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Catholic Weddings

family issues vent... so irritated

So,
Issue #1
     Only about 1/4 of my guests out of 240 are catholic, maybe even a little less then 1/4. So, many of my guests have been personally asking me how long our wedding ceremony is going to be and would I be offended if they just come to the reception. It is the most irritating thing in the entire world right now. I don't understand why people can't spend 40 to 60 mins a catholic church to watch their neice, cousin, granddaughter.... get married!!!! I've been saying, "Yes, if the only reason you aren't coming to my ceremony is because of the mass then don't come to any of it." Maybe these people think they will melt or something if they step foot in a catholic church. My dads family isn't religous at all and they actually gave my dad crap for becoming a catholic. But even my future mother inlaw and father inlaw have been complaining about it and complain to our guests about it. Not very respectful if you ask me. Get over it, I'm Catholic, your son is marrying a catholic, your grandchildren are going to recieve the sacrements in the catholic church!!! Uggggg.... Am I doing the right thing by telling people not to come at all if they can't even be respectful to the fact that I am catholic and yes our wedding is a mass?

Issue #2
     I've been engaged to my FI for almost 2 years now. We were waiting until both us graduated with our BS degree from college. So last May we met with my priest and set the wedding date for June 25 2011. I mailed our STD cards out in September and 2 months later my cousin got engaged. She decided that it would be a great idea to have her wedding the week before mine. I really just brushed it off my shoulders and was just thinking.. who cares. But then my mom, mother inlaw and sisters had a bridal shower for me just a week ago. When they sent the invites out 3 wks before the shower, the day most people received it in the mail my cousin made flyers for her bridal shower and was handing them out to people which she made her shower the week before mine!!!! I also have been really nice to her and helped her with addresses and everything and she has been bad mouthing me and my wedding. Making fun of the catholic faith and just bashing me. My parents promised me if I waited until graduation to get married they would pay for everything so I have been very lucky to get everything from a hummer limo to the best DJ in our county compared to her broken down neon and I-pod.... So they have been calling me spoiled and bad words. I am graduating from a private, very expensive college that I paid entirly on my own with loans, I have worked very hard to get where I am at. I am far from spolied and I am so annoyed that they are acting this way. Help!!! What am I suppose to do to get them to stop? Am I just being a baby or do I have a right to be irritated? Please let me know, there's really nothing anyone could say to me that could hurt me any worse then what they have been spreading about me and my catholic faith!

Re: family issues vent... so irritated

  • edited December 2011
    Oh and my FI and I are highschool sweethearts, we have been together since we were 14 and have never split! It's been 9 years!!! It's not like we are 2 people rushing into a wedding or like people didn't know we were having a catholic wedding
  • monkeysipmonkeysip member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Crb,

    Issue 1--I completely understand your frustration, but I *personally* wouldn't tell people not to come at all.  Out of the probably 75-ish people I'm going to invite, like 8 of them are Catholic, and we're having a full Catholic mass.  So, I'm expecting the same kind of responses that you're getting... "do I have to come to the ceremony?..."  But I think the gracious thing to do would be to emphasize how important the ceremony is to you, and that it would mean a lot if they come, but that if they can't make it, you'd still like the pleasure of their company at the reception.  Your guests may sometimes be rude, but just counter their rudeness with graciousness and they'll see how wonderful Catholics are ;)

    Issue 2--Forget about it.  Forget what this girl is doing and what she thinks of you.  Again, be the bigger person here.  You've worked hard, and your parents are being generous because they love you, not because you're spoiled.  But also, don't demean this girl's wedding either, even if she doesn't have a limo or DJ.  Just be gracious, don't talk wedding stuff with her, and ignore her if she says rude comments.  

    I hope you can gain some peace and enjoy your wedding!  No matter what happens, just keep remembering that you're marrying your sweetheart!

    SaveSave
  • edited December 2011
    Thanks, you are right. I have 2 weeks of school left until graduation, a week of finals with 6 final exams, a board registry exam and a 15 page reseasrch paper so I have been soooo stressed and the stress of so many people asking me is just making it worse. I need to relax, breath and think before I speak right now. lol

    As for my cousin, I don't say anything to her and I don't put her wedding down to anyone. I really just pretend like I don't care and when people talk about it I tell them it's not nice to talk about her and not to talk about it infront of me. I'm just upset because I don't say anything to anyone about her and she says all this garbage about me. I think the issue with her is just to ignor it all I guess but they litterally say things about physically hurting me. It's a joke but I guess its best to just ignor them.

    Thanks for the advice, I can't wait until the wedding!!!
  • unplainjaneunplainjane member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    congrats on your graduation. that is amazing that you paid for your education on your own. in terms of the first part if people complain just be polite about it. there is nothing you can do if they are not willing to sit through 40 minutes. just try to educate them that the ceremony is a sacred one and very important to you both. if they don't want to come to the ceremony then that is fine. as for your cousin and people saying you're spoiled there is nothing you can do about that again. it's unfortunately your cousin's plans are interfering but there is nothing you can do about that. as for the spoiled comments you know that in fact you are not spoiled and you've worked hard to get where you are and happen to be lucky to have great parents that are paying for your wedding. forget about what people say.
  • agapecarrieagapecarrie member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 100 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    1. You can look at it as a way to evangelize and explain the importance of a Mass, and having a wedding inside a mass, as the infinite graces available from the Eucharist.

    2. They are talking about physically harming you? There is no being polite to that, because you have to take threats seriously. THat is harassment, and I definitely think you have a reason to react and protect yourself. That should be taken seriously.
  • PhiMuLady7PhiMuLady7 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Issue #1- When I tell people I am getting married in a Catholic church, I am also getting those type of responses. I'm with you! If they can't sit through something that is so important to you and your fiance, then they don't deserve to be a guest at your reception. I recently switched from the Baptist faith to the Catholic and has never been so happy with my religion. Because the majority of my family is Baptist, my fiance and I have chosen not to have mass. That doesn't stop the complaining. People tend to speak before they know the details. Mass, or no mass, people are going to gripe. They act like the Catholic church is some sort of cult. BUT, you can't change the way people think, so you might as well accept it. You won't notice them on your day anyways! It'll be all about you and your new husband!

    Issue #2- I just got through telling my mother about this one! My cousin did the EXACT same thing to me. I got engaged in October to my boyfriend of 6 years. High school sweethearts and all that. Set the date for November of 2011. She got engaged in Dec. and planned her wedding for one week before mine. Ahhh! Because we decided upon a Catholic wedding, our wedding day has to be on a Friday because our church has an afternoon mass on Saturdays and a wedding isn't allowed after a mass. She planned hers on a Friday as well.; even though she isn't Catholic or of any faith for that matter. She isn't just my cousin; our grandparents were siblings and married siblings. We are double cousins with a huge family that now has to try to take off of work early 2 weeks in a row. I know where you're coming from! And let me add that I purchased my wedding dress in January and she purchased hers in late March and they are EXACTLY the same dress!  What are the chances? I almost lost it on that one! lol I've dealt with the trash talking and etc just as you have. I've decided to look at the positive side of things and look to God for guidance! When people ask me about it, I tell them how it must just be a coincidence and that I don't blame her or feel any type of hate. It will make you feel better. If you get mad, she will just feed off of it. If it doesn't bother you, then she doesn't win. You will have a beautiful wedding! I

  • edited December 2011
    As a non-Catholic, I have been to several Catholic weddings including mass.  I have always felt uncomfortable at not knowing what to do or say and when to say or do it.  I still remember the first time someone said "Peace be with you" and I blurted out, "Um, thanks." and was then very embarrassed when I realised what the correct response was. Perhaps some of your guests are also uncomfortable at the thought of being in an unfamiliar situation?  Not that that excuses their comments to you. 

    As for your cousin, you both get one day.  One.  Enjoy your day.
  • edited December 2011
    Yay for June 25th!  (it's coming too fast IMO)


    Issue #1- when I read your op I agreed with you completely!  However, for the sake of being diplomatic and not burning bridges it's probably better to take the advice of the pp.

    Issue #2 - Sooo rude, mean and frustrating!  I'm so sorry you have to deal with this!  Again, pp are right.  Hold your head high, smile and keep your mouth shut.  People will hear what she has to say, but, as they say, your silence speaks volumes to your character and ability to rise above it.  Though it seems damaging to you now, it will come back to bite her in the butt and you will be sitting pretty.  Oh and btw- you can expect more "competitions" from her in the future once you get to the point of having kids, buying a home, etc...

    Good luck on your day!!  And extra prayers for finals week, board exams and that paper!!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • edited December 2011
    I am so sorry you are dealing with all this, but I absolutely understand! My FI is not Catholic (baptized Baptist, but not practicing) and I have been born and raised in the Catholic church (as has my mom and her family). However, some of my FI's family is actually ex-Catholic so that is going to be interesting at the ceremony, but they seem to be pretty cool about it, at least they understand. But, my dad's family and most of my friends are not Catholic, and thankfully, I haven't had anyone asking me if they could just attend the reception...honestly, I might tell them to shove it if they did. No, honestly, I would be pretty hurt. I think best advice is what people have been telling you, be patient and understanding w/them and emphasize how important it is that they are there to witness the start of your new life with the man that is your world. I mean, the reception isn't what pronounces you man and wife, it's the vows you exchange in the presence of the Church, your family and friends that is the reason you're celebrating.

    As for scheming cousins...my first cousin got married 2 years ago, and I was her MOH, which was sweet of her to even ask me. Naturally I returned the honor and asked her to service as my Matron of Honor. However, she completely screwed me over. She is out of town, from me and never cooperated! In fact, she caused my bridesmaids dresses to be ordered 3 months after the other 4 had been fitted! She wouldn't come out and say "no, i can't be in your wedding bc of x,y and z reason". Nope, she actually emailed/talked to my mom but never had the balls to call me. Irritating to say the least. She and her mom (my aunt) have done nothing but criticize my wedding to my mother. Needless to say, she is no longer in my wedding party.

    Not exactly the same thing, but I wanted to share with you CRB and let you know you're not alone in dealing with scheming cousins. Best of luck to you with your wedding being so close! My big day is June 18th, so I'm right there with you in cruch time, not to mention I graduate at the end of the month, so also, I understand finals week craziness.

    Prayers, peace and blessings headed your way!!!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • monkeysipmonkeysip member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Verity Verity--

    I'm just curious, did you have a program to follow at any of these weddings?  Since I'm going to have so many non-Catholics, I'm going to try and make a REALLY thorough program with all the responses.  I wonder how helpful that is.  

    SaveSave
  • edited December 2011
    There were programs at one wedding, but not detailed enough.  I think a program that included all of the responses would be a wonderful idea.
  • cutie+lovecutie+love member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Issue #1
    Just taking it at face value, that is extremely rude IMO. If you're going to pay for these guests to eat dinner in honour of your wedding, they had darn well at least see you get married! That is the whole point after all! But if they are worried about feeling awkward at Mass, then maybe you could make a detailed program with all the responses and explain to them that they can follow it or something. If it was me, I'd be tempted to tell them not to come. Although I'd probably chicken out and tell them to come anyways. I hate conflict!
  • edited December 2011

    This can be very frustrating, but it can also be seen in a different light.  The guests who do not feel comfortable in the church setting may cause disruption or excessive stress to you.  Let the ceremony be an intimate blessing between you and your fiance witnessed by those closest to you and those you sustain you in prayer.
    My fiance is African and most of our guests are not Catholic and will not be attending the ceremony.  I am not upset in the least bit since I know those not attending the ceremony will still be our friends, but they would not be the ones I turned to for support in a spiritual sense.  I can party with them after the ceremony and have a wonderful time welcoming everyone that day.
    Good luck! 

  • edited December 2011

    I passed my board exam!!!! and Thanks for all the advice and stories everyone. I have been considering making a detailed program with the reponses. It's just upsetting because I had cut at least 200 people from my guest list to who I really truly wanted to be there. So it's just a little hurtful when they don't want to come to my actual wedding ceremony. As for my cousin, I pretty much just ignor them and their comments. They are just immature. I just play dumb like I don't care and that I am super excited she's getting married the week before me. I think that actually irritates them even more then if I was to go crazy on them. Haha.
    I am so excited, only 46 more days!!!

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