What do you think?

Resa77

Did any of you hear about/read the blog post from a Mormon couple in which the husband came out as being gay?  You should be able to google it (I think the blog is called The Weed).

What are your thoughts on this?  To me, I feel like attraction -- physical/sexual attraction -- is necessary in marriage.  I think this husband and wife seem to be really good people, and they seem to really respect and love each other.   I'm not saying I think they need to get divorced or anything. What are your thoughts?

caitriona87

I did read that a couple of days ago.

I found it quite interesting and I think he did address your question (though maybe in a more roundabout way.) I also think of a blogger named Melinda Selmys (who can also be easily googled) who spent most of her life identifying/living as a lesbian and is now married with 5 or 6 kids. She says that she is attracted specifically to her husband although she is not attracted to men in general.

I guess I don't think that the physical/sexual side of attraction  has to come first. Like, in an arranged marriage, for example. They may develop friendship/companionship first, then love, then the physical attraction. I'm sure a lot of us have maybe had an experience like this in our dating years: you meet a guy and find him physically unattractive. Then you get to know him, develop that friendship, emotional connection, etc. and then he starts to become physically attractive.

Our culture is really hostile to the idea that the passions can or should be controlled or mastered, but even as married couples without this particular cross, we are called to subordinate those passions (which can become lust) to the giving of ourselves in love unselfishly in the marital act. I don't see why this man would be any less able to do that just because he has these other attractions.

Resa77

I don't see anything wrong with sexual attraction coming later.  I have a problem with it not being there at all, which from reading his blog, I don't think it is there for him. He talked about "intimacy" being fulfilling, and to me, he kind of made it seem like sexual attraction is just kinda secondary and unnecessary to sexual intimacy.  I disagree with that.  I disagree with it in the "that just doesn't seem....right?" kind of way, not in the "I have tons of research and logic to back up my opinion" way, so that's why I'm interested in hearing everyone's opinions!

monkeysip

I agree with Resa, it bothers me too.


An old best friend of mine is mormon and I remember us arguing about this issue.  In his faith, gay men and women are encouraged to marry (a straight marriage--no gay marriage in the mormon faith) because in their faith, you have to be married in order to reach the highest level of heaven.

So, unlike Catholicism, they don't encourage celibacy for those with homosexual orientations.

Sexual orientation is a tricky thing, and people aren't necessarily one or the other.  For example, for some men that identify as gay, having sex with a woman would be "disgusting" to them.  For others, having sex with women is still enjoyable, and women are still attractive, but women are not ultimately the sex they want to pursue and have relationships with. 

As the straight woman in the marriage, it would upset be greatly if my husband didn't enjoy me sexually and had no attraction to me.  No, sexual attraction is not the most important thing in a marriage, and it comes and goes .  But to never be there at all... that's bothersome.  Sex is important in the Catholic marriage because of procreation especially.  It seems like for a gay husband, it might become more of a "burden" and "obligation."

I wouldn't recommend divorce to those already married, but I also don't think it's a terrible idea.  It's possible that a man or woman with a hidden same-sex orientation would nullify the marriage anyways. 

If both spouses were completely happy with it, then that's fine, but I just wouldn't encourage gay men and women to marry straight.

Calypso1977

i guess for me the question would be whether he was gay all along, and married under false pretenses, or if it really took him this long (and it does for some people) to realize or come to terms with the fact that he was gay.

second question would be whether he would then be able to continue in a faithful marriage.  even if the wife was content to remain in a sexless marriage, he should not be "allowed" to, or expect to have sex with men while married to his wife.

Resa77

Calypso -- he told his wife before they were married (in HS, actually).  He's known since he was a pre-teen.  They have a great sex life, apparently.  He explains it as being great because of the emotional intimacy, despite not being sexually attracted to his wife.  He has every intention of remaining married (and faithful) to his wife.

lalaith50

Are you talking about this article?

http://gawker.com/5917022/im-a-gay-mormon-whos-been-happily-married-for-10-years

A gay and Catholic guy friend of mine posted it on FB and said he thought it was a fantastic article, so apparently he at least doesn't disagree!

texasbride0617

I think it's amazing that he is able to reconcile his faith with his desires that way. I love that he shared his story with his wife well before they were married.

And then, I wonder what it would be like to be one of his daughters, to come of age knowing that your father is not sexually attracted to your mother. To be honest, as much as the idea of my parents having sex makes me all thirteen-and-grossed-out, I think it would be more disturbing if I discovered that actually, they had been pretending. I mean I'd imagine it's not something they tell their daughters (who are little, from the looks of it) (and anyway, parents probably don't owe their children any description of their sexual preferences. ...they probably owe them the pleasure of NOT knowing their sexual preferences).

I guess I don't understand how he can say that he is absolutely not sexually attracted to women. My gut feeling is that if a man is not sexually aroused, sex isn't going to happen. And he has three daughters. So something happened that allowed that. But maybe there is just a lot of fantasizing going on. Now I feel I am thinking about this whole situation in far too much detail. So.

In any event, I guess it is brave of them to come out and share their marriage. To be honest, I have seen a lot of (young, usually quite religious) women marry (young, usually also quite religious) guys who I am fairly certain are gay, and I always wonder if that is something that they know and have decided to work around or are just consciously disregarding. Actually, I've heard that a few of them continued to abstain from sex even after their marriage. I guess it is a choice that works for some people, especially if sex is not important to their life/relationship? 

Finally, I feel really sad for the wife, just because I think it would hurt me to know that my husband would never be sexually attracted to me because I am categorically, not his type. But maybe I'm placing too much emphasis on sexual attraction. For what it's worth, she seems really upbeat and happy with her life. It is true that sex isn't everything, and as he discusses in the blog entry, all relationships require some sort of sacrifice. 

But yeah. That's a big one. At least she knew what she was getting into! Nothing would be more upsetting than having that curveball come out of nowhere after you've said I do...

Eliz77

Here's my theory...we are all attracted to specific traits people posess. For some it's a certain body type, for others personality trait or behaviors, or whatever. I don't think it has to be a matter of "I LOVE woman!" I believe someone could be homosexual and still enjoy the company of a member of the opposite sex, even loving them. I have a good friend that i gay, has been gay for as long as I've known him, and even he has admitted being confused by an attraction to his best (woman) friend and kissing her. They are super close, act like a married couple should (minus sexual relationship) and most people thought they were a couple. So, I think it is very possible for a gay man to also love a woman enough to have a sexual relationship and want to be partners with her, but still be attracted to men. I guess in a way, that is what bi-sexuality would be?

Personally, I would NEVER be ok entering a marriage with a man who felt this way. Even if he never cheats, I would always feel insecure I was not enough. IMO, it's te same as those who marry for money, or because their kid needs a mommy/daddy or whatever other reason.