Help me help a friend in need?

Riss91

Hi Ladies, I'm hoping you can help me guide a Catholic friend in need. She's someone who I've always looked to as being strong defender of the faith, and I could use some extra wisdom from you guys to help support and guide her.

She's currently facing a failing marriage, something she NEVER thought she would ever face. There might be possible grounds for annulment, but she hasn't met with the priest yet to discuss (her husband won't speak to a priest). She feels uncertain that she "deserves" an annulment, even if she could "get away with it" on paper. Her and her husband have been losing touch with the faith (him more than her), she feels that he isn't taking care of his health, he's extremely negative with her, she feels she is putting forth most of the effort to care for the household and he is ungrateful . They both feel like they should never have married in the first place - none of these "problems" are new. They never were sure they wanted children.

They attempted counseling before they were married, but he was defensive about the counselor's advice for him. He places the blame on others, doesn't take responsibility for anything that is wrong. The effort is always one-sided. They aren't spending time together anymore because they do not want to be around each other.

I think they've decided to start the process of dissolving the marriage from a civil standpoint, but my friend is terrified. She knows that without an annulment, she would be required to be alone the rest of her life (as she would still be married) and she is still quite young. She feels like she will wind up losing her faith, because she doesn't feel lthat she is strong enough to remain single forever.

What would you tell your friend if they were in this position? Firm, tough love is good, but I know she needs support and sensitivity. Please help!

aaand GO!

agapecarrie

save the marraige. The problem is she's already thinking about her life without him and getting it annuled, when there isn't even a divorce yet. 

This is the "bad" part of "good times and in bad".

Retrouvaille is a retreat for troubled marriages.

There is also the "Love Dare". 

Just don't give up.

newlyseliski

I've heard good things about Retrouvaille (sp?) retreats for couples facing significant challenges in their marriages... both need to be willing to attend and be open to changes.  Is it too late for something like that for them?  Also, I'm sure asking St. Monica's intercession wouldn't hurt... she certainly struggled with an unfaithful husband for much of her life... not to mention her troublesome son, Augustine.

As far as annulments, I'm sure it's a really tricky situation if they're both catholic and were married in the Church.  The intention against having children might qualify... but I'm no canon lawyer.  I'll keep them in my prayers!

Riss91

thanks for the responses - and PLEASE keep them coming, it is much appreciated!

I'm going to mention the retreats to her, but I'm getting the feeling he would not be willing to attend.

professorscience

There is also a book called Marriage 911: How God Saved Our Marriage (and Can Save Yours Too!) By Greg and Julie Alexander.  It might be worth a look.

Resa77

That's a really tough situation.  I wish I had some wonderful piece of advice, but all I can recommend is prayer.   For you to pray for her, and for her to pray for her marriage.  Good luck!

Riss91

What do you do if your spouse refuses to work on things?

lalaith50

I wonder if her husband might have Narcissitic Personality Disorder. (which. by definition, he will *never* be able to see that he is wrong about anything.)

I wish she could talk to my mom. My mom has spent her whole married life in a similar situation, and while *many* people (even some good Christians,) have told her she would have every right to get a divorce, she has instead committed her life to helping her husband try to get to heaven, as she realizes that with his (undiagnosed) issues, she, through many many years of gentleness and patience and trying to help him to become a better person, she realizes that she is probably the only person who has even a chance at helping him, with the Holy Spirit working through her. I don't know if he will ever "change" or even get to Heaven, (but my mom occasionally tells me that she sees a glimmer of hope once in awhile, always right when she needs it most,) but it has certainly helped HER to become a holier person.

If I were you, I would challenge her to be faithful to her marriage vows, and realize that the rest of her life might be a sacrifice, but that that is not necessarily a bad thing. (Keep in mind: your end goal. People who have easy lives have a harder time in the end...) Use the difficult situations she has been put in (put herself in-- actions have consequences.) and make the best of it.

Jasmine&Rajah

Firstly . . . Saints Monica and Rita, you know what this woman and wife is suffering.  Pray for us all to the Savior, Who is always and ever our only hope.

I'm saddened to hear that the husband won't see a priest or a counselor.  If he refuses to get help, that's a major challenge and he is damning their marriage.  He has to understand that, although unfortunately, it sounds like he might not care.

Ideally, he comes around and they go to counseling before they seek an annulment.  Ideally, he sees her faith remain strong, and he is aided by that and inspired to remain faithful to God and the Church.

I hope it doesn't come to this, but I think she might have grounds for an annulment  if he's refusing help - not to mention refusing his role of spiritual headship.
 
Remind her that she is not carrying her cross alone.  She's walking with Christ, and she is living as His disciple.  Pray for the Lord to increase her faith (we can all use that, regardless of how devout we are) so that no matter what the outcome is, she can bear it, and see Him working in it.

ootmother2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_friend-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:3e9b3248-6215-497d-ae10-c68a70acc341Post:a22fd7d5-6ff6-4f25-ab49-8a3fc1606c25">Re: Help me help a friend in need?</a>:
[QUOTE]What do you do if your spouse refuses to work on things?
Posted by Riss91[/QUOTE]


Riss, I believe you know that I got an annulment from M's dad.  I wasn't planning on remarrying when I got it, it was more a matter of wiping the slate.  I knew that I had to start my life all over again and thought I would be healthier without all that baggage.

Advice for your friend?

I think the first thing I did was pray.  I'd have to honestly say that I was praying for peace than for the failed marriage.

We had tried just about every type of counseling there was.  I won't go into the details of what the problems with the marriage were, just trust me, we tried.  Even my pastor said that sometimes there is no way to fix a broken marriage and you have to be able to forgive yourself before you can go on with your life.

God wants us to be happy.  Remember that.  I think I had forgotten it for a bit.

As far as an annulment goes, it's quite possible that her husband's refusal of counseling before and after could be cause.   This part she's going to have to talk to a Church lawyer as there are such fine lines in the laws that no lay person can advise her.

I wish her luck.  And inner peace .

ootmother2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_friend-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:3e9b3248-6215-497d-ae10-c68a70acc341Post:b56fdb31-048e-43f4-8606-c7bc58fe6524">Re: Help me help a friend in need?</a>:
[QUOTE]save the marraige. The problem is she's already thinking about her life without him and getting it annuled, when there isn't even a divorce yet.  This is the "bad" part of "good times and in bad". Retrouvaille is a retreat for troubled marriages. There is also the "Love Dare".  Just don't give up.
Posted by agapecarrie[/QUOTE]


agape, have you ever been married?