Catholic (me) marrying a Protestant (fiance) ... I need HELP please...

cscholz

I have talked to my priest. I have talked to his pastor. Both sides tell us why the other side is better and we should just convert to the others branch. However, my fiance and I have moved past this, love each other immensely, know that as far as before the wedding goes, neither one of us wants to convert because it's how we were raised and how we grew up with God. 

My problem is, I have always dreamed of getting married somewhere different, somewhere totally unique to my fiance and I. Problem. That place is an aquarium. Another problem. Both sides of my family are pushing for an all out Catholic ceremony in a Catholic church and would not be satisfied with a blessing in the church with a seperate secular ceremony in the aquarium. Grooms whole side is not Catholic, but protestant and just doesn't want the ceremony in the church b/c they can't receive communion. (I tried saying, let's do it without communion in the church, but my Dad said absolutely not) 

Do I give up on what I want for my wedding ceremony to please my family and piss off the grooms family, or do I piss off my family and go with what I want and live with the consequenses. I just don't know what to do anymore. 

professorscience

Well, part of what you need to consider is that if your ceremony does not take place in a church, your marriage will not be considered valid and you would be barred from the sacraments.  It's not unheard of for a priest to try to convince someone to convert, but that shouldn't stop the two of you from getting married.  Getting married elsewhere and then having your marriage "blessed" later is not really as easy as some people would have you think (from what I've heard here and on other boards, people seem to think it's as simple as waltzing into the rectory and saying, "K, we're married now.  Bless us, plz"), so your family is correct in advising you against that.

As for the aquarium, I totally get it.  The Dallas World Aquarium is hands-down my favorite place in the whole city.  Can you have your reception there?  That was our plan, but it was too expensive.

Lastly, as far as your dad is concerned, I would talk to your priest about that.  Most people who marry non-Catholics are advised NOT to have mass (my H and I were, even though we are both Catholic, because my family is not) because the marriage is supposed to unite the two of you, and having communion where only one half of the couple can participate is disunitive.  Hopefully your dad can understand and accept that.

FWIW, H and I tried to arrange our ceremony so that our Protestant guests (namely my parents) would not feel completely excluded -- readings they knew, songs they knew, stuff like that.

I'd really encourage you to think about (and research) WHY it is important to get married within the walls of the church.  I think that will help you to embrace it a little better.  Good luck!

Riss91

Hey there! Welcome to the board and congrats!

I think you kinda have to leave your family out of the equation for the most part. A Catholic can marry a non-Catholic in the Catholic Church. That ceremony can be customized like pp said, to use readings that are familliar to both parties. Focus and you and your FI for now, and you can speak to your family once a decision has been made.

The decision here is whether you wish to have a Catholic ceremony and remain in communion with the Church (meaning you may still receive communion and other sacraments) or whether it is more important to you to be married elswhere and therefore put yourself at odds with the Church (not be able to receive communion and other sacraments). Your parents cannot make this decision for you. This is between you and your future husband.

FWIW, you can have a beautiful ceremony in a Church. I know that the idea of a unique location is very exciting, but the meaning of the ceremony is more important. The ceremony is only one day, while the marriage is forever. Having the appropriate ceremony in regards to your faith will effect you for many days afterwards. You can always take pictures at a unique location, or have your reception at an interesting spot.

pittpoint1119

I am kinda in the same boat. My parents wanted a full blown Catholic Ceremony, but FI , his family and most of our friends are not Catholic. We decided that is about US. So yes we made my parents mad, but we wanted it to be about us. Choose what you want to do. Yes the church will not recognize your marriage, but if that is what you want do it. You need to decide how active you will be in the church. I have had friends get married in the church and NEVER be involved. We will be getting married, but I will be the one to take our children if we have any to church. FI will come, but will not convert.

klhuddleston1225

* I posted some of this in response to another post....However, I think it applies and will help. I've also added some to it.**

This is always an interesting topic to read about and hear other poster's responses. I'm on the other end of the spectrum. I'm not catholic. I'm baptist. However, my fiance is catholic. From the beginning of our relationship we have never thought of ourselfs as different or having some division between us because of our religion. I respect his choice of faith and he respects mine. You can't expect someone who was born and raised in a particular denomination to turn their back against it just because they are marrying someone of a different denomination. If you are both comfortable with your decisions to have different denominations of religion, then no matter who is marrying you or what your parents say should effect this. In the end the two of you will be married and will have to live with each other.

Moving forward in planning our wedding, we both knew that we wanted our ceremony to be in a neutral setting (i.e. I REALLY WANTED TO GET MARRIED ON THE BEACH) as to be uniting to both sides of our family. My fiance only asked for 1 thing for our wedding, and that was to be recognized in his church as married. To him it didn't matter what type of ceremony or even the location of the ceremony as long as his 1 request was met. So I understand how you feel about having this dream of getting married at a certain place, but are now feeling obilgated to your faith and your family.

Long story short....to fulfill his only request our ceremony will take place in a Catholic Church. However, the ceremony will be officiated by both my home church's pastor and his deacon from his church. Our ceremony will also not include the Eucharist. This way our ceremony is still uniting both our faiths and respectful or both our familes. It did take me a bit of time to come around to the idea because I wasn't getting married where I had always dreamed about, however, our reception will be at a Beach Club on the Beach...so in a round about way I'm still getting that beach wedding. When my FI and I made our final decision about getting married in the church (however, with the more neutral ceremony as to be respectful of my family and me since we are not catholic) and having our reception at the Beach Club, we were happy about it. It is going to be about who we are as a couple and who we are going to be as husband and wife and as our own family, just the two of us.

NOW FOR THE PARENTS REACTIONS:

I will admit it has taken A LOT for our family's to accept our decision for our ceremony. I say accept because inside our parents wish it would be differently, but they know that this is what my FI and I want. And both of our parents took our decisions competely differenlty, too!

FI Parents:
Don't get me wrong it took MANY conversations of explaination to his parents for them to "accept" it. Which included expaining how could our ceremony be uniting to my FI and me if a part of the ceremony excluded me or caused segregation of my family because none of us would be allowed to recieve communion. Yes, there were many hurtful, naive, and disrespectful comments made to my parents and me from my FI parents.I can remember several horrible conversantions with my FI parents screaming and yelling at us about their not being communion in our service. However, in the end my FI and I stood our ground. This wedding is about us and we are the ones getting married, it is not about our parents they have already had their wedding day. Also, my FI has had to deal with a lot from his mother and her horrible behavior through out this whole wedding planning process. However, I pray that one day they will come around and truly understand our intentions instead of merely "accepting" it.

My Parents.
Thankfully, my parents were a lot easier to talk to about being married in a Catholic Church, because to my parents it doesn't matter where we are married it's the fact that we are including God in our ceremony and in our marriage. Even though they would of rather our ceremony be in our Baptist church, they at least respected our decision, without confrontation. My parents also really appreciated that we took my side of the familie's religion into consideration of planning our ceremony.

My advice to you, is to do what is best for your FI and you as a couple together who will be united in marriage and become your own family. If your FI and you choose to getting married at the aquarium -- It may be hard telling your parents "no", but it will be a lot easier than seeing the disappointment in you FI eyes, and seeing him be uncomfortable on your wedding day if you choose to go against his wishes. Remember he is a part of that day, too. He may not have dreamed about it since he was a little girl like we all have, but he does have hopes and visions for the wedding too. In my opinion he will admire you even more if you respect his wishes and his opinion about your ceremony. Your parents will always love you no matter what you do, even if they may not be happy with your decisions, they will still be there supporting you at the end of the day. However, showing your FI you care about his feelings about the ceremony will go far in the growth of a happy and successful marriage. Part of becoming married is for your FI and you to separate yourself's from your parents and join together in making decisions that are what is best for the two of you and your future marriage together.

Now, if you do decided to follow through with your parents wishes for the ceremony and have it in a Catholic Church. In my honest opinion you'll be much better off with respecting your FI and FI's family if you respect their religion and not make them feel segregated or left out in any way, which means if they are not comfortable with having communion because they would not be able to take communion, then don't include it. Not only is your FI becoming a part of your family, you are becoming a part of your family and nothing is worse than having a bad relationship with your in-laws. You may still upset your parents if they are set on having communion at your wedding like my FI's parents were, however, it all goes back to the wedding is about your FI and you being united. I guarentee that with time and explaination to your parents they will come to "accept" it and be there to support you and they will never stop loving you. An important thing to tell your parents that even though this isn't the wedding they had pictured for you, it is the wedding your FI and you want; and that sometimes a part of the process includes compromising. Eventually, your parents will come to realize in their minds that "well at least she is getting married in the church."

I hope this helps!! If you have any questions feel free to rack my brain, because by know I've been there and dealth with it!

agapecarrie

Unfortunately, there seems to be some misunderstanding that even though a marriage happens in a catholic church, if it doesn't have communion, they think it isn't valid. This is simply not true. 

If a deacon or priest witnesses a marriage in a catholic church, it is presumed valid, inside a mass or not.  I wonder if these outrageous reactions that are happening would happen if they trully understood this point. 

Also to clarify, no other clergy outside of the catholic church can "officiate" along with a priest/deacon at a wedding in the Catholic church. They can do things that lay people do (a reading, intercessions, witness), they may be given the opportunity to say a special blessing prayer, or a few words, but that is all.

klhuddleston1225

agapecarrie - it may be that case in some churches, however, my pastor is co-officiating with my FI's deacon in a Catholic church.

agapecarrie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_catholic-me-marrying-a-protestant-fiance-i-need-help-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:1121c378-e824-4eeb-9f2c-56f25cda9b9cPost:1209574f-f496-4419-8617-066ee0afff51">Re: Catholic (me) marrying a Protestant (fiance) ... I need HELP please...</a>:
[QUOTE]agapecarrie - it may be that case in some churches, however, my pastor is co-officiating with my FI's deacon in a Catholic church.
Posted by klhuddleston1225[/QUOTE]

<div>It's not a parish by parish rule. This is actual canon law across the board. THe only way a non-catholic person can participate is as a lay person, NOT an officiant. If this priest is allowing something more, then he should be reported to the bishop. It is strictly not allowed. </div>

klhuddleston1225

agapecarie - I don't want to cause an arguement. I was simply giving the person who orginially posted a bit of insight in relation to my wedding. By all means I do not profess to know or understand all of Catholism. I do have some small knowledge of what the canon law is and its place as far as being the rules of the church. However, from my personal experience just in the short time that I have been trying to plan my wedding I have experienced how two churches that are of catholic denomination can hold differnet standards and stances on some of the same rules. I've also experienced having different rules as far as how they perform ceremonies. I'm not saying your wrong. I'm not saying that the canon is wrong. All I know is from my experience that not every church follows the canon to an exact t.

agapecarrie

Yes, what you say is true.  Some rules are enforced more strictly than others.

But what you are talking about is an extremely serious problem that could invalidate the marriage. this isn't just a small little issue like allowed music.  

professorscience

Carrie, I'm just making assumptions, but I would imagine that is what this pastor is doing -- serving the roles a layperson would serve.  To a Protestant, it would likely seem as though he was "officiating" just as much as the priest is.  klhuddleston didn't really give any indication as to the extent her pastor would be participating, so it seems unfair to jump to the conclusion that laws are being broken here.

agapecarrie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_catholic-me-marrying-a-protestant-fiance-i-need-help-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:1121c378-e824-4eeb-9f2c-56f25cda9b9cPost:b9dbdea0-74bc-4f82-a5eb-50114310dfa8">Re: Catholic (me) marrying a Protestant (fiance) ... I need HELP please...</a>:
[QUOTE]Carrie, I'm just making assumptions, but I would imagine that is what this pastor is doing -- serving the roles a layperson would serve.  To a Protestant, it would likely seem as though he was "officiating" just as much as the priest is.  klhuddleston didn't really give any indication as to the extent her pastor would be participating, so it seems unfair to jump to the conclusion that laws are being broken here.
Posted by professorscience[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm not jumping to any conclusion. I actually clarified that in the beginning that its impossible for there to be a "co officiant" as she was saying. She corrected me to say that it was.   Whether or not its really happening that way, the language is very important, and it could cause a huge scandal and possible be a big problem for the priest, or their marriage down the line. </div>