Help! is this even possible?

tinstarsunshine

hi ladies I hope one of you can point me to a solution so here goes the story:

My FI is catholic and wants to marry in his home parish.  I am not catholic but agreed to do so since it is important to him to get the blessing of the church.  I called his parish last april and asked if they would be willing to marry us even if i wasnt catholic.  They said yes as long as I was baptized and not married previously.  I fit their requirements and they wrote us in their books.  I was told to call back in a few months for class and meeting information.  I called back in August and was told by the priest that I am calling too early and that he does Pre-canna and all that closer to the actual wedding date.  I really wanted to get this taken care of sooner rather than later so i checked in around October and then December.  I was told that the Priest was on vacation and would contact me later.  I ended up calling and calling and finally pinned him down in January.  He then chastistized me for not contacting him sooner (which completely baffled me since I had communicating with this particular priest since spring and he was the one giving me the run around) 
I set up a metting finally and asked my FMIL to come since this is her home parish and she knows (or so i thought) the priest.  After driving close to 3 hours to meet with him he greets all three of us very coldly.  He claims FI is not in the parish books and then completely ignored FI and myself to basically bicker in Polish with FMIL.  He finally agrees to look at the papers FMIL brought and the ledger of their tithings. at which point her agrees FI might be a member of the parish (FI's parents married in this church, his brother and him were both baptized, and confirmed and went to CCD here btw). 
The entire time I am rather horrified since this is the first time I have been ill treated and led about by a member of the church.  I grew up going to mass with my aunts and grandmother and attended the Catholic college down the street... this is not behavior becoming of a man of the cloth.  It basically felt like he was punishing FI for wanting to marry me, a non-white, non polish, non catholic (triple threat?). I was insulted and hurt to say the least.
FMIL gave the church "an offering" and he immediately perked up and decided to help us.  The sudden about face scares me and I am not comfortable with this person officiating our wedding. FI shares my concern and discussed this with FMIL once we got home. She contacted the Parish to see what had happened to their original pastor since he is still listed as being there and it turns out he was moved to a place where he was needed. 
We are going to meet with this man again on friday ( i am sincerly hoping this was a freak event and that he is actually quite friendly but i am concerned).  FI is still upset and wants nothing more to do with the man.

Question (finally right?): Can we ask if we can have another priest officiate our wedding at this particular church? (FI grew up at this church so he is reluctant to just pick up and leave)  If so who do I ask how do i proceed?

and to clarify we are taking Pre-canna and NFP classes so those will be done before the wedding, our only concern now is who will marry us.

professorscience

I think it varies from parish to parish whether another priest can celebrate your marriage.  Most churches allow visiting priests to officiate if he has a special relationship (family or otherwise) with the couple.  The priest who celebrated our marriage was not the pastor of our church, but he was the priest in residence and the chaplain of my husband's Catholic Campus Ministry in college.

I would say it doesn't hurt to ask.  Of course I wouldn't advise going in and saying, "I really don't like you.  Can someone else do this?" but maybe going to the wedding coordinator at the church (or whoever is going to handle your paperwork) and say, "When we were at _____, we formed a strong relationship with Fr. ______.  Can he celebrate?"

Tami87

Agree with PP that yes it is possible to have another priest officiate, or a deacon if you are not having a full mass (which is often encouraged when one party is not Catholic). It is easiest if you can say I want this priest/deacon to officiate because we have this special relationship, but it really depends on the priest how accomidating he is. Some will still prefer to co-officiate.

Also if you are having another priest marry you, it is likely he will also meet with you a few times to make sure he is comfortable with the fact that you understand what it means to get married in the Catholic church and are prepared for marriage, even if you are doing your pre-cana with another priest.

emilye1227

The priest that is marrying us is also the main priest at the church that we are getting married at, but when we met with him to set a date and everything, he asked who we had in mind. We were both kind of caught off guard by the quesiton since we assumed he would be the one doing it and he must have been able to tell because he immediately said, "Just because I work here doesn't mean you have to pick me. It's your day and your choice." We asked him if he would be the priest and he agreed. But it definitely shows that you can be married by whichever priest you choose. I'm sure some priests are much more flexible on it than others, though!

tinstarsunshine

Thank you ladies!  This gives me hope.  I actually befriended one of the professors at my college who is an ordained priest.  FI heard about him all the time since I was always talking about how wonderful a person he is. I just want to make sure this isnt some taboo topic since I dont want to ruffle anymore feathers.  So should I ask my college priest first if this is okay with him or do i need to okay it with this fellow first? My only concern is that he denies us outright just because he feels slighted.  I am still so nervous!

professorscience

Okay it with the church before you ask the other priest, definitely.  "We are really close with this guy, if he is available, would you allow him to celebrate our wedding?"

lalaith50

wow, that's quite a situation. I am SO sorry that priest was so weird/rude to you. Unfortunately, while all priests do have "bad days" like the rest of us, they are also human, and some of them can be rather lacking in the relational or even spiritual sensitivity area. :-(

Anyhow, I think that's really great if there is another priest that you are close to.

I'm not sure to advise you on who to ask first... I think maybe you should ask the priest you like first, because it is likely that he won't even be available that day (priests can be really busy!) I was going to say that in my experience churches do a lot of weddings with other priests, but then I remembered that the main church I have experience with is actually a "historic" parish, so they might allow a lot more freedom with non-parishioners and different priests coming in. So, anyhow, I suppose it could really vary a ton based on parish, what priest can say weddings. 

I would recommend actually that you not ask the priest of the parish directly, but I assume there is an office, or someone who works there besides the priest who does the more administrative stuff? I would ask them if they allow other priests to say weddings, then if they don't, you haven't hinted to the parish priest that you don't want him to say your wedding. But honestly, IME, priests don't *love* saying weddings for people they don't know, since it really is a bunch of time that they have to spend with the couple, so maybe this priest would be fine with it. Wow, sorry that was rambly...

OliveOilsMom

You should be able to have your professor marry you.  It is easiest if it is the same diocese.  If your professor is outside of the diocese, he would also need permission of the bishop to marry you. 

We went with a priest not in our parish as well.  I called our parish first to see if it was ok.  I was told its acceptable to have an outside priest, but he needs to write a letter to the pastor saying that he will be marrying us and doing all of our prep.  So each church may have different rules on this.  I would call your parish first, so see if its allowed.  Then ask your professor to see if he's available. 

tinstarsunshine

My aunt actually recommended just leaving this parish completely and going directly to the catholic college I graduated from (15 min away).  She said that no church should be presenting you a price list...she was completely horrified by that.  I'll be calling the college today and asking if I can have my ceremony in the chapel there.  My aunt also said that if the church is otherwise in use they might actually come to the venue to perform the ceremony for us there.  I dont mind either way, I am just glad to find a light at the end of this tunnel.  Thank you for your support ladies!  FI is actually excited about this and I am glad I finally got a full night's sleep with no nightmares from this!

professorscience

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_help-is-this-even-possible?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:504c75f4-7ab6-41eb-a8c1-3c320d06ea95Post:86963c29-0558-4334-9acc-a48a8811519c">Re: Help! is this even possible?</a>:
[QUOTE]My aunt actually recommended just leaving this parish completely and going directly to the catholic college I graduated from (15 min away).  She said that no church should be presenting you a price list...she was completely horrified by that.  I'll be calling the college today and asking if I can have my ceremony in the chapel there. <strong> My aunt also said that if the church is otherwise in use they might actually come to the venue to perform the ceremony for us there.</strong>  I dont mind either way, I am just glad to find a light at the end of this tunnel.  Thank you for your support ladies!  FI is actually excited about this and I am glad I finally got a full night's sleep with no nightmares from this!
Posted by tinstarsunshine[/QUOTE]

I don't think this is correct (or good).  Part of the sacrament of marriage is that it takes place within the walls of the church, so I don't know if that would cause problems for you re: the validity of your marriage.

Having a Catholic service in the chapel at your college is okay, though, so hopefully that works out.

Edit: And with regards to the price list, I'm not really sure what is so upsetting about that. I get that the way in which it was presented rubbed you the right way, but part of the "business" of marriage includes an exchange of funds, and any responsible wedding venue is going to first present you with a list of prices so that you can, at the very least, be assured that you're making a financially responsible decision.  Again, perhaps you did not receive this price list in the best possible way, but the prices were clearly laid out for my husband and I in one of the booklets we got and the the pastoral associate very matter-of-factly went over the costs with us and we were fine with it.

tinstarsunshine

Just spoke with the director of the ministry.  she said the you have to have a letter from the Archdiocese in order to marry in a place not a church.  In this case the chapel is okay but we still need our priest to write a letter to the Archdiocese to get the official okay.  Since we are taking the classes and they will complete prior to the wedding date we should be okay.
The costs are fine, we were not expecting to get something from nothing.  The attitude we could have done with out though.  My aunt is just saying that if the priest is more concerned about $$ than us as people, then we should look elsewhere since that is the administrator's role.  They have a full staff there and we were informed of this prior.  Either way we are not getting married at this location anymore.