Hurting, please pray

Equine Osmosis

This is hard to say because I'm basically writing to anonymous strangers but I feel like I need to because I'm having such a hard time.  I've had a strained relationship with my parents for the last few years.  Over Christmas I had a falling out with my siblings when they staged an "intervention" (because they don't like FI).  I've barely spoken to one of them since.  I found out today that all of my siblings (from across the country) are at my parent's house (2 miles away) for Easter and nobody told me or invited me, not even my mom when I asked her last week what the plan was for Easter.

To make matters worse, I got in a fight with FI last night.  Two months away from the wedding and I'm supposed to be thrilled with life but really I feel like everyone has betrayed me.

I'm trying to look inside myself to see what I can change and to figure out what I'm doing to cause so much pain.  And I know that this is pitiful compared to all the suffering that Jesus went through for us.  I'm hurting so much and I don't know what to do.  Any prayers would be greatly appreciated.  God bless!

Calypso1977

im really sorry that you are going through this.  that's not a very nice thing of your family to do.  how did you find out they are all at your parents?

why dont they like your FI?  unless he's a criminal or abuses you (or drugs/alcohol) they really have no business sayng he isnt right for you.  I dont care for my BIL, but i would never not invite him to my house or refuse to speak to him. 

so sorry this is happening... i wish i knew what to say.

chrissyinatl

I am so sorry...prayers going out to you....

mica178

I am so sorry that you're hurting.  I will say a prayer for you and your family.

[Deleted User]

I am sorry you are going through so much right now. Remember, God doesn't put you through anything that you can't handle. I wholeheartedly believe this.

And I also have a strained relationship with my Mom (even though it is getting somewhat better) so if you want to talk, you can PM me.

And I understand how hard it is being away from family, we have been that way for over 2 yrs now. None of our family or friends ever visit us and it makes it hard especially around the holidays. I feel like we have missed out on a lot and hopefully we are moving back soon so we can partake in all of that again and work on repairing relationships.

bibliophile2010

*hugs and prayers*

fancieface

Why did your family have an intervention about your FI? Are there things in your life maybe you need to reevaluate? I'm so sorry your family has done this to you. It must be very hard especially since your wedding is so close. I'm not sure what to say but pray and ask Jesus for guidance and insight to your problems. My prayers go out to you.

GulfCoaster

I'm so sorry you're hurting.  One of my parents is deceased and I have a strained relationship with the other one, talking on the phone once a month at most and not having seen each other in person in almost 3 years.  I'm much closer to my DH's family than I am to my own... while I'm glad to have my wonderful ILs, it does hurt a lot that my own family is so distant.

Why does your family dislike your FI so much?  Is there any possibility of mending relationships there?  Again, I'm so sorry you're hurting today. 

SoHappyToBeMrsC

I'm sorry you're going through this, it has to be very stressful.

I have to ask though - can you tell us specifically why your family doesn't like your FI?

Just to play devil's advocate, if your entire family dislikes your FI so much that they would get together and hold an intervention about it, is it possible that they have a point?

Does he have substance abuse issues, either past or present?

Does he have a criminal record?

Is he financially irresponsible? Does he have a lot of debt, or does he spend his money recklessly and then is unable to help pay bills? Does he owe the IRS money?

Does he have a steady job that enables him to contribute adequately to your finances? Does he goes from menial job to menial job, with no plans to educate himself or do better?

Is he abusive in any way? Emotional abuse is still abuse. Does he call you names, put you down, "joke" with you about things that are actually cruel, and then when you get justifiably upset, say that it's your problem because you can't take a joke?

Does he attempt to distance you from your friends and family, tell you that they're jerks and since they don't like him, you're not allowed/or if you love him you shouldn't see them either?

Has the engagement come about rather quickly? How long have you been dating?

How old are the two of you? Have either of you been married before, and do you have any children?

If you could answer these questions, it could help shed some light on why your family feels the way they do.

Not to be a jerk, but I find it hard to believe that your family could be so against your FI, if he was an educated, hardworking guy with a good job, if he loves you, respects you, supports you, if you've had adequate time to get to know each other, etc. Of course, I could be 100% wrong, but I really think you should consider what they are saying.

I know your wedding is coming up, but coming from someone who has been divorced, if there is even the slightest bit of doubt as to whether or not this is the right thing to do, at the very least postpone it while you sort it out. Getting a divorce and an annulment later is very heart wrenching, difficult and stressful. You owe it to the both of you to fully examine your heart and these issues.

Good luck. If you could answer some of my questions it could enable us to advise you further.

Equine Osmosis

SoHappy and everyone else- I know that this sounds like there's some hidden evil in FI that I don't want to see, but honestly there isn't.  My FI and I have been together for 4 years, engaged for 3, we're both in our 30s and want kids together.  I joined the knot soon after he proposed and we're still not married yet.  We postponed our wedding twice because of the dissent in my family and I was hoping that having more time would ease things but it hasn't. 

I didn't want to get into too much detail, but I see I need to for clarity's sake.  

Here's the history- I have a child from a previous relationship that my family, especially my parents are very close with.  When I first said I was dating someone my father immediately got angry and said (according to Dr. Laura) that I shouldn't date anyone until my son is 18 and out of the house.  IMO- To condemn someone to a life as a single parent is putting undue hardship on an already broken family, assuming the parent wants to marry.  Having a chance at a whole family (and 2 person income) is a dream and a ticket to a normal life, as well as healthier for the child (assuming the marriage is healthy).

The issue started with my dad and the Dr. Laura attitude and has continued ever since.  He is deeply afraid of being replaced in my son's life by another man.  FI has talked to him about this and tried to reassure him that he is not trying to replace him, but add to the support system my son has.  The reason why we live so close is only for my parent's benefit of being able to see my son (and vice versa)- this is not the town I grew up in and I don't have any strong connections here.  In fear my father has acted inappropriately towards my son- telling him I'm trying to take him away from Grandpa, told my son that I'm a bad mother, etc.  I have had to limit their contact somewhat because I cannot trust what my father says or does, as he undermines my authority often.  Regardless, he still volunteers occasionally at my son's school.  My siblings' issue is that the drama between my father and I has put a strain on the family and they want it to stop and think that FI is bad for my son.  They think I'm being unreasonable in limiting my son's time with Grandpa even though they've heard my case.  They are tired of hearing about it and therefore are willing to do what's necessary to make their lives more peaceful (which adds up to cutting me out).  And here I thought family was supposed to be there for each other in good and bad times.  As a side note- my son has been the only grandchild in the family for 10 years until my nephew was born a year ago.  My siblings also presented me with a (presumptuous) list of things FI needed to do in order to be accepted in the family.

FI- is a college grad, lifelong Catholic, no smoking, drugs or drinking (except socially). Has a decent job and loves me unbelievably.  He's so kind and always puts me and my son first, loves family time and is an all-around saint (especially for what he puts up with my fam).  His family treats my son and I like family and are so kind and nonjudgemental about me having a child.  

FI and my son get along fairly well.  It has not been easy, of course, but having a mixed family is not without its obstacles.  There is no abuse, unkindness, or anything.  I have had to be firm in disciplining my son for disrespecting FI at times, again, normal in a mixed family.  We go to church regularly and my son goes to the parish school.  We did buy a house recently because the opportunity was right but we are abstaining until we get married (which made postponing our wedding a real sacrifice!).

I found out about everyone being in town this weekend because when I went to pick up my son yesterday, they were all there at his school, unannounced, saying hello and Happy Easter to my son.  I was in shock.

That's more than I meant to say, but now you know.  Thank you all for your prayers.  MissySue- that is especially helpful, I know God will lead me through and teach me what I need to learn.  God bless!

Equine Osmosis

Just to clarify a little more the "why don't they like FI" question:  

My son has complained about FI to grandpa when he's been disciplined.  Instead of being honest and saying what he did to get in trouble, my son said he got punished by FI for no reason.  BTW- punishing is grounding or taking away video games, FI does NOT spank my son, I do.  So this has been interpreted by my father and siblings as FI being unreasonably mean and abusive to my son.  Again- we're talking about video games here guys!  Of course I have tried to explain, especially at the Christmas incident but they said I was just being defensive of FI and calling my son a liar.

Regardless of the he-said/she-said debate, the bottom line is that I'm the parent who gets to make the decisions and they aren't owed any explanation.  I shouldn't have to parent/live according to other people's ideals just to be accepted at holiday gatherings.  But it still hurts.

DFWIndian

I'm sorry you have to go through this. My prayers are with your family and hopefully it can be resolved sooner than later.

BTW.. Yeah! June Brides!

lmeade62

Sounds like a terribly difficult situation...bless your heart.

Hope things work out well for you both. My FI's son occasionally is rude to me, too - partially because he's 15 and partially (we think) because his mom's attitude toward me is so horrible. But for the most part we get along reasonably well.

My FI and I had a horrible fight this week, too. I honestly have no idea why. It was over the dumbest thing - his eating some of my food! We were yelling at each other like crazy people. Afterward, I felt absolutely horrible and sobbed in my shower over being so mean to him. Fortunately, we don't resort to personal insults though we tend to accuse each other being insulting or inconsiderate. Afterward, we are able to talk and apologize and work on a solution, but I just wish we could get there at the start before the yelling starts.

He pulled out an article from the Wall Street Journal about expressing your anger in a more healthy way, and I stuck it on the refrigerator for next time. We're bound and determined to do this better...and my first step is to say, 'IT'S JUST FOOD!!!!"

Hugs and hopes and prayers -

Linda

SoHappyToBeMrsC

OP, based on your update, your family is dead wrong. I am so sorry that they are treating you this way, it's awful. I am not going to elaborate on what I think of Dr. Laura, but I'm glad you're ignoring your Dad.

It sounds like your Dad is the difficult one, and the family is going along with him so as not to rock the boat. I would definitely not postpone your wedding again, you've been accommodating enough. Move forward, have your happy day, and hope that in the future they come around. In the meantime, I would absolutely limit your son's contact with his grandfather. This is not to punish your Dad, but to limit the damage to your son of hearing these negative things about you. How old is your son?

I would say something like "Dad, I know you want to see little Johnny, but unfortunately due to the choices that you have made, it is not possible at this time. I cannot allow my son to associate with someone that bad mouths me and my fiance, nor can I allow him to be confused by your statements that I am a bad mother. In the future, if you would like to see Johnny, you will have to completely refrain from any negative statements whatsoever about me and my husband. I cannot allow you to disrespect us in front of my son. If you choose to ignore my request, then you are choosing not to see Johnny. It's your decision."

Then stick to it. If he starts to yell, or be abusive, give him one warning. "Dad, I cannot continue this conversation if you are going to yell or insult me. If you don't stop I will have to end the call." Then do it immediately if he doesn't stop. If he calls you back and starts again with the yelling, just repeat your previous statement and follow through again.

Hopefully by your being firm and consistent your Dad will get the message. If not, then he is the one choosing not to have a relationship with you.

I hope that advice helps you a bit. Stay strong and hang in there. T&P that your family will come around!

mz07

I've never posted before, but I felt I had to say something to such a difficult situation. Have you thought about talking to your parish priest about this situation, especially since you and your parents both seem active in the church and would be known to him? He might be able to talk to your parents, particularly your father, or even mediate a meeting between you all. Or even your son's teacher to see if he's acting out in class in anyway that might help you navigate this situation?

Blessings for a healing Easter season!

clearheavens

God bless you and your hurting heart.  I think the symantics of the situation have already been mentioned.  So I just wanted to let you know I'm praying for you.

Offer that pain to Jesus and unite your suffering to His.  I would also add something like, "God, this situation hurts more than anything. Please give me the strength and wisdom to help resolve this situation. Give everyone a forgiving heart."  Trust God.  He heals families.

You may want to ask Mary and Joseph for their intercession, as they are the healer and protector of families, and have been through a lot themselves in their Holy Family.  None of this situation is beyond God.  Trust Him.

newlyseliski

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_hurting-please-pray?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:24089e97-00b9-41cf-83e7-1921fdc166eePost:b3234af7-fb83-46d9-bb1a-fac0b9af7dd5">Re: Hurting, please pray</a>:
[QUOTE]I've never posted before, but I felt I had to say something to such a difficult situation. Have you thought about talking to your parish priest about this situation, especially since you and your parents both seem active in the church and would be known to him? He might be able to talk to your parents, particularly your father, or even mediate a meeting between you all. Or even your son's teacher to see if he's acting out in class in anyway that might help you navigate this situation? Blessings for a healing Easter season!
Posted by mz07[/QUOTE]

Definitely this... I'm thankfully on the flipside of very difficult times in my relationship with my family.  My fiance and I have been dating (and abstaining as well) for almost 5 years now and the length of the relationship was mostly due to my parents' serious dislike of my fiance!  He also is a wonderful, selfless, trustworthy good Catholic man, but his personality didn't mesh as well with my close-knit family at first.  My fiance and I met with the deacon of my parish almost a year before we got engaged  to discern our relationship and make sure that we weren't crazy for persisting against the wishes of my parents... I'd had so many arguments with them over their passive aggressive disdain of my boyfriend and our relationship.  We even took the FOCCUS inventory.  When our deacon determined that we weren't in fact crazy... he recommended that we have a mediated discussion with my parents' pastor; we talked separately with him and then together.  The mediated discussions weren't as fruitful as I had hoped they would be, as my parents were essentially on the defensive and didn't like being made to look bad to their pastor!  However, a few weeks later, we finally had a more restrained and productive discussion where we agreed to start with a clean slate and forgive one another for perceived wrongs.  I prayed a lot before that meeting and wrote down my entire laundry list of frustrations and analysis of what I felt had gone wrong over the time we had dated in relation to my family.  It wasn't completely perfect... but things have improved so much since that point two years ago that it seems foreign to recall all the pain and difficulty earlier in the relationship.  Even if the resolution has to wait till after your wedding, the peace and improved relationships with your loved ones are completely worth it.

You are all in my prayers!!!!

Calypso1977

how can they just show up at his school?
i would speak to the school.   around here, folks cant just show up at a school without prior authorization and a CORI check or school escort at all times.  your dad is probably CORI'd if he volunteers.   

im all about family, but in this case, yours is wrong.  your child comes first and if that means removing him from toxic family members, then you need to do that.  for them to just show up at his school and fill his head with nonsense is not right.