Restrictions at ceremony

kgirten1

Hi,

  We met with our priest today to go over the basics of the wedding ceremony.  It blew us away and really gave us some things to think about.  The Catholic wedding ceremony leaves almost NOTHING to customize.  WE are the ones getting married, but it's pretty much a scripted ceremony.  We have the "Together for Life" book but there are literally like, 3-4 options to choose from and that's it.  We were told we are NOT allowed to have a unity candle.  Also, we really believe that we should be writing and saying our own vows, yet there is no room for that.  In addition, the music all has to be from the religions music book in the church.  We walked out of there feeling so limited we don't know what to do.  At this point, we're thinking of converting.  Some of our family is Methodist, and while their beliefs are similar, we would have the freedom to make it our own ceremony.  Any thoughts? HElp?  Did anyone else feel that way?

saacjw

Are you thinking of converting just because of your wedding, or because you prefer the Methodist Church/ dislike the Catholic Church for important doctorine issues? If it's the former, at least in my oppinion, it's a bad reason for conversion. Don't convert because of one day. (I'm not discouraging conversion in general though)

One of the things with getting married in the Catholic Church is that you do need to expect an amount of formula for the service. The church is one of the oldest continual institutions in the world and changes slowly, and has a consistant script for nearly everything, so it shouldn't really be surprising that it's like this for a wedding too. If you want to highly customize your service, maybe you should look into having it outside of the church, even look into doing something like getting a friend to become ordained to do weddings. 

If you do decide to do the Catholic service, I'd recommend looking at the things that you can do, at least with the music, you might be surprised at the actual variety of what is in those books, especailly if they are played without lyrics. The things like the readings that are selected are pretty standard across most Christian weddings, so odds are, you'd choose them at any church. You maybe could do things like the unity candle at the reception (like after you're announced, light it and then announce dinner or something). At the end of the day, it will be your own ceremony because it's you and your FI and your guests will care more about you and him than what actually goes on in the ceremony. 

Good Luck with what you do decide!

monkeysip

Before FI and I were Catholic, we dreamed of a very non-traditional, outdoor wedding with some special secular songs playing, and our own written vows.

When we converted to Catholicism, we were a little disappointed that we couldn't have any of that, but we were WAY more excited to have a real Catholic wedding, in a sacred church and with the holy eucharist.

Honestly, you just have to ask yourself what is more important?  Your wedding vision or your faith?  Is Catholicism important to you both?  Do you practice Catholicism now, and do you intend on continuing to practice Catholicism and raise your future children Catholic?  If the answer is yes, then you need to put aside the wedding dreams of your past.  If not, then think hard about what religion, if any, you intend to practice, and get married within that religion (or in no religion).

In the Catholic Church, a wedding is not just about the couple but about the church community, and most importantly, God.  They say a true Catholic marriage is between three people--you, your fiance, and Christ.

The Catholic wedding is designed to be a sacred, solemn ceremony.  You are saying the same vows many Catholics have said through out history and around the world.  You are performing these acts to sacred music that praises God and his creation.  And if you choose, your ceremony can also include the blessed sacrament--the eucharist.  The eucharist is a much stronger sign of unity than a candle.

You still have opportunities to make this wedding your own.  You can choose which sacred songs to play.  You can choose your gown, your decorations, your flowers.  The reception is a chance for you and your FI to really show your personalities.  But the wedding ceremony itself reflects Catholic tradition.

Tami87

While Catholic weddings can be a lot more structured than weddings in other demoninations, I feel like it will still be personalized to my fiance and me.

I haven't seen the new together for life book (our priest just told us some of the opening and prayers and blessings choices have changed with the new translation), but from the one I have I felt like there were quite a few options.

We have chosen readings that are meaningful for us, and that I will think will be different from what I have seen at most weddings (Catholic and Protestant). Also often couples are allowed to write their own prayers of the faithful, so maybe you can add your own touch there. Also there really are quite a few music options even with just chruch music. Also you could consider hiring people to play instruments and just do instrumental versions of the songs, or you can hire singers to make it sound different than a typical Sunday mass depending on who you have.

As for writing your own vows, while I know it isn't the same maybe an alternative is to exchange a private letter with your husband the day of the wedding with the sentiments you want to express. Also I have known some priests to ask the couple to write letters to or talk about what they admire in each other and then he read excerpts from them during the homily.

As for converting because of the restrictions, I really don't understand this. It seems like being Catholic really isn't that important to you. If that's the case I would encourage you and your FI to talk to eachother about what role faith and religion will play in your future together and how you plan to raise any children. I feel like this is a big decision and should be given proper weight and not be a result of the fact that everything couldn't be according to your vision if you got married in the Catholic church.

bibliophile2010

I understand that for some brides who have never considered that their wedding would be anything but what they see in the movies or other weddings, the idea of having a "cookie cutter" mass seems upsetting, but really, it will be ok.

Your wedding is about a lot more than you. It is about receiving one of God's sacraments and becoming a symbol of God's love for his Church. That's a big deal, and that's why the Church provides strict rules about what happens when they peform their sacraments. Everything happens according to formula, not to stifle creativity, but to keep it universal.

My husband and I received TONS of compliments on our wedding liturgy, because we poured our hearts into choosing the elements. The readings (we were allowed a different Gospel selection, and I know other ladies have gotten various alternatives for other readings; I also think the Together for Life readings are wonderful if you give them a chance) were things that spoke to us, who we are as a couple and what we seek to become in our marriage. The songs were selected because they are meaningful to us. We oozed "us" in the ceremony, even though it was a Catholic mass. We did not have a unity candle, and no one missed it. I still get warm fuzzies thinking about it.

Check out the Catholic weddings site that Riss put together. It is linked in the sticky at the top of the Catholic Weddings board. See if anything in there speaks to you and your fiance. Talk calmly to the priest and music director. Ask lots of questions. You might be surprised by what they can help you come up with if you approach it from a calm point of wanting to work with people instead of being upset.

Please, do not leave the Church just because of this. If you have genuine concerns about doctrine, I encourage you to pray and learn about your faith. You might find that by opening yourself to understanding those things that you do not, you will draw closer to God, deeper in your faith, and more willing to accept other things that you do not now. Take issues one at a time and see what the Holy Spirit does with your heart. If, at the end of that, you truly do not believe that what the Church teaches is true, that is the time to move on.

Riss91

Hi! Welcome and congrats on your engagement! Sorry you're feeling frustrated about your options at the ceremony.

Unfortunately, because many brides and grooms (and their priests) have taken advantage and abused liberties, many churches have restricted the contents of the ceremony. You could try a different church/priest that might be more lenient, but some of your requests are attempting to actually change the ceremony. That is not something that the Church is going to allow. Think of it this way: the government doesn't allow you to change their laws/rules to suit your wishes - it's the same thing.

PP is absolutely right - if you believe in Catholic doctrine, you should be married in the Church. If you don't, then you shouldn't be. That is really a completely different issue. I wouldn't walk away from the Church over a few little things that only affect one day.

If there are biblical passages you would like to use that are not in the book, I suggest copying them and sending your priest an email, requesting to use it in the ceremony. He shouldn't have a problem with that. The same with the music. If you find religious music that you really love, I would ask the music director if you could use that. As long as it is in line with the Church's teachings, and the musician is capable of playing it, there shouldn't be a problem. For some ideas of what other brides on this board have used, check out our website HERE

As far as the unity candle and the vows - since they are not Catholic in nature and not part of Catholic doctrine, it makes perfect sense for them to be excluded from the Catholic ceremony. This doesn't mean you can't do them at all on your wedding day. Many brides in your position have done them at their receptions or in-between the ceremony and the reception with a small group of close family and friends.

Bottom line - if your faith is really important to you, these things aren't a big enough deal to walk away from your faith over. Do your research and identify the specific readings/music that you'd like and present them to the priest. I hope it goes well for you!

professorscience

It can definitely be a shock to someone who has never seen a Catholic wedding, but it really is easy to personalize the ceremony, just as some other people have said.  My husband and I, like Bibli, pored over the readings and talked about them often before making our final decision.  The really personal part of our ceremony came from the homily (of course, this depends on your priest) -- the priest asked us to email him a few words on why we chose each reading, then gave his own thoughts.  Our largely noncatholic guests kept complimenting us on it because of the personalization with our thoughts on the readings.

I like the suggestion of asking if you can use other readings if the ones in the book don't speak to you.  It's important for you to realize that the church is not trying to restrict you or rain on your parade.  As PP said, this has been tradition for a very long time.  I found the together for life book to be so helpful -- can you imagine trying to choose readings with little to no guidance?

lisa89760

I was a little disspointed when I spoke with the wedding coordinator for the first time I met with her because I felt like she gave me a list of everything I couldn't do (i.e. unity candle, which we didn't even want but I was frustrated with what I couldn't do, how people had to walk down the aisle) I even talked to the priest (my uncle) and he wouldn't budge about the walking down the aisle thing.  But he did say you can pick readings outside of what is in the together for life book and we wrote our own prayers of the faithful. 

I also worked with the music director and had different songs than were normally played.  (i.e. morning has broken is a hymn, but it was also a song my mom used to sing all the time when i was little, so I used it as the song the BM's walked into, which you don't normally hear at a wedding). 

In the end there are so many other things you can coordinate and choose about your wedding (dress, reception etc) that I didn't stress too much about it.  Plus I really enjoyed saying the vows that have been said for so long and participating in a ceremony that has been done so many times.  Plus with so many of my friends getting married outside, destination, etc our wedding seemed like the more unique one!  (Not saying there is anything wrong with any other wedding)

lmeade62

As PPs have said, we found there were many, many things we could customize about the ceremony. There were many options for prayers, readings, and vows, and it was without a doubt, one of the most beautiful ceremonies I've ever been to.

We also were allowed to choose much of the music we used - though it was all classical, such as Ode to Joy and Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring, but we also were allowed to use Ashokan Farewell and a few other classical songs that we both loved. We also chose our own song for the presentation to the Blessed Mother (but we loved the Ave Maria we chose), and for the meditation after communion.

If you can set aside your understandable disappointment for just a moment, and take a look at the readings and the prayers that you can choose from, I think you will see how beautiful and sacred the ceremony is. Then you can use all the personal touches you want for your reception.

Best wishes - 

Linda

[Deleted User]

If it's really important to you, your priest can help you get a dispensation to marry in another Christian church. You would need to work out details with the other church first, of course, but that is an option.

bibliophile2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_restrictions-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:1b4658c0-5579-4140-af83-7c5297ea2720Post:87357270-c631-41e2-b64e-00b6b55d367d">Re: Restrictions at ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]If it's really important to you, your priest can help you get a dispensation to marry in another Christian church. You would need to work out details with the other church first, of course, but that is an option.
Posted by MsMichal[/QUOTE]

A dispensation is unlikely to be given because a couple just does not like the litrugy of a Catholic wedding. Dispensations are given where there is a just reason for the couple not to be married in the Church, often involving mixed-marriages, especially where the parent of the non-Catholic is a member of that faith's clergy. Dispensations are not to escape the rules that govern the Church, but to help those who have a genuine reason not to be married in the Church have a valid marriage and remain in communion with the Church.