NFP related problem

boogerbearoriginal

I've been charting for a few months now. I estimated out my charts today to next month (wedding day May 1) and the good news is my period will be before the wedding. Bad news - I'll probably be fertile on our honeymoon.

Gah! A honeymoon baby isn't part of our plan since we live in a one bedroom apartment right now and I'm in grad school.

So, should we go against the whole plan and use condoms (which is a bit of a problem because I have latex sensitivity so they can really irritate me)? Pull and pray? No sex on the honeymoon?

Any advice?

ExpatPumpkin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_nfp-related-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:0d52fe76-dfcb-4da7-9482-3a31cba69d72Post:6c8f1967-60cb-4303-8825-747887362445">NFP related problem</a>:
[QUOTE]So, should we go against the whole plan and use condoms (which is a bit of a problem because I have latex sensitivity so they can really irritate me)? Pull and pray? No sex on the honeymoon? Any advice?
Posted by Booger+Bear[/QUOTE]

That's really a decision that you'll have to discuss with your FI. 

If you don't have sex, you'll be following NFP.  I understand that not having sex on the HM would be a big bummer, however :( 

If you use condoms, you will be going against NFP rules - but you'd be practicing FAM correctly.  So how important is it to you to adhere to NFP?

If you pull and pray, there's a really good chance you'll get pregnant.  Are you prepared for a baby?

So it all boils down to what's more important to you:  following NFP rules or not getting pregnant?  It's really a personal decision.

Sorry I can't be more helpful!  It's struggle for us as well...

Jasmine&Rajah

If you and your husband-to-be have prayerfully considering postponing because you have a grave reason to do so, then the answer is not to have sex on your honeymoon.

I can't advise you to use condoms - or to "pull and pray" - because either of those options would go against the teachings of our Church, and therefore, I'd be encouraging you to sin (as Father John Corapi once famously said, "I have to tell you the truth, because I'm not going to hell for anyone.")   ;-)

I'm sure your honeymoon would still be amazing and wonderful; yes, it would be a very difficult sacrifice, but as followers of Christ . . .  that's our life every day.  it does not have to ruin your trip!

I wish you all the best!

Jasmine&Rajah

That should read, "prayerfully considered" . . . I apparently can't use proper grammar today.

[Deleted User]

That is a tough one. I guess that is why we aren't starting NFP until after the wedding and we have time to take the class, etc.

caitriona87

Ditto Jasmine. I know it's hard, I faced the same issue leading up to my wedding, and we ended up abstaining.

We were given a book in our marriage prep called Marriage is for Keeps that has a section with people's personal stories who were in this situation and what they did--some just went for it and conceived, some went for it & didn't conceive, others abstained but they all seemed happy with the outcomes in retrospect. Reading through those helped us decide.

Also, think hard about how you want to begin your marriage. The Church teaches that contraception is a way of withholding yourself from your spouse, and "pull and pray" wouldn't even really be a consummation of the marriage at all. I would advise to begin on the right foot, no matter how hard it may be; I'd be afraid that by starting out right away with contraception, it would be so easy to slide into using it permanently.

I hope that helps; good luck!

GulfCoaster

I'd second caitrona's advice, above, and I'd also advise you to start your marriage off on the right foot (metaphorically speaking) by following the Church's teaching on sex and marriage...  Both the decision to abstain or the decision to consummate your marriage without contraception would be decisions in line with Church teaching, and which one you choose is a decision that you and your fiance should pray about.

I was just barely into the post-ovulation phase of my cycle (by one day!) when we got married, so this was an issue that was very present on my mind during the final weeks of wedding preparations.  Things worked themselves out so we didn't have to choose, but if I'd still been in the fertile phase of my cycle, we had decided to consummate our marriage on the wedding night and then wait until Phase 3 (the infertile phase) to have sex again.  We prayed about it and both felt that we should not abstain, that God knew what He was doing.

Other couples choose to abstain after praying about the decision, and that, too, is a morally defensible decision.  Many couples don't have sex on their honeymoon for a variety of non-NFP reasons -- fatigue, illness, traveler's diarrhea, etc. -- so while abstaining for NFP-related reasons would not be pleasant, it would be doable.  Also, if you've been abstaining this long, I'd imagine you can abstain during the honeymoon (although obviously it would not be fun, and it would be difficult), particularly if that's what you feel God calling you to do after praying about the decision.

That, in fact, is my biggest piece of advice: pray and trust in God.  An NFP teaching couple in the area I used to live in often shared the story of how they, too, found themselves in the fertile phase during the honeymoon.  After much prayer, they chose not to abstain on their wedding night, and indeed, they conceived a "honeymoon baby."  But do you know what?  More than 10 years later, that honeymoon baby was their only child -- they'd never been able to conceive again, despite years of trying.  They always said that even though getting pregnant on their honeymoon wasn't their plan, God must have known what He was doing, because it's possible they would have never conceived if they had abstained on their wedding night. 

Now, I don't share that story to imply that if you don't have sex on your honeymoon, you'll never conceive.  I certainly don't know the plans God has for you and your soon-to-be husband.  I share that story just as a means of reinforcing that if you pray seriously about the decision to abstain or consummate, and follow what you feel God calling you to do, things will work out. 

May God bless the two of you.

boogerbearoriginal

Thanks ladies for all the helpful thoughts. We will definitely be praying about what to do and will probably go with either abstaining or not abstaining and see what God brings.

We really don't want to use contraception for multiple reasons but especially because we want to do this right. 

GulfCoaster - thanks for sharing that story. Its interesting how things seem to happen for a reason. Hopefully we won't be abstaining for the other reasons listed lol!

ExpatPumpkin

GulfCoaster - That is a beautiful story!

blackfire5th

The only thing that I will add is do not pull and pray.  If you are going to use contraception, then use contraception.  If you are not going to use contraception, then don't.  Pull and pray is very ineffective birth control.

Waiting a few extra days to not have sex won't be a big deal in the long run.

Gulfcoaster- I've heard (well, seen) you tell that story before.  Did the couple ever elaborate on why they were not able to conceive again?

Calypso1977

as someone who didnt start NFP until 2 months after our wedding out of fear, i can say with regret that i wish i had started it years ago, and if id been fertile on our honeymoon we would have abstained. 

i guess i view the honeymoon like the wedding.  its one day (or one week) out of your entire marriage.  you will have other days and other vacations and other moments.

boogerbearoriginal

Calypso - I get your point about it being one point in time in our marriage but to me, the day we make our vows is more significant than a random Tuesday evening. Its the day we are first become joined in the sacrament so consummating the marriage is pretty meaningful.

While a yearly vacation is a wonderful time, its just different than the honeymoon. Not better or worse - just different, like every vacation will be different. Some will be more memoriable/significant than others. Our honeymoon may end up on the bottom of the list, but at the time its the first vacation of our marriage so its special, kwim? Not that we have to be boinking like rabbits for it to be special but it just kinda stinks that we may have to abstain.

On a side note, I  agree 100% that charting is one of the best things. I too wish I would've started this years ago. Not just for family planning purposes, but its so empowering to know what's happening with your body.

ExpatPumpkin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_nfp-related-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:0d52fe76-dfcb-4da7-9482-3a31cba69d72Post:99a26c63-2e71-4eb0-a677-ba25fcba2433">Re: NFP related problem</a>:
[QUOTE]On a side note, I  agree 100% that charting is one of the best things. I too wish I would've started this years ago. Not just for family planning purposes, but its so empowering to know what's happening with your body.
Posted by Booger+Bear[/QUOTE]

I agree!  I was just gushing about this to my husband the other night ;)

Calypso1977

i guess when i meant it was one day, that was more in reference to the focus and emphasis that most people place on the day in terms of the party, decorations, meal, and general expenditures that they feel they have to make when really, as you said, its the vows and the ceremony that are the most important. 

all that aside, you dont have to abstain.  and you also may not get pregnant.  you can have sex when you are fertile - it just means you have a really high chance of getting pregnant, but its not 100% guarantee.  but agai, that's the choice you need to make - is the gamble worth it, and how much do you want to put into God's hands.

one thing i've learned about charting, is that there seems to be a pretty large movement out there even among the non-religious.  still makes me wonder why you dont hear abotu it more in health education classes and at your doctor's office. 

Riss91

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_nfp-related-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:0d52fe76-dfcb-4da7-9482-3a31cba69d72Post:a7120092-720d-452d-a6c8-b1275c2ab81c">Re: NFP related problem</a>:
[QUOTE]
one thing i've learned about charting, is that there seems to be a pretty large movement out there even among the non-religious.  still makes me wonder why you dont hear abotu it more in health education classes and at your doctor's office. 
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

Ya know, I was thinking about this the other day...it would have been really great to learn about this in school. And having actual charts and graphs which are things that most kids are doing regularly once they are in middle school. It's like running a personal science "experiment". Especially if they are teaching kids about BC, condoms, etc.... they should at least explain these characterisitics of your cycle. It's such a shame that many woman don't know about it until their mid 20s-30s.

boogerbearoriginal

Calypso - we're doing all the hoopla because, well,  we want to celebrate and because our families/friends want to celebrate but we've definitely tried to make an effort to stay focused on the ceremony as much as the reception (and not blow a ridiculous sum of money).

We talked about it and we will probably just see what happens at least for the actual wedding night, perhaps we'll be more cautious during the honeymoon. If I were to get pregnant it would not be the end of the world, just not ideal with school, etc.

It is refreshing to see the number of people becoming more interested in charting beyond the religious reasons. I know that a woman in my office who is TTC is using charting per her drs orders so it seems to be penetrating the medical field at least with regard to fertility treatments. 

Riss - I knew a girl in college who at the age of 21 thought that women had prostates and didn't believe me at first when I said no that's only men. She was in college for crying out loud. Our education system is ridiculous especially when it comes to the reproductive system. Its really a shame that more women aren't educated about themselves.

samurai21

I'm late to this, but I would not pull and pray. I agree with what some of the other posters said, I would either choose to use birth control or to not. If you 100% don't want to conceive and know you're fertile, then the best thing would be to abstain. But if you are open to the idea if it did happen, though not ideal, then go for it. I'm a little jealous of all the NFPers because I have a condition where even if I could have a child I can't chart. I feel like I'm missing out when I hear everyone talk about how great it is!

Calypso1977

booger, yes, it seems to come up at the dr. when you are trying to conceive, but not just when you are looking at general BC options.  did all those years of schooling not give doctors the logic to realize that if a method is telling you when you are fertile, then it must be telling you at the same time when you are not, therefore it could be used to both achieve and avoid?

GulfCoaster

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_nfp-related-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:0d52fe76-dfcb-4da7-9482-3a31cba69d72Post:88e4b948-a776-4fee-a3fa-296ca8c0822e">Re: NFP related problem</a>:
[QUOTE] Gulfcoaster- I've heard (well, seen) you tell that story before.  Did the couple ever elaborate on why they were not able to conceive again?
Posted by blackfire5th[/QUOTE]

They didn't know -- their only diagnosis after many years was "unexplained infertility."


And, on another point, I agree with PPs that charting is great.  I know my body so well now... I love it.

AriaGoose

Samurai21, have you checked out the Creighton Model?  It's specifically designed for women who may not be able to use traditional NFP due to different situations (for example, I have highly irregular cycles and may not have any temperature change, but I can still use CrModel!)  It may be worth looking into since it is also endorsed by the Church and is an option for women who can't NFP!