Finding a Church frustrations

chelseamb11

So FI and I live about an hour and a half away from where we grew up.  Between hunting and other stuff, we are RARELY in town, so our search for a church here has been very slow.  He was out of town this weekend but I checked out a new one, but it also sucked.  Drumset.  Need I say more?  I mean come on.  How do people find that appropriate in a church service?  I can slightly get on board with it for the opening and closing songs. But NOT through everything else, Alleluias included.

It's frustratin because of all the churches we have looked at either we love the church and the priest isn't the best, or we love the priest but the church isn't the best.  There are still 5 more we haven't checked out within reasonable range, so hopefully we will find one soon.

But it got us thinking.. in the end, what is more important?  A good church or a good priest?  Is it more important to have a spiritual, guiding priest in a church that doesn't feel as conservative?  Or is it better to be in a church that follows more what you feel like church is, even if the priest talks too fast or doesn't feel like he's that excited to be there?

agapecarrie

Priests get moved. The church is the community. The walls of the church are symbolic of that. 

and Psalm 150.

We have drums at some masses, and the priests are orthodox. The chuch allows it.

[Deleted User]

Fortunately, we had the best of both worlds.

But I would say go for the church and the feel of it. If it is beautiful, you are going to have some great pics. The priest will simply preside over the wedding, but remember it is the husband and wife that do everything else. The priests name on your marriage license won't mean much down the road, but when you pass the church you were married in, it will mean a lot to you.

mica178

I'd go with the church that you prefer.  Priests do transfer, and if the parish is large enough, it might have multiple priests, so you might just need to pick a different time to attend Mass.

Riss91

I can understand your frustration as there are such large variations in how our masses are performed and it can be difficult to find a church that embodies your view of the faith. The good thing is you don't need to include anything "extra" in your ceremony that you do not like. If you don't like how music is done in one church, you can simply work with the music director to alter the music to your style.

To me, the priest is the most important part as he is performing your ceremony and handling your pre-marital counseling. I would find a priest you like first. Many times you can have a priest from one parish perform the ceremony in another. That is what we did. We also brought in our own musicians. It won't be a problem at all!

chelseamb11

Oh this isn't WR, sorry I should have clarified. We are getting married in our hometown.  We're just on the hunt for a church in general to attend.
But that does make sense on the priest getting transfered thing, I hadn't thought of that. 
Even if drumsets are allowed, idk it just gives me this feel of being at a concert or something.  At the church I went to yesterday, the clapping after the closing hymn didn't help either...

Calypso1977

go for the priest.  to me, a priest makes or breaks a parish. find one who is in line with your beliefs and ideals and who will give you the guidance you need and who you will want to guide your children who will most likely make their sacraments in that parish.

bibliophile2010

I agree with others. You have to go with the overall package that feels best.

Also, judging a priest or parish on one mass and one homily doesn't seem fair. For example, my parish has a priest who I really like and who is a good spiritual guide, but his way of celebrating is neither happy-go-lucky nor super-solemn. I can see how if you went to one of his masses, you might not enjoy it without getting to know him.

If you like the overall feel of the parish, I would give it another shot. Maybe there is another priest there who you prefer or another mass with different instrumentation (most parishes around here have a mass or two with contemporary music and a mass or two with more traditional music).

caitriona87

In general I would say that orthodoxy is most important but there are a lot of elements that go into that. While it's true that priests come & go, the pastor is the leader of the parish and it seems that he sets the whole tone. A holy & reverent priest is such a treasure. And especially looking forward to when you (general you) are bringing young kids to Mass, the orthodoxy (or lack thereof) of a particular priest could have really devastating consequences for their faith. (Hopefully this is extremely rare but I know of two churches in my old city where it was far from guaranteed.)

That said, DH & I are also big on the aesthetics--he is really into the music and I would *love* an older church with traditional architecture, etc. Neither of us can stand drums at Mass so I sympathize there, totally. We like chant and polyphany or traditional hymns.

Of course, there is nowhere in our diocese that has it all. We go to the Tridentine Mass, and there's only one, so that makes our choice easy. We like the priest. It's in a side chapel which is positively space age-esque, but we can't have it all, lol.

Riss91

Oops - sorry!

I wouldn't be able to attend a church where I felt the mass wasn't being celebrated properly (in my opinion, the way I feel comfortable celebrating). I would keep searching until you find one that is for you. We attend a church that isn't even in our geographical diocese, it's a 35 min drive, because we really feel it is the best place for us.

I agree with pp that attending more than one mass is important because you can have more than one style in one parish. I would also speak directly to the priests at the parish about what is bothering you. You might not be the only one, and perhaps they can alter the style of one of the masses to accommodate.

Priests do transfer, but they set the tone, so I do think it is important to find a priest that is closely aligned with how you believe the faith should be portrayed.

lalaith50

I find that usually the priest and church are pretty similar...An excellent priest will naturally draw people to his parish who are like-minded. So I would say, if you really think they're different, then find a priest who is wonderful and holy, and I suspect that his parish will be changing to be wonderful and holy also.

(Take the example of my parish- 6 years ago my wonderful pastor was plopped down into the most anti-orthodox parish in the entire diocese-- literally- the last sermon preached there before he came was on why women should be priests!-- so he gets moved there, and everyone hates him, but over the past several years since then he has completely changed it around. Partly by helping to convert lukewarm Christians already there, but also be providing a liturgical oasis for many other Catholics, many of whom drive more than 30 minutes to be parishioners there.)

This reminds me of the issue of canon law and "territorial parishes." Technically you are supposed to be a parishioner at your "territorial parish," which most people don't think about. As FI and I get married and start a family together, I'm sure we will have to deal with this issue... I wish it were as easy as "just be a member at the parish you're supposed to-- the closest parish!" but unfortunately because so many priests DO take the liturgy into their own hands, and bring their own personal ideas and innovations into it, it's not that simple. 

And I think it becomes even more complicated when you start having kids--since while you might be able to be like, "well, Father Happy-go-lucky really said some borderline things in his homily today..." you as an adult can be like, "that's not right, but it was still Mass, etc." But what about when your kids are like, "why does Father act like that/say things like that, etc?" Kids learn so much by example, and I feel very strongly that there should be no question about how they are able to look up to and respect the priests in their lives without having bad examples.

(wow, getting off track! sorry!)

Anyhow, I was thinking all that through, because even if a priest does get moved, I think that given the sad state of music and liturgy in so many churches, if you were to find a wonderful priest and a good parish, and then he gets moved, and the "regime" changes, and not-so-good things start happening, then I really don't think it's such a bad thing to find a new church again; unfortunately it may be necessary.

Kate61487

I second the suggestion to attend more than one mass before crossing a parish off your list.  The parish I grew up in, for example, has 3 regular celebrants and frequently has visitors celebrate the mass as well - so depending on which mass you go to you might have a completely different experience.  We also have 1 mass (out of 5 each weekend) that is specifically geared toward the Life Teen program and has the drums and guitars, etc.  The music during the other 4 masses is much more traditional with only the organ.

chelseamb11

Those are all very good points.  I really appreciate the input ladies!

sbelle85

I also get very frustrated with the increasing laxity of Mass. I strongly dislike "contemporary" services and LifeTeen Masses where it's designed to feel like a concert and the focus is on the people "performing" and the "audience" instead of on God. I hate the "me-me-me" tone of the LifeTeen services I've attended at our local parish and very contemporary masses. The attitude I get is something like, "This is about ME being entertained. This is MY time to shine, performing on a stage to applause. This is about how God fits into MY life."

I recently attended a contemporary Mass where they actually changed the words to the Lord's Prayer so that they could put it to the beat of drums and guitars and sing it as a rhyming pop song that "conveyed the same message". I was very offended, and I feel that as these churches become increasingly casual, they are leaning away from the accountability and structure that I love about Catholicism and more towards the "anything goes, as long as it makes you happy!" mindset of some of the more popular non-denominational and evangelical churches that are appealing more and more to teenagers and college students these days.

I would say choose a church where the general atmosphere and behavior of the parishioners fall most in line with what you believe and feel comfortable with. It should be a church that you would feel comfortable raising your kids in some day. I will not attend a church that I feel uncomfortable in, or that I feel conducts Mass in a way that is not true to how I practice and understand Catholicism, regardless of how much I like the priest.

agapecarrie

For the record, lifeteen masses are not designed to feel like a concert and performance. Unfortunately, some people don't know how to do it well, and it comes across that way. Maybe even some of them have a performance attitude, which is wrong.

but a drum set does NOT equal concert.

If its done well, it can be brilliant. There's a range of masses from Extraordinary form available to people as well, so I certainly don't expect everyone to love LT, but I think its important to clarify what the intention is.

Ciardasully

When my FI and I were looking for a parish, we had a hard time finding a church where we live. (I was from out of state and he recently got graduated from a Catholic College) I totally know where you are coming from.  We are both more traditional (don't try to hold our hands during the Our Father, lol) yet we wanted a church that had spirit to it that wasn't touchy feely.  We spent many Sundays moving around but finally found our Parish.  We love it. I wish you the best!

Ciardasully

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_finding-church-frustrations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:1b7bfea3-585c-4b11-8e63-687745d136bbPost:c44dcf5f-b1e0-49dc-bad0-c48f336c8add">Re: Finding a Church frustrations</a>:
[QUOTE]I also get very frustrated with the increasing laxity of Mass. I strongly dislike "contemporary" services and LifeTeen Masses where it's designed to feel like a concert and the focus is on the people "performing" and the "audience" instead of on God. I hate the "me-me-me" tone of the LifeTeen services I've attended at our local parish and very contemporary masses. The attitude I get is something like, "This is about ME being entertained. This is MY time to shine, performing on a stage to applause. This is about how God fits into MY life." I recently attended a contemporary Mass where they actually changed the words to the Lord's Prayer so that they could put it to the beat of drums and guitars and sing it as a rhyming pop song that "conveyed the same message". I was very offended, and I feel that as these churches become increasingly casual, they are leaning away from the accountability and structure that I love about Catholicism and more towards the "anything goes, as long as it makes you happy!" mindset of some of the more popular non-denominational and evangelical churches that are appealing more and more to teenagers and college students these days. I would say choose a church where the general atmosphere and behavior of the parishioners fall most in line with what you believe and feel comfortable with. It should be a church that you would feel comfortable raising your kids in some day. I will not attend a church that I feel uncomfortable in, or that I feel conducts Mass in a way that is not true to how I practice and understand Catholicism, regardless of how much I like the priest.
Posted by sbelle85[/QUOTE]

Stuff like this really upsets me too.  I am glad I am not the only one.