covered shoulders

Brittany&Chris

Someone mentioned to me the other day that I may need to cover my shoulders during mass since my dress is strapless. is this true? the priest and wedding coordinator at church didn't mention anything about it.. help!!

bel138

Ask the priest about any specific restrictions for your outfit. Each church and priest are different. Some churches have rules about shoulders being covered, some don't. Some consider your veil enough cover, some don't.

I described my dress to the priest in detail, specifically asking if it was ok that it was tea length and that while it had 3/4 sleeves, the neckline and sleeves were unbacked lace.

Calypso1977

its quite possible.  check with tehm, many churches/priests have modesty standards.

[Deleted User]

Ditto pp. Check first. I had read that as well in a few of the planning books I was looking at right after we got engaged. Surprisingly (he is strict on everything else) our priest say no restrictions on my dress as long as it was appropriate for a church wedding.

JMU_Bride09

Ask your priest.  I checked with ours and he said that as long as the dress is modest, it's fine for it to be strapless.  Different priests will feel differently though, so check!

unplainjane

just check with your priest. the catholic ceremonies i've been to the brides all had strapless dresses. but every church has different rules.

Theresa626

Ask the church coordinator or priest.  I have to add sheer cap sleeves to my gown and all the bridesmaids are wearing sheer shawls.  I asked and they said that would be fine.  Many other Catholic churches I've been to don't have this rule though so you have to see if your church has it or not.  

CourtneyJ2010

I have to have sleeves. I even told the priest I had already bought my dress and he said then you will have to find a jacket or something to cover your back and shoulders. He said and the bridesmaids too and that something sheer is not enough cover. He also  said that he will be making sure the girls are wearing their shawls correctly as they are not accessories. Luckily the seamstress was able to make me pretty cap sleeves because every jacket I tried looked hideous with my dress. I think its crazy that some priests have these standards as like 90% of wedding dresses are strapless but none the less my priest was adament about this.

Brittany&Chris

Thank you all so much for your advice!

bel138

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_covered-shoulders?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:4afd99f8-6060-42d4-a2f6-36e800ea5b37Post:4a9d99a6-eaf3-4da9-8de3-8b607039a24f">Re: covered shoulders</a>:
[QUOTE]I think its crazy that some priests have these standards as like 90% of wedding dresses are strapless but none the less my priest was adament about this.
Posted by CourtneyJ2010[/QUOTE]

Umm, I don't think it's crazy at all. The church doesn't change it's policy based on fashion fads, which strapless wedding dresses are. You realize in most places in Europe it's disrespectful to even enter a church without your shoulders and knees covered, right? They will refuse you entry to the Vatican in shorts and a sleeveless tee. I'm frankly surprised that more churches don't have stricter wedding dress requirements. Even though our priest was lenient, I wouldn't have felt comfortable wearing a strapless dress at all.

CourtneyJ2010

I can't find a nice way to respond other than to say that we are not in Europe. I feel that you should be comfortable when you go to church. This individual priest doesn't even like people to wear jeans to church. I live in south Texas, everyone wears jeans and luckily I have found a church where you can "come as you are" to church. There is a difference between dressing in a disrespectful manner and dressing in a normal fashion.

bel138

I wouldn't wear jeans to church either. Just sayin'. I do feel it is disrespectful.

Theresa626

I don't think wearing jeans to church is disrespectful and I don't think the strapless dress is either unless her boobs are hanging out for all to see.  Times change.  Fifty years ago, it would've been disrespectful if we hadn't worn those tall lace hats on our heads every time we went to church ( the head coverings) but then the church just decided that wasn't disrespectful anymore.  I think what is seen as disrespectful is mostly decided by society and the church usually follows that but sometimes they are well behind the times.  It's been many years since a shoulder was considered an erotic body part.  To most people, it is no different than bearing an ankle or an arm.  The coverings are there so that you don't distract people by making them think erotic thoughts about you while you are at church.  But, I highly doubt anyone is thinking that about anyone's shoulders anymore.  

Calypso1977

There is a difference between dressing in a disrespectful manner and dressing in a normal fashion.

i agree, but dressing immodestly is considered disrespectful in a church.  many strapless gowns (and non-strapless for that matter) show cleavage and what not.  its simply not appropriate.  its a wedding in a church, not your prom or a fashion show.  you are receiving a sacrament. 

while i dont think jeans are disrespectful, i personally  never wear them to church.  folks in a million years would never dream of wearing jeans to a nice restaurant or the opera or the ballet, but for some reason tehy wear them to church.  i think people should show the same respect to God that they show to society.

the church is not a democracy.  it doesnt change its rules based upon what the majority of the members may think is right at any given point in time.

mswood1977

Ask your priest as this varies from church to church.  My priest is known to keep white and ivory wraps to make brides wear if they are in dresses that are too revealing.  My dress has spaghetti straps but I bought a bolero jacket to wear during the ceremony.

brianabrad

To quote my Catholic FI  . . "the Catholic church is weird!". Just ask the Father of your church and I'm sure he will be able to tell you exactly what you need to do. During our first meeting with our Father he told me that anything within reason was fine and he didn't expect me to cover myself or anything like that. Thankfully, for the FI and I we attend a Catholic church on a University campus and our Father is a little more liberal in thinking than some. I love that about him! I'm very excited that he will be marrying us.

Calypso1977

"the Catholic church is weird!"

no, its not.

ring_pop

People follow dress code to go to work... so why is it so crazy to respect dress codes in your house of worship?

Calypso1977

exactly, ring.  private schools also come to mind (and many public schools as of late as well).

caitriona87

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_covered-shoulders?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:4afd99f8-6060-42d4-a2f6-36e800ea5b37Post:29234ce4-f412-404e-a03a-3109841cb79f">Re: covered shoulders</a>:
[QUOTE]"the Catholic church is weird!" no, its not.
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

Ditto. Society has gone crazy, the Church is the only thing that's kept sane. I just wanted to throw in that if we believe Jesus Christ is truly present in the Eucharist, shouldn't we dress up a bit for that? Really.

Brittany&Chris

Just spoke with our coordinator at the church and I do not need anything to cover my shoulders! So glad I don't need to go out and buy something else! 21 more days!!!

brianabrad

It appears that I may have offended some people with my comment. That was never my intent. I meant it simply as a light-hearted comment to mean that all churches, Catholic or not, are different.

Jay+Marissa

I added some cap sleeves to mine--it was a simple solution and I liked them so much I plan to wear them all night. We got chiffon shawls for the bms too. Our church doesn't enforce anything, but it was a respect issue for me.

Haha, I wouldn't call the Church weird, just misunderstood--especially since so many churches and priests choose to interpret things in their own way when it comes to pre-marital and wedding guidelines.

CourtneyJ2010

I just take a much more laid back view of religion and I know that. I have been in catholic school for 16 years and have learned many different ways to worship (all of them Catholic). I believe that it is more important to be at the mass period than to worry about dressing up. I do not have any reason to have business casual clothes therefore I don't. So if I had to dress up to go to church I simply wouldn't be able to go. I like to sit on the floor and reflect on my thoughts to pray, my fiance likes to say set prayers. It is just a difference of opinions and I am glad that most churches have also become more laid back.

The more traditional people may not like it but they will still remain active in a less conservative church whereas people like me unfortunately feel too uncomfortable to worship in a very traditional church. My fiance attended a very old traditional church and every time I walk in I feel like I am being judged because I am not in a floor length dress with my arms completely covered. I just don't feel comfortable there. Luckily we have found a church with a Priest that we both love and can now worship there together for many years to come.

Calypso1977

 I do not have any reason to have business casual clothes therefore I don't. So if I had to dress up to go to church I simply wouldn't be able to go.

so is it safe to assume you will be wearing jeans when you walk down the aisle on your wedding day?  becuase, i assume you cannot afford fancy wedding costumes if you cannot afford a basic pair of black slacks or khakis.

i find it very hard to believe that you only own jeans and t-shirts and not a single dress or pair of casual pants.  i know folks who work construction and manual labor jobs.  my brother in law wears jeans and tees for his job every day.  he has 1 or 2 pairs of pants that are just for church. 

this statement is just the most ridiculous thing i've heard on this board.

Riss91

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_covered-shoulders?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:4afd99f8-6060-42d4-a2f6-36e800ea5b37Post:0be68d0c-b974-4e64-97dd-0637d664d34e">Re: covered shoulders</a>:
[QUOTE] i find it very hard to believe that you only own jeans and t-shirts and not a single dress or pair of casual pants. Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

I agree. What would you wear to a funeral, baptism, holiday party, graduation? A simple pair of black pants and/or skirt can get you through an entire year....and these things can be purchased for $20 or less these days with Targets and other discount stores. I have $25 dresses from Target that can be used year-round (with varying weights of cardigan/jackets). And these items are more comfortable than a pair of jeans if you ask me. Personally, I think it's a cop-out to say that you wouldn't be able to go to mass if you were required to dress nicely.

Kaye Smith

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_covered-shoulders?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:4afd99f8-6060-42d4-a2f6-36e800ea5b37Post:6035515b-ab2f-4127-bddc-88a2310889a8">Re: covered shoulders</a>:
[QUOTE]People follow dress code to go to work... so why is it so crazy to respect dress codes in your house of worship?
Posted by ring_pop[/QUOTE]

I think the issue is that different churches have different "dress codes" - the Catholic Church, in general, doesn't have a dress code.  Styles of dress, among other things, vary greatly from church to church, even in the same city.

ring_pop

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_covered-shoulders?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:4afd99f8-6060-42d4-a2f6-36e800ea5b37Post:e4467c21-a550-4c31-8e24-1462b82909a9">Re: covered shoulders</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: covered shoulders : I think the issue is that different churches have different "dress codes" - the Catholic Church, in general, doesn't have a dress code.  Styles of dress, among other things, vary greatly from church to church, even in the same city.
Posted by Kaye Smith[/QUOTE]

I think you missed my point... which was that in most situations in life, there is always some sort of standard or norm in the way that people dress. The standard may be explicit (like when work requires business casual) or implicit (like when most people don't wear jeans to church even if it's not in the church bulletin anyway). If we are OK with following standards in other walks of life, why wouldn't we do it at church?

Sure, the standards differ from church to church, but a pastor has the prerogative to make those rules. (Did your parents ever say to you, "As long as you're living in my house, you live by my rules"?) I would argue that the Catholic church implicitly has a (perhaps lenient) dress code, unless you've ever worn a tube top and daisy dukes to mass.

I was disagreeing with a PP who said that she thought it was "crazy" that a priest should tell her to cover her shoulders, even though most dresses on the market are strapless. I don't think it's crazy at all.  Even if another church doesn't require covered shoulders, the priest totally has the right to make that call.

CourtneyJ2010

I give up, I have a lot more to say on the subject but thats not what this board is for. I will say that I agree with all of you though. I am making excuses for not getting dressed up but at least thats better than making excuses for not going to church which I did for many years. I just recently decided I wanted to start attending church again after your EE weekend. Maybe after a few more years of reintegration I will find myself wanting to dress up, but for now I will continue to wear my jeans and feel comfortable when I attend mass.

Theresa626

I go to nice restaurants and to the opera and I've seen people wearing jeans at both more than a few times. 


In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_covered-shoulders?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:4afd99f8-6060-42d4-a2f6-36e800ea5b37Post:fa1f92a4-2d3e-4d73-8b5c-aefb1f00418c">Re: covered shoulders</a>:
[QUOTE]There is a difference between dressing in a disrespectful manner and dressing in a normal fashion. i agree, but dressing immodestly is considered disrespectful in a church.  many strapless gowns (and non-strapless for that matter) show cleavage and what not.  its simply not appropriate.  its a wedding in a church, not your prom or a fashion show.  you are receiving a sacrament.  while i dont think jeans are disrespectful, i personally  never wear them to church.  folks in a million years would never dream of wearing jeans to a nice restaurant or the opera or the ballet, but for some reason tehy wear them to church.  i think people should show the same respect to God that they show to society. the church is not a democracy.  it doesnt change its rules based upon what the majority of the members may think is right at any given point in time.
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

Jay+Marissa

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_covered-shoulders?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:4afd99f8-6060-42d4-a2f6-36e800ea5b37Post:b5022ef5-0767-41c3-97a9-cc7e3241a88f">Re: covered shoulders</a>:
[QUOTE]I give up, I have a lot more to say on the subject but thats not what this board is for. I will say that I agree with all of you though. I am making excuses for not getting dressed up but at least thats better than making excuses for not going to church which I did for many years. I just recently decided I wanted to start attending church again after your EE weekend. Maybe after a few more years of reintegration I will find myself wanting to dress up, but for now I will continue to wear my jeans and feel comfortable when I attend mass.
Posted by CourtneyJ2010[/QUOTE]

Good for you for taking the leap of faith to "come home" to the Church, jeans or whatever.