Spanking

Resa77

Recently a study was released that shows that children who are spanked are more likely to have mental problems (depression, etc) than children who aren't.  From this study have sprung tons of articles about how to parent without spanking, etc.

What are your thoughts?  Were you spanked?  How did it effect you?  Will you/do you spank?  How do you think parents should discpline, especially at the younger ages when verbal skills aren't very high?

lalaith50

My initial reaction is a big amount of skeptism at a study like that- they are not going to be able to separate those who spanked moderatly and with an attitude of love from those who spanked out of anger and abuse. So, of course those kids are going to have a higher amount of depression.

We were spanked; I don't actually remember exactly how much, I don't think it was a ton. I remember time-out in the corner a lot more. And we turned out fine.... (I think...)

I actually don't feel strongly either way, but with the general direction that society is going, especially with legal cases, I'm sure there probably already has been situations where kids were spanked and the parents get in trouble for child abuse, so I might err on the safe side.

Having never been a parent, my main worry is what do you do when there is no other punishment that will work? (The kid won't physically stay in the corner, or enjoys going up to their room or whatever.) Sometimes kids lose so much control over their emotions and reason, that whatever you do HAS to be physical.

Calypso1977

i personally think spanking is ineffective when its tossed around for every little thing.
spanking should be reserved, IMO, for the serious infractions, andd therefore used sparingly.

i dont ever remember being spanked, but i remember things like my arm being grabbed and held tightly (but not pulled otu of its socket or anything at that level of aggression) while a quiet and calm talking to was given to me.  that illustrates authority and IMO doesnt really hurt a kid, it just shows them who's boss.

i think many resort to spanking because they have failed at other attempts at discipline.  you cant start disciplining a child at 4 or 5 years old and expect it to work.  i have a friend right now who is trying to discpline a 12 year old who's never been discplined.  good luck to her!

Resa77

I am a little skepitical of it, too.  Apparently 90% of parents (I think US parents) spank.   When you're talking about THAT big a population, and comparing it to such a smaller population, I just don't know how much I trust that comparison.  As anyone who studied Stats in any way knows, correlation does not equal causation.  There are LOTS of other variables.  I also agree that often times people don't distinguish between legit spanking (on the bottom, using the hand) vs hitting/abuse (using a belt and hitting all over the body, leaving bruises, and doing it out of anger).  There's a big difference there.

I will probably not spank.  I am a total pacifist, and I tend to resolve conflict in really calm ways, so I'm thinking that would impact my parenting skills.  As far as how to deal with a kid who won't sit still in time out, etc., I'm not sure.  Depends on the age, of course, but I'm really not sure. 

sarahdactyI

I always thought I was not spanked, but I mentioned it once to Mom when talking about what I'd do... and apparently, I was spanked when I was a toddler, but nothing so traumatic that I remember it. 

I vaguely remember something in my developmental psych class about spanking really losing its effectiveness once kids are older than 4 or 5 anyway - they either don't take it seriously or something. FI and his sisters were spanked, but they said it was more something they'd giggle/joke about. When that starts happening, the kids are more likely to misbehave just for the attention of it, I think.

I don't think I'd do it just because it has the potential to end badly. I'm not a parent, but I'd imagine it's frustrating, and I would hate to put myself in any position where I might ever even possibly cross a line like that. 

Plus, I think there are a lot of effective discplinary methods that get the authoritativeness across without actually hitting the child.

AND on a baby-related note, my cousin is currently in labor with her first and that is all I can think about this afternoon!!!

TeaForMe

We haven't reached an age where spanking would even be necessary yet with our little guy but my intention is not to. I believe I was spanked as a child, but I honestly don't remember ever being in trouble... though I know I was

My random and semi-professional thoughts on the subject... I am an early chidhood professional and I am able to discipline (ie: teach) my students without spanking in the classroom (which, of course, would be totally inappropriate). So why should spanking be appropriate in the home? We often tell children "you know better!" when they misbehave but the truth is, they honestly *don't* know better and our job is to teach (again, teach = discipline) them the right way to behave. That doesn't mean there shouldn't be consequences for making mistakes or bad choices, but the consequences should fit the mistake (natural consequences). I think where parents/soceity fails in creating well-behaved kids is not in the lack of punishment but in the lack of consequences/discipline in general. I know some of the best-behaved and peaceful children come from Montessori school backgrounds which are very peace-based and would never encourage physical punishment.

Second, punishment - such as spanking or even time-outs, is *not* equal to discipline. As I mentioned above, discipline uses the situation to teach a child and holds a child accountable for his/her actions. Punishment can be arbirtrary and doesn't work to correct the actual problem, just to make the child know whatever they just did wasn't okay - but doesn't help them understand why or what to do differently the next time. In addition, spanking or any other physical punishment is often done out of anger in the heat of the moment rather than with a cool head. To me, that borders on abuse rather than effective discipline as it is a slippery slope towards taking out your frustration at your child's behavior on them physically.

bibliophile2010

Neither H nor I agree with spanking, though both of us were spanked (I only remember a couple of occasions where it actually happened). We certainly intend not to spank. We also try to keep yelling to a minimum in our home, as we both feel that it is not an effective form of communication. I agree with a lot of what Tea said about natural consequences.

As for kids who escape time-out or whatever, I think it is about being flexible and patient and figuring out what works. Maybe it is a different location. Maybe it is a different consequence entirely. Expectations should also be both modeled and verbalized (even if using kid-friendly language), and consequences need to be followed through entirely (for example, I am very opposed to letting older kids end punishments -- and I think there is a place for punishment, as well as consequences, in older kids -- early for "good behavior.").

Resa77

I think consistency is defintely important, as well as following through.  Some kids throw fits, won't stay in time-out, etc., because they are taught that their parents don't always mean what they say. 

I was recently at a friend's house.  She was showing me her newly-finished basement, and her young daughter followed us downstairs.  She immediately told her daughter she didn't want her down there, but didn't actually enforce that.  After a few minutes, her daughter kept interrupting, was jumping all over the new furniture, and was just overall being a brat.  She actually kept grabbing my arm and pulling me and telling me I was under arrest!  The whole time, the mom kept saying "okay, that's it, go upstairs!"  Her daughter never went upstairs until we all went upstairs.  When my friend complains that her daughter never listens, I can't help but think "well duh!  You never enforce anything!"

monkeysip

I agree completely with Tea and Biblio about natural consequences instead of more artificial "punishment" like spanking.

I also agree with you though, Resa, about how parents need to react to misbehaviors immediately and with action, instead of just standing across the room and saying, "don't do that.  Stop it."  Etc.  I know dogs =/= children at all, but I can only relate it to my dog when she's outside and I'm calling her to come in.  If I just call her, she'll look right at me and just stand there or keep sniffing around, ignoring me.  But if I step outside the door, she immediately knows to come in, I guess because she assumes I'm coming out for her.  But I don't spank her, so it's not like she's afraid of spankings, but she just knows that I'm serious.

Again, I know children are different, but you have to engage them when they misbehave, not just yell from a distance, "stop it."

To answer the original question, I was only spanked a few times, and only as a toddler.  My mother rarely resorted to spankings.  I don't know how healthy this is, but my mom always had a way of guilting us into behaving well, haha.

Nickie431

I'm curious as to other factors that could be at play in the study OP mentioned.  My impression from academic and personal experience (I can probably find some studies, though I don't have any to mention right now) is that parents who use spanking as a primary and frequent form of behavior modification are often lacking in other important parenting skills as well: ie. setting limits, recognizing appropriate expectations for their children's age, and nurturing a strong positive bond with the child.  Often they are imitating how they themselves were parented.  I recall learning, too, that spanking is correlated with higher rates of physical or emotional violence in the home.  I would think that type of environment growing up contributes to the higher rate of depression, and the spanking itself is only an indicator of the home environment.

What's funny is that both my older brother and I recall being spanked or in trouble a lot and have independently apologized to our parents for being "bad kids".  This makes my mom and dad laugh, because they report we were generally very well-behaved.  Mom has said she only used spanking for situations in which it was dire that she get our attention, such as trying to run out into the street.  Though I didn't know this until I was much older, Dad would place a hand palm-out against our backsides and then smack his own hand so that we felt the pressue and heard the clap but didn't experience pain--we'd howl anyway, of course, but then shape up.

I don't want our future children to spend years thinking they were naughty like my brother and I did.  I come from a family of high-achieving perfectionists (even at a remarkably young age), so I expect even a small scolding really impacted each of us in that we felt we'd failed to meet expectations and had disappointed our parents.