Meeting with Priest.. what to expect or ask?

CTDeva

My Priest has been pushing off meeting with us until closer to our wedding date. After many calls,  I have finally made an appointment to meet with him with FI... and just curious as to what to expect or even ask on our first meeting?  Any ideas or suggestions?  I've already posted this to my local and month board, and they have suggested I reach out here as well.  I wasn't even aware this board existed... Any help is appreciated!

Calypso1977

id ask:

1.  times you can do your ceremony
2.  attire - you may not be allowed strapless gowns
3.  pre-cana requirements
4.  fees (church, priest, organist, vocalist)
5.  any other restrictions the parish may impose
6.  if you are expected to provide the altar flowers for that weekends masses
7.  if you will have Mass, ask if the church will provide altar servers or if you need to recruit your own. there most likely wont be a fee for them but you should tip them.

agapecarrie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_meeting-priest-expect-ask?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:5062a401-5a7d-41a4-93ff-7a997d8291daPost:85ae2098-26b9-41e2-8bb5-f084bd5335db">Re: Meeting with Priest.. what to expect or ask?</a>:
[QUOTE]id ask: 1.  times you can do your ceremony 2.  attire - you may not be allowed strapless gowns 3.  pre-cana requirements 4.  fees (church, priest, organist, vocalist) 5.  any other restrictions the parish may impose 6.  if you are expected to provide the altar flowers for that weekends masses 7.  if you will have Mass, ask if the church will provide altar servers or if you need to recruit your own. there most likely wont be a fee for them but you should tip them.
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

This is something to ask later. Most Priests hate it when people coming in talking all about the wedding rather than the marriage.

Ask about what you can do to start preparing for your marriage...classes, etc.

Calypso1977

i dunno, i asked all of these things at our first meeting, after we went over the pre-cana (which i assume is the reason for the meeting in the first place).  but we also had a relatively short engagement compared to most.

mica178

Some of the questions can be asked of the music director or parish secretary, but if he/she gives you ambiguous answers, you'll need to ask the priest.  My priest definitely preferred to focus on our relationship and the bigger picture rather than the practical nitty-gritty, although there were instances where we needed to go to him (church fees => ask the parish secretary, strapless gowns and any question about readings => ask the priest).

Theresa626

agapecarrie, I disagree with you completely.  People need to know these things. I think a preist should prefer that a couple knows what is expected rather than be furious way later when they find out something they didn't know about.  You should definitely ask everythign Calypso said.  

agapecarrie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_meeting-priest-expect-ask?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:5062a401-5a7d-41a4-93ff-7a997d8291daPost:aa70771d-d099-4ee7-8c3b-c5713102fbfc">Re: Meeting with Priest.. what to expect or ask?</a>:
[QUOTE]agapecarrie, I disagree with you completely.  People need to know these things. I think a preist should prefer that a couple knows what is expected rather than be furious way later when they find out something they didn't know about.  You should definitely ask everythign Calypso said.  
Posted by Theresa626[/QUOTE]

Well, I work for the church, and I help in teaching marriage prep, etc. All the priests I have conversations wtih (which is a lot as I give talks around the state-training for TOB) talk to me about how all the bride wants is to talk about the wedding.... It is very very frustrating to them. They really don't like it, I promise you.When a new couple comes in, focused on the marriage however, it shows the priorities are in the right place. The items are small details compared to that. When one deals with the wedding details first, the marriage prep is often left (not always but often) to be something to cross off the list rather than embraced and a deep part of sacramental preparation.

Those things that calypso mentioned are things to know, but they do not NEED to know immediately (unless its a very short engagement such as Calypso mentioned).

A date isn't even supposed to be set until the pre-marital investigation and discernment portion is completed-- so really , they do not need to know any of that information until a date is set. None of the items listed are something to be "furious" about in light of desiring a sacrament from the church. All in due time.

Calypso1977

agape, i'm sure that your priests also get a lot of folks that havent set foot in a church since they were confirmed (or had first communion even!) which is probably why the priests get frustrated as the couples have no idea what the sacrament is all about that tehy are looking to receive. 

i guess i felt comfortable asking these things at the outset becuase H and i attend mass regularly at the church we were getting married at, knew we would have some type of marriage prep, and just wanted to get the ball rolling. 

but i agree how some of these things might be off putting to a priest, so i probably would agree that tehy should be brought up at the end of the meeting, not the start.

CTDeva

Thank you all for the insight...  I appreciate it!

Theresa626

agapecarrie, as much as it may frustrate priests, we all live in the real world and honestly, it's just not possible to wait the six months or longer of the pre-cana process before one even sets a date.  Also, that just seems silly to me.  Vendors book up, weddings take tons of time to plan.  People don't have years to waste waiting for priests to do pre-cana.  Informational questions need to be asked in addition to relationship questions.  Also, people need to know what they are getting into.  I think a priest would appreciate it if a bride said straight up " I'm not getting married here because I can't wear a strapless dress" vs her booking the date and then throwing a fit and wearing one anyway and being disrespectful because she didn't know the rules before she booked the church.  Same thing for music and other restrictions.  

I heard of one couple that sued the church because the booked all of their venues and vendors and then the church refused to give them the date they wanted because of the six month waiting period.   I believe the church had to settle with the couple because the church was not upfront about what they required the couple to do at the first meetings.  It is the church's responsibility to be open and honest about all of their policies from the very beginning.  Once that communication has been set, I think people will relax more and discuss their relationships. 

Riss91

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_meeting-priest-expect-ask?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:5062a401-5a7d-41a4-93ff-7a997d8291daPost:2be52bcd-b05e-4744-b92d-c5d6ad18291c">Re: Meeting with Priest.. what to expect or ask?</a>:
[QUOTE] I think a priest would appreciate it if a bride said straight up " I'm not getting married here because I can't wear a strapless dress" vs her booking the date and then throwing a fit and wearing one anyway and being disrespectful because she didn't know the rules before she booked the church.  Same thing for music and other restrictions.  
Posted by Theresa626[/QUOTE]

I think anyone that finds these details so important that they'd cancel their plans to get married in the Church does not value nor deserve the sacrament. Dresses, flower petals, even song choices are superfluous fluff. I'm not saying that a bride shouldn't care or believe these things are important, but to make them more important than the sacrament itself is unacceptable. Having a musical background, we cared deeply about the music and spent time and money on it. But, if our priest had said "you can't have music" we would have been okay with it. It's all about priorities! It's a shame how many people let these things cloud their minds.

When meeting with our priest the first time, we allowed him to guide the conversation. At the end, he asked us if we had any questions. We brought up our pre-cana and marriage prep questions first and then afterwards asked "When should we discuss the details of the day-of?". He said he had time to discuss them at that point, so that's what we did. Otherwise, we would have set up a separate appointment.

catarntina

Well, I have to agree that I think her questions are important.

So, the priest put me in the books for my date, and then told me I had to go to pre-cana.  I'm finishing up my NFP classes tonight, but my date has been set for 6 months with the church.  I bought my dress 6 months ago, right after the priest agreed.  I'd be pretty crushed if I bought the dress of my dreams only to have to cancel/return it or find a cover up for it because I forgot to ask the question.

You may have to supply flowers -- what if that's not in the budget?  You may have to buy an aisle runner.  Again, what if that's not in the budget?  These are important things that should be discussed sooner rather than later.  My priest did ask me important relationship questions like how long have we been dating, any children, do we plan on having children, etc.  But these are important too so people can plan accordingly.

agapecarrie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_meeting-priest-expect-ask?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:5062a401-5a7d-41a4-93ff-7a997d8291daPost:2be52bcd-b05e-4744-b92d-c5d6ad18291c">Re: Meeting with Priest.. what to expect or ask?</a>:
[QUOTE]agapecarrie, as much as it may frustrate priests, we all live in the real world and honestly, it's just not possible to wait the six months or longer of the pre-cana process before one even sets a date.  Also, that just seems silly to me.  Vendors book up, weddings take tons of time to plan.  People don't have years to waste waiting for priests to do pre-cana.  Informational questions need to be asked in addition to relationship questions.  Also, people need to know what they are getting into.  I think a priest would appreciate it if a bride said straight up " I'm not getting married here because I can't wear a strapless dress" vs her booking the date and then throwing a fit and wearing one anyway and being disrespectful because she didn't know the rules before she booked the church.  Same thing for music and other restrictions.   I heard of one couple that sued the church because the booked all of their venues and vendors and then the church refused to give them the date they wanted because of the six month waiting period.   I believe the church had to settle with the couple because the church was not upfront about what they required the couple to do at the first meetings.  It is the church's responsibility to be open and honest about all of their policies from the very beginning.  Once that communication has been set, I think people will relax more and discuss their relationships. 
Posted by Theresa626[/QUOTE]

I never said they had to wait until pre-cana was done. Nothing of the sort. Pre-marital investigation is not the same thing as pre-cana.

AND it is possible to wait to do a lot of these details. In fact, I know many many couples that did the foccus, pre-marital investigation and marriage prep before they were even engaged.

When people want to deal with the details first, and THEN discuss their relatioships, this is the beginning of a rocky road and horrible preparation process. Everything included emotions and finances, are invested in the day without actually having explored or discerned if they should even be marrying each other.
A couple I was helping prepare for marriage waited till the end of their engagement. The Wednesday before their wedding was their last meeting. They realized there they shouldnt' be getting married, but there is no way they would cancel. It was sooo sad.  IF they had done their discernment portion before worrying about a dress and other details, perhaps a broken marriage wouldnt' have happened in the first place.
THIS is the real world.