Interfaith Help?

Miracle520

Hi ladies. This is my first time posting on this board but I thought you might be of great help. My FI is Catholic and I am Jewish. We are trying to plan an interfaith ceremony to be respectful of both parents. Right now it's basically just a Jewish ceremony. We will have my rabbi and our best friend officiating. No priest (long story)

I've had many of my Catholic friends tell me we can't have anything Catholic without having a mass. I'm looking for any ideas or advice on how we can make the ceremony feel more interfaith. Are there any rituals, readings, traditional anything that I can try to include that wouldn't require a priest?

A blessing and sharing of wine is an important part of the Jewish ceremony and all I can think of is to include a reading there. I know wine is significant in many biblical readings.

I just really don't want FI's family to feel at all snubbed because I know how much their faith means to them.

mica178

Have you talked this over with your FI?

There aren't a ton of Catholic-specific wedding things that work well outside of a church/inside a temple.  You could have someone do a reading from the New Testament, if your rabbi will allow it, but that's Christian-specific, not Catholic-specific.  You could choose to process or recess to music written by Christian or Catholic composers.  

The other stuff you see in Catholic wedding ceremonies (gospel proclamation, blessing of the rings, the specific wedding vows, the homily, the prayers of intention, the communion, the dedication of flowers to Mary) probably wouldn't work well outside of the church without a priest, in my opinion.  

GulfCoaster

I know you said it's a long story, but why no priest?

Calypso1977

a catholic wedding does not have to incorporate mass.

We are trying to plan an interfaith ceremony to be respectful of both parents.
your ceremony should be about you and your FI, and reflect YOUR religious beliefts - not your parents.

is your FI ok with his marriage nto being recognized by the catholic church?  because right now, it wont be.  that's the #1 issue you need to discuss wiht him if you havent already.

if he is ok with it not  being recognized, then you can start looking at catholic elements to incorporate into your ceremony.  if he is not ok with his marriage not being recognized, then you'll have to go back to square one.

bottom line is that you can include as many catholic readings and rituals as you like - but it doesnt make the marriage a valid catholic marriage.  that might be why you found it difficult to obtain a priest? 

SaraAndrew2010

This website is really helpful and has info on your options for an interfaith wedding if your FI wants it to be recognized by the Catholic church:
http://catholicweddinghelp.com/questions/wedding-form-options.htm

Miracle520

Thank you for the link!

FI understands the marriage won't be recognized by the Catholic church and is okay with it. He is not overly religious. Def spiritual but not too concerned with the formal practices anymore. We both did want to include both religions though since his parents, and rest of his family is extremely faithful. We knew it would be difficult though with no priest and are both stumped. I'm reform so the rabbi is pretty flexible so we can possibly do some new testament readings if our friend reads it.

Long story condensed. FI's family attends a really old school Italian church and the priest made it pretty clear he wasn't interested in trying to help accommodate an interfaith wedding, esp since it isn't in the church and I'm Jewish. We know we could seek another priest but he would really have no attachment to our lives. We were also told we could ask for help from the parish office or diocese? but FI says if the priest really feels that way, he doesn't want the priest to be involved. I think the whole meeting really soured my FI and he said he'd be happy just having our best friend do the english portions of the ceremony.

Calypso1977

i would just proceed then with the jewish ceremony you have planned.  if his family is pretty strict catholic, no elements you incorporate are probably going to appease them if the marriage isnt valid in the church's eyes.

agapecarrie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_interfaith?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:8240b195-b055-490e-bf1e-3a8ae64e5a78Post:2ddfebe4-1576-4a8a-b3cf-8d695543e494">Re: Interfaith Help?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you for the link! FI understands the marriage won't be recognized by the Catholic church and is okay with it. He is not overly religious. Def spiritual but not too concerned with the formal practices anymore. We both did want to include both religions though since his parents, and rest of his family is extremely faithful. We knew it would be difficult though with no priest and are both stumped. I'm reform so the rabbi is pretty flexible so we can possibly do some new testament readings if our friend reads it. Long story condensed. FI's family attends a really old school Italian church and the priest made it pretty clear he wasn't interested in trying to help accommodate an interfaith wedding, esp since it isn't in the church and I'm Jewish. We know we could seek another priest but he would really have no attachment to our lives. We were also told we could ask for help from the parish office or diocese? but FI says if the priest really feels that way, he doesn't want the priest to be involved. I think the whole meeting really soured my FI and he said he'd be happy just having our best friend do the english portions of the ceremony.
Posted by Miracle520[/QUOTE]

I don't think you undertand what you are asking.

Catholics take marriage VERY seriously. Catholics are bound by canonical form in marriage for it to be valid. To ask a priest to not do that correctly is asking him to be disobedient to his vows, snub the church's authority, and cause scandal. THis is a big deal. You will not receive help from the diocese or other priests because what you are asking is insulting to the faith.

The Catholic church isn't a cafeteria where you can take what you want and leave the rest. The liturgy has history back to Jesus' time, and is a very Holy and sacred practice, and for people to take "elements"from it and not believing in it is scandalous, disprespectful, borderline mocking. THe practices in a liturgy are a window into the divine, not simply just a fun thing to do or a neat cultural tradition.

I know you didn't know this, I'm not accusing you of being disrespectful, I'm just laying it out there so you can understand.

You CAN get married in the catholic church, without a mass. A Catholic marrying a non-baptized person actually cannot have a mass for their wedding (with few exceptions).

Danidawn20

The wedding is yours and your fi's.  I would not try to please anyone with that.  My fi's family is not catholic, (in fact, most of them dis like me because I'm catholic, but that is a nother story) My Fi is going through RCIA (converting to catholicism) We are doing a Catholic wedding because thatis what both he and I want.  The wedding is about the promise you and your fi make.
In the Catholic church,as the pp say, a Wedding is scared.  In fact It is a scarement, which is very important.  Since you said you talked to your fi, and he is okay with  the wedding not being very catholic, I would just go with what you have.

Sorry if I sounded mean, I don't mean to be.

agapecarrie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_interfaith?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:8240b195-b055-490e-bf1e-3a8ae64e5a78Post:4e8a276b-0d75-4f4d-aaf4-a9501c238c1f">Re: Interfaith Help?</a>:
[QUOTE]The wedding is yours and your fi's.  I would not try to please anyone with that.  My fi's family is not catholic, (in fact, most of them dis like me because I'm catholic, but that is a nother story) My Fi is going through RCIA (converting to catholicism) We are doing a Catholic wedding because thatis what both he and I want.  The wedding is about the promise you and your fi make. In the Catholic church,as the pp say, a Wedding is scared.  In fact It is a scarement, which is very important.  Since you said you talked to your fi, and he is okay with  the wedding not being very catholic, I would just go with what you have. Sorry if I sounded mean, I don't mean to be.
Posted by Danidawn20[/QUOTE]


Just a clarification, a marriage is only a sacrament when both people are baptized, which the OP is not. However, there is still proper form needed in order for the marriage to be considered valid.

Miracle520

Thank you for the insight. We asked the priest because I have seen people married by a priest and a rabbi, but perhaps I am wrong in remembering they were Catholic and they were another Christian faith.

I appreciate the help.

SaraAndrew2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_interfaith?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:8240b195-b055-490e-bf1e-3a8ae64e5a78Post:245ab62b-acfd-4508-92ea-68f030623a61">Re: Interfaith Help?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you for the insight. We asked the priest because I have seen people married by a priest and a rabbi, but perhaps I am wrong in remembering they were Catholic and they were another Christian faith. I appreciate the help.
Posted by Miracle520[/QUOTE]


This is definitely possible.  My cousin, a Catholic, married a Jewish woman. They had a Jewish ceremony but a priest was also present and gave a blessing.  Doing this requires special dispensation, but is not uncommon.  Most priests should be willing to help arrange this for you, but it sounds like your FI's family priest is being difficult.  He may be reluctant to help since it doesn't seem like your FI is that active in the church.

agapecarrie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_interfaith?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:8240b195-b055-490e-bf1e-3a8ae64e5a78Post:38db16c7-ae1b-4cc8-92b1-4e6fd9069f1d">Re: Interfaith Help?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Interfaith Help? : This is definitely possible.  My cousin, a Catholic, married a Jewish woman. They had a Jewish ceremony but a priest was also present and gave a blessing.  Doing this requires special dispensation, but is not uncommon.  Most priests should be willing to help arrange this for you, but it sounds like your FI's family priest is being difficult.  He may be reluctant to help since it doesn't seem like your FI is that active in the church.
Posted by SaraAndrew2010[/QUOTE]

This is more than just about the wedding. For a priest to be present, they still have to do the necessary stuff to be considered married in the church. Pre-cana, promise to raise kids catholic etc.

I don't think the priest is being "difficult". The priest has been approached about doing a scandalous service and is refusing. This priest has integrity.

SaraAndrew2010

Based on the way the OP worded it, it sounds like the family priest didn't properly explain to them why he did not want to be involved in the wedding.  It's one thing for the priest to decline to be involved because the couple refuses to do the required preparation or the FI won't committ to try to raise their children Catholic.  It's another thing to just flat out say that he doesn't have any interest in being involved in an interfaith wedding. 

Calypso1977

a "blessing" doesnt make a valid marriage.  for a priest to do a "blessing" gives a false impression that hte marriage is sanctioned by the church.

mica178

It sounds like the FI is not overly concerned about the marriage being valid.  It sounds like the OP is trying to incorporate elements of a Catholic wedding into her Jewish ceremony.  However, OP, if your FI does not really care about his religious upbringing, I don't know how meaningful any of this would be.  And I don't think that having an extra prayer or music will necessarily make your FI's family happier.

CaylaSummer

I do wonder though that when they met with the priest if there were any indication that both of them are willing to raise their children as catholics or for the FI to return to the religion. In this case it does not sound like it so I can see why the priest would not want to have anything to do with an interfaith marriage.

A marriage in the catholic church is whether it be a ceremony or a mass, it is about the couple and the congregation witnessing it. Considering the FI's family is Italian, I am very surprised that they did not stop this marriage given that it will be a jewish wedding. Not trying to be judgemental but most Italians I know especially older generations are very catholic so I can see why they might be a little bit unhappy in this situation. At the end of the day this is your wedding, you do want you want. Again this is just my opinion

Calypso1977

I do wonder though that when they met with the priest if there were any indication that both of them are willing to raise their children as catholics or for the FI to return to the religion. In this case it does not sound like it so I can see why the priest would not want to have anything to do with an interfaith marriage.

good point, Cayla.  

i wish the best of luck to OP.  mixed marriages are hard enough when its two christians.  a christian and a jew is even more difficult.

rlytton87

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_interfaith?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:8240b195-b055-490e-bf1e-3a8ae64e5a78Post:7bdd54e6-ae6c-4692-a073-cf5081e980a1">Re: Interfaith Help?</a>:
[QUOTE]It sounds like the FI is not overly concerned about the marriage being valid.  It sounds like the OP is trying to incorporate elements of a Catholic wedding into her Jewish ceremony.  However, OP, if your FI does not really care about his religious upbringing, I don't know how meaningful any of this would be.  And I don't think that having an extra prayer or music will necessarily make your FI's family happier.
<p>Posted by mica178[/QUOTE]</p><p> </p><p>this. I also kind of think that trying to add just one or two "Catholic" things will add insult to injury in this case. I know that you have good intentions, but his family might not see it that way. </p>

Danidawn20

All I can  say, is this is going to be very difficult for you.  Good luck, with what you decided to do.  Maybe you should talk to your fi and his family about it, to see i they have any ideas. 

adamkatwedding

PM me... I am Catholic and FI is Jewish. We have a ceremony planned that is ok by both religions.

Miracle520

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_interfaith?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:8240b195-b055-490e-bf1e-3a8ae64e5a78Post:19d6954f-9d75-4d45-bd92-aed589c351ad">Re: Interfaith Help?</a>:
[QUOTE]PM me... I am Catholic and FI is Jewish. We have a ceremony planned that is ok by both religions.
Posted by adamkatwedding[/QUOTE]

YGPM