831e92bPost:35208026-ba11-4937-b7a9-4c5dea28a0f0">Re: Married in courthouse then catholic ceremony next year? Anyone done this?</a>:
[QUOTE]It is crazy how this turned into everyone else's day.. Trying to make everyone happy is driving me crazy and now I am stuck with decisions that make me unhappy.....so yes I will try to focus on the sacraments
Posted by vwhelan85[/QUOTE]

<div>Hang in there!!!  It really is tough trying to make people feel included in the process... I fortunately didn't experience this with my family members, but I did have to deal with a friend who made the last month before the wedding insanely stressful with her attempts to "help out."  The big day will be here before you know it and then it will be over and you can have your life back again :)  Sending some prayers your way!</div>