Pre Cana

kfras

Our Pre Cana class is on Sunday! When we spoke to the priest in October and he said April it sounded so far away, can't believe it is here now! Did anyone do theirs recently? We are doing the one day class 8 am to about 5 pm I think. Wondering what I will be able to expect. We already took our test, I think we get the results at the class then have to sit down and go over the answers with the priest. That part is making me nervous!

professorscience

Don't be nervous about going over the questions.  The point of going over it is to point out any of the major things that the two of you disagreed on widely in your answers and to give you an opportunity to talk about it!  I know that my meeting to go over FOCCUS was fairly emotional, but it was also a wonderful chance to open my heart to H.

The best advice I can give you is to have an open mind and really listen to everything you learn!

KFAW63012

We did ours a few weeks ago. Going over the FOCCUS was done with the priest prior to the conference. The conference itself was run by two wonderful couples from one of the other parishes in town.We weren't sure what to expect going in either, but we had a pretty good time in the end. The day flew! Just keep an open mind going into it!

bibliophile2010

Most classes focus on the same basic topics: communication, finances, sexuality, etc. Usually there is a speaker, a chance to write/reflect and a chance for you and your fiance to talk about each of the topics. The point is to open communication about those areas, if needed. I would recommend going in with an open heart and mind and enjoy it! I know that my now-H and I really enjoyed the chance to talk and spend time "away from it all."

XML&MrP

What bibliophile said, we did ours last Saturday and those were some of the topics covered. I am shy around strangers and the comic around ppl I'm close to and actually opened up and talked a lot. It was such a great energy in there, i felt so connected with my FI. Glad we did it

kfras

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_pre-cana-14?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:814307f6-1060-45d8-8c1a-455b2d236f2ePost:6ee0cca6-3ada-4084-98b3-42efa8f01dab">Re: Pre Cana</a>:
[QUOTE]Don't be nervous about going over the questions.  The point of going over it is to point out any of the major things that the two of you <strong>disagreed on widely</strong> in your answers and to give you an opportunity to talk about it!  I know that my meeting to go over FOCCUS was fairly emotional, but it was also a wonderful chance to open my heart to H. The best advice I can give you is to have an open mind and really listen to everything you learn!
Posted by professorscience[/QUOTE]

They gave us a rundown of what the day will look like, so I am not too worried about that. Just reviewing the FOCCUS test. I understand the point is to go over things that we disagree on, but when he had explained it to us he said it would consist of "strongly agree, somewhat agree, somewhat disagree, strongly disagree" and it wasn't that, it was just agree, disagree, don't know. end of story. And the way the wording is in the questions, really easy to trip someone up and I am worried that FI's answers will sound like one thing when he was really just confused about the question! And while I understand that it can be an emotional time for any couple, I am confused about you saying you were able to "open your heart" to your H? Wasn't your heart open to him before? We have always been (what I thought to be) completely honest with each other in our relationship. Even taking the test, it was all things we had discussed at some point during our 7 year relationship. I am wondering what new things can be uncovered during this time and that is what is nerve racking. ahh..... I'm sure it will all be fine in the end.

kfras

Also Professor, I hope I didn't offend you with my question. I didn't mean to knock your emotional experience or anything at all. Just nervous is all

And I know we are all adults, and I should really be more mature about this, but I am nervous about talking to the priest about sex, and I know for certain that my FI is going to turn BRIGHT RED if the priest starts asking questions relating to it.

professorscience

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_pre-cana-14?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:814307f6-1060-45d8-8c1a-455b2d236f2ePost:3172d568-4ad5-4f7d-81f4-ad2997d81bf8"><u><font color="#0066cc">Re: Pre Cana</font></u></a>:
[QUOTE]Also Professor, I hope I didn't offend you with my question. I didn't mean to knock your emotional experience or anything at all. Just nervous is all :/ And I know we are all adults, and I should really be more mature about this, but I am nervous about talking to the priest about sex, and I know for certain that my FI is going to turn BRIGHT RED if the priest starts asking questions relating to it.
Posted by kfras[/QUOTE]

Not at all!  I should clarify, our FOCCUS meeting was emotional because of something that came up about my family, which has been a struggle for me over the last year or so.  My H and I have known each other for almost 14 years, so of course I have been very open with him, I just don't really talk much about my family to the point that I'm sitting there sobbing with anyone.  There's a bit of a difference, I think, between the conversations between two engaged people alone, and the conversations you have when your sponsor couple says, "Okay, turn to your FI and explain how you felt when you answered question ____," or something like that.

TBH, I don't remember talking much about sex in our FOCCUS test, moreso about kids.  I wouldn't be nervous.  The test has repetitive questions, and the grading process picks out areas where you answered differently multiple times because that is considered a "discrepancy."  Even if your answers differed because one of you misinterpreted the question, that's still a reason to talk about it.  It's definitely worth putting on the table if it's something embarrassing, because it's not like getting married makes it magically less embarrassing.  =)

ETA: Sorry if this or my other post was unclear.  I have a million students and coworkers in my ear today!

Tami87

When we went over the FOCCUS test with our priest it was really low-key. I actually wished he had counseled us a bit more. He was more of a these are things you disagreed on you need to talk about them together. If you interpreted the question differently you can explain your interpretation and explain why you picked what you did. That is just as useful if not more so then agreeing on a question.

I remember there was one about whether you could be truly happy if you were not married. I put disagree because I was thinking that I truly believe that marriage is my vocation and I wouldn't be happy if I wasn't doing the vocation that God chose for me. The people who wrote the test thought this answer suggested that I could not be alone or without FI and that was a red flag. I explained my reasoning and everyone understood where I was coming from and we moved on, no big deal. The whole idea is to force you to talk about these issues before you get married so you can better understand each other. You can't fail.

As far as talking about sex, I know it can be awkward, but I am sure the priest has heard it all before. Also I try to remember that sex isn't something we are supposed to be embarrassed about, but a gift from God. Reading books about Theology of the Body really opened my eyes to how the Church feels about sex. I also recommend Holy Sex by Gregory K. Popcak. FI and I actually read this together before we are engaged even though it is geared for married couples. We are abstaining until we are married, but reading and talking about sex the church teaching on sex and our expectations for marriage really have strengthened our relationship. I also love how we have become comfortable sharing anything with each other without feeling awkward or embarrassed.

I hope you have a really positive experience and I agree with previous posters that I really encourage you to go in with an open heart. We just did our engagement encounter weekend and I really think it is what you make of it. If you are open and take the opportunity to really be open and honest with your FI and work on your relationship it can be aewsome, If you go in with the attitude that you've talked about everything before and this is dumb then you probably won't get much out of it.

blahblah85

I just finished my pre-canna a few weeks ago.  We had six sessions with a seminarian to go over our FOCCUS, and before that we had a conference for engaged couples.  We also met with a married couple from the church.

The conference had some great parts dealing with finances, and how to dicuss problems without it turning into a huge fight.

When we met with the Priest that will marry us he actually said, "Well, it looks like you scored low on the FOCCUS.  I'll let seminarian go over that with you."  I thought he was joking, but he totally wasn't.  FI and I have a great relationship, and we rarely have disagreements.  It's just that some of the questions can be interpreted differently depending on the person.

  I am not catholic, FI is, so it was kind of a bit for me to get used to at first, but it actually helped us learn how to communicate better with each other.  I was skeptical going in.  Not only am I not catholic, I am not baptized, so we had to get a dispensation to get married. 

As for sex...we did have it brought up with the seminarian, and I flat out told him I was not comfortable talking to him about it.  I also told him I would not be using NFP.  I'm not knocking it, I just don't feel comfortable with it.  Overall, I felt safe to discuss what I needed to discuss, and I was very apprehensive at first because I thought I would say the wrong thing, and they would refuse to marry us, but at the end I felt like I was in a safe place.  It is actually pretty awesome, and not something to be afraid of. 

minniehopeless

How'd it go dolly?

kfras

Actually never went, because FI ended up waking up with an awful stomach virus at 3 am. Really upset we had to miss it, the next one at our church isn't until October. Just one month before our 11/24 wedding. Thank you for all your help though ladies!