Ceremony/Mass Questions.....

michaelkrista

My fiance & I have made the decision to have our wedding in the Church, rather than outdoors as originally discussed. I was born & raised as Southern Baptist, been going through RCIA classes & am making my Confirmation & first Communion on Easter (next weekend). He was raised Catholic.
I've been reading/researching Catholic weddings & it seems as though a Mass must be celebrated in order for the marriage to be done. However, over half of the guests are non-Catholic & will not be allowed to receive the Eucharist. This is very upsetting to me, as its very important to me that everyone feel a part of the celebration.
Is there any way we can do a ceremony without Mass being celebrated- leaving out the Communion part? Or maybe just he & I receive it together? This has had me kinda upset over the past few days....

professorscience

First, congratulations and welcome to the church!

A mass is not required, but most people will tell you that if the two of you are Catholic, there is no reason to keep yourselves from the graces you would receive by having a full mass.  So, to answer your question, there are weddings done without mass all the time, usually only in the event that one member of the couple is not Catholic.

That said, you're never going to please everyone.  If you do a ceremony with mass, there are people who won't receive communion.  If you do a ceremony without mass, I'd be willing to bet someone on his side of the family would be somewhat put-out.

At my wedding, I was one of the few members of my own family who is Catholic.  Two members of our WP were, and a very small percentage of our guests were.  No one commented (at least to me) about feeling "left out."  In fact, a lot of our friends and parents' friends have told us it was the best, most personalized service they've ever been to.

This is one of those moments where it's okay to put you, the couple, over the guests.  The marriage is about uniting you and your FI under God, and the mass bestows such graces upon you, that I think you should have it.  Looking back, even though no one in my immediate family received, I wouldn't change our ceremony for one second.

monkeysip

Congratulations on your confirmation coming up!  How exciting!  This easter is my 4th anniversary of being confirmed in the Catholic Church.

I will also echo Prof about most guests not minding not being able to receive communion. 

FI and I will probably be 2 of maybe 4 or 5 people total at our wedding that will receive communion.  Neither of our families are Catholic.  But this is about our wedding and beliefs, and the eucharist has been very important to our relationship.  No way we're giving up those extra graces that day! 

Of course you don't have to have a mass, it's you and your FI's decision.  But don't let other being left out of communion make you feel bad.  Even if they don't receive, everyone there can be united in the celebration of your marriage. 

agapecarrie

You dont' want to give up the infinite graces available from having a mass offered for your marriage, and the consumation of the heavenly banquet happen immediately after your vows.

The graces available to everyone that attends is also present. It can be quite evangelistic.

lindsaynewbride10

It is not true that you cannot have a ceremony without Mass, you can. I understand where you're coming from on the issue of some of your guests not being about to partake in Communion, but I would strongly urge you to still have your wedding within a full Mass- you have the opportunity to have Christ present at your marriage, please don't pass it up.

Calypso1977

i personally feel that two catholics should have Mass.  teh Mass is actually said in your honor, and you receive additional graces from it to help you in your marriage. 

you should nto worry abotu people not feeling included or somehow offended.  as long as your invitations state taht there will be Mass, tehy will know what to expect, adn if they have major problems with it, then they can opt to not attend and see you at the reception.

your non-catholic family should probably start getting used to this stuff, because it will recur again and again as you go through baptisms, first communions, and your children's marriages.  the wedding ceremony is a great way to bring them into your new faith and show them what its about.

lalaith50

Just think - what if you went to a Hindu or Jewish wedding and there was some element of the ceremony that you couldn't partake in? I'm sure you would find the whole thing interesting and would not mind at all; understanding that the couple had elements of their religion that they wanted to include. Ask yourself what makes the Catholic Church so different; if any of your friends/relatives are "offended," then chances are they are just showing how they are already bigoted against the Catholic Church, and that's not your fault, nor is it something that you should have to modify your ceremony because of.

STARMOON44

I'll leave it to the catholic ladies to advise about Mass, but just wanted to comment as a Protestant that I do feel excluded by communion in a wedding mass, but would never mention that to the happy couple. Just because someone mentioned above that none of her noncatholic guests minded, and I think that's something you just can't assume since most people are polite enough not to mention it. ETA: just to be clear, I don't find it offensive, but I do find it exclusionary

Riss91

I just don't think it is fair to expect a bride and groom to alter their religious ceremony to suit your needs. As a guest, you are there to witness. You participate by witnessing. You don't need to be physically involved in every aspect of the ceremony to be included. It's not fair to expect someone to cater their religious ceremony to make you feel better.

It isn't your faith. If you want to be able to participate in every aspect, then consider conversion. If you don't want to convert, because you aren't in agreement with the faith, then why would you want to participate in something you don't believe in?

I just don't think it is fair to the bride and groom. They should have the ceremony that suits themselves personally.

agapecarrie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_ceremonymass-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:7f2380eb-79d7-431d-a4f4-56b6c7ccf467Post:9152b1a9-e519-4045-9425-ba634c6ef36c">Re:Ceremony/Mass Questions.....</a>:
[QUOTE]I'll leave it to the catholic ladies to advise about Mass, but just wanted to comment as a Protestant that I do feel excluded by communion in a wedding mass, but would never mention that to the happy couple. Just because someone mentioned above that none of her noncatholic guests minded, and I think that's something you just can't assume since most people are polite enough not to mention it. ETA: just to be clear, I don't find it offensive, but I do find it exclusionary
Posted by STARMOON44[/QUOTE]

<div>I wonder have you ever read up on  or looked into what and why the church teaces about Holy Communion? If you have, you might not find it so "exclusionary", but rather "inclusionary".</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

STARMOON44

I don't expect them to change for me! Not at all I fully understand that it is important for them and their faith. And I have read quite a bit about the theology behind this, and still feel excluded. Sorry to intrude, I'm probably not writing this as well as I should, but I really just wanted to point out that just because none of your guests tell you something bothers them, doesn't mean that it didn't. And I guess at the corollary that just because it might bother your guests doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. I don't think the OP should skip communion because of her noncatholic guests, but I don't think the reasoning for that decision should be oh well, they won't mind any way.

agapecarrie

I guess I don't understand how someone can feel excluded.

As a Catholic, I can't go to communion if I haven't been to confession-- I don't feel excluded. It's clear in scripture that someone can't eat and drink of the body and blood of the Lord unworthily.

I think its quite simple that one should be expected to actually believe what it is in order to state "AMEN" (which means I believe). Why would someone even want to go do this if they don't believe?

If you do believe, then you are welcome to become catholic and receive it, so, its not exclusionary. 

professorscience

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_ceremonymass-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:7f2380eb-79d7-431d-a4f4-56b6c7ccf467Post:9152b1a9-e519-4045-9425-ba634c6ef36c">Re:Ceremony/Mass Questions.....</a>:
[QUOTE]I'll leave it to the catholic ladies to advise about Mass, but just wanted to comment as a Protestant that I do feel excluded by communion in a wedding mass, but would never mention that to the happy couple. Just because someone mentioned above that none of her noncatholic guests minded, and I think that's something you just can't assume since most people are polite enough not to mention it. ETA: just to be clear, I don't find it offensive, but I do find it exclusionary
Posted by STARMOON44[/QUOTE]

<div>You're totally right -- there may have been people who took offense.  A few months after my wedding, I was at a mass with some of my husband's family members, and one grandaunt leaned over and asked me if the church "Still had that rule about nonCatholics not receiving."  When I told her yes, she made sure to let me know that her church believes in including everyone.  She was at my wedding, I have no doubts she felt somewhat put-out by not being invited to receive, but it wasn't really about her and I can't help her feeling excluded.</div><div>
</div><div>I never really felt "excluded" from communion before I converted, but I also grew up in a church where nonmembers/unbaptized parishoners did not receive.  It makes perfect sense to me -- if the practice doesn't have the same meaning for you, you really have no business partaking in it.  And I know that sounds kind of harsh, especially in text, but it's really the truth.</div><div>
</div><div>What I was trying to do with my post was really to assuage the bride's fears about "leaving people out."  As PPs have said, the guests are there to witness the marriage. 
</div>

Riss91

It makes sense to feel excluded - because, yes, you are excluded. However, you aren't being excluded by the bride, groom or priest. You are excluded based on your own beliefs, which you hold. You have the ability to be included - should you choose to become part of the Church.

So, I guess my point is that the guests shouldn't feel excluded by the bride and groom. The bride and groom shouldn't feel that it is their responsibility to prevent people of a different faith from feeling like they are from a different faith.

cmmurphy89

I understand how you feel as this was a major point of contention with my family and my FI.  I am Catholic and he is baptist. We were advised in pre cana and in our pre marriage meetings with the deacon that not having a full mass would be best, since many times it to the non-catholic family it seems that at a moment when two families are becoming one you are telling half your family that you are not good enough.

I tended to agree originally feeling like I was leaving his family out, and worse not letting him participate fully in the beginning of our marriage. I did want the eucharist present but I didn't want to leave him out. My parents did not see it that way. Many argurements with my parents later, my FI had a heart to heart and he decided, that if it was something that I truely wanted to take place at our wedding that I should not worry about him, since it would only add 10 or 15 minutes to him.

When he told his mom that we would be having a full mass, because at this point it had only been a discussion between us and between me and my parents, she told him that they thought that was the plan all along. They had been expecting the Catholic marriage once they knew I was Catholic and he stated his intention to marry me years before we got engaged. He mentioned to her the concern about the baptist guests being offended or left out, and she said she and many of her friends had been to Catholic weddings before and everyone she knows has always expected that a Catholic wedding is a long mass with communion. They may be bored for a few minutes but they expect and are not "left out" because you choose to follow your faith.